2022: Memory Lane

Beware the seeds that are planted, even in the most fallow of fields.  For those we lay with callous hands might very well prove to be those of our ultimate destruction.  Sherrilyn Kenyon Invision

So – third year end into this pandemic and honestly, I don’t know that things have gotten better.  World-wide, the following has happened:

• We have lost so many more people this year between covid, mental illness, accidents, age, and crime.  Queen Elizabeth II passed away. 
• The Covid virus continues to mutate and with new variants spreading even more rapidly across the globe.  As of December 29, more than 6.68M deaths have been attributed to Covid, though this is considered a conservative number and does not include those deaths caused indirectly by the virus.
• There is a Monkeypox virus outbreak.
• Russia started a war with Ukraine and we’ve watched in horror and despair. 
• The population of humans on earth reaches 8 billion. 
• Climate changes continues to prove it is real with the planet trying to help reduce the human population – between hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, heat waves, winter storms, floods, and fires.
• Violent crimes are up everywhere – from school shootings, mall shootings, suicide attacks, stabbings, domestic abuse, etc.
• Those of the far-right are being elected in more districts, regions, countries, etc. and they seem to be determined to tear apart civilization and humanity.
• Roe vs Wade was overturned, moving progress back by decades in the US.
• Women in Iran have had their rights stripped, including education and the ability to work (at least outside of the government).
• Elon took over Twitter and removed many of the safeguards on the premise of bringing back free speech.
• The Alberta premier declared that the unvaccinated are the most discriminated people and appoints an MLA as a champion for them (the position comes with a pay raise too).  
•  Inflation has gone through the roof.

 Sure – there are also some good things, but they seem so small in comparison:

• Covid has eased – more are suffering mild symptoms, mostly because over 10 billion doses have been administered. 
• ·Medical advances continued with Alzheimer’s becoming partially treatable, the first pig-to0-human transplant, spinal implants to help people walk again, and hair follicles grown for the first time in a lab. 
• Renewable energy is being used more than ever (I can say I am enjoying my solar panels).
• Brazil shorts to the left politically.
• More women and under-represented people are being elected.
• More places are recognizing and protecting same-sex marriages and rights.
• Conversion therapy was banned in more countries. 
• We got pictures of distant galaxies.
• Some animals have come back from the brink of extinction (though many more are threatened or worse). 

 99 problems… and b***h, I am every one.

It’s me, hi

I’m the problem, it’s me

                Anti-hero, Taylor Swift

Personally, my life has remained fairly steady.  In that, I mean nothing has really changed all that much from last year. 

I work too much, although I have made an effort to do less overtime over the last few months. Partly because my boss has asked me to and partly because I am just mentally exhausted.  I am still doing too many tasks and trying to help too many people.  I finally was able to hire my team fully up by September.  So many obstacles thrown in my way – a constant cycle of hurry up and wait.  Not everyone is in the same office though, so still doing lots virtually.

It’s been interesting being a manager again – for such a long stretch so far.  I like helping others learn and develop their skills.  I like organizing things and collaborating with others to develop processes and policies.  I had forgotten how many more meetings there are, how much time HR activities take, and how my time is not quite my own anymore.  I think I am doing a decent job, though I have admitted I am still struggling when to raise potential issues and to which level. 

I’m enjoying learning about the new topic, which involves learning new rules and regulations.  We are still setting up new processes and policies.  My team will become quite busy in the next few months for sure.  I know all the work we are doing is setting up a good foundation for the future, even when I am frustrated with everything taking longer and involving more effort than it logically should.

We’ve started to return to the office for a couple days a week.  I’m struggling with this.  I am aware I am more productive at home.  I understand the need to be in person and chatting with people in the office.  I don’t understand the need for us to be in the office more than once a week or once every two weeks.  Those on my team who are in the same office as me have selected a team office day, so I am using that day to give them one-on-one time discussion and then I make time to talk with the other people at least once every two weeks where we just chat and talk about their development.  I find the day is NOT productive and, in my head, I feel like I am behind.   Add in the second day in the office and my stress levels just skyrocket from feeling like I’m behind.  And I am refusing to do overtime on these days as the commute is frustrating with the new bus system so it takes me about an hour and two buses to get home now.  So honestly, once a week would be ideal to me. Sadly, it’s not up to me. 

