2021: Memory Lane

 

Every time you come around, you know I can’t say no

Every time the sun goes down, I let you take control

                Bad Habits – Ed Sheeran

 

I feel like this so much – competent, hard worker at work…sad, unmotivated hot mess at home.  Since my life consists of work and home, there is not much to kick start a change and add variety. So my solution is to take on more tasks such that I cannot do all of my work during my workday, so I spend more and more time at work.  So much overtime put in this year.  This way, there is less time spend being ‘at home.’  Meanwhile, some of my colleagues were putting up boundaries and refusing to work longer hours.  While I am happy for them, at the same time, it doesn’t stop the work from needing to be done and so on top of the work tasks I took on, now there was work being left by others that would get added to my pile. 

Every time we do a performance review (usually twice a year), I write up a list of my tasks and share it with my main manager (you may recall I work for several different managers).  Every year they are amazed by what I am working on.  They tell me I need to share the work I do in my core unit and train others to do these tasks.  The one thing they don’t do is actually action that.  It is added to my plate.  So now – not only do I need to my work as well as what is left over from others, I also need to make time to train others on how to do what I do – once I figure out who wants to take on more work.  Or if they do action it, they do it at a time when I am acting for them.  So now I’m doing my work, others’ work, the manager’s work, and being told to train someone.  Anyone else seeing the problem here? 

Yes – I know – I am the problem.  The sad thing is this is what happened at my last position as well.  It leads to frustration, resentment, exhaustion, emotional eating, and not being my best at home.  And this time, because I am already a mess at home, it is making me more sad and unmotivated. I have all these great ideas of what I can do when I am not at work to get things clean and organized and it just doesn’t get done. I spend time sleeping and doing the main chores.  Everything takes longer than it should and it feels like nothing actually gets done.  And I am just so tired. 

What am I now? What am I now?

What if I'm someone I don't want around?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

What if I'm down?

What if I'm out?

What if I'm someone you won't talk about?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

                Falling – Harry Styles

I don’t want to be a burden on people so I just don’t talk about it.  People have their own problems; why share my problems?  When I get to talk to people, I am so happy to be connecting that I don’t want to talk about my down mood right away.  But by the time I am ready to open up, it’s time to hang up and I go away feeling lonelier than ever. 

Last year, I made more of an effort to reach out to friends and do check in texts.  This year, I have been tired.  My brain is very energetic, but it doesn’t translate to action.  So I checked in less.  I stepped back from organizing events.  I appreciate those friends who tried to step up and do more.  I did a few care packages, but in general, I just haven’t had the energy. 

It’s been a tough year – so many people we have lost, so many terrible events happening, and we are just under two years from when we were sent home.  Let’s be honest – it is not looking good out there.  I don’t know that we will be able to do things any time soon.  I have continued to limit the news I watch and read.  I struggle to watch some of the shows I like or the books I read because of the bad things happening in them. 

I like working at home.  I appreciate this opportunity and ability.  That being said, I miss my friends.  I don’t know that I have the energy right now though to be social.  We had ndie over on Christmas Eve and after just a few hours of hanging together, I was exhausted. 

Come the new year, I am going to be acting in a new manager position.  This is going to have implications on the work I was doing in the unit – I won’t be able to help out on any work they would leave.  I am keeping a couple bits though – one until we are finished this main component and then I’ll hand it off.  The second I have asked to keep because we are in a critical point and because I feel like I am one of the few who is advocating, while taking action.  There is another who is advocating, but not in an action oriented, forward moving kind of way. 

Other than the depression and overworking, there is not much going on.  I see my parents every couple months still.  I think I saw my brother and his family twice last year.  Thankfully, most of his kids were able to get their vaccines – one is still too young.  We are staying as safe as we can, though it keeps feeling like things are getting closer and closer. 

Travel plans for this year are obviously on hold.  We didn’t get a chance to use the tickets we had for so many events in the city because we didn’t want to chance anything.  There are just too many people not being smart.

I had a third root canal.  Yay.  Other than that, my health has been okay.  I’ve put on the covid pounds – and they just don’t want to move.  I’m trying to find ways to be more active.  I’m hoping with the new position there will less overtime (at least to start).  I know there will likely still be stress, if not more.  I need to hire people and learn a whole new topic, so I am hoping that will rev me up again. 

Other than that, I am missing those in depth heart to heart conversations where anything and everything can be talked about; the flirty conversations that add a sparkle to the eye, a skip to the heart; and the casual touching that help you connect with someone.  I think those are what helped fill my bucket more than anything.  Now I am just trying to make it through the day, the week, the month.  I keep hoping covid doesn’t come to my house and no one close to me gets sick.  And if anyone does, that is not long covid or anything too terrible. 

I know I have it good – I have a job and I am able to work at home.  I have a home and food and money to pay the bills.  Sadly, that doesn’t exempt me from the fears and worries and sadness.  So as I end this year – I wish everyone a new year that has opportunities to fill your bucket, chances to connect to people however that may happen, and knowledge that this too shall pass.  Hugs!

2020: Memory Lane

I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight I'll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I've made Replaying fights – Finneas ‘I Lost a Friend’

It is the common refrain from most people – 2020 was a tough year. In some aspects, it was a good year. The first 2.5 months were not bad and maybe they just seem better because of the rest of the year. We had plans of getting more active and exploring our city. We were on track for paying off our mortgage. We had semi-regular gatherings with friends. Sure I had my second root canal in February. And then I was going through testing because my doctor was worried about my kidneys. D’s grandmother was not doing well. Maybe I just felt like I still had the mental capacity to be able to handle those stresses. 

 My root canal was still healing in October, but my dentist wasn’t worried as he said it could take a year to fully heal. My kidneys are fine, but my liver is not doing as well. Supposedly I’m one of the select people who gets the rare side effect of being on the pill for so long - adenomas on my liver. So off the pill asap. As a bonus, my last migraine was July and [knock on wood] I haven’t had one since. Was my body trying to tell me something for the last few years? Like so many people, I put on the covid 15 – which has not done any wonders on my psyche. Amazing how having no commute means you also have no steps and limited movement. 

Sadly D’s grandmother passed away. My parents have had off and on medical issues, but so far, so good. D’s mom is recovering - from her last cancer bout which was followed by pneumonia. We have had a few friends who have gotten covid, but so far, everyone seems to be recovering. One person got it twice. 

We never got to explore our city more and certainly gatherings with friends dropped. There was a period before the numbers starting hiking where D was gaming with some friends fairly regularly. That has stopped. D also got to go to Calgary for gaming a couple times in fall. That has also stopped. Meanwhile, I’ve done a couple whirlwind trips of dropping off care packages for a few work friends. We had a couple outdoor gatherings for work – one in July and one in August. A couple times we dropped by to see Ndie and make sure he was doing well. I’ve continued to see my parents every couple months and I’ve seen my brother and his family twice this year. But honestly, I don’t generally get to see my friends. My birthday was even on a Saturday this year – perfect for my gaming night – except that was a no go. I’ve been trying to do random reach outs to friends both to keep myself sane and to check on people. It’s been harder now that winter is here. At least during the summer, we could do socially distanced catch ups outside or I could run into the neighbors. Now - there are no gatherings or chats with the neighbor over the fence. I did have a conversation with one neighbor when we were both shovelling. I don’t generally go outside and goodness knows I can tell the difference – usually the cold doesn’t bother me – I walk home from work normally – so I’m used to the cold and dressing for it. Now I feel like I’m from Vancouver where -4 is just so frigid. Ugh! 

Work continues – still overwhelming and stressful – and yet with moments of happiness and recognition and success. The mortgage is paid off. The big trip we were planning is hanging by a thread – it’s not for another year, but the question is will we want to travel then? So many things can change between now and then. I just don’t feel excited about it right now. There are renovations to do around the house, but do I want to do them? Do I want people in my house? 

And so much sadness.

You're so blue Are you still breathing? Won't you tell me if you found that deeper meaning Do you think I've gone blind? I know it's not the truth when you say, "I'm fine" – Finneas ‘Break My heart Again’

I’ve had to cut back watching news – it’s just too much watching the world collapse, governments making plans based on how the health care system will react rather than on what would be best to get this pandemic under control. And don’t get me started on the provincial government. I said it before he was elected that he would destroy my province and it is like he is so determined to prove that he will. Doug Ford often appears to be doing a better job. At least, his comments would suggest he sees people as people and not commodities. I can only do what little I can to keep my little spot in the world from being in the depths of despair.

