Dear other woman,
Trust D to find someone who is similar to me back when I was in my twenties. But you are not in your twenties… so there is no excuse for what you’ve done. You call yourself polyamorous, but since when does polyamory mean hiding what you are doing from your significant other and encouraging others to do the same? There is a word for that… it’s called cheating, infidelity, unfaithfulness, adultery. Shall I go on?
What makes it harder I think is that I actually thought you were an interesting person and that we could be friends. I wanted to get to know you and so it hurt more when I discovered what you did. I get the feeling of being lost in the moment and things getting a little heated. But see, I’ve seen your texts. I saw how you acknowledged what you are doing was wrong and I saw you making the decision to do it anyway. I saw you then covering your tracks and encouraging D to do the same. I can’t accept that behavior as lost in the moment - that is not a subconscious, in the moment kind of action. That is consciously planned. And to encourage someone who you know is in a relationship with rules to break those – that is not respect or kindness or decency to yourself or others. Those are not the actions of someone who wants a relationship.
Then you had the nerve to ask us to hide the facts from a friend of ours. I get you wanting to be the first to tell him since he is your significant other, but to then tell D that you were not going to tell your significant other the whole truth. I understand people have different rules for polyamory, but I can’t see a relationship built on a lie being the most stable relationship. Not telling him about all of the events or how long it had been happening makes it seem like you have been actively planning this affair and you are trying to actively hide it. It is certainly not the actions of someone who has determined that they want to live a polyamorous life and are introducing their significant other to this reality. I don’t know what to tell our friend and lucky for you, I haven’t seen him yet. You have put us in the complicated position. We have removed him from our invitations because I just can’t be around you at the moment. And yet *I* felt the guilt of removing him – I’m not sure you were even aware. And then when we all got invited to another friend’s party, you check in with D because you want to make sure I am not feeling awkward about attending. How about awkwardness for D, yourself, your significant other, our friends? Do you think this makes you look like the better person? Do you think this will get you back into D’s bed?
How about you take responsibility for what you did? How about you acknowledge to everyone involved what you actually did and how you actually feel about it? How about you not play the ‘I miss you being my friend’ card? What you did was wrong and there are consequences. You are old enough to know this.
Don’t think I am laying all the blame at your feet. I am aware of what happened and who did what. But this letter is to you. I want you to learn to be a better person and to be honest with yourself, let alone with those in your life. I want you to learn what polyamory is really about and actually decide whether it is for you at this time, rather than using it as an excuse for cheating. I don’t think you approached the affair with the malicious intent to destroy a relationship, but you made decisions that certainly weren’t in anyone’s best interest.
I see so many of my friends who know you and like you. I could have gotten to know you and I think I would have liked you to be a friend. Now, I don’t know if I will ever forget what you did and whether I can ever trust you again. I want to forgive you, though I am not quite there just yet. I’m still dealing with the ramifications of you breaking my trust. It sounds strange to say that since we weren’t friends yet, but I guess I put more of myself into getting to know you than I thought. Sadly, you’re not the first to betray my trust. I am trying hard not to set this up to be distrusting of everyone. I just don’t think I can even start to trust you as long as you are being dishonest to people as well as yourself.
Sincerely,
Me
What makes it harder I think is that I actually thought you were an interesting person and that we could be friends. I wanted to get to know you and so it hurt more when I discovered what you did. I get the feeling of being lost in the moment and things getting a little heated. But see, I’ve seen your texts. I saw how you acknowledged what you are doing was wrong and I saw you making the decision to do it anyway. I saw you then covering your tracks and encouraging D to do the same. I can’t accept that behavior as lost in the moment - that is not a subconscious, in the moment kind of action. That is consciously planned. And to encourage someone who you know is in a relationship with rules to break those – that is not respect or kindness or decency to yourself or others. Those are not the actions of someone who wants a relationship.
Then you had the nerve to ask us to hide the facts from a friend of ours. I get you wanting to be the first to tell him since he is your significant other, but to then tell D that you were not going to tell your significant other the whole truth. I understand people have different rules for polyamory, but I can’t see a relationship built on a lie being the most stable relationship. Not telling him about all of the events or how long it had been happening makes it seem like you have been actively planning this affair and you are trying to actively hide it. It is certainly not the actions of someone who has determined that they want to live a polyamorous life and are introducing their significant other to this reality. I don’t know what to tell our friend and lucky for you, I haven’t seen him yet. You have put us in the complicated position. We have removed him from our invitations because I just can’t be around you at the moment. And yet *I* felt the guilt of removing him – I’m not sure you were even aware. And then when we all got invited to another friend’s party, you check in with D because you want to make sure I am not feeling awkward about attending. How about awkwardness for D, yourself, your significant other, our friends? Do you think this makes you look like the better person? Do you think this will get you back into D’s bed?
How about you take responsibility for what you did? How about you acknowledge to everyone involved what you actually did and how you actually feel about it? How about you not play the ‘I miss you being my friend’ card? What you did was wrong and there are consequences. You are old enough to know this.
Don’t think I am laying all the blame at your feet. I am aware of what happened and who did what. But this letter is to you. I want you to learn to be a better person and to be honest with yourself, let alone with those in your life. I want you to learn what polyamory is really about and actually decide whether it is for you at this time, rather than using it as an excuse for cheating. I don’t think you approached the affair with the malicious intent to destroy a relationship, but you made decisions that certainly weren’t in anyone’s best interest.
I see so many of my friends who know you and like you. I could have gotten to know you and I think I would have liked you to be a friend. Now, I don’t know if I will ever forget what you did and whether I can ever trust you again. I want to forgive you, though I am not quite there just yet. I’m still dealing with the ramifications of you breaking my trust. It sounds strange to say that since we weren’t friends yet, but I guess I put more of myself into getting to know you than I thought. Sadly, you’re not the first to betray my trust. I am trying hard not to set this up to be distrusting of everyone. I just don’t think I can even start to trust you as long as you are being dishonest to people as well as yourself.
Sincerely,
Me
Labels: life
posted by Taryn at 4:59 pm
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