Being upset is a side-effect of giving a crap.

It’s been a tough little while. So much negativity is going on and part of me just wants to crawl under the covers and refuse to come out until the universe makes things fun and happy again.

Deaths of friends, friend’s family members, celebrities I grew up on: you want me to support you because you are finding things hard? I can do that. Let’s talk or just sit and be quiet or be angry or laugh with tears in our eyes. Deal with my own feelings? I don’t know if I can do that. There are times when I am self-aware and all I can tell you now is that I am living the dream in denial. The most shocking was the friend at work. We just talked with him on Friday – had a good laugh over the boredom of being in regional meetings when your region is last on the list. Then Monday we find out he passed away Saturday morning. I just can’t quite wrap my head around it.

Depression: it seems to be something so many people are dealing with. Again, want me to support you? I am there. I listen well, I can offer advice if you want me to, I can remind you why you are a good person, or I can distract you with other things. Having a bad day – I may even out of the blue just feel like sending you a message to tell you how I love you. Know how to deal with my own feelings? Nope. I both want someone to acknowledge me and want to be left alone. I hate to be a burden on others and yet when others need me I don’t feel like they are burdening me. What’s up with that?

Work: Arghhhh! That’s what I have to say. I love my job sometimes – I help people and I truly care, but sometimes, I want people to leave me alone to do all the work I said I would do. I am feeling overwhelmed and like I can’t get stuff done and yet at the end of the day, I am questioning what I did accomplish. I haven’t been taking breaks. I am not taking care of myself and I can feel it. I am so lonely in some aspects at work (no one in my direct unit work here so I feel left out of so much), but then again, I value the quiet to get things done. My colleague who did work in my unit has left for greener pastures, which has left me to pull up the slack. I am trying to let things go. It’s hard. But I also am the main person everyone else comes to.

Life: Same as work. Why am I being such a martyr? Why am I not putting myself at the top of my priority list? I feel like my house is a mess (a reflection on myself) and while I do little things here and there, I just can’t seem to get ahead. What do I do to relax? I don’t know. I am even having trouble sitting watching a TV show. I get bored. I want to do something. Get me on the computer and I play stupid games after reading all my comics and blogs. I don’t want to write; I don’t want to clean my emails.

But goodness have I been shopping. I don’t know why. It’s not always for me either. I am 50% done my Christmas shopping already. D has a wonderful new wardrobe. I have a bunch of new clothes. I am finding sales like you wouldn’t believe. It’s not making me happy.

The heat is killing my sleeping schedule so I am hungry so often. The bonus is that I am learning new things all the time. My ability to eat like I used to is not the same. It’s amazing how quickly I get full. Does not mean I stop eating, but I am mindful enough to notice.

My sense of denial is strong and yet at the same time, I am completely aware of the denial. I just don’t care enough to change it. How do I get myself to care about me again?

The mosquitos have banished me to the indoors again. Which sucks. I have a garden that needs tending. I also have an arse covered in mosquito bites. Yep – I seem to spray everywhere else, but obviously my arse is so large I miss sections. Damn mosquitos. And I got to say the ones on my face are not appreciated at all. I got so many bites yesterday that I had to take a Reactine to reduce the swelling. I hate being allergic to insect stings.

A funny thought is the fact that I have become quite comfortable with Vancouver. Oh I’m not moving there, but I have learned where so many things are, where to eat, where to shop, how to get around. I am quite impressed with myself. I also seem to meet very interesting guys in Vancouver – not that it leads anywhere other than conversation, but men love to talk to me. In Vancouver. It’s a good thing I am learning the city – it seems I might be spending more work time there. That’s fine until the weather turns. And don’t ever put me in Vancouver when it snows. I cannot handle that at all.

D&D has successfully ended. It took six years, but a wonderful conclusion happened. Sure it was rushed, but at least it happened. Right now we are taking a break. I personally just need time to step away and let things go (I know - a running theme). My character got her fairy tale ending – after saving the world, there is a wedding to a wonderful supportive husband with the knowledge of a couple children and beautiful house. There is a calm happy feeling on her face and there is love. Others got their wishes – a girlfriend, a new evil team, their world brought back to reality, and a chance to start a new adventure. The story only cost us several deaths of party members (including an NPC I grew to care about), the loss of innocence, and, outside of game, a couple friendships. Sighhhh…

Anyway, sleep is now calling so I will sign off. Until later.

Some people find fault like there’s a reward for it.

Ahhh, Aunty Acid how you make me smile. My head has been full lately of various thoughts. I have been trying to organize it into entries, but instead this may just be verbal diarrhea.

So many people around me are feeling stressed. This is where my empathy sometimes gets the better of me. Today I came to work feeling stressed but I couldn’t think what was causing me stress. Of course, work proved to be a minefield of stress. So many people bowing out of training that it was starting to be hard not to take it personally. I know it’s not, but alas, lasting effects of the doubt of my character. So I am now the lead for one training course; the lead facilitator, but not the official lead for another. Add in the working groups I am on, my regular job and of course, the fact that I am back-up for another section. When am I supposed to have time to take the training I need to take, to take breaks, to clean out emails and my personal drive, etc. So I know there is stress in my life, but I am trying not to let it stress me out, so to speak. I am taking walks, exercising, trying to eat right, and do things that lessen my tension. I have my monthly-ish massages. Unfortunately yoga is done for summer, but I am incorporating the moves into my daily life. I think part of me though is also feeling the stress for my friends. I want to help them and have to bite my tongue after offering to help. I can’t help if they don’t want it and I don’t want to impose.

But I know so much stress is in my life. I am feeling that need to hang out with people, but I am finding that I want to hear all about their lives and it is taking me a few hours before I am starting to talk and open up and by that time, it’s time to go. And then it feels like there is so much do around the house. I was going to go out today and couldn’t come up with anywhere to go. While this is great because it meant I didn’t spend any money, it also meant I spent 4 hours in the sun weeding and then mowing and it feels so unfair when D comes home and gets to just relax all night. I know, I know – I should lower my standards. You should see my house – especially my office. Oh my, I can always tell how stressed how I am by my kitchen and my office. My kitchen has a week’s worth of non-dishwasher safe dishes to wash and my office looks like an explosion. And that 4 hours spent outside, I did only did a 6 square feet section of weeding. There is so much more to do – when will I get my office clean? I know – here I am writing an entry when I could be cleaning. But I am sore. My shoulder is giving me grief from my massage yesterday, my wrist is giving me grief about weeding, and my sciatic – ow! Me feeling whiny!

I have been cleaning other sections of the house and I have actually been quite ruthless lately. Hopefully, it will not rain on Wednesday so I can put out the large pile of stuff from the shed. There’s a lot of cardboard and such and I don’t want to be mean to the garbage/recycling collectors and leave them wet cardboard to lift. Next is to clean the garage, which I already found a bunch of stuff to take to the eco-station. I feel like the office at home is like my emails at work. I will do just about anything to not have to clean it.

It’s funny – last entry I mentioned that the more overwhelmed I feel, the less I reach out. It is so true. When I really should be reaching out, I tend not to. I don’t want to burden others. I don’t want to dwell on things that happened despite the fact that they are still affecting me. I am trying to be positive and I want to focus on that, but goodness, it takes me a bit to find something positive to talk about.

I haven’t had a chance to talk about Calgary’s Comic Expo yet. Oh my, it was so fun. A whirlwind trip again – driving out that morning, spending the day there, and then driving back. It was bit frustrating because we kept running into an ex-friend of ours; add in one of the people they were with ignored us and when I finally saw the other, we shared a friendly smile (though I am sure mine was tempered with sadness that we can no longer be friends). Other than that, we visited our favorite artists, who all remembered us. The guys at Blind Ferret totally accepted our challenge for new merchandise for the Edmonton show (after we bought several items). I had some laughs with Jen from The Devil’s Panties as I stocked up on the latest stuff. Then over to a great long conversation with Paragon Jewelry (seriously, we really should spend more time with these two – I adore them!) and of course, picked up some new art from DPI studios where the artist knew I had picked up stuff before and we talked about what I had and where I hung it. Unfortunately I need one more frame so I can hang the latest works. Then we had a fantastic conversation with two ladies about the expo, life, and the books one of them wrote. We stopped and talked to them at the beginning and then we came back at the end. They were so much to talk with. There were so many others we spoke with and honestly we had quite a bit of fun. The only other not so good thing was that to get to the big panels you had to line up outside; which we found out after walking around the main hall a couple times trying to find the entrance to it because we really needed to sit. So unfortunately, due to that scenario, we did not take in any of the panels and by 5 we were on our way home, several dollars lighter, feet killing us, but in a good mood. Maybe they will fix this issue next year and we can stay a bit longer… I was kind of looking forward to seeing the Improv with Cards of Humanity, but alas with no interesting place to sit for a couple hours until it started, we weren’t staying.

I was so excited this past Monday. On the 17th I planted all my gardens and by this past Monday, I had radishes and peas starting to grow. It was so exciting to see green in the gardens already. And my rainbow swiss chard has survived the heat wave – it was looking a bit dicey for a while, but it seems to have recovered. My two tomato plants are doing well (I didn’t bother planting these from seed this year). It is nice to see the gardens and I can’t wait to enjoy the fruits of my labours.