You need a pick me up? I'll be there in twenty five I like to push my luck So take my hand, let's take a drive I've been livin' in the future Hopin' I might see you sooner I want you, riding shotgun I knew when I got one right – Finneas ‘Let’s Fall in love for the Night’

I am so missing deep, in-depth, tmi type conversations. You know those ones where you’ve touched on all the surface stuff and now you are getting to the truth, the thoughts, the ideas, the fears and hopes. I miss flirty conversations, where you make each other feel special, where you can feel the sparkle in your eye and you get that smile that hints at the possibilities. I miss touching – hugs, caresses, those little touches that show you are listening and you understand. You know it is bad when your dreams are about having those in-depth conversations, of getting to know someone better, of learning something new about someone, or realizing something new about yourself.  

And that’s what is really going through my mind as the year ends. It was a year of good and bad, ups and downs. I have it better than some and yet that doesn’t exempt me from the fears, worries, and sadness.

We deal with our mind from morning till evening, and it can be our best friend or our worst enemy. –Mathieu Ricard

Hope everyone is doing well in these ever uncertain times. I read an interesting article today that our surge capacity is depleted

How do you adjust to an ever-changing situation where the “new normal” is indefinite uncertainty?

It makes sense. The ebb and flow of good days and bad. The clinging to routines and the despondent desire to just do nothing. The sudden fountain of energy that keeps you going for a few hours or a few days. Followed by the feeling of why does it matter – who is going to notice your house is a mess if no one can come over. Who is going to notice if your roots are showing, your cuticle are a mess, you started wearing elastic waist pants.

I looked into my eyes after work on Friday and this thought popped into my head – my eyes are so sad. Sure it was a tough work week and I’ve done so much overtime, these past two weeks especially. I should have been happy – it was the weekend. I could spoil myself, do stuff on my own time table, watch whatever I wanted as late as I wanted. And all I really wanted was a hug and a shoulder to catch the tears.

So many things have been going on and yet at the same time… nothing has happened. I see my parents every couple months; I saw my brother and his family a couple months ago (the first time since Christmas). I go to work, then am off work – there’s no commute. I watch tv and do gardening. The changes are not big but at the same time, they have an impact. I barely see my friends – they live far away, are working, and/or are taking of kids who are at home. Most of us are introverts and our downtime is recovery time and that is usually alone or with family. I watch some people increase their bubble or seemingly ignore it and there is a part of me that is jealous. The other part of me is far too health concerned and law abiding.

I don’t shop anymore really. I have a few stores I go to regularly – mostly groceries, Michael’s, and London drugs, but regularly means every couple weeks, I go to one or two of them. I used to go to the mall and window shop – just to get steps, to interact with people, to see what was going on in the world. Now my world is my yard and my house. Occasionally, I take a walk around the block.

And I’m sick of cooking – even with trying to eat out once a week (to support our local restaurants), it is just too much with every meal being at home. And the weather has been so weird – so hot this year and so moist. Blech. My garden is doing weird things and I just feel like I’m totally out of touch with the world, the time of year, and myself.

I feel like I normally due in February. Where I have this pent up energy that I want to direct somewhere, but there’s no place to direct it yet. I need to find somewhere to direct it – safely and productively. I know- I have such expectations. Teehee.

I watched a couple of good series on Netflix recently: Umbrella Academy was weird and good. Tales of the City – the 2020 season – it was good. I’m trying to watch the original series now from 1993 – it’s a little harder to get into. Bonding was hilarious and really good –and it was short. A second season is coming. Valeria was very interesting and hot – I need me a Victor and maybe a Lola. Lucifer is back – can’t wait to see the latest season. On regular TV, I’m watching Star Trek Lower Decks – which is funny. I was enjoying Hot Mess – but there were only 4 of them. And Design at Your Door was an interesting premise, but again, there weren’t many of them. Now I’m watching Selena + chef on HBO – where Selena Gomez learns how to cook from famous chefs. I’m enjoying that one. The Korean tacos looked so good, though the ingredient list was huge and then he showed cheater donuts… yum. And I got caught up on the final season of You Me Her.

Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and share my thoughts. I’m sure everyone is struggling in their way with this pandemic. Stay safe please.

2018: Memory Lane

What a year of ups and downs and changes and yet… so much seems the same.

I continue to struggle – how is it that I felt so organized and on top of things just a few short years ago and yet now, I feel like I can’t stay on top of basic tasks. I like to think I have lessened my need for perfectionism, but sheesh, can I feel like I am on top of something?

It’s not all bad – please don’t think that. There are so many good things that happened:

Work: I not only got an assignment with a new department, but was just accepted there permanently. I got the letter the day after I won basically the ‘employee of the month’ award. So I do not have to go back to a unit that is crumbling. In fact, there are only one or two people left in that unit from when I left. There are many people who believe the unit will be removed completely. So yay!

Also, this department is completely different. It’s smaller, but I feel like they actually appreciate their employees and you can see that in the engagement of the staff and management. I am enjoying the work and the people I work with. We won placement in the Christmas decorating contest for our unit. I am learning so much new stuff.

Home: We took a bit of a break from most renos this year. We finished the inside of the shed, got some proper storage for the garage, got eaves trough for the shed and garage, and then redid the front stone walkway. Significantly less work and costs than the previous year.

Hobbies: I have taken up crochet. And I am enjoying it. I have made coasters, small toys, larger toys, and slippers. I’m sure my friends and family will get tired of me doing this, but honestly, I’m enjoying it. It all started with the weekly crochet lunch and learn and continues with hopefully more sessions of crocheting with friends outside of work.

The not so good things:
Work: There is stress and I still have moments where I feel like I am just not smart. I have one project that should have been done months ago but because it keeps getting pushed to the back burner, it lingers on. I’m really hoping to finish it soon. Just to get it off my desk and to do list.

Remember your personal demons should be afraid of you, because you are their home, their food, and as you heal, their executioner. – Laurell K Hamilton

Depression: It lingers. It says nasty things to me that just tear me down. I had placed a lot of hope on changing jobs would lead to less stress, which would lead to more time to exercise and get healthier, including losing weight. The stress did go down and I am moving more that I was before I changed departments, but the depression has been there… keeping me eating when I’m not hungry. Add in physical ailments, which could be depression related or not, and I’m just not where I want to be and I have been hermitting more that I should. Add in too much political unrest and uncertainty, a continuing denial of climate change in an ever heating world, and far too many ‘fake’ news sites – goodness, how are we not supposed to be depressed?

We are now facing not just a technological crisis but a philosophical crisis. – Yuval Noah Harari

Ailments: Sheesh – these ‘hormone’ headaches are still kicking my butt. I had one month where I got a massage just before the headache would start and never had a headache. Oh the relief! So huge! And what’s up with my knees – I mean seriously… between slipping on ice and landing on them, falling arches leading to aching knees, and just overall, old person knee feelings. Sheesh – how am I supposed to exercise if I am suffering from knee pain and/or headaches?!?

My dad got a pacemaker to help his heart, which would be fine except it’s not perfected yet. And that was a scare I really didn’t need and it just makes me think about what is going to happen if one of my parents die. I need to spend some time with my mom to see what she is thinking. I know she is struggling and it scared her more than she is admitting.

My belief is that communication is the best way to create strong relationships – Jada Pinkett-Smitt

Relationship-wise – things are as they are. There have been ups and downs and dealing with repercussions of events from last year. It’s amazing how much I try to trust and the universe seems determined to test me. There is more work to do to get things to be fully healthy, but no one is giving up, everyone is communicating, and that’s important.

Being a hermit and depression and physical pain though is keeping from my friends. I don’t get to travel as much so I can’t see some of my friends in person now. I am on the computer at work so much I hate being on it at home. Though I’m sure the fact that a couple weeks after I clean my office, it is a mess again also discourages me from being on the computer. Right now it’s nicely clean. I do miss my friends and I want to spend more time with them. There were a number of new games obtained this Christmas season, so I’m hoping that will lead to more games nights and such.

So the year has been less tough that the previous year and things are getting better. I’m hopeful as ever that the new year will be better. So to everyone, I wish a life full of live, acceptance, and opportunity. To my friends, I am as always ever grateful for your friendship. Here’s to a year of fun, laughter, wonder, cuddle piles, warm long hugs, deep connections, opportunities, good health, adventure, and love.

2018 – the year thus far

Oh – my – goodness. Why did the year decide it should be so chaotic from the start?

Right at the beginning of January I actually was shortlisted (out of 2) in a job opportunity. I did not get the job sadly (it went to a colleague of mine). It was a good feeling to be wanted and told I presented well (especially after being rejected so many times throughout the year). The annoying part is that my colleague was very sick with the flu when she went in for the interview and she still got the job. Yes, she knew both the interviewers, but when I heard the details of the interview, I partly feel like they already knew they wanted her. Perhaps I was just a surprise in the pile of resumes. What also made it awkward was that during that time I was acting manager, which meant not only did I not get the job, but I was involved in helping my colleague get the job. Awkward is definitely the feeling there.
Then to make matters more annoying – another colleague is leaving our team for a job opportunity elsewhere. Insert eye roll here. Seriously, that drops us to 4 people in total; one person is pretty new; the other two are not exactly the hardest working; and me.