I hate the feeling of this weight upon my shoulders

Pushing the pressure down on me

You think you want the best for me but nothing really matters

If you force it won't come, I guess I'm feeling numb

I guess I'm feeling numb

-          Numb, meg Myers

I feel like I am still a hot mess at home. Because I work so much, I am less motivated after work to do chores or cook.  I think I am even less motivated on days I go into the office because I feel less productive at work and because by the time I walk home, my knees/feet are killing me.  All I want to do is sit down and do nothing. 

I get it – I recognize it.  I know I have been struggling with bouts of depression.  It’s partly hormonal – with certain regularity, I have 2-3 days of just utter sadness.  It’s an interesting feeling once I recognize what is happening and boy can I tell when it lifts.  Like seriously, it feels like a weight has been lifted off me.  Gosh darn, the impact these hormones can have on one’s self.  Other than that, I know it is because my bucket is not getting filled - I am not seeing my friends regularly, I am feeling a bit touch deprived, I am not having fun or flirting conversations with people, and I am not getting the deep conversations with others that I need.  This is partly because I believe in science and I keep up to date on the news enough to be aware of what is happening.  Add in my natural introversion and I am not comfortable with lots of people around me or with people in my home.  

Because while it was easier to fight for others, the hardest fight would always be for yourself and for your own personal matters.to fight for what was right.  To fight for what you needed. Your principles.  Your causes.  And what you knew to be the truth. To stand alone in the maelstrom.  Those were the times that mattered most. – Sherrilyn Kenyon Intensity

So many people are not masking.  I mean, for pete’s sake, wearing a mask and washing your hands is so easy and can have an impact on the spread of the trifecta of viruses plaguing this side of the world right now.  It is really the least you can do for yourself and others.  I do appreciate that I have not had anyone say anything directly to my face – it could be because my expression pretty much says don’t ‘f’ with me – although not sure if it says don’t ‘f’ with me because I’ll take you down or because I’ll burst into tears.  Either way, I appreciate that no one has said something to me about it. It’s what I need to do to help me get through these times.  Just let me have this.

Although – wearing a mask and glasses is such a frustration in winter.  Add in a winter storm and there came a point when I was walking to the bus stop and had to pause because I could not see between the drops of snow on the outside of my glasses or the fog on the inside of my glasses.  The glasses can only go so far down my nose before they don’t really work for helping me see.  The positive is it does keep my nose and cheeks warm. 

The quietest people tend to have the loudest minds.

I have been trying to fill my bucket by doing things I know I like.  I’m still doing crochet and when I do it, I enjoy what I am doing.  Getting started is always the hardest for me. 

I’m watching way too many shows and I am not watching all that I want to.  I’m now involved in far too many streaming services.  Ugh.  I don’t know how I am supposed to stay on top of everything.  Thankfully, many shows are doing shorter seasons, which seriously helps. 

It has been a good year for music – I’m discovering and rediscovering artists and spending so much time on YouTube.  Honestly, YT has been my downfall.  I had a lofty goal of reading 104 books this year and staying on top of shows and crochet and instead, I’ve gone down so many rabbit holes in YT.  I did read 96 books, so that’s really good, but I could have made my goal if I wasn’t spending my reading time watching videos.  I’ve completed a few crochet projects and I have done several jigsaw puzzles.  I have also done some great singing via Rock Band.  That being said, we’ve discovered the Korean Englishman and Jolly channels.  I think we have almost seen every video on both of those channels.  Then I discovered so many ‘ship’ videos and am living vicariously through these.  Yes I have my fave people I am ‘shipping’ and no – you really don’t want to get me started.  One person described it best that those who are ‘shipping’ are believers in love.  I like that definition and it has certainly helped me get through this year. 

These videos led to learning more about the music industry and how terrible it is to young and LGBT2+ performers.  Not that I was unaware of what happened with stars like George Michaels and Elton John. I guess I just didn’t realize it was still happening at such a high level that it is. A performer’s sexuality doesn’t tend to impact my feelings about them.  It was common growing up to change pronouns in songs to relate to who I wanted to sing the songs about or because I misheard lyrics on the radio (I was sure Shawn Mendes switched between pronouns in Treat You Better).  Or to hope that one day they would swing a little closer to the middle of the spectrum so I had a chance.  I naively thought the industry had grown with the change in society. I don’t know why – I’ve seen in my own life that people are not all that accepting. 