The latest on d&d – despite our discussion at the start of the year to buckle down and finish the game, we have not played for about two months. As a result, our game master has now decided we will finish the storyline in two games, essentially telling the story without us really doing each scene. I totally get why he is doing this. We haven’t played for almost two months and we can’t play next until the end of June. I do understand why we have not been able to play for some of the games, but others… yeah, not so much. So the question comes what do we do after this? Do we reconsider who we are playing with? Do we just stop? People are at different points in their lives and have different priorities. I get that; I am just frustrated. I have been trying to figure things out in my head on what my character would do next and I had a plan. I guess I will just let the game master know and he can work it into the story.

I bought Just the Hits 2014 – oh my. I absolutely love the first four songs and the next five are great. Song number ten was the first one I didn’t recognize it and the next two were not really known by me either, but the rest are all enjoyed. I totally recommend this album.

I have been really feeling the urge to get out and dance today. I sing along with my computer as well as in my head while I was weeding, so the need to sing has been satisfied. But I am feeling the need to move. Unfortunately, I hurt too much to do that today. Sighhhh…

Anyway, I have been trying to write this entry for a while now. While there is much more I want to/should talk about, I think the exhaustion of being out in the sun for four hours is hitting me. I am tired and so I am going to go to bed.

As I leave, I want to share this prose that I found today. It is so wonderfully written that I think I am going to print it and post it somewhere.

Aaron Paquette, a First Nations Metis artist, author and speaker, wrote this in April of 2012:

Sometimes we are on the verge of blossoming into a thousand flowers.

But we don't.

We are waiting. We are thinking, “Maybe tomorrow. I'm quite busy right now doing the same unsatisfying things I have been doing for years. Yep, pretty busy."

Or maybe we are afraid of what will happen if we open up. We are afraid to leave a bad situation because we've forgotten what a good one even looks like for us.

We've gotten so used to a life surrounded by unhappiness that we've convinced ourselves it's normal. After all, everyone else's life looks like this, too.

Somewhere along the way we stopped believing in our own strength and beauty. We think we've lost it, or maybe it was never really there.

And worst of all, we've let someone else define who we are for us. We've lost who we are so we'll believe whatever anyone else tells us, even if it makes us smaller...angrier.

There are not enough voices telling us the truth. There are not enough voices to get through the mist that has gathered around our belief in ourselves.

Right now, let me be that voice.

Right now, let me tell you:

You are Strong.

You are Beautiful.

You are Capable.

You are Worthy.

You have made mistakes. You have lashed out. You have hidden your dreams, your light, and your power. These things are true. These are things you have done. They are not you.

You are your dreams.

You are your light.

You are your power.

You are a miracle waiting to happen. You are a blessing waiting to be bestowed. You are an example of truth waiting to be spoken.

You are a thousand blossoms waiting to explode into colour, fragrance, delight and joy.

Don't let anyone hold you back.

Yes, you have been buried. Like all good seeds.

It's time to live.

It's time to open to the world, to the sun and to yourself.

You are on the verge

Of something

Astounding

Bloom

Who knew? When someone yells at you to get a grip, apparently ‘around their neck’ is now what they meant.

Teehee – loving my Aunty Acid daily calendar. Yes, after several years of Happy Bunny, I have found a new sarcasm loving calendar. She makes me laugh and titter, saying so many things I have thought and said. Teehee.

I have not been sleeping well lately again. I don’t know if it is all the thoughts running through my head, stress, or what. Thankfully, I had Friday and then today off, so it’s been a decent few days off. Unfortunately, I am exhausted and I think I hurt myself doing my Zumba on Saturday.

One thing I realized is that while I try to really focusing on being more positive in so many aspects of my life, I am still working on not being as negative while gaming. I’m getting better, but I need time to process and with gaming, you just don’t get that. In life, you can often take a few moments to step away (physically or mentally) and just wrap your head around things and find something less negative about it. I find those moments to be less in gaming – which seems weird and yet because of the nature of gaming, it’s quite intense and often it’s one thing after another after another. Now add in other details like we have been playing this game for the last almost 6 years. And I don’t mean d&d; I have been playing that for longer. But this chronicle and this character I have been playing for almost 6 years. I get quite invested in my characters anyway. I have a back story that I have maintained. I have a vision of what I want my future to be. This is what drives my character to do the sometimes crazy shit she does. Let’s be honest – anyone who plays d&d or similar games needs a reason to keep going when not only the going gets tough, but when there is no logical reason that you would continue. Now take into consideration that this character has been going for almost 6 years. This character has been involved in so much and gone through so much, including what has gone on in my real life.

Also add in that I play this game in theory to de-stress and be more than I am in real life. I mentioned last time that do I read the books I do because of my life or is my life like it is because of the books I read. Many of the series I am reading are grand chronicles spanning several books. Part of what keeps me reading them is they find the moments of happiness, positivity, and passion in amongst the trials and wars and terror that surrounds them. And I guess part of that is why I game. I also want those moments amongst all the fighting. Our current game master has wonderful story skills, but I guess to some extent, we haven’t had those moments in the game lately. It’s just been one fight after another; one step forward, two steps back; it’s been a struggle to keep moving ahead when we are not getting those moments to remind you why you keep doing what you do. I hope he realizes that the person he brought in last night does help. And not just in the fact that we lost one character and so need another one, but also in that it kind of brings the personal part of the story in. Part of the brain knows that we have back story and people we have left behind, including a stupid trial. We have the people in our team that we want to protect. But when it’s fight after tough fight after oh my goodness how will we survive fight in the most despair-inducing location, sometimes you need that extra kick to remind you why. And bringing in Bethany (our house manager), it gives that extra kick. For my character, yes, I am slightly in shock and awe, but it’s also that ‘oh yeah, there are people out there who know us for the good that we do, who believe in us, who trust us to do our best.’

Now I am not saying this is going to negate all my negativity. I did mention this is the most despair-inducing location. Even the ‘gloves, cloaks, masks’ location had several moments for my character to find positive moments. It is part of the atmosphere of the chronicle that this place is heavily tainted with evil and that is despair inducing. It’s also an almost six year campaign. People go through similar levels of battles within their own lives and it’s exhausting and mentally grueling and it tests the resolve of even the most faithful. Now imagine that your de-stressing activity also is a battle. Imagine that characters have died, other have betrayed, and so often you go into fights knowing you are the underdog and not knowing whether you can actually live through it, let alone win. When I get this feeling when I am reading my series, I stop and pick up something mindless, some contemporary romance that is silly and quick and formulaic. But if we stop this campaign, we won’t go back. If by some remote chance we do, it won’t be the same. It is funny – the Adam Lambert song I am listening to just felt apropos…

Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around

Anyway, all that being said, I want to finish the chronicle. I want it to end like all of my books do… the heroes win in the end – good triumphs over evil. Yes, there are going to be consequences and deaths, but there are two original main characters in the chronicle and honest to goodness, these two need to survive to the end. Really, the characters we currently have in the team need to survive to the end. The two elves need to see their city restored. The pixie needs to take all she has learned and use it to find a place in the world that she belongs and is accepted. I want Nerv to go back and show her father that she is confident of her place on the side of good and that all he has done has not destroyed her. And I want my character to be able to shove it in evil’s face that she can have the happy ending it promised without joining or becoming evil.

And those are my thoughts about gaming. I wish they were the only thoughts going through my head. I am feeling very stressed again. I know part of that is that work is just crazy right now. So many people want so much to be done and there are only so many hours in a day and so many people to help. I am supposed to be testing a system that goes live in 4 weeks. I am supposed to be updating the website to a new look and style. I am responsible for responding to enquiries and doing research and providing feedback on hot topics and potential problems. I think most of us updating the website agree that January was a much better month to do this. And the testing – well, life has been against that as it go delayed, we started, many problems were found and it was stopped, and then by the time it started again, I was off. Will I have time for the rest of the week? I don’t know and I won’t until I get back to work.

And then I want to spend time and energy with friends. It’s not quite the time of year that I can just vamoose around on my own to visit people. I feel like my house is a mess and I really should be starting my spring cleaning. D has plans most weekends, which limits my activities. I am feeling the need to de-stress and relax and I am just not feeling like I am getting that. I feel like I spend so much time alone and yet, why do I not feel relaxed. Why am I also go, go, go and yet what am I doing? And I can’t say that I waste it in front of the TV. We were discussing after game yesterday about how there is all of this TV on our PVRs, but we don’t have time to watch it. We all would rather be doing things.

I want to know how P is doing with his family. I want to know how L’s back is doing and her delightful daughter is growing like a weed. I want to know how K’s medical problems are. I want to know how J’s house is coming along. I want to know how F is doing and whether he is ready to go back to work full-time. I want to know how my niece is doing. I want to see pics of K’s trip. I want to know how S is doing with her parents away. I want to help A find a center place. I usually have time at work to catch up with some people, but lately I just feel so overwhelmed. Which is probably part of why I struggling with my weight again and feeling more negative and less able to deal with negative situations. It’s also weird how the more overwhelmed I feel, the less I reach out. I just want to do something and forget about it all for a while. Perhaps I should get off of this then and go write some emails.

Naughty things come in small packages…

How very true that statement is, especially when considering Taste of Edmonton! Teehee. I know, it’s too late for the reviews to be any use, but if you worked with me, you could see this review updated as I tried foods each and every workday lunch. So what did I try and how did I find it?

