You had my heart inside of your hands but you played it…

Life has been chaotic, unsettling, boring, depressing, interesting, lonely, stressful, stunning, fun, busy, and nostalgic. I have been working on so many things in my head that I swear I am starting to go crazy. So many changes this year – some were expected, some completely surprising. Some are welcomed, but others are a whole lot of WTF. I have been at a few gatherings this year and several of us have noticed how there is a core group that still hang out. Despite being not the close with some of these people, we still manage to meet up every so often, catch up, have some fun, and enjoy each other’s company. And yet I have people who I had considered to be best friends, who are now avoiding me. Not completely, but enough to be noticeable and hurtful. And I don’t know what it relates to – did I do something, say something, not do something? When we are together, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong, but there is just this underlying feeling and then outside of these times, there is no effort to involve me in their lives. Now we all go through self-absorbed times, but even at my worst, I still like to think I have tried to connect with my friends. I have had so many conversations in my head with these people and while I have picked up the phone, there is a part of me that would rather bury my head in the sand. As long as I don’t say it out loud, then it’s not true, right? Of course, that also means not knowing if I can improve something, fix something, etc. Sighhhh… Honestly, I love that I went to Scotland this year. I learned tons, I had fun, I travelled and got out of my element. But since I got back, it feels like I was gone for years instead of three weeks. Like everyone went on about their lives and are happier that I am not in it. Yep – today is a slightly morbid, depressing thought day. I think it comes from being sick all week and getting first too much sleep and lately not enough.

And please don’t think this involves all my friends. I have some great friends.

It is just some of the people who are often in my life (or were), that I hung out with most due to interests, locations, etc. seem to have moved on and forget to tell me that I wasn’t included. I feel like the girl waiting for her prom date to show up, except he forgot to say he was taking someone else.

And maybe the weather does not help. With being sick and then the blizzard we had on Wednesday, I feel like I am cooped up with no place to go. The sun sets earlier (stupid time change!) and I feel like I am stuck inside with nothing to do – or maybe, too much to do, but none of it really fun and interactive. Maybe it has to do with missing the trip out of town for work this week, which would have had me spending some time with a colleague I really like who will be leaving our unit soon. Or maybe it has to do with where I moved in the office is just sooooo quiet and we hardly interact with anyone and certainly not with my friends and colleagues who are still where I used to sit. So I hardly see them anymore and I hardly talk to lots of people and so now I am lonely at home and at work. Maybe it has to do with my birthday coming up. This year I want to celebrate it, but I realized how few people would want to celebrate it with me. Maybe it is seeing some people for who they really are and not liking it and not being able to ignore it anymore. Maybe it is that I need some time with my closest friends and feeling shy to reach out. Maybe it is this indecisive, unsettled, unhappy part of me that wants to drown itself in food, but is being denied.

Anyway, I have more to write, when I get out of this lonely, depressed, despondent depths of despair. (That was some nice alliteration.) Perhaps I will be back this weekend again with some exciting news. I have many more things I want to discuss; things not focused on necessarily me and my feeling, but there is some of that as well. Teehee.