I saw the light fade from the sky...
It’s the little things you miss the most. Seeing her run toward me when I come in the door. Hearing her make comments on my singing. Cuddling with her in the evening as we watch some random show.
It’s the little things that make your heart stutter when you suddenly remember. Seeing something on the floor and going to pick it up before she can get it. Noticing the time and thinking you have to be home right away for dinner time. Looking out the front window and about to apologize for waking her up. Playing a song and realizing that is one of the songs she always wanted to dance to. Thinking you heard her coming up beside you and going to pet her.
Today I packed all her stuff up – separating it into donations and garbage. Emptying her litter bin and tossing it. Washing stuff before donating. Figuring out what to put in the cupboards that have been hers since we moved in. I’m not trying to erase her from my life, but there is no need to have some of the reminders staring me in the face.
I keep trying to do things without dwelling on my thoughts. It’s amazing how life just keeps going even though you see it through a fog of despair. As much fun as we have tried to have, she is never far from my thoughts. I have to keep reminding myself the right decision was made. I did not neglect her and she knew I loved her always. It’s amazing how the guilt tries to scurry in when you aren’t paying attention. Even when it has no basis in reality, there is just some part of me that keeps wondering if I did everything I could.
I’m supposed to be thinking of what I want to do with work and really, I just can’t care less right now. It’s not really a ‘life-work balance’ kind of thinking. It’s more of a why does it matter when my heart breaks anew each day kind of thinking.
I know I need to do stuff around the yard, but whatever – there’s no little face in the window happy to see me. I should work on character stuff, but all I can think of is how she came down to say hi on Sunday and then went back upstairs because I was still working on it.
I’m glad she gave me heck for thinking of going to work on Saturday. I am glad we spent the day together – just hanging out. I just wish there had been more time, more cuddles, more purring, more love.
It’s the little things that make your heart stutter when you suddenly remember. Seeing something on the floor and going to pick it up before she can get it. Noticing the time and thinking you have to be home right away for dinner time. Looking out the front window and about to apologize for waking her up. Playing a song and realizing that is one of the songs she always wanted to dance to. Thinking you heard her coming up beside you and going to pet her.
Today I packed all her stuff up – separating it into donations and garbage. Emptying her litter bin and tossing it. Washing stuff before donating. Figuring out what to put in the cupboards that have been hers since we moved in. I’m not trying to erase her from my life, but there is no need to have some of the reminders staring me in the face.
I keep trying to do things without dwelling on my thoughts. It’s amazing how life just keeps going even though you see it through a fog of despair. As much fun as we have tried to have, she is never far from my thoughts. I have to keep reminding myself the right decision was made. I did not neglect her and she knew I loved her always. It’s amazing how the guilt tries to scurry in when you aren’t paying attention. Even when it has no basis in reality, there is just some part of me that keeps wondering if I did everything I could.
I’m supposed to be thinking of what I want to do with work and really, I just can’t care less right now. It’s not really a ‘life-work balance’ kind of thinking. It’s more of a why does it matter when my heart breaks anew each day kind of thinking.
I know I need to do stuff around the yard, but whatever – there’s no little face in the window happy to see me. I should work on character stuff, but all I can think of is how she came down to say hi on Sunday and then went back upstairs because I was still working on it.
I’m glad she gave me heck for thinking of going to work on Saturday. I am glad we spent the day together – just hanging out. I just wish there had been more time, more cuddles, more purring, more love.
Labels: life
posted by Taryn at 6:02 pm
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