No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
There is the taste of change in the air. I don’t know how much of this is the feeling of spring coming and how much of it is the feeling that the stars are aligning and there are some big changes coming. In Change Behavior Therapy, I am waffling between the Determination stage and the Action stage. I am visualizing some changes and I can feel things are happening, I just can’t see it all yet.
At work, I am in a few competitions in which I am steadily progressing and I have been offered an opportunity for a short term assignment with another department. It was very despondent just a couple months ago when I was working to help a colleague get an assignment out of our unit when I was her competition and then just after I heard the news that some of the higher ups were against assignments, I found out another colleague in the unit got an assignment with another unit. It makes you stop and really consider things. And I did some soul searching and came around to acceptance that I would find the things that make me happy at work and focus on those. And then I was offered an opportunity. I talked with my manager who did some negotiation, but told me I had to wait until she talked to her higher ups. So I waited. She talked to them on Monday. It’s Thursday and she hasn’t mentioned a thing. Seriously?!? One would think you would let me know how it went. Do I need to start planning how to pack up my stuff? Do I need to deal with disappointment? I’m off for the next few days so I am going to try to focus on other topics, but a part of me is constantly wondering – what is going to happen? What do I need to prioritize?
As much as my colleagues in my much smaller unit annoy me sometimes, I still love my job. I just wish it didn’t feel like everyone depended on me. Like I am the only one who knows abc or does xyz. I mean I was off today and I sent a text to the boss to remind her of something she needs to do in relation to a ‘crisis’ yesterday and I get several questions back.
I was away the other day due to illness and missed a meeting I was supposed to lead, so my colleagues had to. Now they had all the info. I had written up all my parts, we had talked through the plan a couple times. It’s not like they didn’t have an opportunity to prepare, but it’s like they didn’t because *I* would be there. So when I wasn’t, they actually said to our clients a couple times that they didn’t know something or couldn’t do something because I wasn’t there. Even if that’s true (which it shouldn’t be by now because I’ve been training them), you still don’t say that. You say – that’s a great question, let us get back to you with an answer. The confidence our clients have in my other colleagues is not high.
I have a coffee cup that says: she was comforted by the knowledge that they were helpless without her. I thought it was ironic and funny. The sad fact is I wonder how helpless they are without me. How do you share your knowledge with people who don’t want it? How do you move on to another unit/department/whatever without worrying about the state of the unit you are leaving? This is my strength and my weakness. When I left my last branch, I made binders listing out how to do all the things I did. I have 10 years in my current branch. I have so much knowledge that is based on experience. I don’t have a fear of trying things. I may hesitate, but curiosity encourages me to try and so I learn what works and doesn’t. I can’t always explain why I am doing something. So how do I write a binder on that? One of the questions my boss asked me was some process that hasn’t changed in 4 years, at least. Why are they asking me these questions still?
It’s frustrating to me. And then I come home and I’m tired. I spend so much of my energy at work trying to help people and I come home exhausted. I was talking to a friend from work yesterday who asked if I had slowed down. That I had been working really hard and she was worried still that I was burning out. How do you answer that question? Am I being more conscious of what is happening? Yes. Do I try to put down lines in the sand? Yes. Do people respect those? No. Do I feel like I’m stressed? Yeah. Do I know I am helping people? Yes.
I think I annoyed someone yesterday because I refused to give her the easy answer. I wanted her to learn how to look at our tools so she could see where the error was. One of the complaints we had from our clients was that our responses to their enquiries are too long and aren’t the response they want. Right – because many of them want us to solve things or make decisions without them having to do the work. And then they will turn around and say they need more training. Here we are trying to train them on a day to day basis and they don’t want to do the work to learn, but when asked what they need, they always say more training.
What about what I need? What I need is to prioritize me. My hobbies. My health. How do I get rid of this knot in my shoulders? How do I stop having headaches? How do I move into Action stage more often? How do I set boundaries and get myself some space? How do I get it so I’m exercising more? Doing the things that excite me?
I need to pick some pictures from the girls’ retreat I did in summer. I am so critical and yet if I am so unhappy, why didn’t I speak up? I had expectations and never felt like I got to express them, which led to pictures that are just ‘ok’ for the most part. There is one that is better than I imagined. But in the others, there are things done that I just don’t like, so do I pick them and try not to notice the same thing every time I see the picture? What is missing for me from the pictures is the drama… I am an intense person. I know it. I respect it. I own it. These pictures don’t capture that. I feel like they don’t capture my essence. Which makes me wonder then if my friend who took the pictures doesn’t see that in me or doesn’t know how to bring it out or... I don’t know. I don’t think I hide my intensity (I don’t know that I actually can).
I’m learning things though. Like the event with the other woman didn’t cripple me like it might have in the past. I’m proud that I was willing to trust someone new. That when I felt betrayed, I didn’t let it keep me down for as long as it could have. I focused on what I wanted and I was vocal about it. I shared my thoughts on her with all of you because I want to move past it, forgive her and move on. I felt that by keeping it all quiet, I was doing more harm to myself. Goodness knows, if she thinks I’m going to stay quiet about my thoughts, surprise –not going to. I don’t need to tell everyone what happened; it really isn’t everyone’s business. I just don’t need to keep quiet if I don’t want to. Like I said, I am working towards the Action stage, which means things start happening and changing. And some people may not like the changes.
