Being upset is a side-effect of giving a crap.
It’s been a tough little while. So much negativity is going on and part of me just wants to crawl under the covers and refuse to come out until the universe makes things fun and happy again.
Deaths of friends, friend’s family members, celebrities I grew up on: you want me to support you because you are finding things hard? I can do that. Let’s talk or just sit and be quiet or be angry or laugh with tears in our eyes. Deal with my own feelings? I don’t know if I can do that. There are times when I am self-aware and all I can tell you now is that I am living the dream in denial. The most shocking was the friend at work. We just talked with him on Friday – had a good laugh over the boredom of being in regional meetings when your region is last on the list. Then Monday we find out he passed away Saturday morning. I just can’t quite wrap my head around it.
Depression: it seems to be something so many people are dealing with. Again, want me to support you? I am there. I listen well, I can offer advice if you want me to, I can remind you why you are a good person, or I can distract you with other things. Having a bad day – I may even out of the blue just feel like sending you a message to tell you how I love you. Know how to deal with my own feelings? Nope. I both want someone to acknowledge me and want to be left alone. I hate to be a burden on others and yet when others need me I don’t feel like they are burdening me. What’s up with that?
Work: Arghhhh! That’s what I have to say. I love my job sometimes – I help people and I truly care, but sometimes, I want people to leave me alone to do all the work I said I would do. I am feeling overwhelmed and like I can’t get stuff done and yet at the end of the day, I am questioning what I did accomplish. I haven’t been taking breaks. I am not taking care of myself and I can feel it. I am so lonely in some aspects at work (no one in my direct unit work here so I feel left out of so much), but then again, I value the quiet to get things done. My colleague who did work in my unit has left for greener pastures, which has left me to pull up the slack. I am trying to let things go. It’s hard. But I also am the main person everyone else comes to.
Life: Same as work. Why am I being such a martyr? Why am I not putting myself at the top of my priority list? I feel like my house is a mess (a reflection on myself) and while I do little things here and there, I just can’t seem to get ahead. What do I do to relax? I don’t know. I am even having trouble sitting watching a TV show. I get bored. I want to do something. Get me on the computer and I play stupid games after reading all my comics and blogs. I don’t want to write; I don’t want to clean my emails.
But goodness have I been shopping. I don’t know why. It’s not always for me either. I am 50% done my Christmas shopping already. D has a wonderful new wardrobe. I have a bunch of new clothes. I am finding sales like you wouldn’t believe. It’s not making me happy.
The heat is killing my sleeping schedule so I am hungry so often. The bonus is that I am learning new things all the time. My ability to eat like I used to is not the same. It’s amazing how quickly I get full. Does not mean I stop eating, but I am mindful enough to notice.
My sense of denial is strong and yet at the same time, I am completely aware of the denial. I just don’t care enough to change it. How do I get myself to care about me again?
The mosquitos have banished me to the indoors again. Which sucks. I have a garden that needs tending. I also have an arse covered in mosquito bites. Yep – I seem to spray everywhere else, but obviously my arse is so large I miss sections. Damn mosquitos. And I got to say the ones on my face are not appreciated at all. I got so many bites yesterday that I had to take a Reactine to reduce the swelling. I hate being allergic to insect stings.
A funny thought is the fact that I have become quite comfortable with Vancouver. Oh I’m not moving there, but I have learned where so many things are, where to eat, where to shop, how to get around. I am quite impressed with myself. I also seem to meet very interesting guys in Vancouver – not that it leads anywhere other than conversation, but men love to talk to me. In Vancouver. It’s a good thing I am learning the city – it seems I might be spending more work time there. That’s fine until the weather turns. And don’t ever put me in Vancouver when it snows. I cannot handle that at all.
D&D has successfully ended. It took six years, but a wonderful conclusion happened. Sure it was rushed, but at least it happened. Right now we are taking a break. I personally just need time to step away and let things go (I know - a running theme). My character got her fairy tale ending – after saving the world, there is a wedding to a wonderful supportive husband with the knowledge of a couple children and beautiful house. There is a calm happy feeling on her face and there is love. Others got their wishes – a girlfriend, a new evil team, their world brought back to reality, and a chance to start a new adventure. The story only cost us several deaths of party members (including an NPC I grew to care about), the loss of innocence, and, outside of game, a couple friendships. Sighhhh…
Anyway, sleep is now calling so I will sign off. Until later.