Smoked Mac and cheese with Boar bacon – 4.5 stars (OMG – this was sooo good – fabulous food to start with)
Vegetable Tempura – 4 stars (this is always good, but found the large was only an extra piece or two)
Donair Poutine – 4 stars (this was really good – the gravy was so tasty)
Mini mac melt – 4.5 stars (mac and cheese in a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon – how could this ever be wrong?)
Banana Bread Pudding with caramel sauce, whipped cream, and bruléed banana – 5 stars (wow – all around perfect goodness)
Wild Mushroom bisque – 5 stars (this soup was tasty and a good size!)
Mac scone with whipped cream – 3 stars (I love the scone, but please stop putting strawberries in the compote – it tastes better with the compote)
Beef lemongrass skewer – 3.5 stars (this was good and a lot of meat)
Jerk Chicken – 3 stars (It was good, just not spicy/jerky enough for me)
Dry Spicy Chicken – 3.5 stars (always good, have yet to really find it spicy, but a definite staple)
Mushroom cream sausage rotini – 3.5 stars (this was completely fresh – I watched him make it – and good, but needed some extra umph)
Cinnamon naan – 4.5 stars (the large was huge, but ohhhh so tasty!)
Chicken tikka and garlic naan – 4 stars (always a favorite of mine, but the size seemed smaller this year despite getting a large)
Bison cannelloni – 4 stars (tasty, great mushroom cream sauce)
Chicken and waffles – 4.5 stars (was expecting fried chicken, but got a healthy almost tandoori spice chicken which was surprising and very good – waffles was so sweet and the maple syrup over top was fascinating)
Limone sorbetto – 5 stars (totally what I wanted, perfect bite and freshness)

Aside from that, so much has been going on that it has been a mix of utter craziness and despair/boredom.

For work, I spent several days in Ottawa. On the last day we hiked over to Gatineau (so I can now say I have been as far east as Quebec in Canada). Ottawa is a beautiful city (well, downtown is) with the canal, all the green spaces, and the mix of old and new buildings. A coworker and I spent some time together getting to know each other, which is great since we will be doing training together in the future. Ottawa is also nice because I felt I could walk around by myself alone and not feel fearful. And boy did we walk. The first day I did the least amount of steps at 15,000 and the highest day was 27,000 steps. It was a half hour walk just to the meeting room and then we walked at lunch and then in the evening there was more walking. That is the nice aspect of Ottawa downtown, there is lots to do. I had a Beaver Tail (num!), but was disappointed with the poutine (it was okay, but the gravy wasn’t fabulous). I brought home some maple butter (oh my – if you have not had this yet, I highly encourage it!). My main complaint about Ottawa (besides the airport not having enough food places) is the humidity. There is no glistening in Ottawa; there is dampness and drips and puddles. I could not believe how moist one could feel when it was not raining. Blech.

Other than that, work has been crazy. I need to get more detached. I value right and wrong too highly and when others decide to follow a path that is so evidently wrong, unfair, etc. I get far too invested. I need to take that step back and let things go. Let the bigger bosses make their decisions and just cya myself. Once I have let them know where the considerations and potential consequences lie, then I need to go on to something new.

At home, the renovations have started again. As usual, the more you peel back, the more you find. I cannot believe all we have found thus far. My allergies are a mess, the basement seems to be a mud pit, but supposedly is solid, and thank goodness there seems to be no major foundation cracks. Demolition is done and we are awaiting a bit more info before the rest gets really started. So far, we had to call in a structural engineer for advice. We’ll see how the next steps go. I think once this gets done, there will be a lot more work we will need to do as a consequence of what is going on now. It is frustrating, stressful, and a relief all at the same time.

Psychologically, it is interesting how people handle the same situation so differently. D is reaching out and is so busy getting involved, while I am at home, trying not to impose on people. I need a girls’ night or something. I need some friends and conversation, some gossip and info sharing, and some laughter and tears. I need to feel again; not lonely or bored, but appreciated and included. I wish I could be doing some of my hobbies, but with the renovations, everything is so messed up – stuff is in boxes, packed and stacked and space is at a premium. I am catching up on True Blood – I can’t believe I was 3 seasons behind. I just finished last season, so I can starting watching Season 6. And it has been interesting. I am becoming one of those people who like watching the season in full. I still like the drama of having to wait a week, but it is nice watching a show like this back to back. So many more shows to do that with. I cannot believe how full my PVR is. Sighhhh… I honestly wonder if I will ever catch up, or even I should. I should just delete some things and get that over with, but that is so hard to me. I want to watch them, but I don’t want to waste my time in front of the TV. Such an endlessly annoying cycle.

I cannot believe how depressed I have been. I was busy for several weeks trying to pack up the basement and that kept me active. But now renovations have started and there is nothing for me to do, other than chores. My garden has exploded. What a difference a week makes. I spent 3 hours picking raspberries, peas, beans, and weeds. There is more weeding and picking to do, but I don’t want to. My house is as clean as it gets with renovations. I don’t feel like exercising, though I know I should. I don’t want to go shopping as there aren’t really funds to do that. My eating has been horrendous lately. I have been reading non-fiction books, which doesn’t really help my mood. And I have been spending a lot of time alone. I like being alone – it recharges me, but when you spend evening after evening, followed by weekends alone, it gets depressing. You start thinking and wondering and wishing and missing. And then when I do get out, I don’t want to talk about how depressed I am or how lonely my life is, so I either talk inanely or just listen.

I did devour the latest Laurell K Hamilton book, Affliction. God I love this author. I love her books, the world she writes in, her characters. I loved this line and thought it depicted some of my thinking in the d&d world lately:

“We hunt and kill things. When it comes to a stand-up fight like it did yesterday, we are soldiers first, cops second, because even if we negotiate with the bad guys, they know, and we know, that we are going to kill them. “

I think this very true of some heroes. We aren’t there to enforce the law; to some extent, we act like the law. We are helping take out evil, but sometimes, you have to negotiate with evil to get to the next point. It doesn’t make you evil because the negotiating is done with both parties knowing that someday, negotiating won’t work and death will be the only end. But today is not that day and so negotiating happens.

I saw that I am over 6000 visitors – whoot! That means somewhere out there, someone is reading about my life. Thank you. I do appreciate it.

Anyway, I should get on to some other chores. Have a couple bills to pay and prep for work tomorrow and make supper and maybe pick some weeds out front.

2012: Memory Lane

Following my tradition, it is that time of year to review the last year and ponder all that has occurred – the highs, the lows, and all the rest.

The year started on a note that hindsight shows as being very indicative of the year. It was a mix of conversing with some interesting people and being utterly disappointed by someone’s reaction. It was intriguing because my disappointment ran so deep and it really affected how I saw this person and acted around them. Add in the fact that I was already feeling like I was putting myself and my desires on the back burner due to the perceptions of other people and I really started the year with a need to be my authentic self.

Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it.

Aside from that, I was on a high – I had done really well with losing weight and continued to into February. Then the pcn group’s fatal flaw came evident. They are truly big believers that if you have lost 10% of your body weight that you are pretty much done; it will be impossible for you lose any more weight. This thinking derailed me. Despite the fact that my dietician and exercise specialist were extremely complimentary on all the work I had done, they honestly did not believe I would lose anymore, despite my proof in the first two months to do just that. I took this theory to heart and lost my motivation, my good habits, and my belief in myself. On this front, it has been a year of struggle. I have fought myself, my body, my beliefs, the pcn’s vision and so much more. With everything that has happened, I have only gained 4 pounds when compared to a year ago. And this I have to be proud of. Considering all that has happened, I think this is evidence that I can do it and I can do more; this is proof that many of the lifestyle changes I have made have taken root and I have optimism and a bit of motivation again. While this may not impress the pcn group, it means a lot to me.

Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be.

February did have a good note – we welcomed a beautiful new niece in the family. She has been a joy to watch grow and learn. I fulfilled my promise of providing a library for her and have since moved into the toy section. So many new toys to see and play with! I look forward to more good times with her and teaching her how cool her aunt is while still being wrapped around her darling little finger… teehee.

Thank you for bringing a spot of brightness into my life.

The next few months were crazy. Between planning a visit to the Calgary Expo and our trip to Scotland and of course life, it was chaotic. The Calgary Expo was fantastic. Our first visit to the Expo and our main reason for going was James Marsters was doing a concert. Though we planned to go with friends, we ended up doing most of it by ourselves; we visited so many artists, including Looking For Group, saw several panels, re-learned how cool Wil Wheaton is and got insights into Fringe. James’ concert was fabulous. We met great people, learned new cool stuff, and despite the chaos of the Expo, we really enjoyed ourselves.

Do not give up – the beginning is always the hardest.

D and I were silly and did most of the planning for the Scotland trip ourselves. Not easy to do – with the time difference, the lack of long distance calling we have at home, and never having been there – it is a testament that we made it. One of the interesting facets of planning was learning how different D and I are for travel. I am very linear, organized, and well planned at home. D knows I have it all planned, doesn’t really care, and goes with the flow. We are complete opposites when we travel. I am all about spontaneity, going with how we feel at the time, and just being in the moment. D wants to know where we are sleeping every night and while plans don’t need to be rigid, they should be fairly detailed. Fascinating – frustrating – stressful.

Wishing you the treasure of happy yesterdays and the gift of bright tomorrows.

But let me say – the trip was amazing. We enjoyed ourselves. We conversed with interesting people and saw history and experienced a different way of life. We haven’t really travelled together and so were very unsure of how it would go. We hardly argued, but on the rare occasion when we did, we could easily contribute it to being tired and/or hungry. So as long as one or both of us recognized that the other was getting a little bitchy, we could head off any problems by recommending a rest and/or food. And the food – oh my – we were told to keep our expectations low on the food, but my mouth still salivates at the thought of some our meals. The fish was so fresh, the steaks were so tender, and breakfasts so filling. And the people – from the time we landed until we left, the people were fantastic and fascinating and open. There are always a few ‘drive you nuts’ kind of people around, but for the most part, they were so friendly and took us under their wing. We came back from that trip energized, feeling inspired, and feeling like we were the best we had ever been. It was a wonderful trip and I long to do another.