These are some of my constant thoughts. Some of the things I am working through and moving towards. I just feel like this year has some big changes coming and I want to be a part of those changes. So let’s see where this goes.
At work, I am in a few competitions in which I am steadily progressing and I have been offered an opportunity for a short term assignment with another department. It was very despondent just a couple months ago when I was working to help a colleague get an assignment out of our unit when I was her competition and then just after I heard the news that some of the higher ups were against assignments, I found out another colleague in the unit got an assignment with another unit. It makes you stop and really consider things. And I did some soul searching and came around to acceptance that I would find the things that make me happy at work and focus on those. And then I was offered an opportunity. I talked with my manager who did some negotiation, but told me I had to wait until she talked to her higher ups. So I waited. She talked to them on Monday. It’s Thursday and she hasn’t mentioned a thing. Seriously?!? One would think you would let me know how it went. Do I need to start planning how to pack up my stuff? Do I need to deal with disappointment? I’m off for the next few days so I am going to try to focus on other topics, but a part of me is constantly wondering – what is going to happen? What do I need to prioritize?
As much as my colleagues in my much smaller unit annoy me sometimes, I still love my job. I just wish it didn’t feel like everyone depended on me. Like I am the only one who knows abc or does xyz. I mean I was off today and I sent a text to the boss to remind her of something she needs to do in relation to a ‘crisis’ yesterday and I get several questions back.
I was away the other day due to illness and missed a meeting I was supposed to lead, so my colleagues had to. Now they had all the info. I had written up all my parts, we had talked through the plan a couple times. It’s not like they didn’t have an opportunity to prepare, but it’s like they didn’t because *I* would be there. So when I wasn’t, they actually said to our clients a couple times that they didn’t know something or couldn’t do something because I wasn’t there. Even if that’s true (which it shouldn’t be by now because I’ve been training them), you still don’t say that. You say – that’s a great question, let us get back to you with an answer. The confidence our clients have in my other colleagues is not high.
I have a coffee cup that says: she was comforted by the knowledge that they were helpless without her. I thought it was ironic and funny. The sad fact is I wonder how helpless they are without me. How do you share your knowledge with people who don’t want it? How do you move on to another unit/department/whatever without worrying about the state of the unit you are leaving? This is my strength and my weakness. When I left my last branch, I made binders listing out how to do all the things I did. I have 10 years in my current branch. I have so much knowledge that is based on experience. I don’t have a fear of trying things. I may hesitate, but curiosity encourages me to try and so I learn what works and doesn’t. I can’t always explain why I am doing something. So how do I write a binder on that? One of the questions my boss asked me was some process that hasn’t changed in 4 years, at least. Why are they asking me these questions still?
It’s frustrating to me. And then I come home and I’m tired. I spend so much of my energy at work trying to help people and I come home exhausted. I was talking to a friend from work yesterday who asked if I had slowed down. That I had been working really hard and she was worried still that I was burning out. How do you answer that question? Am I being more conscious of what is happening? Yes. Do I try to put down lines in the sand? Yes. Do people respect those? No. Do I feel like I’m stressed? Yeah. Do I know I am helping people? Yes.
I think I annoyed someone yesterday because I refused to give her the easy answer. I wanted her to learn how to look at our tools so she could see where the error was. One of the complaints we had from our clients was that our responses to their enquiries are too long and aren’t the response they want. Right – because many of them want us to solve things or make decisions without them having to do the work. And then they will turn around and say they need more training. Here we are trying to train them on a day to day basis and they don’t want to do the work to learn, but when asked what they need, they always say more training.
What about what I need? What I need is to prioritize me. My hobbies. My health. How do I get rid of this knot in my shoulders? How do I stop having headaches? How do I move into Action stage more often? How do I set boundaries and get myself some space? How do I get it so I’m exercising more? Doing the things that excite me?
I need to pick some pictures from the girls’ retreat I did in summer. I am so critical and yet if I am so unhappy, why didn’t I speak up? I had expectations and never felt like I got to express them, which led to pictures that are just ‘ok’ for the most part. There is one that is better than I imagined. But in the others, there are things done that I just don’t like, so do I pick them and try not to notice the same thing every time I see the picture? What is missing for me from the pictures is the drama… I am an intense person. I know it. I respect it. I own it. These pictures don’t capture that. I feel like they don’t capture my essence. Which makes me wonder then if my friend who took the pictures doesn’t see that in me or doesn’t know how to bring it out or... I don’t know. I don’t think I hide my intensity (I don’t know that I actually can).
I’m learning things though. Like the event with the other woman didn’t cripple me like it might have in the past. I’m proud that I was willing to trust someone new. That when I felt betrayed, I didn’t let it keep me down for as long as it could have. I focused on what I wanted and I was vocal about it. I shared my thoughts on her with all of you because I want to move past it, forgive her and move on. I felt that by keeping it all quiet, I was doing more harm to myself. Goodness knows, if she thinks I’m going to stay quiet about my thoughts, surprise –not going to. I don’t need to tell everyone what happened; it really isn’t everyone’s business. I just don’t need to keep quiet if I don’t want to. Like I said, I am working towards the Action stage, which means things start happening and changing. And some people may not like the changes.
These are some of my constant thoughts. Some of the things I am working through and moving towards. I just feel like this year has some big changes coming and I want to be a part of those changes. So let’s see where this goes.
Labels: life
posted by Taryn at 5:10 pm
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