I’m not saying you’re stupid; I’m just saying you’ve got bad luck when it comes to thinking.
You have no idea how many times I have started an entry and then abandoned it, how many times I wanted to lay it all out and then stopped, how many times I have cursed and cried and struggled and then decided I didn’t have the energy to deal with it all. So instead I have been filling my time with other stuff. Some of it has been utterly great – spending time with friends, getting to know some new people better as they become friends, appreciating what I have, and living. Some of it has been distraction techniques – apps, moving snow into the areas that get sunshine and away from the house, more apps, reading, and trying to catch up on shows. And some of it has been utter stress and chaos – travelling so much for work, trying to catch up on being away so much, unpacking and repacking, cleaning up dumping zones, trying to organize for renovations, and dealing with other events around me. This does not mean there hasn’t been time for thinking. Goodness no matter how busy I am there is always time to think. And if I don’t think during the day, then my dreams are very intense. And it is interesting sometimes what I think about. It is also sometimes sad and disappointing and frustrating and scream-inducing.
It’s been 5 months since the event and part of me is pissed off that I am not completely over this already. The effect of this one person’s selfish act is still evident in my life and they don’t deserve that. I don’t care if they were in my life for years, that one act has undone so much and they are not worthy. And the ripple effect certainly is not something they deserve, but it has happened. And so in the back of my mind, I dwell. I watch what I say around certain people because I don’t know if it will get out. I have lowered my trust of several people and I feel like I have to lie to others because I don’t want this bitterness that has been wrought and it’s not me. And yet, I can’t quite get rid of it. I want to rail against the injustice done, I want to spew the festering cuss words and I don’t want to have to not trust people whom I thought were friends. There has been no contact with this person since then and I have never shared my viewpoints, feelings, hurts. I honestly don’t know how I will react and there is a good chance that someday I will be in this person’s presence. For goodness sake, we were supposed friends for years for a reason – we shared interests and have similar circles of friends. But of course, I don’t know if these are similar circles of friends anymore. According to this one person, I can’t trust anyone.
So what to do? How do I move farther from this? How do I stop expending energy on someone who just isn’t worthy? How do I trust people again? Do I say to heck with that group of friends? Do I explain to some of these people why I can’t trust them? Do I become a bitch and just let it all spew out?
Okay – let’s do what I normally do for now and focus on the happier things in my life. My youngest niece turned one in February and goodness she is just the cutest thing. And it is amazing watching my brother turn into such an awesome father. And my parents are so enjoying being grandparents. And my oldest niece will be 11 this year and she is a fascinating young lady. She is at the age of dolls and so when she spent the afternoon with me, we went over to Toys R Us and shopped for Monster High Dolls and then came back to my house to watch a Monster High video while we played with the Monster High Dolls. And then we played Dance Central, one of my favorite new games. It was sad when she had to leave and there are days when I wish she lived closer.
And I have spent time with some wonderful people, talking, playing video games and board games, and going for dinners. Three out of the four work trips I have had this year so far have been spent with various groups from work. It has been great getting to know some of these people better, to reconnect with others, and meet new people. The first trip I was alone, but still managed to arrange a dinner with a colleague who I interact with primarily virtually. Afterwards, she gave me a tour of the city as I had been mostly limited to just a couple neighborhoods. It’s amazing how the after work events can make even the dullest of work days more enjoyable.
And of course, I have continued to do my yoga and get massages. I have joined a walking event that runs for a few weeks. Hopefully, this will encourage me to do some more walking. And who knows what I will do after that. Yoga ends at the end of this month, the walking event ends in June, and then it is holiday time and hopefully, renovations will be underway. It’s going to be a good year. Despite the mulling in my head and stuff, I am optimistic about things. And that’s what I need to keep focusing on.
It’s been 5 months since the event and part of me is pissed off that I am not completely over this already. The effect of this one person’s selfish act is still evident in my life and they don’t deserve that. I don’t care if they were in my life for years, that one act has undone so much and they are not worthy. And the ripple effect certainly is not something they deserve, but it has happened. And so in the back of my mind, I dwell. I watch what I say around certain people because I don’t know if it will get out. I have lowered my trust of several people and I feel like I have to lie to others because I don’t want this bitterness that has been wrought and it’s not me. And yet, I can’t quite get rid of it. I want to rail against the injustice done, I want to spew the festering cuss words and I don’t want to have to not trust people whom I thought were friends. There has been no contact with this person since then and I have never shared my viewpoints, feelings, hurts. I honestly don’t know how I will react and there is a good chance that someday I will be in this person’s presence. For goodness sake, we were supposed friends for years for a reason – we shared interests and have similar circles of friends. But of course, I don’t know if these are similar circles of friends anymore. According to this one person, I can’t trust anyone.
So what to do? How do I move farther from this? How do I stop expending energy on someone who just isn’t worthy? How do I trust people again? Do I say to heck with that group of friends? Do I explain to some of these people why I can’t trust them? Do I become a bitch and just let it all spew out?
Okay – let’s do what I normally do for now and focus on the happier things in my life. My youngest niece turned one in February and goodness she is just the cutest thing. And it is amazing watching my brother turn into such an awesome father. And my parents are so enjoying being grandparents. And my oldest niece will be 11 this year and she is a fascinating young lady. She is at the age of dolls and so when she spent the afternoon with me, we went over to Toys R Us and shopped for Monster High Dolls and then came back to my house to watch a Monster High video while we played with the Monster High Dolls. And then we played Dance Central, one of my favorite new games. It was sad when she had to leave and there are days when I wish she lived closer.
And I have spent time with some wonderful people, talking, playing video games and board games, and going for dinners. Three out of the four work trips I have had this year so far have been spent with various groups from work. It has been great getting to know some of these people better, to reconnect with others, and meet new people. The first trip I was alone, but still managed to arrange a dinner with a colleague who I interact with primarily virtually. Afterwards, she gave me a tour of the city as I had been mostly limited to just a couple neighborhoods. It’s amazing how the after work events can make even the dullest of work days more enjoyable.
And of course, I have continued to do my yoga and get massages. I have joined a walking event that runs for a few weeks. Hopefully, this will encourage me to do some more walking. And who knows what I will do after that. Yoga ends at the end of this month, the walking event ends in June, and then it is holiday time and hopefully, renovations will be underway. It’s going to be a good year. Despite the mulling in my head and stuff, I am optimistic about things. And that’s what I need to keep focusing on.
posted by Taryn at 5:21 pm
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