You have a voice. Don’t put yourself in a box. Don’t let the polite lies of society silence you. – AnnaLynne McCord

I wish I remembered this quote more often. I find it takes a bit before I want to talk – to anyone. And then it takes a bit before I can open up about something I want to talk about. Is this just due to my lack of social interaction lately? Is it due to ongoing low grade depression? Is it still trust issues? I want to get out more and talk to people. I want to engage more and get involved. But I am also an introvert and my involvement meter fills very quickly – i.e. it doesn’t take much engagement before I am tired and don’t want to be involved. I need to talk some things out, but it takes so long for me to feel ready to talk that people are leaving by the time I want to start talking.

It’s been a tough week again. Work is the usual hectic, chaotic shite that it is. I could talk about the people leaving like rats on a sinking ship. I could talk about the amount of knowledge leaving with them and the fact that there are so few people left who have any historical knowledge. But what’s the point? Let’s be honest – work has not gotten better since November 2014. I question myself all the time whether I should stay and ride out this storm or I should leave. Will this chaos end without plummeting into scandal, front page stories, or sheer stupidity? I honestly don’t know.

Regardless, this week’s depression is based on personal stuff. It seems the beautiful new kitty we got in June had stomach cancer and Tuesday, we had to put her down. The cancer had spread, her cavities were filled with fluid making breathing difficult, and she wasn’t pooping or eating. Supposedly the previous owner was wondering if she was sick before I adopted her. Yes, dear, stomach cancer is a slow growing cancer that can take years to show symptoms and all of the puking that was ignored – that was a sign of things going wrong. I am trying to think more positively – like her last few weeks were spent in a peaceful household full of love, affection, and lots of spoiling. I want to think she was happy with us. It’s just sad that she’s gone.

According to conversation with SIL, D isn’t ready for a new cat. But I am. Not to replace Maisy, but because I love animals, especially cats. I want something to love. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to feel purrs and soft fur and know that I am bringing some creature happiness. My soul aches for another cat. My heart begs and goodness knows my blood pressure is definitely lower with having a cat in the house. I want a reason to come home. Work is not satisfying, so let’s not waste time there. Let’s come home and share our life with a cat who is excited to see us. And yes, it can happen with a cat. Nox used to greet me at the door whenever I came home; she would totally ignore D who had been home all day, but when the door opened, she’d be waiting for me.

I like to think the universe is watching out for me. One of the kitties we had been considering at the same time as Maisy is available for adoption. I was sure she had been off the site when I looked after deciding on Maisy, but she was back on when I looked on Wednesday in a desperate need to see if there were any kitties who called out to me. So is it the universe providing? Is it coincidence? I’m going with the universe is providing. I’ve applied for adoption; we’ll see if I am considered worthy now.


There are so many other things I have thought about writing.
Politics – between the mania over the Prime Minister and the jaw-dropping shock that a certain individual is still a presidential nominee (really – the joke has gone on long enough – please) – there’s so much to say, but I’m sure someone else has said it.

TV shows – I wish I could talk about that. I am soooooo behind in preparing this year. Thank goodness for preview shows which I am madly taping so I can get prepared. And of course, D and I still have two shows from last season to catch up on. Ack! Mind you – if you are not watching Better Late Than Never with Henry Winkler, William Shatner, George Foreman, Terry Bradshaw, and Jeff Dye – please start watching. Two episodes in and I have laughed out loud several times in both shows. So funny!

Entertainment – so many people dying again and then there are reminders of who has died previously – gosh, it is so sad sometimes.

Myself – so many dreams, so little energy. So much to do, so little energy. So many hobbies, so little energy. So much weight to lose, so many emotions to eat. I’ve eaten out far too many times this week – and not that I didn’t enjoy the food. I just don’t enjoy the lack of weight loss, the upset stomach, the negative thoughts that flood my brain, the feeling of failure. I managed to lose some weight this week, which makes me think what could I have lost if I hadn’t eaten out. Such horrible thinking.

Books – I was reading a very interesting book this weekend – Random Acts of Kindness. I enjoyed the book, but then it hit me that I don’t really have a core group of friends. I have a few close friends, but not a core group that all hang out together. And I constantly feel like I am sort of on the sidelines. We all have busy lives, except mine doesn’t feel busy. It’s a very lonely world sometimes. Doesn't help I am reading a book called What we eat when we are alone. Teehee.

Anyway, it’s way past my bedtime, so I should be off. I just wanted to share the latest.