Saturday, May 28, 2016

I wanted to give you peace. Not erase you from the cycle forever. I wonder if it was my pain or yours I sought to end. – Burned - Karen Marie Moning

A year is coming up since I made the ultimate choice to let Nox go. And so often, I still ask myself if I made the right decision. Did I make her life the best it could be for as long as I could have? Should have? I still miss her. And now that a year is coming up, I have been seriously in need of a new kitty. I have been ready for a while, but in respect of D, I have waited. But I am lonely. I’m tired of coming home to a lonely house. And to be honest, I have no reason to come home right now, which means I have been spending more time at work – this is not a good thing. My stress levels are up, which corresponds with my blood pressure being up. I can’t seem to move past this repetitive 2 pound yo-yo. I’m happy it’s two pounds, but still… arghhhh.

I’m reading a few books right now – one of which is how to lower your blood pressure without medication. I’m trying to see what I have been slacking on and what I didn’t know. One interesting fact is that sugar raises your blood pressure as well. Add in a recent show from Jamie Oliver about sugar and holy shite! How the heck are we supposed to eat anymore? There is so much sugar in so many things. I was having enough trouble finding lower sodium options and now I have to watch the sugar? I know part of the whole problem is I’ve just hit the wall lately. I’m tired. I’m stressed. I’m tired of doing all the cooking and planning. I’m tired of the same old places we eat at. I’m tired of the lunches I pack.

I’ve been meditating quite regularly now. I am really enjoying the 1 Giant Mind app. The bonuses you get when you start keep you going through the initial 12 steps and then the 30 day challenge. I like his approach – allowing you to accept the meditation as it happens – there are no good or bad sessions as any time you do a session it is a good session. And I appreciate the deep rest I get. I do a 15 minute narrated session at least 5 times a week and I try every morning to do a 10 minute session with no narration. The problem I am having is that I can’t figure out if it is better to meditate before or after I exercise. I really REALLY don’t like exercising and I am finding every excuse in the book to not do it. But I know it will help with the stress, the blood pressure, and getting healthy. So why can I not get my arse up and doing something?

I have a new massage therapist who is really good. She has some good information and I now have to fit in her homework as well. Yeah – not going well since really what she wants me to do is exercise. Teehee. I had two sessions within 2 weeks of each other and at the end of this last one, she said see you in two weeks. Seriously – I’m not that rich and my benefits aren’t that good. I know, I know – if I don’t take care of myself, what does it really matter? But seriously, every two weeks – that’s too much for me right now.

There is so much I want to say – I’ve been writing various entries in my head for months, but I seriously have just not wanted to be on my computer at home. I spend so much time at work on the computer that I just don’t want to deal with more computer screens. Of course, this means I don’t talk with friends very much because I’m not on my emails. When I set up my phone, I didn’t want my main account on my phone – but then I was on the computer at least twice a week. I have actually gone full weeks without being on the computer. And it’s not that I don’t think about my friends – I do. And I want to write and tell you the excitement, such that it is, of my life. I just have not had the energy.

This week I had to take Mental Health First Aid training. It’s part of my talent plan at work – the bosses really want me to move into management and this will look good. It was a very interesting course, but also kind of heavy. Do I think I could be diagnosed with some of the disorders? I don’t know. I certainly have signs and symptoms of depression and anxiety, but are they long-term and consistent? I’m not sure. I made a joke at work when I first saw the mental health sign at a colleague’s desk about whether this means he can perform CPR for the soul. He laughed. But in all seriousness, it is a bit heavy to think you are supporting people’s mental health. We learned crisis first aid for suicide, panic attacks, acute stress disorder, and a psychotic episode. Our trainer has lots of personal experience with the various disorders whether because she suffers from these or has friends who do. I feel like I am quite insulated in comparison. I think the big take away was that these are common disorders and in Canada 1 in 3 people will suffer from at least one disorder in their lifetime and 1 in 5 will suffer from a disorder in any given year. As well, sometimes the stigma one puts on oneself is half of the burden.

Which I totally understand – why would I respond to friends when I am feeling so down? When I feel like there is little to tell. I am trying to change this thinking, but it is amazing how one sentence from someone can make you totally feel unsupported. Why would I want to open up and burden other people? Why would I want to waste their time on something that is just internal to me?

The group was really good – very open. Most were from my company, but a few from other companies. We had the Vegas rule, so I can’t talk about what was specifically stated, but it was nice to be included from the very beginning. And it was nice to hear how good it was that I was just trusting the process during one of the activities. Now if I could just do that with my getting healthy plan. Teehee.

Anyway, my holidays are coming up. They are filling up quickly and I am sure I won’t get done all I want to get done. Most of my holidays are being covered by overtime, which is nice. Supposedly, overtime will not really be allowed this year coming up. Not sure how we are supposed to do all the work they are forecasting without overtime, but I guess I’ve been tasked with coming up with that strategy. How do you do the same quality of work more efficiently without affecting your integrity? That’s my dilemma. The big boss wants us to do less in-depth work. But we are being depended on to do that level of work. And once you see a concern, you can’t just ignore it and one concern leads to more questions and then more work. My own integrity says I cannot do lesser quality work. I’m a little stuck on this. But our sister unit is really being affected by stress and I worry that if one of us goes down, it will just roll through the unit. I know how tired I am – I know how much I need/want to do at my own house that I am just too exhausted to do because I gave so much at the office. I guess that is why I won a dependability award – I give so much of myself to work and I know I need to step back. I try to teach people to fish, but I have a hard time not helping them if it appears they are struggling.

Hence the desire to get a new kitty. I need to move my attention away from work. I want to open my heart to a wonderful pet. I asked the universe to provide me when it was ready and oh my – I have four options right now – all female cats, but all different ages. There’s a kitten, a 1.5 year old, a 3.5 year old, and a 7 year old. Two tuxedos, one full black, and a Siamese cross. I am so stuck on who to choose. I thought of getting more than one, but four is a little much. I am really torn on which way to choose. They are all so cute and all deserving of love. Sighhhh…

Anyway, it’s late and I’m exhausted. So more to come later.

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