And new singers I’ve come to love this year – for example, Meg Myers (how did I miss discovering her earlier?!?), Citizen Soldier (Bedroom Ceiling was the first song I discovered – and I went from wtf to I love this song and need to hear more), Louis Tomlinson (his recent album Faith in the Future is SO good), Emili Sandé (Hurts hurts so bad, but in such a good way), Charlie Puth (I loved Attention, but his TikTok videos of creating his latest album totally hooked me).  I think I’ve added 30+ new albums to my collection this year alone – both new artists and those who I already love (Jann Arden, Harry Styles, Imagine Dragons, etc.).  And I am already aware of about 6 more albums coming out that I need to get as well as those I am still trying to track down. 

So yes, I have a love/hate relationship with YT.  Not all I watch is related to music or ‘ships’, but regardless, I spend way too much time on YT and I have way too many videos in my watch later folder. 

Did anyone else see Don’t Worry Darling?  I finally got D to watch it so I would have someone to talk to about it. Olivia Wilde was advocating this as a women’s empowerment movie, but I don’t see it quite like that.  Oh I see how this has a theme of the patriarchy in it and women are fighting against it, but… I see this movie very different from how she was promoting it.  It could just be me though. 

One thing I did notice on YT is the number of people who are also struggling with mental issues.  I saw this (in various iterations) and I thought it was very well put.  I’m sharing it in case someone needs it:

Your skin isn’t paper… don’t cut it.

Your body isn’t a book… don’t judge it.

Your life isn’t a movie… don’t end it.

You neck isn’t a coat… don’t hang it. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year, full of opportunities to recharge, connect, love, laugh, and enjoy the beauty that surrounds us each and every day.  You are important and valued and loved.  Hugs!

2021: Memory Lane

 

Every time you come around, you know I can’t say no

Every time the sun goes down, I let you take control

                Bad Habits – Ed Sheeran

 

I feel like this so much – competent, hard worker at work…sad, unmotivated hot mess at home.  Since my life consists of work and home, there is not much to kick start a change and add variety. So my solution is to take on more tasks such that I cannot do all of my work during my workday, so I spend more and more time at work.  So much overtime put in this year.  This way, there is less time spend being ‘at home.’  Meanwhile, some of my colleagues were putting up boundaries and refusing to work longer hours.  While I am happy for them, at the same time, it doesn’t stop the work from needing to be done and so on top of the work tasks I took on, now there was work being left by others that would get added to my pile. 

Every time we do a performance review (usually twice a year), I write up a list of my tasks and share it with my main manager (you may recall I work for several different managers).  Every year they are amazed by what I am working on.  They tell me I need to share the work I do in my core unit and train others to do these tasks.  The one thing they don’t do is actually action that.  It is added to my plate.  So now – not only do I need to my work as well as what is left over from others, I also need to make time to train others on how to do what I do – once I figure out who wants to take on more work.  Or if they do action it, they do it at a time when I am acting for them.  So now I’m doing my work, others’ work, the manager’s work, and being told to train someone.  Anyone else seeing the problem here? 

Yes – I know – I am the problem.  The sad thing is this is what happened at my last position as well.  It leads to frustration, resentment, exhaustion, emotional eating, and not being my best at home.  And this time, because I am already a mess at home, it is making me more sad and unmotivated. I have all these great ideas of what I can do when I am not at work to get things clean and organized and it just doesn’t get done. I spend time sleeping and doing the main chores.  Everything takes longer than it should and it feels like nothing actually gets done.  And I am just so tired. 

What am I now? What am I now?

What if I'm someone I don't want around?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

What if I'm down?

What if I'm out?

What if I'm someone you won't talk about?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

                Falling – Harry Styles

I don’t want to be a burden on people so I just don’t talk about it.  People have their own problems; why share my problems?  When I get to talk to people, I am so happy to be connecting that I don’t want to talk about my down mood right away.  But by the time I am ready to open up, it’s time to hang up and I go away feeling lonelier than ever. 