So work has continued to be arghhhh. We finally got notification on events for next year (could they cut it closer?), but with new senior management, it has been a fight to just do what we need to do. I have been trying to just keep my head down and do my job and not get caught up in the drama, but goodness, it is so hard. Why do people feel like they need to come in and immediately piss over everything? Seriously, take some time to learn what is happening before you start making significant changes.

To be fair, this week has been super hard as I worked through a very bad headache/migraine Monday through Wednesday. Thank goodness I did as my own boss decided to make a change that had no basis in reality and all of my hard work was the only thing that prevented a really bad decision. Thursday was amazing – no headache and I got 8 out of the 10 things on my ‘to do’ list completed. I felt really productive which I followed up with a fairly productive evening at home. It was kind of odd. What is annoying is the headache keeps just hovering. My neck muscles are so tight and they just don’t want to release. During my session two weeks ago, my massage therapist was shocked at how tight my muscles were and could not get them to release. So I keep having the headache linger and sleeping is not helping. Not sure why, but goodness, I just wake up so sore even though I’m not waking up in weird positions.

The good points are that we have a plan to pay off the last of debt, which will then allow us to focus on the mortgage. I would love to be debt-free and mortgage-free. Goodness, that thought just fills me with giddiness. It just adds so many options. It's still a bit away, but a girl can dream.

I have been reading some very interesting books (made one of my random trips to the library and proceed to take out a variety of books):
Curvy yoga – by Anna Guest-Jelley – honestly, if any of my friends have been turned off yoga due to not being flexible or to being too curvy, this book has so many great options for how to adjust the poses to work with your body. Highly recommend.

Furiously Happy – by Jenny Lawson – I enjoyed her first book so it is not a surprise how much I enjoyed the second, but truly, it is a fascinating read. Like Neil Gaiman says in his praise “you know that really shouldn’t be laughing and probably you’ll go to hell for laughing…” and I felt that way at first. Goodness, did I laugh right off the bat. But then I really connected with her again. I love that she talks so honestly about her mental illness and it really makes you feel like “It’s not just me.” Her chapter The Big Quiz really hit home for me – I feel it is exactly how I approach life – oh here is a deep topic, but there is still something to laugh about. It truly made me pause and think – Comparison is the death of joy – Mark Twain. Or “Don’t compare your behind-the-scenes look to everyone else’s highlight reel.” Goodness – this is so true for Facebook, twitter, all those social media sites. I really appreciated her comments at the end:

How can we be expected to properly judge ourselves? We know all of our worst secrets. We are biased and overly critical, and occasionally filled with shame. So you’ll have to just trust me when I say that you are worthy, important, and necessary. And smart.

You may ask how I know and I’ll tell you how. It’s because right now? YOU’RE READING. That’s what the sexy people do. Other, less awesome people might currently be in their front yards chasing down and punching squirrels, but not you. You’re quietly curled up with a book designed to make you a better, happier, more introspective person.

You win. You are amazing.

I’ll leave you with that thought because it is true. You are amazing.

2017: Memory Lane

What is about our lives that make it seems like things are getting harder? Why does it seems there is rarely anytime to get things done? Why does it seem harder to do things now than it did before? And basic things like keeping a clean house, being organized, and having a life. 2017 was a tough year. It’s amazing that at so many points things were getting better in one aspect and in another they were sliding into chaos.

Good points: The shed is built and lots of skills were learned and the neighbor is a total rock star. The car and roof have been paid off and no additional debt was incurred due to the shed (since it expanded into the garage as well), and there is a plan to pay off the current debt. Every day my cat makes me laugh and fills me with love. I have made more time for friends, though more time would be even better. We have new ‘nieces’ through friends and watching all the kids grow and develop is such a fascinating wonder. I got to hang out with (new and close) friends at a girls’ retreat. I made some work into figuring out what I wanted from work and life.

The shite-storm: The shed ended up becoming a half year project that involved the garage (siding, re-roofing, new fascia and trim), concrete (who builds a cement pad with a zigzag edge?), and then building the shed. Our October holidays saw both D and I sick and working 6-8 hours a day to finish all the work because we were out of time. Seeing my seventy-plus neighbor have more energy than either me or D was humbling.

Work continues to be stressful and frustrating. I’m trying to not take the negativity in, to just focus on my work and do what I need to do. But it’s been tough – turned down for several jobs this year because I just can’t quite meet what they want – each follow up meeting an exercise in trying to decipher what exactly I was missing. There have been a few moments where I have had time to clean up things, but not enough. My inbox is still huge. Our team is still tiny and our clients are even newer than last year. My biggest complaint in our unit is that we need a direct manager. Our manager was promoted, but still is supposed to manage the team and she is not doing a good job at that. I try to help her out, but I have no power to make decisions or implement changes.

Depression has been kicking me arse more than normal. I have been in my head too much this year, but to be fair, life hasn’t been exactly a better place to be. Honestly, it feels like just when things are getting better, something has to go awry. I have been so tired, mentally and emotionally drained, giving so much to work and having little for home. My weight has been steady in pissing me off barely moving, despite what I do. I’m just tired of feeling like I am fighting myself. I am trying to be positive and focus on being the person I want to be, but gosh, it feels like the obstacles are so large. Pat of me just wants to be selfish and only consider how my actions will affect me or at best, me and my loved ones, but no, that is just not my head – it needs to consider the ripple effect. Why do I need to focus on how something affects someone, when no one else seems to? Why do I need to look at all the possible outcomes? Like I said, I am in my head too much right now.

The relationship with D has been bumpy this year, which is probably an understatement, but I’m not the queen of de-nial for no reason. There were some really good connecting moments, which were followed by what the… moments. Still we continue to work together on building this relationship.

Ndie’s mom passed away and he was diagnosed with diabetes, which led to an incident on New Year’s Eve where he was rushed from our house to the hospital. Mom had a problem with a torn retina which left her with vision problems for months. Dad’s second knee replacement did not go as well and took longer to heal.

So yes – it’s been a tough year – again. I am hopeful 2018 will be better. To everyone, I wish a life full of love and acceptance (both from others and internally). To my friends, I am ever grateful for your friendship. Here’s to a year of fun, laughter, wonder, cuddle piles, connections, opportunities, good health, adventure, and love.

And if I asked you to name all the things you loved, how long would it take for you to name yourself?

So *the* highlight of the year was the girl’s retreat weekend – where I would be partaking in a ladies only, photography retreat in small town British Columbia. I was attending with my friends L and S. This has been a source of excitement and stress for me – I am a planner (I know – you are all shocked!) so attending an event run by an artistic sort is enough to drive me around the bend. I want details – what, where, etc. and I want them sooner than later. Although I try to be all cool and calm, inside, I am a bundle of nerves who just wants some details – anything – everything – give me the deets! Add in boudoir photos, a brain/body that is constantly fighting, a continuing stressful job, a home life that is not enough, and crippling low self-esteem and it was a recipe for disaster. But I paid for this out of my savings and gosh darn I was going to go. It didn’t matter that my knee has been in pain for a year. It doesn’t matter than I dislocated my baby toe the weekend before. It didn’t matter that I had to beg and plead and essentially threaten to get the days off. Add in new appliances/bed, a shed replacement that turned into a garage makeover before we could even get back to the shed, and depression – oh the depression. I DIDN’T CARE – I WAS ATTENDING!

And I did. And for the most part, it was fun. Was it relaxing? Not really. Did I meet or get to know better fabulous women? Yes. There were 3 main people running the show and 5 attendees. All great women who I would love to spend more time with. Did I learn to love myself more? Nope. I was disappointed with that - I really wanted the opportunity to learn to accept myself more and see that side of me that is beautiful and I just didn't really get there.

We ended up getting in later than we figured as we took the scenic route and stopped to check out a waterfall – pretty! Then there was conflicting info on the photo times – I ended up getting my pics done the first day. I honestly don’t think the pictures are going to be great… which I know isn’t true because the photographer is fabulous. That being said, I feel like I didn’t have many different expressions. I feel like my wardrobe was not the most flattering. Some of what I wanted to use wasn’t. I personally think it would have been nice to spend a bit more time in advance talking about what we wanted and were expecting.

