So beautiful to look at, so easy to annoy.

Ahhh, Happy Bunny – you make me smile when all I feel are tears.


So – more enlightenment thinking – I was cleaning my emails in my sent box today and I noticed a trend that I guess I was being an ostrich about. It has been a couple years now that I have felt like I am putting a lot of effort into certain relationships and I am not getting the equal effort back. In light of all that is happening, this says to me that certain people have been trying to release my friendship and I have been neglectful in that I haven’t acknowledge that they want out. Why should I hold on to a friendship if I seem to be the one who wants it? Why should I try and try and feel like I am doing something wrong, when all along, they were just telling me I should just stop trying? And it’s not like I haven’t had qualms about this relationship. I have felt myself changing from my authentic self whenever I am around these people. I feel like they aren’t open to who I really am. So why do I feel like I don’t want to let this friendship go?


I guess part of me is afraid that by letting this friendship go, I will be losing other friendships. That is will be like the great scandal of a decade ago where one specific person chose to break the group and goodness forbid you tried to maintain friendships. Suddenly, I wasn’t invited to parties or gatherings. I was left on the wayside, trying to puzzle what the heck had happened.


And now it is happening again. So I ask the universe – WTF? What didn’t I learn last time that I need to go through this again? Yes, I acknowledge that my supposed friends’ opinions matter to me. I know they shouldn’t have as much sway as they do, but I live in a society where I am supposed to care what others think. Maybe it is that I am supposed to learn not to depend on certain people to see other friends. Maybe I am not supposed to use common gathering events to catch up with people and I should just step back and start talking to people individually. Maybe I am supposed to figure out that trying to expand my life experiences by being friends with people who have different interests is not the thing to do. Or maybe I am not supposed to learn anything. Maybe this is just one of those events where the other people are jerks and I just have to accept that.


Goodness – I am tired of thinking. I am tired of trying to be all things to everyone. I am tired of trying. Yes, I am an introvert, but seriously – that doesn’t mean I need to spend all of my time alone. Maybe it’s just the birthday month blues. I always tend to reevaluate things just before spring and then around my birthday. It just feels so hard this year – so personal and things really hurt more than usual. I can’t change other people. I know this; I try to accept it. I can only change my reaction, but goodness, that is easier said than done. I have been in a real funk this week. It just seems like so much is changing around me. I feel pressured to keep up, to change, and to be something other than I am. I feel overwhelmed at work and so lonely at home. I was supposed to go shopping today and I haven’t left the house today because I have just been doing odds and ends and thinking.


I want changes to happen. I have plans in my head. I visualize what I want. But then I don’t do it. I want to be excited about Christmas, but there is a part of me that thinks why bother? I want to be excited about my birthday, but I keep dwelling on the how part it was to decide who to share it with. Because I do want to share this with my friends. I want to be involved with life and other people. But I also want to be involved with people who want to be with me. You know? Why should I bother with friendships where it doesn’t feel like the other person(s) want to be there? I guess I still wish people would be honest with each other. Not harshly honest, but if you are having a problem with someone, then open up and discuss it. If you don’t want someone to be involved in your life, then say you don’t and say why. If I have been friends with someone for more than 5 years, then I feel like there had to be some reason why we have been friends for so long. There had to be some interests, something that drew that friendship together. But then I guess that is the point of that one chain email that goes around – some people are in your lives for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. I wish the universe had a nicer of way of letting you know who was who.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Anyway, again, I have dwelled long on personal thoughts. I haven’t discussed any of the other recent events. Like the US election (yeah – Obama!), the feeling I got seeing the rollercoaster in the water due to Sandy (why did this affect me so much?), the passing of a good friend’s pet (very, very sad), the medical issues of several friends’ families (scary, sad, reminds me that mortality is right there), what I learned in Scotland (D and I can actually travel together, I can be spontaneous, I have learned to sleep even when the room is not pitch black, I am in better shape than thought but not where I want to be yet), and so much more.


But alas, it is dark in my room (sun is setting) and my laundry has stopped so on to the next load. Probably should start thinking about supper soon too.