Do you wanna touch me...

It’s funny. I think of something that would make a good post and so I start up the computer, wait for all the usual stuff to happen, check my emails, and then I’m exhausted and want to be off the computer. Usually because I know I should be doing finances and paying bills, but that is going to take another hour and it is certainly more important than ‘a post.’ So all these thoughts get stuck in my mind and I try to hold onto them for when I have a moment to write up a post. Most of the time, they disappear with just faint echoes of their significance left.

Today I saw the following:

I hate small talk.
I want talk about atoms, death, aliens, sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, faraway galaxies, the lies you’ve told, your flaws, your favorite scents, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears… I like people with depth, who speak with an emotion from a twisted mind. I don’t want to know “what’s up.”
- The Mind unleashed

It’s very true. I have stayed up or out longer than anticipated because the conversation was meaty and interesting and involved getting to know someone better. So many times I have been near last or last to leave a party because I find often by the end, the people left want to talk. The conversation gets intimate, funny, deep, enlightening. And who wants to end a great conversation? Not me.

That is the introvert in me, the detailed person, the gatherer. To me, learning about people – what they are interested in, what they’ve done, what they laugh at – that is the interesting part of life. I want to hang out and chat. I want to hear your stories and if the stars align, I’ll share mine. It’s not that my life is such a big secret, but it certainly has had its share of discrimination and harassment. Friends get weird because I identify as bisexual or ambiphilic; because I have an interest in alternative lifestyles; because I’m interested in some of the weird and strange things that people believe and do. I have my own biases, but that doesn’t mean I’m not interested in learning more about things.

I’m struggling though. It takes so long for me to be able to share my stories or thoughts, especially with people I don’t know well, but even with friends. I don’t want to whine or complain or bore people with my problems, so I often don’t talk about what’s going on. Which means I suffer in silence or with people just knowing a bit of something. And I feel like when I go to bring it up, I am repeating myself when really I am just setting up my thoughts again and maybe this time I’ll get a little bit farther.

I’m doing this wonderful event this year that is taking me outside my comfort zone. I’m trying to get used to the idea of some of the stuff that will happen, but gosh, my brain is just a bundle of fears, excitement, terror, giddiness, wonder, stress, and did I say fears? One of the events is a boudoir shoot. I love my body – from my breasts up and calves down. Teehee. Well, I love certain regions in between, but for the most part, that area and I are constantly struggling against each other’s desires. We were told to get a matching bra and panty set and a proper bra fitting. First off – I don’t get the desire of matching. I get it’s pretty, blah, blah, blah. Honestly, give me a pair of Jockey for Her and I’m happy. My bra can be all sorts of sexy, lacy, etc. But I just want a pair of panties that fit, are comfortable, and cover my butt.

So L and I went shopping today. One shop was too busy so we are now have appointments two weeks from now. L got a wonderful woman at the next shop we went to, but it appears once you have an ample bosom, this shop mostly had granny wear. They had a few that fit, but nothing that said wow. Part of it was just that I don’t think shear is all ‘that’ sexy. I’m more of a tease with my clothes – hints, peeks, impressions. Let’s be honest – I’m just a tease. Teehee.

So over to one of my favorite stores (2 locations) – where I found several to try. It was interesting that one store was doing a better sale than the other. Regardless, I bought a couple things – even one set that matches. I know I have lots of sexy bras… it’s really the panties that are the problem. And then I think – do I really want that part of me to be on the camera anyway? And all that fun of finding pretty, sexy bras goes into the trash. There goes the self-confidence and the excitement. Instead, my eyes start looking for suit jackets and pants and clothes that I like rather than underwear. Another location and the same thing happened… like the bras… hate the matching underwear. Sighhhhh. Tomorrow I may go to another of my favorite stores and see if they have matching underwear since I’m pretty sure that is where I went shopping last.

I was reading an article online earlier how being naked helps you reconnect with your body and accept it. I tend to be naked a lot at home and really, I just got good at being less observant of it. And getting naked in front of other people… uh, not really interested. Don’t want to go to the nude beach (uh – remember, vampire pale skin means no direct sun and delicious blood means no locations where mosquitos would have access to delicate areas). I don’t tend to do pools (much against my massage therapist’s wishes as it would help me). And I haven’t found my cuddle pile yet that encourages all sorts of nakedness.

My first boyfriend popped back into conversation today. He was introduced to me by L who was in school with him. This was the guy for whom I was his first and then dumped me after a few months because we had sex too much. Yup... Still makes me shake my head. Still makes me question my sex drive. Amazing the amount of power a memory can have on you.

Anyway, I should get back to doing finances and paying bills. Sadly, they don’t pay themselves. I’m still working through things as you can tell. Someday…