The second day we helped the others play dress up before L and I went white water rafting. The morning was fun. Putting on a wet suit (the biggest size they had and for someone much taller than myself) and used shoes over a sore toe, not so good. Being the largest person there was not conducive to the esteem. Then the trail down is really a washed out section that is quite steep. Let’s review – I don’t like boats, I don’t like water over my head, I don’t like walking down unsafe trails, my poor toe was being shoved into a shoe that was not mine, my life jacket was tightened so I couldn’t see past it – like sitting down, I couldn’t see my toes. But I was determined not to chicken out and actually experience something outside my comfort zone. I can’t tell you much about the first half – it was a lot of trying to stay in the boat, paddle in time with the others, and not drown. The second half was much better and quite enjoyable. The group we were with were very determined to have fun, so you can’t help feeding off some of that. We stopped at the grocery store on the way back because I was craving orange juice and yogurt and L wanted a couple things.
Day three was out in nature. Now – I would have liked to know more about this in advance. Again – a not exactly safe trail getting out to cliffs along a river. My toe made it to the top of the first section and I didn’t move from there. I ended up taking off my shoes and socks which helped the toe, but let’s just say – not really my scene. Put me in the dark moodiness of a forest – I’m there. On a cliff, climbing rocks, on a log by a river – it’s just not really me. It seemed everyone else was good there as they climbed like mountain goats. And they all seemed really comfortable with their bodies. I have a feeling there are few pictures of me and how many can you not see the furrow between my brows from the pain. There was a few times when I really wanted to go home or at least take a walk, except there was really nowhere to go. It was funny - at one point S said that she understood if physical pain was holding me back from doing something, but if it was emotional, then she was there to help me through it. Which is all good if I was alone with her and L, but not in a group of people I don’t know. Then again, I would have to be able to express what is going on in my head.

And the final day was home time. L and I were going to stop by the lake we hadn’t gotten to check out, except there was an accident and it took us 2 hours to go 55 kilometers. Needless to say, we did not stop by the lake and we got home quite late.

So the question is would I do it again? Maybe. Not at that location – been there, done that. And I need more info beforehand. Supposedly there was a facebook page except I’m not on facebook. Did I go outside of my comfort zones? Yes. I like to think I even managed to do it without being too bitchy. I feel bad for L for having to support me a couple times when I was trying hard not to have a panic attack and I am really appreciative that she was there.

I’m tired though. I have been putting in crazy hours at work and I am feeling like it is really not worth it. To be fair, this last week has been very trying with acting as manager, facilitating training with a new co-lead, and travelling. I put in an extra 16.5 hours this week in overtime. And that doesn’t include the 7.5 hours I did last weekend or the hours before that. I wrote my manager on Friday with the updates and also said I was taking this weekend off. I wasn’t taking home work or doing any of my training. I needed a break. I feel like I keep giving more and more to work, but I have so little left for outside of work and add in a D who doesn’t do an equal share of work around the house and my ‘well’ is dry. One of my colleagues is leaving and we are getting two others. Another of my colleagues is going for holidays for 3.5 weeks. Part of me is looking forward to having both of those colleagues not around for a while. I get we are all stressed out and on the verge of burn out, but shee-eeet, can we not be so negative or useless? And don’t tell me we need to work smarter not harder when you can’t get your head out of your own arse to see the detrimental effect you bring to the team, when you bring the same attitude to everything even when it is not based in reality. Stop blaming everyone else and see what you can do to help change things. And if you don’t feel like you can change things – then why are you here?

I feel like I am so behind in so many things. I feel like I can’t keep up with what is going on in my life, let along with work. I feel like the boss wants me to take on more and more, but also wants me to give up the few things I enjoy. I was screened out of two job offers – even though I obviously have the experience and skills, I just can’t prove it in writing or interviews. I feel like I give so much at home, I have little energy left at home. I feel like there is something missing at home. There is so much to do and so little time, energy to do it. My neighbor, who is in his seventies, has more energy than I do. I feel like there is no end in sight for this stress and I’m tired of being sore, exhausted, and emotional. And the few weird things I do enjoy, people make fun of me for – I like fresh sheet day – there is something about getting into fresh sheets before you go to bed that is so rewarding for me. I like cleaning my kitchen – again, it just relaxes me to have my kitchen cleaned.

I am torn at work about moving up and making more money versus the stress level. Do I want more stress? My current job is not getting less stressful, but becoming management doesn’t mean less stress, that’s for sure. I need to take some time and figure things out, but honestly I have no energy for that. And I look around the house and all I see are the things that need to be done. By the time, we get the things we want to do down, we will have redone the entire house. Was that my goal? Goodness no. And when can we do this? And how do we afford it? I want to do another away holiday – but that requires time and money. And it sucks right now with some of my mentors at work retiring – which – great for them, congrats and all that – but I have few people who can offer references. I have few people I look up to that can help me.

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts. For having a weekend off I still feel like I didn’t get enough done. One more day – and D should be home. We really should be working on the garage, but I bet the excuse of a sore back means nothing will get done. If so, then I really need to get a couple more things on my own to do list done. Sighhhh.

Do you wanna touch me...

It’s funny. I think of something that would make a good post and so I start up the computer, wait for all the usual stuff to happen, check my emails, and then I’m exhausted and want to be off the computer. Usually because I know I should be doing finances and paying bills, but that is going to take another hour and it is certainly more important than ‘a post.’ So all these thoughts get stuck in my mind and I try to hold onto them for when I have a moment to write up a post. Most of the time, they disappear with just faint echoes of their significance left.

Today I saw the following:

I hate small talk.
I want talk about atoms, death, aliens, sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, faraway galaxies, the lies you’ve told, your flaws, your favorite scents, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears… I like people with depth, who speak with an emotion from a twisted mind. I don’t want to know “what’s up.”
- The Mind unleashed

It’s very true. I have stayed up or out longer than anticipated because the conversation was meaty and interesting and involved getting to know someone better. So many times I have been near last or last to leave a party because I find often by the end, the people left want to talk. The conversation gets intimate, funny, deep, enlightening. And who wants to end a great conversation? Not me.

That is the introvert in me, the detailed person, the gatherer. To me, learning about people – what they are interested in, what they’ve done, what they laugh at – that is the interesting part of life. I want to hang out and chat. I want to hear your stories and if the stars align, I’ll share mine. It’s not that my life is such a big secret, but it certainly has had its share of discrimination and harassment. Friends get weird because I identify as bisexual or ambiphilic; because I have an interest in alternative lifestyles; because I’m interested in some of the weird and strange things that people believe and do. I have my own biases, but that doesn’t mean I’m not interested in learning more about things.

I’m struggling though. It takes so long for me to be able to share my stories or thoughts, especially with people I don’t know well, but even with friends. I don’t want to whine or complain or bore people with my problems, so I often don’t talk about what’s going on. Which means I suffer in silence or with people just knowing a bit of something. And I feel like when I go to bring it up, I am repeating myself when really I am just setting up my thoughts again and maybe this time I’ll get a little bit farther.

I’m doing this wonderful event this year that is taking me outside my comfort zone. I’m trying to get used to the idea of some of the stuff that will happen, but gosh, my brain is just a bundle of fears, excitement, terror, giddiness, wonder, stress, and did I say fears? One of the events is a boudoir shoot. I love my body – from my breasts up and calves down. Teehee. Well, I love certain regions in between, but for the most part, that area and I are constantly struggling against each other’s desires. We were told to get a matching bra and panty set and a proper bra fitting. First off – I don’t get the desire of matching. I get it’s pretty, blah, blah, blah. Honestly, give me a pair of Jockey for Her and I’m happy. My bra can be all sorts of sexy, lacy, etc. But I just want a pair of panties that fit, are comfortable, and cover my butt.

So L and I went shopping today. One shop was too busy so we are now have appointments two weeks from now. L got a wonderful woman at the next shop we went to, but it appears once you have an ample bosom, this shop mostly had granny wear. They had a few that fit, but nothing that said wow. Part of it was just that I don’t think shear is all ‘that’ sexy. I’m more of a tease with my clothes – hints, peeks, impressions. Let’s be honest – I’m just a tease. Teehee.

So over to one of my favorite stores (2 locations) – where I found several to try. It was interesting that one store was doing a better sale than the other. Regardless, I bought a couple things – even one set that matches. I know I have lots of sexy bras… it’s really the panties that are the problem. And then I think – do I really want that part of me to be on the camera anyway? And all that fun of finding pretty, sexy bras goes into the trash. There goes the self-confidence and the excitement. Instead, my eyes start looking for suit jackets and pants and clothes that I like rather than underwear. Another location and the same thing happened… like the bras… hate the matching underwear. Sighhhhh. Tomorrow I may go to another of my favorite stores and see if they have matching underwear since I’m pretty sure that is where I went shopping last.

I was reading an article online earlier how being naked helps you reconnect with your body and accept it. I tend to be naked a lot at home and really, I just got good at being less observant of it. And getting naked in front of other people… uh, not really interested. Don’t want to go to the nude beach (uh – remember, vampire pale skin means no direct sun and delicious blood means no locations where mosquitos would have access to delicate areas). I don’t tend to do pools (much against my massage therapist’s wishes as it would help me). And I haven’t found my cuddle pile yet that encourages all sorts of nakedness.