My world is a little brighter because you are in it.

And then we came home and it was… hell. Though we had been gone only 3 weeks, it felt a lifetime. Stuff happened while we were gone that we had to deal with. It seems like we had to reacquaint ourselves with our friends. We were stressed and yet still energized from the trip. There so many things happening – I did some modeling, we had some friends get married – but at the same time, it was so quiet. It felt like something was wrong, but no one knew what. You ever have that feeling that something is happening behind the scenes and you don’t know what? We tried really hard to reconnect with friends and some were easier than others. We attended a variety of functions and enjoyed our friends when we saw them. There was a lot of drama going on in other people’s lives and so when something feels wrong, I assume it has to do with something they are going through. I let them know I am there if they need me, but I don’t generally push. Accepting who people are has been a goal of mine and I like to think I am open.

Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.

There was a humidity problem in the house and I spent some time trying to determine its cause and solution. I have confirmed there is a big reno is the future, that does not include the roof yet. There were some car issues due to the fact that the cars are getting older. Some research was done into getting a new car (with heated seats – yay!), but we need the reno done first. September and October were crazy with parties and D was out of the city for over a week for play and then business. Then I had holidays and it was different kind of holidays – there were still the regular annual appointments, but there seemed to be more time to chill and do other stuff. And then of course co-planning for the Halloween party, which I think was a fabulous success. It was great fun, lots of activities, great conversations and I didn’t get to bed until after 4 in the morning.

Good communication is stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after. Anne Morrow Lindbergh

So many things came to a culmination in the last couple months – both good and not so good. Part of the stress of this year has been due to gaming – my group plays generally every second week though it has seemed to be more every third week and we are going into the second/third/fourth year of a storyline. Honestly, it has been going on so long, I don’t know how long it has been going on. This year has been building – we know we are nearing the end, but it also feels like we have no time to regroup, to generate energy, recover, however you want to describe it. It feels like the gm has just thrown so much on us and I know I have felt overwhelmed. And some of it is tough situations – like dealing with someone who has been incestuously abused, being framed as the bad guy while you are working your ass off to save the world and you can’t tell anyone, having everything you’ve done and say be misconstrued by the other players as well as npcs. You don’t want quit because you want to finish, you know you are the hero and you just want to do what needs to be done, you have an end goal in mind. At the same time, it is mentally and emotionally draining. I found myself often exhausted after the games and for days afterwards - not being able sleep, dreaming about what to do, conversation to have. Two members of the group have left. Part of it I think is related the game and part of it to things in their lives, but I don’t know the entire story. I was tempted to quit the game myself and just write the ending as I wanted it here and let it go. I wish we could have just finished it with the full team, but alas, that is life. So we are bringing two new people in so we can finish the story. I don’t know how this will affect the outcome or if it will bring new energy into the group so we do not feel overwhelmed and maybe feel like we can do what we need to do. We’ll see how things go.

If you care too much about what other people think, you will always be… their prisoner.

I had a milestone birthday this year. I normally don’t celebrate my birthday because I don’t have lot of positivity around my birthday. There often seems to be drama and either my birthday gets ignored or it is just not a good time. I decided this year though I wanted to celebrate. I wanted a party with some of my closest friends. Due to things that happened, it took me a long time to decide who to invite. It was probably one of the most stressful things I had to do. We didn’t do really anything special on the day – I made my favorite supper and we watched our favorite shows. But as history has shown, the day can’t be all happy – one of my presents was an email from a supposed friend who had decided they no longer wanted to be my friend. I had reached out a couple days earlier because something seemed wrong and I was truly disappointed with the reaction I got. I was initially very hurt and angry, but I had a party coming up on Saturday that I was determined to enjoy. So I put myself in denial and didn’t reread it or do anything about it for a few days. The day of the party, I had popped online to ensure there were no cancellations for the party and there was an email from that supposed friend’s partner that implied that the situation was open for discussion. At the time, I wrote back saying I appreciated the understanding and words, but due to my birthday, I hadn’t processed the situation yet and would get respond further once I had. The party was fantastic. It was small as is my preference as an introvert. The people were fabulous and I truly felt loved and accepted. There was no tension, just open conversation and fun.

It’s easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. William Blake

Once the party was done, I had to process what my supposed friend had written and I did write back the partner after I had some time to deal and say I was open to discussing what had happened. It’s interesting the emotions I went through - initially hurt and angry, to denial, to really very hurt, to acceptance, and then to angry. At this moment, I hover between all the emotions. I wasn’t sure if I was going to talk about this via this forum, but since this is my journal and it is a place for me to document my life and feelings, I needed to write something down. I won’t go into the details, even though this person said I can do with the information as I wish. I just feel… like there were ample opportunities for this person to share their thoughts/concerns with me in a more open, constructive, and caring manner and I truly feel that being a friend means you accept the other person for who they are as they do you and if you are having difficulties or concerns, then you talk about it and you give chances for change or understanding to happen. But that is my belief system and it’s not everyone’s. It saddens me that I am losing who I thought was a good friend and that due to their action, I feel like I don’t know who to trust now. I hate that it has made me pull back from some friends and not feel like I can share myself wholly. I hate that it makes me doubt myself and that it feels like this information comes from a place of spite, rather than friendship. I have a lot of questions and I know I will never know the whole story. However, my denial phase really helped me focus on the positive aspects on my life and my friends. And afterwards, I connected with several of my friends and heard a lot of positive things back. There was no catering, no hesitating to tell me what’s what. But it all came from a place of love, openness, and acceptance and for that, I am ever grateful to and for my friends.

There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy.

To everyone, I wish you a life full of acceptance, love, and openness. To all my friends, thank you for being you and cheers to a future full of promise and opportunity and a new year full of more fun, good times, cuddle piles, intimate conversations, opportunities to live, love and experience, new learning, good health, adventure, and great friends – new and old. Love you.

Everybody knows…

Happy Valentine’s weekend to those who celebrated.

The past week has been a fairly quiet one. Saturday I started sneezing and wouldn’t you know it I caught a cold. Not like I couldn’t see this coming. In fact, looking back, I am now thinking that I wasn’t necessarily having a sudden allergic reaction to my eye cream, but rather the pain and watering was just the first symptom of a horrid head cold. Being the person I am and suffering presenteeism, I dragged myself into work on Monday and did all the vital stuff and then crawled my way home early and into bed. Tuesday and Wednesday were spent at home. Thursday I dragged myself back to work, as I was feeling well enough that if I stayed home I would start doing chores. Heehee.

And why was I not surprised – as I have mentioned often, I have been under A LOT of stress these past several months. It always happens to me that once I come off a lot of stress, my immune system just craps out. Work has slowed down to the point where I am actually finding time to catch up with the little things. The renos that HAD to be done by the end of January are done and whatever we do now doesn’t count towards the possible rebates. My dad’s big b-day (for which my brother and I forgot we were planning a party until about two weeks prior) was the previous Saturday (the day I started sneezing). Things just suddenly were… calmer. And so I got sick.

Now I am feeling mostly better and I have adjusted my attitude some more, so we’ll see how things go. Now, I am just tired. And I have had the most vivid dreams… with some interesting storylines and on-going, like over a couple of nights. It was actually nice to have some vivid dreams. Means my mind is working again on creating stuff. And I am reading again voraciously. So many books to catch up on. Teehee.

Of course, now all of those stresses are calmer, I am starting to look around my house and seeing an endless list of projects that need finishing. Sighhhh. I finished the bathroom curtains (which I think look really good), but not the living room ones. We painted the bathroom wall, but not the shelves (though the paint is bought). My desk is a mess in the office, but my floor is mostly cleaned. I tidied the gift area today – it made a difference. I know so many don’t get it, but when areas of my house are clean and organized, my mood just gets better. My mind expands and I feel like I can do anything. There is so much more to do, but just doing an occasional area makes me feel so accomplished.

Work has been interesting. The boss seems to finally be making an effort to perhaps keep me in my current role. There have been no other jobs for me to apply for which sucks. Beyotch has… haha, left the building. She has been soooo scatterbrained the past few months. I know it has partly to do with her medical issues (which is why she is currently off), but there has to be more to what’s going on with her. She hasn’t mentioned her S.O. lately and I am wondering if she is having relationship issues. She wouldn’t be the only one. Other than that, I think we are all getting over our stresses and starting to get along again. I think it is a sign of developing friendships though that despite all the tensions, we still hang out and talk and work through things. At my old location, there would cat fights and claws out, etc. It is kinda nice not being in that environment.

V-day weekend was quite quiet for me. D chose to do the regularly scheduled second Saturday of the month activity, so during the day I watched some shows and did some chores. Then a nice candlelit dinner (which I cooked), a romantic comedy and more shows and then off to bed. Today, D works most of the afternoon and evening, so I watched some shows, did some chores and am now wasting some time catching up on the computer while listening to the compilation cd I made as the V-day gift. D got me a movie that I loved the first time I saw it (PS I Love You). I would be watching it, but I didn’t feeling like being veklempt tonight. Plus, I watched Mama’s Boy during supper and needed something mind numbing to wash that movie out of my head. Yikes!