Last year, I made more of an effort to reach out to friends and do check in texts.  This year, I have been tired.  My brain is very energetic, but it doesn’t translate to action.  So I checked in less.  I stepped back from organizing events.  I appreciate those friends who tried to step up and do more.  I did a few care packages, but in general, I just haven’t had the energy. 

It’s been a tough year – so many people we have lost, so many terrible events happening, and we are just under two years from when we were sent home.  Let’s be honest – it is not looking good out there.  I don’t know that we will be able to do things any time soon.  I have continued to limit the news I watch and read.  I struggle to watch some of the shows I like or the books I read because of the bad things happening in them. 

I like working at home.  I appreciate this opportunity and ability.  That being said, I miss my friends.  I don’t know that I have the energy right now though to be social.  We had ndie over on Christmas Eve and after just a few hours of hanging together, I was exhausted. 

Come the new year, I am going to be acting in a new manager position.  This is going to have implications on the work I was doing in the unit – I won’t be able to help out on any work they would leave.  I am keeping a couple bits though – one until we are finished this main component and then I’ll hand it off.  The second I have asked to keep because we are in a critical point and because I feel like I am one of the few who is advocating, while taking action.  There is another who is advocating, but not in an action oriented, forward moving kind of way. 

Other than the depression and overworking, there is not much going on.  I see my parents every couple months still.  I think I saw my brother and his family twice last year.  Thankfully, most of his kids were able to get their vaccines – one is still too young.  We are staying as safe as we can, though it keeps feeling like things are getting closer and closer. 

Travel plans for this year are obviously on hold.  We didn’t get a chance to use the tickets we had for so many events in the city because we didn’t want to chance anything.  There are just too many people not being smart.

I had a third root canal.  Yay.  Other than that, my health has been okay.  I’ve put on the covid pounds – and they just don’t want to move.  I’m trying to find ways to be more active.  I’m hoping with the new position there will less overtime (at least to start).  I know there will likely still be stress, if not more.  I need to hire people and learn a whole new topic, so I am hoping that will rev me up again. 

Other than that, I am missing those in depth heart to heart conversations where anything and everything can be talked about; the flirty conversations that add a sparkle to the eye, a skip to the heart; and the casual touching that help you connect with someone.  I think those are what helped fill my bucket more than anything.  Now I am just trying to make it through the day, the week, the month.  I keep hoping covid doesn’t come to my house and no one close to me gets sick.  And if anyone does, that is not long covid or anything too terrible. 

I know I have it good – I have a job and I am able to work at home.  I have a home and food and money to pay the bills.  Sadly, that doesn’t exempt me from the fears and worries and sadness.  So as I end this year – I wish everyone a new year that has opportunities to fill your bucket, chances to connect to people however that may happen, and knowledge that this too shall pass.  Hugs!

I know I’ll be alright, but I’m not tonight – Finneas ‘I I Lost a Friend’

 How can one be filled with so much energy and such ennui at the same time?  It’s like I want to do something – hobby, writing, cleaning – and yet at the same time, my head is like There is so much to do - where do we start?  I’m paralyzed with the inability to make a decision.  So do I spend time playing mindless games, mindless surfing, or do I force myself to do something or do I make a list with all the things I want to do so I can at least have something in front of me to pick? 

 

How can one be filled with such humour and sadness at the same time?  It’s like I want to do talk and tell stories and make people laugh and yet at the same time, my head is like What’s the point?  It’s all just a waste right now.  So I have to be careful that my humour is on point and not too dry or sharp. 

 

I was doing so well this week – lots to do and I was getting things done.  Then the little things started to bother me – like the two people at work who asked me the same question every time we talked – like suddenly I’m no longer trustworthy, that I wouldn’t keep them updated, and that I didn’t see how important and time sensitive the task was.  Honestly – most of my job is hurry up and wait.  I get my stuff done and pass it to the next person for their input and then I wait.  I can’t force someone to move faster.  I can’t help it if they are waiting for someone else to respond.  I can’t be blamed if their computer dies and it takes a week to recover the data, adding a week to the time they need. 

 

I should have recognized the signs – probably should have seen the leak in my bucket.  Alas, I missed it all and partway through today, my mood just plummeted.  I’m not in the depths of despair, but I am certainly not as energetic or happy as I was earlier this week.  I’m just sad.

