When you start the journey of revenge, dig two graves.

A few weeks ago, I read this in Lover Reborn by JR Ward. Have you ever read a passage and it made you stop and just think? This was one of those lines. Then a week after that, I was watching Supernatural and this line was used. Not only is this a good quote, but it is a good thought-provoker. It made me stop and think. I love the Black Dagger Brotherhood series and goodness, after so many books, I am totally invested in these characters. This book is all about Tohrment and my heart just bled for the pain and suffering he was going through from losing the love of his life. How do you go on? How do you stop punishing yourself for living? How do you accept the slowly blurring memories, deal with the shared possessions, and move on with your life? Poor Tohr. We have watched him slowly waste away as his sole motivation for living was revenge. And we watched those around him be affected by his depression. It’s a good reminder of how much of an effect our thoughts and beliefs can have on others as well as ourselves.

I followed this book with a non-fiction book I had put on hold a looong time ago called Quiet: The power of Introverts in a world that can’t stop talking by Susan Cain. A wonderful book that is thought-provoking, makes me nod my head, smile, and feel like someone gets me. I have never been in doubt that I am an introvert. On the Myers-Brigg tests, that is one of my very solid scores. Being in groups exhausts me. I can spend hours alone in my head and not see anything wrong with this. People who have known me for a long time or meet me when I am in a small group of friends are always surprised that I am not only an introvert, but shy. Goodness, people often seem to want to argue with my shyness. I generally reply that I got an A in drama for a reason. This book explains it all. It combs through all the research and explains the differences between extroverts and introverts while showing the power of both. There are real world examples of people who are successful and introverted. It has tips and acceptance and explanations. I highly recommend it to everyone. I marked so many pages (well – obviously not actually marked – it IS a library book, but put a piece of paper in so I could go back and read again).

A mind forever / Voyaging through strange seas of Thought alone. – William Wordsworth describing Newton

It explains why open concept offices and group think are not the best, must have business principles. It shows that not allowing people space to think, to be on their own, can actually stifle creativity, problem-solving, and productivity. And so many kids are now being put into classrooms where this is the main concept. I feel so bad for the poor young introverts, struggling to deal with all the stimuli. It also demonstrates why brainstorming is not getting all of the ideas – and boy do I feel this one. When we do this at work, I often am quiet, thinking, deciding what I actually think/feel. Often the talk is winding down or is already being wrapped up when I finally am ready to speak. Thankfully, my manager gets this. She has no problems if I come back after a session and say “this is what I think” or “I am having some difficulties with what was decided.”

It’s also why exhortations to imagine the audience in the nude don’t help nervous speakers; naked lions are just as dangerous as elegantly dressed ones. – Susan Cain

I appreciated the section that explained how some people can be so forth-coming on the internet, but in person, they shut down. It’s not necessarily the freedom of being whoever on the internet that makes it easier, but the fact that you can then control your environment. You can be in a safe locale, where the stimuli are muted, there are no interruptions, and your focus is solely on what you are doing on the internet.

A man has as many social selves as there are distinct groups of person about whose opinion he cares. He generally shows a different side of himself to each of these different groups. – William James

So back to my shyness – Chapter 9 is: When should you act more extroverted than you really are? A fascinating section explaining what psychologists had thought previously from situationism to fixed personality traits to free trait adoption. As well, should we attempt to manipulate our behavior? Should we be true to ourselves? Can and should an introvert pretend to be an extrovert? Talk about morally ambiguous and exhausting. I loved the tips, like when networking, instead of getting a handful of business cards, have one genuine conversation and follow up with that person the next day. Make that one contact and give yourself permission to go home early.

Intense curiosity or focused interest seems odd to their peers. – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

The book even explains how the body works different; what physiological differences there are between extroverts and introverts. It is interesting to understand the different activation that occurs in the amygdala. How studies using the fMRI show more activity in certain regions of introverts than extroverts and vice versa. How being who you aren’t can lead to burn out and illness. How carving out “restorative niches” can be a life savior. That suppressing negative emotions for the good of the group tends to leak these emotions later in unexpected ways, including exhaustion, loss of authenticity, and affected physical health.

You once said that you would like to sit beside me while I write. Listen, in that case I could not write at all. For writing means revealing oneself to excess; that utmost of self-revelation and surrender, in which a human being, when involved with others, would feel he was losing himself, and from which, therefore, he will always shrink as long as he is in his right mind…. That is why one can never be alone enough when one writes, why there can never be enough silence around one when one writes, when even night is not night enough. – Kafka

And there is a section for how extroverts and introverts can communicate successfully. It is very true that opposites attract, but the very things that attract can also be the things that are the most annoying. So how do you deal with this? By turning on your empathy and understanding that the other person is not putting you in a life-threatening situation by the way they speak. That often, people are reaching out asking for you to respect them; pay attention to them; love them.

Our culture made a virtue of living only as extroverts. We discouraged the inner journey, the quest for a center. So we lost our center and have to find it again. – Anaïs Nin.