So, anyone watching Dollhouse? While the pilot wasn’t the best, I think the show has promise. Of course, with Eliza and Josh, what else could you expect? I like how they set it up that her contract in the show is for 5 shows… hmmm, foreshadowing for the number of seasons they would like to do, I wonder…

Anyone watching Fringe? O M G!!! I love this show. Joshua Jackson is amazing as is John Noble. I am so enjoying it and what did they do this week? The show is off now until April?!?!?! What the?!?!

I am still addicted to the Biggest Loser – it is an interesting dynamic this season as they balance the game play with being humans with feelings.

And Ghost Whisperer… this season is so hard. With the change in Jim (I don’t want to give away the plot), sometimes you feel so much for the central character, Melinda. It makes you really wonder how she did things when her and Jim first started going out.

Yes, I am addicted to my TV shows. Well, it is winter and most of my friends tend to do as I do and hunker down for the season. I live vicariously through the TV until the weather gets better and then off I go.

In case you are wondering, I am still doing the 100-day exercise thing. Day 46 today. I am so impressed with how well I am doing. Yes, I even did them while I was sick. I missed day 24, which I had to make up the next day and nearly died (hard to do 49 of everything when you have only worked yourself up to 24), so no missing unless I am completely physically unable to do it.

Gaming has been going interestingly. It was almost a TPK. Two of the members were turned to stone, so two of us stayed behind while the other two went to get some magic to return them to flesh. I didn't want to stay behind, but the two who left, I couldn't see staying behind either. We really the two people we needed. So shortly after they left, Baulf and I got ambushed. And it was late and I, as the player, was tired and stupid and completely forgot I had healing that I could have done which might have only bought me another round, but I died (due to the other character being taken over by evil). I hate dying. I spend a lot of time creating backgrounds and motivations and such and to just die sucks! So we were going to play the next week and I told the Hat that I can't create a character in one week. I am hoping nobody took that as that I needed to be resurrected, but other said they weren't sure why they would continue with the game with the stats being as they were. I really just can't create a character in a week, especially with planning a b-day party and finishing renos, etc. Since I spend so much effort creating a background and personality, I need the time to do that. A week isn’t enough. So anyway, the Hat came up with an interesting twist and I am now alive, though without all of the treasure and my stuff. It wouldn’t be so bad, but it took me a long time to save up enough coin for my character to buy two expensive items that are now gone. Sighhhh. Baulf was replaced with a new character and so we play on, feeling like we are even more in the dark than before. While the uniqueness of the group makes for interesting play, it also makes it very hard to accomplish things in the game. I bet if we had a definitive fighter, cleric, paladin, magic user, etc, we would probably be a lot farther along, but hey, whatever. I think most of us play now to actually role-play, not necessarily just kill things and move along. At least, I hope. Heehee.

That is all that is on my mind tonight, so I am off to do some more mind numbing stuff. I am totally addicted to Funny Bubbles. So addicted, even though I am now doing it at top speed and on very hard and still doing pretty well, I just can’t stop. Ack!

Hooray that crazy person is here!

This is very interesting. Even more interesting is the detailed results of the classes. The classes I like to play are the only ones I scored points in. How interesting...

I Am A: Neutral Good Human Druid/Rogue (2nd/2nd Level)


Ability Scores:

Strength-12

Dexterity-14

Constitution-11

Intelligence-14

Wisdom-14

Charisma-14


Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.


Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.


Primary Class:
Druids gain power not by ruling nature but by being at one with it. They hate the unnatural, including aberrations or undead, and destroy them where possible. Druids receive divine spells from nature, not the gods, and can gain an array of powers as they gain experience, including the ability to take the shapes of animals. The weapons and armor of a druid are restricted by their traditional oaths, not simply training. A druid's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that they can cast.


Secondary Class:
Rogues have little in common with each other. While some - maybe even the majority - are stealthy thieves, many serve as scouts, spies, investigators, diplomats, and simple thugs. Rogues are versatile, adaptable, and skilled at getting what others don't want them to get. While not equal to a fighter in combat, a rogue knows how to hit where it hurts, and a sneak attack can dish out a lot of damage. Rogues also seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to avoiding danger. Experienced rogues develop nearly magical powers and skills as they master the arts of stealth, evasion, and sneak attacks. In addition, while not capable of casting spells on their own, a rogue can sometimes 'fake it' well enough to cast spells from scrolls, activate wands, and use just about any other magic item.


Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

Look how nice I am not laughing at you.

Aside from this consistent headache, life hasn’t been overly bad. Boring, but not horrible. Yesterday, I discovered a new writer who I am in adoration about… Shelly Mazzanoble released a book called Confessions of a Part-Time Sorceress: A Girl’s Guide to the Dungeons & Dragons game. Absolutely hilarious. If you play or you know anyone who plays or is thinking of playing, I suggest getting this book. Shelly introduces the game by way of her own introduction into D&D, which considering she works at Wizards of the Coast, came quite late in her life. However, having been also a late convert to the game, I completely understand her immersion into the game dynamics and how life is really not that much different. As she says, if you played with dolls as a child, this is no different. I laughed often as I read this book. Her website also has several other articles by her that also will make you laugh and shake your head in empathy, all while just slightly getting you interested in the new 4.0 version.

My work this week was interestingly dull. My fave co-worker is away on another continent, having fun. The first three days were spent being used and abused (mostly abused by the end of the three days) by the be-yotch of the office who thankfully is away for a few weeks. And goodness, I realized how much I depend on the fave co-worker to keep me sane and looking busy. So many days were spent with nothing pressing to do. Not that I didn’t have anything to do, just nothing pressing and nothing time-consuming. Meanwhile, the prodigal return has stolen half of my work and she is up to her eyeballs in work (I think she is doing it all wrong, but she has yet to actually ask for my help – and trust me, I have walked over to her desk and asked if she needed help). However, I did have work I had to take home, that I could not do at work without carting a whole bunch of equipment to work. See I opened my mouth and mentioned that I did scrapbooking as a hobby. Yeah, you see where this is going. So I have spent a number of hours (boy is the boss going to be surprised when he finds out how many) working on a scrapbook. I think it is looking good. Goodness I hope so. I will find out on Tuesday when I bring it for a preview with the fave co-worker.

I also did a bunch of baking this weekend. In part for the party the scrapbook is for, as we are required to bring baking as well; also in part for girls’ nite this coming weekend. I am surprisingly disappointed with my peanut butter/butterscotch squares – I am not sure what is different (other then not enough marshmallows), but something is. The girls can let me know this Friday at Girls’ Nite (yes, A- you are missing out in my squares – perhaps if you are nice, J will bring you some home – heehee). And I made 4 batches of banana bread – 3 for loaves and 1 for muffins. Yum! However, after all that, I STILL have 4 more batches worth of bananas in my freezer. Sighhhhh! Maybe I will make more this week.

I am thinking of stealing the snow from my neighbor’s yard across the street. The lack of snow on my lawn is showing all of the crap left by the contractors as they worked on our house in fall/early winter. Sighhhh. Sometime, I will have to go clean that up.

Have you ever been obsessed over a sensation? I keep having this thought play in my mind. My hands tangle in silky hair, my lips brush across soft lips. I kiss these lips, alternating between feather light and possessively deep. My hands don’t stray much; they just keep running through the hair. Sometimes, I tangle with the longer hair in back, tugging on it to elicit a gasp. Sometimes, my thumbs brush across the delicate earlobe or the pulsing temples. Anyway, this thought just pops into my head every so often, enough to warrant a raised eyebrow, but not enough to worry me.

The thing that is worrying me right now is this seemingly never-ending mental hunger. My body isn’t hungry, but my head is. And nothing seems to completely satisfy it for very long. Right now I am craving salty chips – now Sunday night that makes sense, since usually I would have had a nice big handful of chips and a bunch of sugar while I played d&d, but what about the fact that I was legitimately hungry around 3:30 this afternoon and after eating a handful of nuts, I was still starving at 4? I started on supper around 5:00, because I was so hungry and by 5:30, we were eating. Then by 8, I was hungry again. Yesterday, I managed to go from 5:30 til 9:30 without any hunger, but then at 9:30, I was just so hungry, I didn’t want to stop eating at 11 pm. Like, what the carp is that about?

I have more to rant about, but I am exhausted today, so I will remind you to all have a wonderful easter weekend (remember dark chocolate bunnies are healthy for you (antioxidants), so nibble away to your heart’s content.)

I like my fat butt.

Ahhh, Happy Bunny, how happy you make me some days. Heehee.

So interesting things I have seen as of late:

The above comic was a fitting tribute to a role model of so many geek around the world (visit the website for even more funny comics). While we may complain about the changes that keep occurring (version 3.5 will be the last one… okay, next June version 4.0 comes out), D&D has had a great affect on so many of my friends, as well as myself. Thank you Gary for assisting us in developing our imaginations. I hope so many more generations enjoy the world you helped create.

In the coupon booklet today was an ad for
WreckingBalm stating Let them see you, not your tattoo. Supposedly

WreckingBalm is a devastatingly effective in home combination treatment using state-of-the-art, vintage technology. Just 9 minutes every week and you’ll be on your way to ridding yourself of that unwanted tattoo. Cleaner, healthier skin will be your new statement of identity without the funky bodyart regret.

Okay, first off, state-of-the-art vintage technology – huh? How can you be state of the art and vintage at the same time? And then cleaner, healthier skin – so basically it eats your skin away? I thought this was an interesting ad. And the testimonial states that this person’s wedding dressed showed her tattoo which led to a fight with her in-laws that day and an ugly divorce soon after. How do you forget you have a back tattoo? And if you are embarrassed by it, don’t get a dress that shows it. And who cares what the in-laws say and why the sudden divorce? All over a tattoo. Didn’t you test the hubby before signing the papers? Hadn’t he seen you naked, including the back tattoo? Really, people.