 

And maybe it’s because I just finished another book in one of my series… and it was just so sweet.  Maybe it’s that it’s been 22 days since I’ve left the house (except for one day when I walked around half of the block).  Maybe it’s because I’m missing my friends.  Maybe it’s because in the last week I got to chat with a couple friends and now I’m missing them more.

 

Maybe it’s because my mood has been so up and I’ve felt confident and sexy and happy.  I got kudos at work from a couple of people and got told I was a high performer.  I learned how to do a couple new things in one of the programs we use – always cool to learn new tricks.  Maybe I was just riding high for too long…

 

Get a little wild

Get a little high

Kiss a hundred boys and

Not feel like I'm tied to them – Sam Smith ‘Young’

 

Anyway, I’m just sad today.  I guess it is apropos to feel such on Mental Health Day. 

2020: Memory Lane

I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight I'll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I've made Replaying fights – Finneas ‘I Lost a Friend’

It is the common refrain from most people – 2020 was a tough year. In some aspects, it was a good year. The first 2.5 months were not bad and maybe they just seem better because of the rest of the year. We had plans of getting more active and exploring our city. We were on track for paying off our mortgage. We had semi-regular gatherings with friends. Sure I had my second root canal in February. And then I was going through testing because my doctor was worried about my kidneys. D’s grandmother was not doing well. Maybe I just felt like I still had the mental capacity to be able to handle those stresses. 

 My root canal was still healing in October, but my dentist wasn’t worried as he said it could take a year to fully heal. My kidneys are fine, but my liver is not doing as well. Supposedly I’m one of the select people who gets the rare side effect of being on the pill for so long - adenomas on my liver. So off the pill asap. As a bonus, my last migraine was July and [knock on wood] I haven’t had one since. Was my body trying to tell me something for the last few years? Like so many people, I put on the covid 15 – which has not done any wonders on my psyche. Amazing how having no commute means you also have no steps and limited movement. 

Sadly D’s grandmother passed away. My parents have had off and on medical issues, but so far, so good. D’s mom is recovering - from her last cancer bout which was followed by pneumonia. We have had a few friends who have gotten covid, but so far, everyone seems to be recovering. One person got it twice. 

We never got to explore our city more and certainly gatherings with friends dropped. There was a period before the numbers starting hiking where D was gaming with some friends fairly regularly. That has stopped. D also got to go to Calgary for gaming a couple times in fall. That has also stopped. Meanwhile, I’ve done a couple whirlwind trips of dropping off care packages for a few work friends. We had a couple outdoor gatherings for work – one in July and one in August. A couple times we dropped by to see Ndie and make sure he was doing well. I’ve continued to see my parents every couple months and I’ve seen my brother and his family twice this year. But honestly, I don’t generally get to see my friends. My birthday was even on a Saturday this year – perfect for my gaming night – except that was a no go. I’ve been trying to do random reach outs to friends both to keep myself sane and to check on people. It’s been harder now that winter is here. At least during the summer, we could do socially distanced catch ups outside or I could run into the neighbors. Now - there are no gatherings or chats with the neighbor over the fence. I did have a conversation with one neighbor when we were both shovelling. I don’t generally go outside and goodness knows I can tell the difference – usually the cold doesn’t bother me – I walk home from work normally – so I’m used to the cold and dressing for it. Now I feel like I’m from Vancouver where -4 is just so frigid. Ugh! 

Work continues – still overwhelming and stressful – and yet with moments of happiness and recognition and success. The mortgage is paid off. The big trip we were planning is hanging by a thread – it’s not for another year, but the question is will we want to travel then? So many things can change between now and then. I just don’t feel excited about it right now. There are renovations to do around the house, but do I want to do them? Do I want people in my house? 

And so much sadness.

You're so blue Are you still breathing? Won't you tell me if you found that deeper meaning Do you think I've gone blind? I know it's not the truth when you say, "I'm fine" – Finneas ‘Break My heart Again’

I’ve had to cut back watching news – it’s just too much watching the world collapse, governments making plans based on how the health care system will react rather than on what would be best to get this pandemic under control. And don’t get me started on the provincial government. I said it before he was elected that he would destroy my province and it is like he is so determined to prove that he will. Doug Ford often appears to be doing a better job. At least, his comments would suggest he sees people as people and not commodities. I can only do what little I can to keep my little spot in the world from being in the depths of despair.