My first boyfriend popped back into conversation today. He was introduced to me by L who was in school with him. This was the guy for whom I was his first and then dumped me after a few months because we had sex too much. Yup... Still makes me shake my head. Still makes me question my sex drive. Amazing the amount of power a memory can have on you.

Anyway, I should get back to doing finances and paying bills. Sadly, they don’t pay themselves. I’m still working through things as you can tell. Someday…

If knowledge was all it took, I would be a size 4.

That was my response to The Hat during a conversation recently and it stuck with me. The Hat and I had a great chat even if it was born from sadness. It’s been a tough year for him and when he reached out, I responded because goodness, we have known each other twenty years now. How crazy is that. Our friendship has gone through phases, like life does, but it’s been an interesting friendship. His tough year has led him to question where he is at in his life. Of course, that just leads to me thinking again. Though – really – do I need a reason to contemplate, dwell, ruminate, reflect, think deep thoughts? Teehee.

Add in the background to my comment – In November, I was elated – I had finally broke that darn five pound barrier and entered a lower tens digit in my weight. Whoohoo! Reason to celebrate, right? Except by Christmas, I had put on enough weight to go up to the higher tens digit. And I have fought my body since then trying to at least get back to where I hovered most of last year. Today, the scale brought me back to that spot. While nothing to cheer about, at least I am out of that higher bracket. It was starting to feel that my body was never going to get lighter no matter how much I exercised or ate healthy or what.

Of course, my eating has not been perfect. Usually near the end of winter I am struggling to find the energy/motivation to cook. This year seemed to hit harder than previously. And it has stayed around longer. I am just so sick of being the sole person who cooks. I am tired of coming up with the menu and doing the grocery list. There is a part of me that wants to try new recipes and foods, but like the rest of my life, that part seems to get overridden by utter laziness, procrastination, and sheer boredom. And even though I know better I reach out to fast food at late hours. And even lunches lately – I am just sick of the leftovers I have and I haven’t been cooking enough recipes that have leftovers, so when I do have leftovers, it is sooooo repetitive.

Which brings me to my response – I have the knowledge. What I am missing is that spark that kicks my ass and keeps my motivation going.

Now I have my Fitbit and I love my Fitbit. I signed up for Beachbody on Demand and am enjoying the options. I am trying to get out at least for the morning coffee break with the folks at work for the 15 minute walk. I am trying to manage my stress (not so good on that) and get more sleep (so-so). I am increasing my steps and trying to grab things like fruit, yogurt, or a bowl of cereal for evening snacks. I’ve been eating less of the side stuff that I bring to work. And yet… the struggle is there. The frustration is there.

My friend S said that it all came together for her when she resolved some mental/emotional issues she had. I am pretty sure that is where I am at. I know there are things in my head that I have to deal with. It would help if people didn’t just keep telling me to learn to let things go. That’s as good advice as saying lose weight. Goodness, if it was that easy, wouldn’t we all be our ideal sizes?!?

That is what my boss put in my evaluation for last year – I need to let go and then she listed a whole bunch of things that I would have to give up – tasks that I am good at, that I enjoy, that bring me a change and joy. I know it is weird to people, but I like making a really good excel spreadsheet. I like showing people new things and watching them get excited when they learn something new or finally get something. I get that the boss has to balance what everyone is interested in with operational needs. I get I need to share my many years of knowledge. I need people to be interested. I need time to teach them. I also think though that if people are not doing very well at the basic job, then they should not be rewarded. Most of my team has been involved in a project in our unit. The boss has kept me out so I can work on the basic operational things and do a bunch of analysis and reports. I am enjoying this immensely and I have the skills and work ethic to get this done without much oversight from her. Even though I could do what the others are doing and probably do it faster (that’s why my colleagues say ‘that’s how long it takes in your time, what about real time?’). One colleague has been away on sick leave and is coming back to work slowly (super slowly) and now the boss is trying to give her all the fun stuff I have been doing because ‘that’s what she is interested in doing’. This colleague is very slow in her work and she hasn’t had the greatest attitude at work for a couple years now. And she gets rewarded with the work I was enjoying?

The only reward to doing a good job is more work. That seems to be the attitude at work. If you do a good job, have a good work ethic, and have initiative, then congratulations! You get more work dumped on your desk and it’s not the fun stuff. The people who are not doing a good job and have a bad attitude – they get take on the new projects and do the fun stuff – because just maybe that will change their attitude. Gosh forbid they have to learn to the job properly and regardless of whether they enjoy it. For goodness sake, for more than a year it has been suggested they move on to another department, but neither seems to be putting in much effort. It’s like someone else has to do all that work for them too.

Now I know – I have no idea what is going on in their lives. It’s not like they are sharing with anyone to help us understand. And they don’t have too. But don’t expect my sympathy or understanding if I am kept in the dark. And don’t expect me to do my job and yours because you are too… whatever to do it. If you need sick time (mental or physical), then take it (we have benefits). If you don’t love your job, then go to a different job or put on your big girl’s panties and do the job you have to an adequate level.

I think I mentioned before that as well as letting go of fun tasks, my boss has also said I need to understand that if someone else does it, they may not do as good of a job. I get that – they are still learning. But then she says and the standard of quality will lower. What the—why? It’s one thing that the quality will suffer as they learn, but to lower the standard of quality of our products? Why would we allow that? I’m told that I make it hard to argue for more resources, because I just get things done. Wait – now I’m in trouble for doing a good job? For caring about our clients? For doing the best job I can? Would someone please explain this all to me…I don’t get this thinking and explains a lot of the stereotypes we get called. It doesn’t matter how good a job I do, if there are so many more not doing a good job and getting away with it.

All this has done is encourage me to start looking harder. Mind you, I am kept busy enough that doing proactive things is hard to do. Goodness, my emails and desk look so disorganized. I haven’t had the time I need to clean or file or organize. And of course, that gets left to last. There are so many things I want to do, but it seems every other day there is something more important, of a higher priority, or is a crisis that takes my time.

So what happens is I give my all at work and then come home exhausted and the motivation to exercise and cook goes out the window. Or I stick to the same things over and over which kill any motivation I may try to have. I feel like my house is a mess and I can’t keep up. Spring has sprung and I feel already behind in prepping the garden. And I feel like it is mostly left on my shoulders to do the work, to make the decisions, to keep everything running at home. My emails are behind at home too. All I want to do is sit down, pick up the tablet and just do mindless things. I am behind in reading my magazines and books. I have various tasks a part of me wants to do, but who has the energy to do it.

Maybe it’s me who needs to take some mental health sick time. I’m trying to see friends and hang out with people at work. I am trying to get sleep and do things to the best that I can for that day. I just don’t know what is so different now. Why am I so tired now? Why can’t I keep up? Why does it feel like I am falling behind daily? Goodness knows I eat better now than I used to. I say it must be the less sex, more stress, less quality sleep, more electronics, and just the sheer volume of information that comes at us each day.

Anyway, I just wanted to get some of those thoughts down. I know some are repeats and that’s because I haven’t figured them out yet. I just keep thinking and pondering and I will get there eventually. Now – back to trying to clean some emails out.

Be brave. Without bravery, you will never know the world as richly as it wants to be known. Without bravery, your life will remain small- far smaller than you probably wanted your life to be.”-Elizabeth Gilbert

A special friend of mine has a show right now. In her words, the project is: We all have stories we tell ourselves. “You are fat, and ugly, and no one wants you” we say. Or, “You are strong and beautiful and I love you.” The stories change from day to day, hour to hour. Some of the stories were written for us years ago with other people’s words. Some we are writing now, willfully, choosing carefully, deciding what we will become. It isn’t easy.

In this project we will explore the words we use to tell these stories, and the marks they leave on us.

I attended the opening reception and even though I know the project and people who participated, it is amazing the effect there is when seeing the photos together and with some of the stories. Be prepared to leave the show affected and deep in thought. It is interesting to see how different people take in the show and when you discuss it with friends later. In talking with one gentleman, he was saying how he felt the trigger for the horrible thoughts women have is due to boys who don’t have the maturity to handle puberty and breasts and hormones. He seemed to think most of the problems come from males. A discussion with a girlfriend led to how we both agree that other females can be even harsher critics that boys and sometimes all it takes is a comment from a seemingly well-meaning family member to start a life of self-criticism. And let’s be honest, we are our own worst enemies. In one course I was in, we were discussing the words that we say to ourselves every day, every hour, whatever. If we said these things to other people, we would be horrified. And yet, we don’t question it when we say these words to ourselves.