The idea of a blow up dome for Churchill Square. Wow. That was unexpected. What drugs is Krushell on and why isn’t she sharing? And it’s only $200,000. Well, I suppose it is cheaper than the two huge icicles, er, pyramids, that Edmonton wants to have hanging over the Yellowhead to welcome visitors. At least the dome might be useful. Council still hasn’t explained how they will protect drivers from sun shining off of the icicles or what happens when a rock hits it and glass smashes all over the highway or when another tornado comes through – I am sure a sideways pyramid will stand up to a tornado.

Madonna does drugs and Justin mocks his ex Britney in this article about Madonna’s induction into the Hall of Fame. Were any of you really surprised at either of those headlines? How about Britney guest stars on How I Met your Mother? Yes, she is working. First, One Tree Hill gives that arse Kevin Federline a spot on several episodes (that’s several episodes too many – at least there was no talent required, he just played his arse-holic self). Now, Britney gets on How I Met your Mother. Supposedly, How I Met your Mother is on the brink of cancellation – do they really think Britney will help? Mind you, please just let them finish the story, I NEED to know who Ted ends up with?!?

Gene Simmons wants to create a sexercise video. It took me a second to realize that it was not Richard Simmons (which EWWW!). It is about sex + exercise. Like we don’t have a ton of videos that already show that.

And because one has to wonder why Americans’ couldn’t come up with these game shows, I bring you another Japanese game show… enjoy.

You take one part happiness and one part frustration…

So things in general are going well. Work is driving me crazy, but then again – it’s work, what do I expect? I just wish my department would get a backbone and remind the other department that we are helping them, so stop making our lives so flippin’ difficult.

The toy we got is bringing us lots of enjoyment. Heehee. We had a little bit of problems at gaming as the surface scratched easily, but we called the company to see what they had used as a protective top and they said that they would just pick up the pieces that scratched and fix them for us. Isn’t that cool? Mind you, the house just finally got to a state where I don’t walk in and smell that ‘new’ smell. We’ll probably have that protective gloss smell again. Sighhh.

Let’s talk geeking – how much of the live-action/table top game is dependent on its game master versus player? How much does each depend on each other? How much control should each have over story? Rules? Etc? Just wondering.

Can you tell I am procrastinating about Halloween? Man, I have come up with so many other things that ‘need’ to be done, just so I don’t have to do the invites. And it is not that I don’t love the Halloween party and such. I am just frustrated with the thought of how far behind we are in preparing and such. I am almost done the invite though. Not doing a special website this year or anything, though I did think about using evite for the invitations. But I have enough trouble deciding who to invite, goodness knows what would happen if I allowed everyone to determine if they were coming by the guest list. Heehee.

I blanched beans yesterday. That was fun. Did you know that when you blanch purple beans they come out green? I thought that was most interesting. It is a very dark green, but it is green. How odd.

It’s funny how many people are watching their diets at work. We stand around the water cooler and talk about the latest book we have read or what workouts we have been doing. Everyone is watching what each other are eating (though I told everyone that there was no getting between me and my food, while others have the strict rule that we can rip food out of their hands if it is not in their diet). I personally just finished Bob Greene’s Best Life book and a co-worker is in between LA Weight Loss and Body for Life for Women. Another just finished a cleanse. And we are all doing different workouts, so we show each other moves and such. It is quite humorous.

Anyway, I guess I have procrastinated enough. I should get Halloween invitations done and be ahead of last year – whoohoo!

What should I title this?

Here are some ideas that have jumped into my head:

Facebook sucks
My self-esteem is low and I need more hugs
My dad looks awesome
Why is it that every holiday ends up being a race of how much I can get done?
It is hard to be reminded of what you do not have anymore aka he was mine first!

Of course some of those require explanations that I would rather not go into, so…

Facebook – I don’t see the appeal – putting up your name and pic to the world for anyone to befriend. Sorry. There are people in my past I don’t want to know that I am still alive. There are people that aren’t my friends now that I don’t wanna call friends on Facebook. To me, it’s like your high school reunion – you want to see how much people have changed, how much better you are than them. I don’t want to go to my high school reunion. High school was not the best years of my life and I would rather leave who I was then in the past. I got introduced to Facebook by an invitation from a elementary school friend – who I would love to get in touch with again (we ran into each other 4 years ago, and I don’t have her new email addy). Then all the friends began to get into it and Facebook was popping into blog conversations. Now it comes up in actual conversation. Gotta admit, the creators have something - just not what I want to be involved in. If you could use a pseudo-name, then maybe I would use it. But for now, no thanks.

My dad looks awesome - My dad has lost 52 pounds on Dr. Bernstein’s diet. While the diet itself scares the carp out of me, I am very happy for my father. He looks good, he has energy now and he is exercising. He stopped smoking and he says that he is not starving. I am very proud that he is committing to this. I want my daddy to live a long time.

Why is it that every holiday ends up being a race of how much I can get done? – Seriously. The first weekend, I took off. I relaxed, I didn’t commit to too much. It rocked. Then as the week progressed, speed picked up and by Saturday, I was running around trying to get everything done for the party on Saturday, d&d on Sunday and prepping for the baby shower on Tuesday. I mean, sheesh. Friday was shop day. We picked up decorations and food. We also cleaned the house. Saturday was shopping (not a single tablecloth in my house fits the new table at its longest and none are similar enough to fake it), chopping and preparing. The party itself seemed to go well. D had lots to drink (joys of being the b-day) while I cooked and cleaned and tried to keep myself involved. I had to take a few minute break part way through – it was just too much for me – too much to do, too much of not fitting in and not being able to contribute to conversations, too much memories of times gone past. I feel good that the last people to leave took an hour to leave. Course I was exhausted by the time they did leave and I still had to do some dishes to save myself some work the next morning. Sunday, my parents and bro came by for tea and then d&d in the evening.

D&d is interesting. We are starting a new campaign in Eberron, the new world. It is a very interesting world. I guess the problem I am having is that we all created characters separately. We didn’t make a group that was cohesive from the start. And if you know anything about the world, it comes across as more social than the usual dungeon crawling. So I know I made a character that is very social, very urban oriented – as did most other people. And the DM throws us into a wilderness environment when we are still trying to get to know each other.

On a friend’s blog – just as an aside – he talks about characters’ deaths. I know I invest a lot of time into creating a character. I build a background and I spend time getting inside the character to figure out what she is about, what she knows, what she wants to know, what she wants from life. Death is always a possibility in any gaming society. I don’t think a character’s death has to be dramatic or poignant or central to the plot, but I know that in the past when something stupid has happened and my character has died for seemingly no reason, I get mad. I didn’t spend all this time on creating a character just to have her die, because someone in the party thought her hair was stupid, or because a random rock fell on the side of the cliff and landed on her head. I know people sometimes die in real life for stupid reasons. I want my character’s death to mean something to the character. I want the character to live as long as possible. After all, a character is really just you trying something different. I want a chance to live the life of an adventurer, a thief, or a fighter. I want the chance to step outside of my boundaries and try something new in a safe environment, where I, as myself, will not be mocked. Ahh - the world of pretend. Heehee.

Anyway, I should go work on the bill paying and maybe have some supper sometime – did I mention we have so much salad that I think we will be having it everyday this week? Heh – the fun of parties.

Learn the difference between right and wrong.

You’ll probably choose wrong, but you should at least know which is which.

Get this – I saw the doc today for a refill on a prescription and I am told that she will no longer be providing birth control prescriptions due to a change in her practice. I am sorry – but what the?!? I was too stunned to ask why and I wanted to see if she covered why in the pamphlet, but she didn’t. It just says that if you take the pill for cycle control or acne, then she will continue to prescribe it, but if not, then no go. Why should my right to choose whether or not I assist in overpopulating this world be denied by my medical doctor? I mean, seriously, the only reason I can fathom is that due to her beliefs (religious or otherwise), she does not agree with the choice to remain childless. I mean, great, but your choice should not hinder my choice. So now, I have to see if my pharmacy was one of the wonderful ones that will write up prescriptions for me OR I need to start looking for another doctor, which in this market, is virtually impossible.

And goodness forbid, you get sick. Because she also isn’t taking any ‘fit ins,’ you just get the next available time she is available. I actually heard the receptionist tell someone that the next available time was Wednesday late at night or Thursday afternoon, but if the person gets sick, they should go to the hospital. What the heck happened to our medical service? Supposedly our appointments are only 10 minutes long, so you better hope your condition doesn’t require longer than that to explain or be examined. I am still stunned by the message given in this pamphlet. I certainly did not get the feeling that she cares about her clients. I understand that you are busy. Who isn’t? But to disregard your clients in such a manner is just... arrogant. You know, I go out of my way to chart my blood pressure and put in on a graph for her (cause she casually mentioned that it would help her) and she can’t take a minute to add my birth control pills to my prescription list once a year. Wow.

Speaking of busy, at 1:10 pm, I was still taking people who had arrived at the office prior to 9 am. Wanna talk about the definition of stress? We broke our previous record of number of people waiting. We were short staffed and I had to finish training one person in the morning and I had to leave early for my doctor’s appt. Talk about screwed. I did the best I could in the time I could. It’s never enough, but such is the economy.