You need a pick me up? I'll be there in twenty five I like to push my luck So take my hand, let's take a drive I've been livin' in the future Hopin' I might see you sooner I want you, riding shotgun I knew when I got one right – Finneas ‘Let’s Fall in love for the Night’

I am so missing deep, in-depth, tmi type conversations. You know those ones where you’ve touched on all the surface stuff and now you are getting to the truth, the thoughts, the ideas, the fears and hopes. I miss flirty conversations, where you make each other feel special, where you can feel the sparkle in your eye and you get that smile that hints at the possibilities. I miss touching – hugs, caresses, those little touches that show you are listening and you understand. You know it is bad when your dreams are about having those in-depth conversations, of getting to know someone better, of learning something new about someone, or realizing something new about yourself.  

And that’s what is really going through my mind as the year ends. It was a year of good and bad, ups and downs. I have it better than some and yet that doesn’t exempt me from the fears, worries, and sadness.

We deal with our mind from morning till evening, and it can be our best friend or our worst enemy. –Mathieu Ricard

Hope everyone is doing well in these ever uncertain times. I read an interesting article today that our surge capacity is depleted

How do you adjust to an ever-changing situation where the “new normal” is indefinite uncertainty?

It makes sense. The ebb and flow of good days and bad. The clinging to routines and the despondent desire to just do nothing. The sudden fountain of energy that keeps you going for a few hours or a few days. Followed by the feeling of why does it matter – who is going to notice your house is a mess if no one can come over. Who is going to notice if your roots are showing, your cuticle are a mess, you started wearing elastic waist pants.

I looked into my eyes after work on Friday and this thought popped into my head – my eyes are so sad. Sure it was a tough work week and I’ve done so much overtime, these past two weeks especially. I should have been happy – it was the weekend. I could spoil myself, do stuff on my own time table, watch whatever I wanted as late as I wanted. And all I really wanted was a hug and a shoulder to catch the tears.

So many things have been going on and yet at the same time… nothing has happened. I see my parents every couple months; I saw my brother and his family a couple months ago (the first time since Christmas). I go to work, then am off work – there’s no commute. I watch tv and do gardening. The changes are not big but at the same time, they have an impact. I barely see my friends – they live far away, are working, and/or are taking of kids who are at home. Most of us are introverts and our downtime is recovery time and that is usually alone or with family. I watch some people increase their bubble or seemingly ignore it and there is a part of me that is jealous. The other part of me is far too health concerned and law abiding.

I don’t shop anymore really. I have a few stores I go to regularly – mostly groceries, Michael’s, and London drugs, but regularly means every couple weeks, I go to one or two of them. I used to go to the mall and window shop – just to get steps, to interact with people, to see what was going on in the world. Now my world is my yard and my house. Occasionally, I take a walk around the block.

And I’m sick of cooking – even with trying to eat out once a week (to support our local restaurants), it is just too much with every meal being at home. And the weather has been so weird – so hot this year and so moist. Blech. My garden is doing weird things and I just feel like I’m totally out of touch with the world, the time of year, and myself.

I feel like I normally due in February. Where I have this pent up energy that I want to direct somewhere, but there’s no place to direct it yet. I need to find somewhere to direct it – safely and productively. I know- I have such expectations. Teehee.

I watched a couple of good series on Netflix recently: Umbrella Academy was weird and good. Tales of the City – the 2020 season – it was good. I’m trying to watch the original series now from 1993 – it’s a little harder to get into. Bonding was hilarious and really good –and it was short. A second season is coming. Valeria was very interesting and hot – I need me a Victor and maybe a Lola. Lucifer is back – can’t wait to see the latest season. On regular TV, I’m watching Star Trek Lower Decks – which is funny. I was enjoying Hot Mess – but there were only 4 of them. And Design at Your Door was an interesting premise, but again, there weren’t many of them. Now I’m watching Selena + chef on HBO – where Selena Gomez learns how to cook from famous chefs. I’m enjoying that one. The Korean tacos looked so good, though the ingredient list was huge and then he showed cheater donuts… yum. And I got caught up on the final season of You Me Her.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and share my thoughts. I’m sure everyone is struggling in their way with this pandemic. Stay safe please.