Deaths of friends, friend’s family members, celebrities I grew up on: you want me to support you because you are finding things hard? I can do that. Let’s talk or just sit and be quiet or be angry or laugh with tears in our eyes. Deal with my own feelings? I don’t know if I can do that. There are times when I am self-aware and all I can tell you now is that I am living the dream in denial. The most shocking was the friend at work. We just talked with him on Friday – had a good laugh over the boredom of being in regional meetings when your region is last on the list. Then Monday we find out he passed away Saturday morning. I just can’t quite wrap my head around it.
Depression: it seems to be something so many people are dealing with. Again, want me to support you? I am there. I listen well, I can offer advice if you want me to, I can remind you why you are a good person, or I can distract you with other things. Having a bad day – I may even out of the blue just feel like sending you a message to tell you how I love you. Know how to deal with my own feelings? Nope. I both want someone to acknowledge me and want to be left alone. I hate to be a burden on others and yet when others need me I don’t feel like they are burdening me. What’s up with that?
Work: Arghhhh! That’s what I have to say. I love my job sometimes – I help people and I truly care, but sometimes, I want people to leave me alone to do all the work I said I would do. I am feeling overwhelmed and like I can’t get stuff done and yet at the end of the day, I am questioning what I did accomplish. I haven’t been taking breaks. I am not taking care of myself and I can feel it. I am so lonely in some aspects at work (no one in my direct unit work here so I feel left out of so much), but then again, I value the quiet to get things done. My colleague who did work in my unit has left for greener pastures, which has left me to pull up the slack. I am trying to let things go. It’s hard. But I also am the main person everyone else comes to.
Life: Same as work. Why am I being such a martyr? Why am I not putting myself at the top of my priority list? I feel like my house is a mess (a reflection on myself) and while I do little things here and there, I just can’t seem to get ahead. What do I do to relax? I don’t know. I am even having trouble sitting watching a TV show. I get bored. I want to do something. Get me on the computer and I play stupid games after reading all my comics and blogs. I don’t want to write; I don’t want to clean my emails.
But goodness have I been shopping. I don’t know why. It’s not always for me either. I am 50% done my Christmas shopping already. D has a wonderful new wardrobe. I have a bunch of new clothes. I am finding sales like you wouldn’t believe. It’s not making me happy.
The heat is killing my sleeping schedule so I am hungry so often. The bonus is that I am learning new things all the time. My ability to eat like I used to is not the same. It’s amazing how quickly I get full. Does not mean I stop eating, but I am mindful enough to notice.
My sense of denial is strong and yet at the same time, I am completely aware of the denial. I just don’t care enough to change it. How do I get myself to care about me again?
The mosquitos have banished me to the indoors again. Which sucks. I have a garden that needs tending. I also have an arse covered in mosquito bites. Yep – I seem to spray everywhere else, but obviously my arse is so large I miss sections. Damn mosquitos. And I got to say the ones on my face are not appreciated at all. I got so many bites yesterday that I had to take a Reactine to reduce the swelling. I hate being allergic to insect stings.
A funny thought is the fact that I have become quite comfortable with Vancouver. Oh I’m not moving there, but I have learned where so many things are, where to eat, where to shop, how to get around. I am quite impressed with myself. I also seem to meet very interesting guys in Vancouver – not that it leads anywhere other than conversation, but men love to talk to me. In Vancouver. It’s a good thing I am learning the city – it seems I might be spending more work time there. That’s fine until the weather turns. And don’t ever put me in Vancouver when it snows. I cannot handle that at all.
D&D has successfully ended. It took six years, but a wonderful conclusion happened. Sure it was rushed, but at least it happened. Right now we are taking a break. I personally just need time to step away and let things go (I know - a running theme). My character got her fairy tale ending – after saving the world, there is a wedding to a wonderful supportive husband with the knowledge of a couple children and beautiful house. There is a calm happy feeling on her face and there is love. Others got their wishes – a girlfriend, a new evil team, their world brought back to reality, and a chance to start a new adventure. The story only cost us several deaths of party members (including an NPC I grew to care about), the loss of innocence, and, outside of game, a couple friendships. Sighhhh…
Anyway, sleep is now calling so I will sign off. Until later.
posted by Taryn at 10:07 pm
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