D&D – we have survived the war, though there is one last skirmish we need to complete. I, the player, am exhausted for my character. It has been non-stop for over a month for my character and I think she is suffering from post-traumatic stress, except it is not post yet. We should be able to finish the module this week, hopefully allowing us some time to determine what our characters want to do in the future as we are taking some time off from this campaign to try out the Eberron world. The one thing I have noticed about D&D is that the longer you play, the weirder the character or situation is. I now want to expand my character’s background so there is something unique in it. For example, Caely has a daughter who has reached an age where she can learn by living with others of the family (the benefits of being an elf). It is not anything game-wise that really interferes, but there is someone back home to live for, or to try new things for, or just to relate tales of what you did. It could have play in the game (I don’t really want that, but it could), but more importantly it rounds out the character. She has a history and a life and there is more to her than one assumes by looking at her. My new character has a vibrant history as well. And some of the others are playing really unique races of characters (I have a love of half-elves and elves). Some people expand and take prestige classes, whereas when you started you tended to pick one class and stuck with it. I still do that for the most part, just because it is a lot easier to keep track of, but there are some prestige classes that I have shown an interest in or I have played some of the more unique classes, like Favored Soul (my first foray into a cleric-like class). I think D&D is a great opportunity for people to try something new without having to worry that in real life, they will be ridiculed or terrorized. And as we get older, the less we want to take chances in real life, but in gaming, we are there for the trying. Amazing. Heehee.

Anyway, I should go think about supper. Have lots of do tonight and have to fit some exercise in there as well.

My lovely lady lumps

If you haven’t seen it yet, you MUST go to MSN videos and see the latest Alanis Morissette – she covers Fergie’s My Humps and it is totally hilarious. I have the song stuck in my head now. The video is hilariously spoofy.

What is sad that I was just thinking of Fergie too. I was complaining, to myself of course, what a sad video Lady Sovereign has (Love me or hate me - I think). Anyway, I was thinking that if I wanted to watch bubblegum pop then I would much rather watch Fergie’s videos that Lady Sovereign’s. Especially after she pronounced breasts with 3 syllables – honestly it was breastises. That is how is sounded, honestly. Even the commentators on Video on Trail noticed that.

I had the BESTEST supper today. It totally hit the spot. If you have been reading for awhile or know me, then you know how much lately I have been hating grocery days. I refuse to cook on these days since I just bought all the food, I certainly don’t want to cook it. But finding something for me that is healthy and low in sodium, etc. is really difficult. Usually I settle with something bad that I justify – like spinach dip and bread cause spinach is good for you. Or potato salad from the deli with an apple for dessert cause the apple balances it all out. I never said I justified well. Heehee. Anyway, today I was staring at the salads, trying to find one that wouldn’t expire by Saturday, when out of my peripheral vision I noticed the shredded lettuce and I immediately thought of tacos. And that is what I had – tacos with fresh tomatoes, shredded lettuce, soft tortillas, fat free sour cream, nacho shredded cheese and nummy ground beef. Despite the breaking of the no cooking rule, the meal just rocked. Who knew it was just what I wanted?

Note – disgusting topic coming up. I have to mention something just cause it was an interesting revelation that I never noticed before. I have mentioned before that we have new people at work now. This means new people using the restroom, which means new smells to get used to. Cause you do – you get used to smells after you have to smell them for so long. However it was the first time I ever noticed that someone’s bathroom smells (ie –#2) could actually smell like cigarettes. I mean really, does she eat them? Holy carp! It was awful. I totally understood why someone would bring in an air freshener. Of course, our office is ‘Scent-sitive’ so no smelling fresheners allowed. Thankfully, the people who I am 99% sure are the culprits are off sick (sure, uh-huh) and the bathrooms haven’t been too bad. I am not looking forward to that smell again.

Anyway, back to life – the last two days have been awesome at work. We have slowed down this week (knock on wood) and it has been nice to leisurely do our jobs and actually remember what it feels like to breathe every so often. I actually got off on time today (mind you, that was also because it was shopping day and I was getting a ride from a co-worker who is a big believer in getting off on time). Plus the beyotch has been away - sighhh - can you hear the office breath a sigh of relief? I am sure that is a contributing factor in the more relaxed atmosphere at work.

My back is finally feeling a bit better today. Somehow when I woke up Sunday, my back was just killing me. I went about my business and then silly me, put on some dancing music and did some impromptu dancing. Ow – lots of hip movements and sore back do not mix. Needless to say Monday it was still bad and this morning I was debating taking some pain relief, but it seems to have worked itself out (I haven’t danced a lot in the last couple of days). Hopefully, tomorrow it will be great and I can go back to listening to great music. Heehee.

Watched Happy Feet on the weekend. That movie was awesome! D didn’t realize it was an environmental movie, so wasn’t as pleased as I was. It is a very fun movie, just near the end was some blatant ‘environmental’ talk that didn’t really flow in the movie and then it ended well. There are a couple of really good extras – the tribute to Steve Irwin (he was an elephant seal in the movie, but was originally an albatross) and there is another little animated show in it that just makes you laugh out loud. I won’t describe it cause seeing it is 100 times better.

Another week of d&d went by, we are still in the war, though it sounds like one of the big wigs for the good side has gone down. We are off to hopefully save him now, though none of us have a resurrection spell, so who knows what we are going to do. We are playing again this week as we are sorta really involved in the storyline – it is like a really good book that you are almost at the end of and you know you need to put it down, but you just can’t, you just want to read just a little more… exactly the same thing here. Plus I am looking forward to some downtime where our characters can decide some very important issues like is the new guy actually evil, will the paladin sleep with the new guy, will the carpet survive another fight? Very important questions, I tell you.

Also went shopping this weekend for some work pants for D and myself. D’s were on a rockin’ great sale – regular 49.99, on for 9.99. I know! We grabbed 3 pairs just to be safe. I have a feeling they are discontinuing the style, which sucks cause the new pairs they have totally hold on to dust and debris. Ew! Mine were also a great deal but only because of my membership card. Still it was nice to get a smaller size. Heehee.

I am so looking forward to this weekend. Our office is closed both Friday and Monday, so it is a four day weekend for me. Yes! I am very happy, in case you didn’t guess.

Anyway, I should go. Lots to do and I am getting tired. Side note- my office is still really clean (that’s the good thing of parents coming over, they inspire you to clean – fear is a wonderful motivator – and I didn’t even just chuck everything in the closet – aren’t you proud of me?) heehee

One windy day in spring...

Sometimes cable companies drive me bananas. My brother was so kind to sell me his PVR which I was very pleased about since it means that I can hopefully stop having VHS tapes hanging around the floor in piles waiting for me or D (more likely) to watch them. So cool – today I get the bill (really early too) and there is not only an ‘add digital feature fee’ but a ‘digital feature fee’. I mean seriously – talk about nickel and dime the clients. I have to pay 4 bucks because some guy had to write a note on my brother’s file saying he was giving me the PVR and another guy had to press a few buttons to activate the box at my house. I should send them a bill for the time it took me to find everything on the new remote (which is not user friendly) since they chose to change the layout. And I should charge them for the 10 minutes that I was on hold, waiting for someone to press activate the box. I mean – arghhhh! Anyway, regardless, it is nice to be able to watch a show and tape another show AT THE SAME TIME. Seriously, this is a first for me. Up until last night, I would have to watch or tape one show at a time. There was no overlapping. Whoohoo! I am enjoying it. A lot. For a TV addict like myself, I am thrilled with its features. Mind you, there goes the furniture fund, but still it is worth it.

Life is still as stressful as ever, but I have been taking the time at work to do some of the things that I needed to get done (been on the to-do list for awhile). We really are having trouble keeping up with the demand and the people I work with are dropping like flies. One should be back next week after being off 3 weeks with pneumonia. One is back in two weeks after an accident and taking quite awhile to recover (I think 5-6 weeks now). And one just went off for a week (but supposedly her doctor wants her off for 3 months). We still have one out since Oct due to an injury. Yowsers! I am trying to keep positive and take a few moments throughout the day to just…breathe. It seems to be helping. This week has been better as well since we have not put in nearly as much OT so I am actually getting home at a decent time and since only half of my shows are on, I am relaxing and doing stuff, rather than collapsing on the couch for the night. Of course, like tonight, I am procrastinating on dinner so I am eating late – which is really bad as that means I snack early to keep me from starving. Heehee oops!

We had YaYa on Sunday last week – one founding member was missing, but the rest of us had a good time catching up and eating goodies.

Taxes are done as well. Awesome! I actually get money back this year. I am still amazed by this. Cool!

The horde is kicking the town’s ass on Sunday, but we are doing our best to hold off the inevitable. To the DM’s dismay, he only managed to mortally wound one of our cannon fodder, red shirts, er, fellow fighters. We are meeting again this weekend to see if we can finish this fight. I think we are going to need to strategically retreat back behind the barrier. We are so impatient that we sort of ran out to meet some of the enemies instead of just staying behind the safe barrier like we had for the first half of the fight. Heehee.

Anyway, I should go switch laundry and then clean my office. My parents are stopping by on Saturday and will be using my office, so I should hide some of those more racy things. Heehee.

Heart

Just to get this out of the way first – Oh my goodness – Supernatural tonight was just…awesome! The ending was poignant, and heart breaking, and the thought of it still makes my heart twinge. I know several of my friends knock me for investing so much of myself into certain shows, but tonight was a reminder of why I do. I was right there with Sam and Dean at that moment and despite it being unsaid, you knew what Sam was asking Dean and you knew why Sam had to do what he did (so he knew what it would feel like for his brother). All that in just one friggin’ poignant moment with so few words, a perfect back song, and the haunting expressions. Who didn’t flinch when it was all interrupted by the loud noise? I was so sorry I hadn’t taped it because if I had, I would have rewound the tape to watch it again, just so I could feel with them just a little longer.