I had dinner with a great friend of mine, S, recently and when she took off her coat, I couldn’t help but notice how lean she looks. When I mentioned it, she said that ever since she had a break-through recently in her thoughts, noticed that her body had changed – like she was holding literally on to weight, size, whatever, because of the mental obstacles. I made a joke that I was obviously holding on to a lot of mental issues. I think we both knew that there was truth in that statement, but being the good queen of de-nial, I adjusted the topic and left it to stew in the back of my thoughts. It takes me a long time to think things through and want to share the thoughts. And usually by the time I am ready to talk, there is no one around to talk to. Whether that is because it took me a while to work up to talking during a girls’ night and now it’s time to go home or whether because I am having so much fun catching up and talking about other things that it never seems the right time to discuss these seemingly random thoughts in my head.
Sadly, this means I usually keep the thoughts to myself. And what are some of these random thoughts:
- Why am I the one who got interested in sex so early and yet my currently life is so vacant of sex?
- Why am I someone who was interested early in polyamory and BDSM and such and yet I’m the one not living this to my full interest?
- Why is my well so damaged and empty that I am full of exhaustion (mental, physical, emotional)?
- How do I fill my well when it seems like my usual methods aren’t doing a very good job?
- How do I find interest and joy in my job again? Is it time for a change? What do I want to do?
- Why am I constantly self-sabotaging my efforts to be healthier and happier?
- Why does it seem like there is less time in the day and less sleep during the night?

At work, the team is not doing well. One is in the hospital and expected to be off for 6 weeks. Another is taking medical appointments every week. The third, who like me does the most work, keeps getting sick and her bouts seem to be getting worse. We have a part-timer who is doing well and has little to do because the rest of us can’t get caught up with our own work to provide her feedback on her work. We finally have another who has returned for a special project, so while he will help with that, it doesn’t help us with the regular work. And then there is me. Fortunately, I haven’t been getting sick, but headaches, tension in the shoulders, tightness and soreness in the legs – it all adds up to the effects of stress. And my boss’s response is that I need to let go, accept that we may have to do less quality work, accept that the others won’t do as good as a job, and give up the few things that bring me joy – like mentoring any new folks, training, and maintenance and improvements on some spreadsheets that I’ve called ‘my babies.’ Fair – hell no. And she approaches me with these ideas and I feel like I can’t say what I want to say. Her latest is that we may be getting a new person. This person has already identified to me that they are coming over because of me and wants to be mentored by me, but the boss wants someone else to do the mentoring to bring up their skills. Do I get where my boss is coming from? Absolutely. Do I think this person needs to work on their leaderships skills? Heck yes. Is it something I would rather do? Oh yeah. So part of me feels like I am doing such great work that I am getting punished; that someone who is not doing very well in their job is getting this honour; that I feel sorry for the new person because I don’t think they’ll get mentored well. I am hopeful that this will be something that will engage this team member and she will return to being on track for being a great person for this position. But I still hear what everyone else is doing and I’m doing triple the work that this person is doing. There is a part of me that is wanting to get out – try something new – take an assignment elsewhere. The problem with an assignment is that they could pull operational needs and pull me back and do I really want to come back to a place where the quality will have decreased significantly with me gone. I see what work these people do and I just think they are not there yet. Some because they are new – some for reasons I can’t fathom. But I am also aware the grass is not always greener and if I don’t do an assignment, then I have no fallback. But really – could I come back knowing how different the quality would be? Do I want to come back if nothing has changed, just the standards lowered? I just don’t know. And to some extent, I feel like my boss wants me to leave – so the standards could be lowered, so that the higher ups could see we are under-resourced and trained, and hopefully, some in the team would pick up their socks and maybe do better. Honestly, it is a very hard environment to work in.

And then I come home and I’m mentally exhausted. I am physically sore and I am uninterested in doing a lot of things. Add in an absentee D who is involved in lots of things and yet can’t seem to make an effort to understand and respect our differences so to help me recover. Who wants to have people over and yet doesn’t understand how coming home at 7 in the evening reduces the opportunity to have people over. Let alone leaving me to be the one to clean the house and prep for people isn’t exactly fair, especially when D comes in and then tries to take over. Uh – no – people who don’t help plan, clean, prep (let alone clean up) for the party, don’t get take over.

I am just finding things quite frustrating right now.

Add in ‘ndie’s mom is in the hospital again and there is worry there. My dad had one knee replaced and goes in for the other in June. Mom’s back is still in utter pain. I rarely get to see my brother and the kids. I barely talk to my other niece and her mother. I feel like I can’t do anything well right now. And this include relaxing, letting go, organizing, cleaning, being. Thank goodness for my kitty – who makes me laugh daily and loves me a lot.

I’m just tired. I found a cute pic of kitty:

I want the three months of sleep. Teehee.
Anyway, I should move on to finishing chores and thinking about supper.

I wish I was kissing you instead of missing you. – The Darkest Torment Gena Showalter

So many moments I have wanted to write an entry and then the time flies by and it’s time to do something else.

Let me tell you what has been in my thoughts these few weeks of 2017.

Why has no one done anything about the new president of the states? Why am I so shocked and dismayed that no one has done anything? I should know to be disappointed; I guess I just thought someone in that country would do something, prove something, prevent the whole thing from going down.

I LOVE the memes of Obama and Biden and then the few with Michelle. I have come to appreciate the honesty and humor of Trevor Noah. I am very thankful I am not on Twitter because I can’t stand the fact that the states is being run by 140 characters or less.

At a stress workshop we took this week, the facilitator read us a poem about letting go. It is a lovely poem. That being said, by line two, I had decided this was all about a person on their death bed, because I honestly cannot imagine it is just that easy. I then shared why thought at the end with a comment of “… and then she died.” It got a lot of laughs and a few dirty looks. I ended up playing the class clown in the session – not sure how that happened, but I’m guessing it’s because while I was excited for the session earlier in the week, by that morning, I was not all that enthused anymore.

Another thing the facilitator talked about was the cycle of stress – there is a stressor, then a response, then we recover, and then a new stressor. She mentioned about stress creep – where it is insidious and you don’t notice it as much. Then she talked about our recovery period being like we are dipping into a well. Lots of people liked the image of a well. Not me. You guess it, my brain went dark – well collapse, they get poisoned, they get sludge in the bottom and slowly fill, but you never notice because the top looks the same. This is how I feel about my recovery well – I believe it looks like it quite full most of the time, but what people aren’t seeing is that the bottom of my recovery well is full of sludge which is not helping recover from stress. The things that used to fill my well (inner strength and beliefs – like the water table – and rain (external factors)) don’t work as well when the bottom is full of sludge. She talked about the scale which goes from green, to yellow, to orange, to red. Burnout happens in the red. I tried to ask what happens when your normal is in the yellow to orange range as well as how many symptoms can you check on the burnout table before you should worry, but she never really answered.

Am I heading toward burnout? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am mentally exhausted, I am tired, I am not recovering as fast as I used to, I am lonely, I am depressed, I am frustrated and less patient, and I am not handling things as good as I want to. I feel a bit lost and uncertain of what I want to do in my life and at work. I feel incompetent and yet, no one else seems to think I am. My boss had glowing praise for my skills. Am I the only one who sees how far behind I am falling?

So what am I going to do about it? I honestly don’t know. I have decided that I need to stop putting things aside. I want to do some colouring and I bought some coloring books, but then I was like I can’t colour in the books – they are so pretty. Where the heck did that thought sudden come from? I still can’t find my crayons and old colouring books. I haven’t knitted in months though the yarn taunts me. I am behind over a year in my three magazines and almost two years in a fourth. I should exercise but I am so tired and sore that it pains me to think about it.

I did get a new phone and gave myself a new ipad. These have turned into wonderful time wasters. I bought myself a new fitbit because my last one died. This one buzzes when you have not moved at least 250 steps in an hour. Guess who has it buzz several times a day and ignores it? In fact, according to the new fitbit, my goal for steps should be 6500. Wow – I remember when it was 10K.

It’s funny – I was had so many things I wanted to talk to a friend of mine about on Wednesday, but then when we got together, I didn’t feel the need to talk about it anymore. We were having fun and I didn’t want to ruin it or I didn’t think any of it was important. Except that it is important and the next morning when I got not enough sleep, my head was in a dark place and I probably should have talked about it. But I feel like I say the same things over and over now. The biggest question I really have is why am I self-sabotaging? Why can’t I do the things that would make me happier, that would calm me, that would make me healthier? I am seriously so sore and tense and I need to do some yoga, I need to move, I need to relax. I am so exhausted and I know doing a few things would take me out of the exhaustion – would remove some sludge and fill my well. I don’t want my new normal to be high stress. I don’t want it to be exhaustion. I don’t want it to be not being happy. So how do I kick my own arse? How do I take that first step… and keep going? I’m good at taking the first step and then I falter so quickly.

Yeah – that’s where I am at right now. And since I am exhausted and my fitbit is going to buzz soon again, I am going to make dinner and settle down for a night of a couple movies. If I’m not completely lazy, perhaps I’ll read some magazines and do some colouring.

You have a voice. Don’t put yourself in a box. Don’t let the polite lies of society silence you. – AnnaLynne McCord

I wish I remembered this quote more often. I find it takes a bit before I want to talk – to anyone. And then it takes a bit before I can open up about something I want to talk about. Is this just due to my lack of social interaction lately? Is it due to ongoing low grade depression? Is it still trust issues? I want to get out more and talk to people. I want to engage more and get involved. But I am also an introvert and my involvement meter fills very quickly – i.e. it doesn’t take much engagement before I am tired and don’t want to be involved. I need to talk some things out, but it takes so long for me to feel ready to talk that people are leaving by the time I want to start talking.

It’s been a tough week again. Work is the usual hectic, chaotic shite that it is. I could talk about the people leaving like rats on a sinking ship. I could talk about the amount of knowledge leaving with them and the fact that there are so few people left who have any historical knowledge. But what’s the point? Let’s be honest – work has not gotten better since November 2014. I question myself all the time whether I should stay and ride out this storm or I should leave. Will this chaos end without plummeting into scandal, front page stories, or sheer stupidity? I honestly don’t know.

Regardless, this week’s depression is based on personal stuff. It seems the beautiful new kitty we got in June had stomach cancer and Tuesday, we had to put her down. The cancer had spread, her cavities were filled with fluid making breathing difficult, and she wasn’t pooping or eating. Supposedly the previous owner was wondering if she was sick before I adopted her. Yes, dear, stomach cancer is a slow growing cancer that can take years to show symptoms and all of the puking that was ignored – that was a sign of things going wrong. I am trying to think more positively – like her last few weeks were spent in a peaceful household full of love, affection, and lots of spoiling. I want to think she was happy with us. It’s just sad that she’s gone.

According to conversation with SIL, D isn’t ready for a new cat. But I am. Not to replace Maisy, but because I love animals, especially cats. I want something to love. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to feel purrs and soft fur and know that I am bringing some creature happiness. My soul aches for another cat. My heart begs and goodness knows my blood pressure is definitely lower with having a cat in the house. I want a reason to come home. Work is not satisfying, so let’s not waste time there. Let’s come home and share our life with a cat who is excited to see us. And yes, it can happen with a cat. Nox used to greet me at the door whenever I came home; she would totally ignore D who had been home all day, but when the door opened, she’d be waiting for me.

I like to think the universe is watching out for me. One of the kitties we had been considering at the same time as Maisy is available for adoption. I was sure she had been off the site when I looked after deciding on Maisy, but she was back on when I looked on Wednesday in a desperate need to see if there were any kitties who called out to me. So is it the universe providing? Is it coincidence? I’m going with the universe is providing. I’ve applied for adoption; we’ll see if I am considered worthy now.


There are so many other things I have thought about writing.
Politics – between the mania over the Prime Minister and the jaw-dropping shock that a certain individual is still a presidential nominee (really – the joke has gone on long enough – please) – there’s so much to say, but I’m sure someone else has said it.

TV shows – I wish I could talk about that. I am soooooo behind in preparing this year. Thank goodness for preview shows which I am madly taping so I can get prepared. And of course, D and I still have two shows from last season to catch up on. Ack! Mind you – if you are not watching Better Late Than Never with Henry Winkler, William Shatner, George Foreman, Terry Bradshaw, and Jeff Dye – please start watching. Two episodes in and I have laughed out loud several times in both shows. So funny!

Entertainment – so many people dying again and then there are reminders of who has died previously – gosh, it is so sad sometimes.

Myself – so many dreams, so little energy. So much to do, so little energy. So many hobbies, so little energy. So much weight to lose, so many emotions to eat. I’ve eaten out far too many times this week – and not that I didn’t enjoy the food. I just don’t enjoy the lack of weight loss, the upset stomach, the negative thoughts that flood my brain, the feeling of failure. I managed to lose some weight this week, which makes me think what could I have lost if I hadn’t eaten out. Such horrible thinking.

Books – I was reading a very interesting book this weekend – Random Acts of Kindness. I enjoyed the book, but then it hit me that I don’t really have a core group of friends. I have a few close friends, but not a core group that all hang out together. And I constantly feel like I am sort of on the sidelines. We all have busy lives, except mine doesn’t feel busy. It’s a very lonely world sometimes. Doesn't help I am reading a book called What we eat when we are alone. Teehee.

Anyway, it’s way past my bedtime, so I should be off. I just wanted to share the latest.

2015: Memory Lane

Continuing my tradition, it is that time of year to review the last year and ponder all that has occurred – the highs, the lows, and all the rest.

Let’s start with 2015 was a year of constant stress, competing priorities, unhealthy habits, and a desperate desire for something.

Starting last November, work began with project after project after project, etc. In theory, the current project has a break now – not sure for how long and it really doesn’t matter because we have already been given our next priority/project. This has been the story of the year at work. Just when you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you find out it is another train coming and goodness, each train hits you harder than the last because there is no time to recover. By May, my blood pressure was no longer averaging in the beautiful range. It moved up just a little bit, but it was a definite new norm. In July, I went to the doctor to make sure things weren’t going south quickly, but overall, I am healthy. In October, at my yearly annual, my health is still good, but my blood pressure is still in the new norm. I haven’t gone back, but taking my measurements at home, I can see that the new norm is staying.

It wouldn’t be so bad at work except everyone on the team are feeling the effects and it is so hard to stay optimist amidst all the negativity. Add in the feeling that if I show my stress, it stresses everyone else more and there is definitely a double standard that is beyond not fair. Of course, that then competes with the fact that sharing the stress lessens it a bit as you are not alone. It’s been very hard balancing the right amount of sharing with those who understand versus holding back to keep things moving and not stressing everyone else out.

The balance in my life has definitely been out of alignment. The higher ups constantly talk about work-life balance and I would like to know how that is supposed to happen with mandatory overtime and yet an unbalanced work load. Not everyone was doing overtime and yet I was told there was no option. Sure, I had a couple weeks off at the start of the whole mess, but I know my work level and my work ethic. I caught up quickly and was baffled on how I was doing hours of overtime while others were bored. But now their quality of work is starting to show. The mistakes and missed items are starting to pile up and let’s just say if I thought the whole thing was unfair at the beginning, then by the end, I was pissed.

There was a part of me that was impressed on how well my unit was handling the stress, except cracks have started to show and now we have people off for medical reasons. I even took extra time off so I could just get some rest, get stuff done at home, try to recharge. Except it appears the expectations are different for me. I was expected to work one day this week while everyone else got a break. And then instead of being able to relax and maybe clean up my emails and such, instead, I am working on two priorities. Thank goodness, I pay attention and am fairly smart. I was able to reuse previous material and make our lives easier to get both jobs done. But really?!? And then we get an email with our next priority.

The good thing at work that happened was for my birthday my assignment became a permanent position. The question I, and so many people around me, have is whether I want to stay in this unit. I am finding the moments that make me happy are few and far between. How do you recharge when you feel constantly bombarded with more and more tasks and less and less time to catch up? We are supposedly changing our email system sometime soon – I need time to clean out my emails. We are supposed to have all of this knowledge at our fingertips and I am finding that I am sifting through so much information I have trouble finding the information. I have this vague feeling that I have dealt with this issue previously, but when and where and what was my response.

What I have definitely discovered is that my patience is no longer as deep as it was. I get frustrated much faster and though I still try to take it out only on myself, I am finding I need to walk away more. I tend to shut up more because what I want to say would not help at that time. That is probably the most evident effect this constant stress has put on me. I try really hard not to show how annoyed I get. Sometimes, I succeed, but other times, I just need to retreat. I want my patience back. I need my patience back.

The person who has a tremendous reserve of patience and tolerance has a certain degree of tranquility and calmness in his or her life. Such a person is not only happy and more emotionally grounded but also seems to be physically healthier and to experience less illness. This person possesses a strong will, has a good appetite, and can sleep with a clean conscience. – Dalai Lama

Anyway, I have spent a lot of time talking about work and that is because work has taken over my life. Yes, I know it can only do that to some extent if you let it, but let’s be honest, after June, I had no reason to come home every night on time. There was no kitty waiting for me, giving me unconditional love and accepting my love in return. Even working overtime, I still beat D home. Taking work home doesn’t affect many activities, because I’m not involved in much and I can do most of my overtime work in front of the TV. In Vancouver, there is a cat café. It sounds like a wonderful place to go and goodness knows I could have used one of those here the last few months. I will get another cat… eventually. I just miss my kitty so much. And who knew I would miss having a reason to be home every night by 7.

This Christmas season has been hard. I have been so far behind in getting prepped, I haven’t been able to enjoy it like I want to, and it just goes by so fast. I haven’t been able to see my brother and family yet – they were sick this year and so we didn’t get together. It would be nice to see the wonder in the kids’ eyes again ad remember what Christmas is about. Instead, it has been hassles and disappointment and exhaustion and wanting to enjoy, but just can’t sustain it.