Okay, now that that is out. Let’s just inhale deeply, hold, and exhale, releasing all the stress and emotions. Now don’t you feel better? Heehee. Perhaps if I changed the music in the back into something a little less maudlin… Nah…

Here’s something I read recently that I thought was very thought-provoking:

How come pleasure never makes it on to a dutiful list of do’s…? Doesn’t joy also get soft and flabby if you neglect to exercise it?

So said Ellen Goodman. I think it is very true. Sometimes it just is hard to celebrate joy. You see it, and you know it would feel good, but it is just so much energy. Exactly how I feel about exercise some days! Heehee.

Latest on the work front – Supposedly one of our new full time staff is going to be bouncing from unused desk to unused desk when the part-time person returns. I understand that the part time person has seniority, but shouldn’t someone who works only 3 days a week have to move around more than the person who is full time? And what if no one is sick, ergo no empty desks? Where does this person sit then? Yeah, the joys of poor planning.

As well, on the work front, overtime has been greatly advanced lately as we are trying to prepare a lot of things so that life will be easier over the long run. Overtime will also be gaining this weekend possibly if I ever want to have the time (and no caustic complaints) to get the stock room set up now that renos are done.

The horde war is going okay. We are playing more often just to satisfy our need to complete this war. We are basically just jumping from place to place trying to assist where we can. One would think someone would have planned a little better; we did give them quite a bit of notice that that horde was coming. Sighhhh. Our new guy becomes more evil by the second and my character is feeling a little out of sorts with all this unorganized chaos. And I don’t think the other party members are all that pleased with my less than generous display of sharing. But come on – what good does it do the town if we die because someone gave up most of the healing potions? Really. Heehee.

We had the Hat over yesterday so he could get a head start on his idea for the next campaign. That leaves 3 others to organize for character building. It wouldn’t be so bad except that between the 7 of us, only one person has books. And I am a slow builder, as I prefer to develop out a whole background as I build my character. So far – we are a very eclectic mix of characters and the whole game could have a totally different slant on it. I think dungeon crawling is going to be a bit difficult, thus far.

Also last weekend was a great little get together with A&J and B&C. It was fun just sitting around and chatting and eating. I made my fabulous dip, except in respect to the holiday, I dyed the sour cream/cream cheese mix green and used green salsa (which was Totally Hot). It was good, but whew! I think I burn a lot of calories just trying not to cry at the heat occasionally. Worse is that I have lots of salsa left over and so I am trying to eat some of it just plain. I gave some to nDie and it was rather funny to see his face. Probably quite like mine today as I tried Grapeleaf rolls (rice, mint, parsley, salt and pepper rolled into grape leaves and baked in olive oil. I don’t know what exactly was not to my taste, but it was Very salty and Very disgusting to my palate. Ew! But I tried something new.

Anyway, this weekends looks like it could go two ways – very packed with OT, friends, family, gaming, etc. OR very relaxing with shopping, friends, gaming, etc. My parents and bro want to come over to do their taxes. I have a potential YaYa for this weekend and of course gaming. So we will just have to see how it goes. One more day of work and the weekend comes. I am very much looking forward to tomorrow evening. ;)

Say it right, Caely

In the day
In the night
Say it all
Say it right
You either got it
Or you don't
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking
There's a hole in the plan

The battlefield is drawn. The horde is on the other side of the wall, things normally found in your nightmares. They have advanced and stopped. You know that tonight is the night. Your life could end in only a few short hours before dawn. The heroes have done what they could to alter the outcome. A month passes quickly when heroes travel across the land, trying to even the odds of the coming fight. Did they do enough? Did they do all they could do? Will you be there to find out in the end?

Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
Do you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

Morale is high and yet beneath it all is something only fear can name. You remember the feel of silken hair beneath your fingers. You remember the sigh on parted lips. You remember the sight of a soft smile, unshed tears, the dark knowledge in eyes before they closed in sweet surrender.

I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show
You tonite you tonite

The moon is large in the sky tonight and she sheds her light across the field. You know beside you are hundreds of people, ready to lay down their lives to fight for this town and what it represents. And yet, in your heart, you feel alone. Your fingers feel cold and you flex them over your weapons. You are anxious for the fighting to begin and yet, if you could move back time, you would do anything to prevent this moment from coming. What is done is done though and you cannot change what has happened. The battlefield has been drawn and the tension mounts as you await for the fight to begin. You inhale deeply and smell the fires of oiled torches. The wind changes and you know that the time has come.

From my hands I could give you
Something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy
Do you really want to go?

The last two days and nights you spent building the morale of the troops and it has all come down to this moment. Fear clogs your throat and your breaths become shallow. You did all you could in the last month to stop this seige. They call you a hero and say all you did has helped. They asked for your opinion in how to finish this fight and all you could focus on was how many towns had been crossed off in red on their maps. So many lives lost already, so many more to come. You pray that you did enough, but you know now that it was pittance. After all, what are you, but a lone being on a journey. You are no hero, your fear has lead you before. If only they knew, then they would know why you shouldn’t be here. A laugh nearby startles you out of your ponderance. You glance back into the battlefield and remember to breathe deep. In and out, in and out. You focus on the memory of the last two nights. The feel of another’s skin against your own, the taste of their lips, the sight of lust and satisfaction in their eyes, the rememberance of being alive. You did all you could and you will do all you can. It is all anyone can demand. And if all happens as it should and good triumphs, then tomorrow, you can gather in the warmth of someone’s heat again and remember what it feels like to feel alive.

Note: lyrics from Nelly Furtado

Got nothing but time…

So no shows are on tonight. It is 8:30 and I am exhausted – why? Cause I have nothing to do. How sad am I? Listening to Adam Cohen, reading several blogs that I like to read and thinking of what to say on my own. I did have one moment where I clicked on one of my fave blogs and my head obviously was focused on an acquaintance’s blog above it, cause it took me a few paragraphs before it clicked that the blog was not the acquaintance’s blog, but someone else. Made a lot more sense once I figured that out, I tell ya. Sometimes, I wonder about my ability to concentrate. Oh yeah.

I thought work was hell last week, oh my goodness. As my mother always says, it could always be worse – and it has been. I am exhausted from work every night. Finding the energy to exercise has been a struggle, but I have managed to do 10,000 steps pretty much every night, though I estimated today since my pedometer died today. How irritating. I figure though with what I usually do by the time I get home from work, with 20 minutes on the treadmill, I should be good. (I know 20 minutes is not really long, but the Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search had ended and I had watched the last bit of last week’s Lost that was taped – nothing else to watch, therefore can’t do the treadmill.)

I have put in so much overtime at work, and it really feels like we are not getting ahead at all. So many people, so little time and the big bosses want us to serve people right to the bitter end of the day. Thankfully, I have taken over some mail duties, so about a half hour to an hour before close, I can stop seeing clients and do some other stuff. The other day, I showed my uvula to a co-worker near the end of the day and she agreed that it looked swollen; I was close to losing my voice that day. Unfortunately, I didn’t, which I guess is probably good since we, as usual, are short staffed.

Stress levels are high in the house though, with D transferred to a new store. Let’s not discuss the horrors there. D has been putting in Lots of overtime as well and I think this weekend needs to be a de-stressing weekend. I have had no ideas of how to do that yet, besides a possible poker night for D on Saturday. Have no idea if anyone would be interested with such short notice, but it is an idea. Other than that, I have only come up with lots of sex. And sleep.

Have you all heard about the Secret? It was on Oprah a couple of times and one of my co-workers has picked up the book. She is really enjoying it and I was totally right in my guess of what it was about - positive thoughts really do affect you. It is funny how much money these people are making on a premise that really is basic common sense. I guess if it works for you though, then spend the money and learn what you need to learn.

I need to learn a new hobby. Something cheap, fun and that satisfies me physically, spiritually, mentally and/or emotionally. I know, I am not asking much. I still think a harem would be a great hobby, but some friends have mentioned that a harem might make them uncomfortable coming over. Guess parading them around on leashes with slashed leather tops and bottoms might be a little extreme. Heehee.

Now that is funny - I just turned my calendar to March and it reads, “ Strive to be your finest self and not an imitation of anyone else.” Meanwhile, in the background, The Cure sings, “Why can’t I be you?”

You will be glad to know that in D&D, we have killed the lich, despite the ever-present argument of negotiating with evil versus killing evil. However, since I failed my fear check (in fact, I failed 4 fear checks in a row), I was not able to maintain my position of negotiating with the lich and thus after a extremely long fight, my party members were able to defeat the physical aspect of the lich, while I, safely outside of its lair, destroyed its soul. So while it may have appeared to the other party members that I did nothing but cower, in fact, I was very important in killing the lich. That is what he gets for not only scaring me twice in a row, but also for being exactly where I predicted. I am also not a fan of his ghostly lions. That’s strike seventy-two for evil and another point for the small band of heroes. However, on that note, I have NO idea what we need to do next, though the horde of evil is quickly descending on our town and our small, but humble tree house just outside of town.

Anyway, I think I am off to bed. Maybe I’ll take a bath before I go to bed – that can be de-stressing. Find a cheesy, quick romance book to read and have lots of bubbles. Hmmmm, that sounds really nice. Gotta go.