We have hardly seen any friends. Heck, I have hardly seen any friends lately. Work has been kicking me arse so much that time away from it has been spent sleeping, vegging, cleaning the house, catching up on all the other chores I need to do. Thank goodness for yoga and massages, but yoga has been cancelled by the community league now and to be honest, I haven’t been enjoying the massages as much as I used to.

That’s not to say that there haven’t been some happy moments as well. D and I have been having some great conversation and connection. This has been key as we both were stressed out at the same time. Not a good combo. There is something to be said for having our stress swing between the two of us so only one person is stressed at one time. That is the ideal if we are going to have stress. At least, we know it won’t destroy us – it just requires us to be really committed to talking and listening.

Genuine, human friends stand by whether you are successful or unlucky and always share your sorrow and burdens. The way to make such friends is not by being angry, nor by having good education or intelligence, but by having a good heart. – Dalia Lama

At the Comic Expo in September, I had great interactions with Billy Boyd and James Marsters. It is fun to be at one of these and be one of the few talking to the actors about their music. James let me hold his phone and listen to a song off his new album. Swoon. Then after having a great conversation with his band, Billy thanked me for wanting to talk about music and said I was the first person to do so. When I tried to give a book on behalf of a friend, he signed the book instead. And then I had great talks with some of the artists we regularly see, including Tanner and Amy, Peter, and Jaysin. It also gave me an opportunity to spend some time with my friend J, who I hardly see, but miss greatly. D worked the whole show, so really it was just Neil and I walking the show, but it was still fun.

L and I went to the 80s dinner show at the Mayfield dinner theatre. My first time at that dinner theatre – it was quite enjoyable. The food was delicious and the show was totally entertaining. And it was a nice way to spend an evening with a good friend who has supported me throughout this year. It has been fun listening to all the excitement in her life (I’m sure she would not use excitement for all of it), but it is fun seeing your friend grow in different ways and how brave she is taking on new things and stepping outside of her comfort zone. She inspires me often.

Our Christmas even party was small, but it was a nice evening. Got to see the Hat and his gf – we have nummy food and played rock band and talked. It was good as just an evening off and away from everything.

Sadly, I haven’t seen N and M in a while. I did around my birthday, but life has been crazy. Honestly, I’m not kidding. I have spent most of my time when I am not working trying to recharge. This last week I have been cleaning various parts of my house - partly because I let organization slide during the stress, but also because I am looking for some of my hobbies. There is so much I want to be doing elsewise – seeing friends, getting out and doing something, being active, catching up on shows. I am still reading because that is just a given. I am still trying to finish one puzzle after almost a year because I just can’t get into doing the black zones – goodness is it hard to do distinguish between the shadow areas. I’m behind in reading my magazines. My emails and computer at home are just as messy as work. I don’t want to be on the computer when I get home. I play my mindless games on my phone and that’s about all I want to do. It’s a struggle to keep up with emails and finances and keeping in touch. I want to write letters to my friends. I want to update my blog more often. I want to get back into shape. A few years ago I felt like I had so much energy and this year I am just so blah. Trying to getting into the mood to even go out is a chore. It’s not that I don’t want to – part of me is all like rah, rah but the other part of me is fighting the need to get out of house clothes, to put on make-up, to get the energy and shields up to deal with other people.

And I want to spend more time with S, who I haven’t been able to see in what feels like forever. And all of my other friends – I want to spend more time with people I adore and who accept me. I want to catch up and laugh and connect.

I’ve been trying to surround myself with quotes to help motivate me. I wouldn’t say they are 100% working, but there are helping. Here are some of my favorites:

Today well-live makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. – Sanskrit proverb

Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive. I have a precious human life and I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefits of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts toward others. I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can. – Dalai Lama

I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude. – Henry David Thoreau

How about you take a few skill ranks in Kiss My Ass? - Belkar
Hey I don’t make the rules; I just twist them to my purpose – Celia
I’m true neutral. I go both ways. – Julia
I think I just had an Evilgasm – Xykon

So what else has happened this year? The first part of the year was busy; then the second half has just been stressful. We paid off the furnace. That was a reward. Then we started the roof, which of course, also involved attic insulation. It started late fall, ran into some difficulties, and now we are waiting until spring for it to be finished. Not cool. At least we have new attic insulation. And the roof is water proofed and mostly done. But mostly is not completely. And of course, we are paying for part of that already. Joy.

Losing the cat really affected me. I don’t think I have fully dealt with it. I think part of me is doing all this overtime and other stuff to keep me from feeling the loneliness and pain of her death. I miss so many little things and part of me is like get over it already, no one wants to hear about it, but the other part of me keeps looking for her. It pauses when I pull out the Christmas stockings because there is no reason to put out hers. I still get that little stutter in my heart before I get home thinking about her greeting me, except then I remember she won’t be there. When life would get really bad, I just wanted to pick her up one more time and hug her. I really do miss her so much.

Anyway, 2015 has been a tough year. There were ups and there were lows. I need something to change though. So I am hopeful 2016 will be better. To everyone, I wish a life full of acceptance and love. To all my friends, I am grateful for your friendship so much and I wish you a future full of promise and opportunity. Here’s to a new year full of fun, friends, laughter, cuddle piles, intimate connections, opportunities for what the heart desires, good health, adventure, and of course, love.

Stress… It’s a killer.

There was a time when I had hope. When I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, when my brass ring was within reach, when there was a semblance of a chance at a life… I’m not sure where it all went. I struggle every day to make it through the day – keeping the smile on my face, encouraging my coworkers, being the flexible, reward based task master as we try to get through these ridiculous time lines.

Senior management talks about work-life balance and then turns around and asks if you can work more hours at night and on the weekends. It’s just for a short time. Soon we will be back to normal – do you honestly think we are buying this?

This year just keeps filling up with priority after priority and I can feel that my health, my life, my mental state is being affected. My sleep is so wonky – I often wake up at odd hours dreaming about work. And once the brain starts, I just can’t get it to stop. So I lie in bed trying to focus on my breathing, pretend my thoughts are clouds and they are just floating past – except it’s like there is a storm on the horizon as they race past me. I get vertigo just watching them.

On the positive side, my office has the best attitude. Even though we are stressed and frustrated, we still laugh and try to support each other. The other offices are miserable and they are determined to take everyone down with them. We respond to rewards – homemade banana bread, candy, bought lunches. We give each other kudos when due. We try to help each other. We sing and do dance parties. It is amazing sometimes what we do to keep ourselves going.

My boss has approved my holidays. Thank goodness. Just a couple more weeks to go and I am off for two glorious weeks. What are my plans? Same as they are this weekend:
1. Sleep
2. Sleep
3. Eat
4. Sleep
5. Work on the yard
6. Sleep
7. Do some shopping
8. Sleep
9. Hang with friends
10. Sleep some more
I need my friends so much, but I feel like I am just going to have verbal diarrhea if I see anyone. Poor K at work gets to listen to me the few times we see each other at work. And breaks – I am locking the door at lunch to get people out of the room so we get a break. Some people are working around this, but at least I’m getting out. So many days though my head just thinks “I want a hug.”

Unfortunately, the break I am taking is usually to walk somewhere to buy food. I am eating out every weekday. Not only is this expensive, but hello – calories!?! The bonus is I am trying some of the food trucks. The bad news I am never going to get healthier at this rate. I have these grandiose plans to exercise when I get home- it will release stress and get the good chemicals flowing. Except after working 10-12 hour days, I’m exhausted. The last two blocks home are so hard. It takes all my energy to lift my feet and honestly, sometimes, it is merely the motion of my arms swinging back and forth that keeps me shuffling. I end up bargaining with myself – just two more blocks and we will walk in the door, take off our shoes, our socks, our work clothes. Two more blocks and we will walk in the door, take off our shoes, our socks and we will sit down and do nothing. One and a half blocks and we will walk in the door, take off our shoes, our socks, and we will do something that does not require thinking. One more block – it’s so close and then we can take off our shoes, our socks, we can sit, we can relax, we can just sit and hear and think and do nothing. Just a few more houses…

I only took home a document to provide feedback on this weekend. Thank goodness. I put in about 12 hours of overtime this week – and Monday was a holiday! Oy!

I want this to get better. I want this to calm down a bit. I want senior management to back off. I want some push back about ridiculous timelines and speeches about work-life balance.

The recent quotes I found that made me smile:

I'm a little smart ass
Short and stout
Here is my finger
Here is my mouth
When I get all worked up
I will shout
Piss me off and
I'll cuss you out.

OR

Staying quiet doesn't mean I have nothing to say. It means I don't think you're ready to hear my thoughts.

I need things that make me smile.

Anyway – time to implement my weekend plans and sleep. Whoohoo!