I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife - Hozier
First day of holidays today. Instead of spending the day sleeping like I really wanted to, I was awake at 7am debating with myself about whether I should go into work or not. After an hour of debate, I realized I was getting no sleep, so got up. I managed to convince myself not to go, but as soon as I realized that, I back tracked. No I had to go. I need to submit in my overtime hours. I need to submit my receipts for travel. I need to do those reviews I didn’t finish. I need to help out my peeps and do as much as I can. I tried taking my time – even took the time to organize all of my work and write up a to do list. And then I grabbed all of my stuff and was getting ready to go when my cat gave me the most pitiful meow and I dropped it all. Something is wrong with my cat and she desperately missed me this last week while I was traveling for work. How could I put my work first again? So instead I petted her for a while, then cleaned some, then petted her some more. Then I figured I’d catch up on my websites while she sleeps at my feet.
I am so tired. I am so mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. This week was just the culmination of stress. And you know, I hope my colleagues were just expressing their jealousy about my holidays, but constantly saying how I am in vacation mode and how I am not even thinking about work when I am working my arse off and trying to keep the mood in the room high and keep us on schedule – it’s disrespectful and hurtful and adds even more stress. I don’t need that shit. I get that I am off for two weeks. I get that means I am not there to do the work and keep morale up, but honestly, I need some time off. I deserve some time off. And my boss is going on how I can’t expect people to do things at my pace (I never have) and that people are at different levels in the unit (duh – I am quite aware of that). At the same time, I am expected to keep working at ‘super-woman’ pace, doing everything I can possibly can to make everyone’s lives easier. I am only human. I get tired. I can’t keep doing 12-15 hours of overtime every week and keep the same energy level.
I have a dilemma going through my head as well. I was offered a chance to do similar work for a different unit. In theory, since I would need to learn the program they are working on, it would probably mean less stress for me. I would have team members in my office, not all virtual. My worry – I know the person who did the job last. She was more stressed than I am. She put in even more hours and it was expected. I asked for an extension in light of my workload and needing time to think. They said no. So I had to add that to my list of things to do. Why? Because I don’t know what I want to do yet. I don’t want to close the door just yet.
So I mentioned it to my boss – who was shocked. She mentioned they are working on some plans for me. She’ll support me if I want to go, but she would like me to stay. We discussed where I could go from here. And she wants me to spend some time thinking about where I want to go. Do I want to follow the natural progression of my current job? Level up, in gamer speak, to become even more focused at what I do. Or do I want to look towards management? The boss honestly thinks I could go either way. The story of my life – the well-rounded person – which really means I have so many options it is paralyzing.
The other frustrating thing about work – the people in my unit are more stressed than I am. And for some reason they are feeding off of each other. I actually had to get involved and say stop it, give more to me. Just so one person would stop spiraling. I have no idea if my words helped the other person, but I pretty much just put my foot down. Why discuss things round and round when the decision was already made and it doesn’t really matter? We have one that is depressed and not liking the job anymore. We have two new people who have started in the middle of two different tight timelines and have had no training. Then we have one who will be so good, but needs to stop comparing herself to me.
And then we have the one spiraling. I can’t tell if she is trying to emulate me or she has even higher expectations for herself than I do for myself. Plus she totally gets sucked into the negativity of the other office (even when she is hundreds of kilometers away). And she is all she can’t control the other people. I am sorry – since when can we control other people? We can motivate, encourage, and support, but we can’t control. She was the site lead for the other office and it just dissolved into negativity. Is that a reflection on her? Not necessarily.
I was site lead for my office and the people there are fabulous. Did they have moments of defeatism? Yes. But I responded with sincerity and honesty. I made promises that I could keep. They responded to that sincerity. I have shown them that I care. I have made that effort. Does she do that? I know the boss has said she wants to develop a better relationship in that office, something closer to what I have in my office. It just means reaching out, being supportive when you can, being a cheerleader or a hug. I make an effort when I go to different offices to stop by and say hi and talk to people. I want to be accessible. That comes with a cost for an empathic introvert like me, but if I can help people, then I will.
So I am having a hard problem just letting work go. I think part of it is there are things at work I can control and affect. My kitty is not feeling well and I have no idea what is wrong or what to do. I just know something is wrong. She’s not herself and I worry. Her blood tests and urinalysis show nothing to really worry about. But something is wrong.
I worry about what all this stress is doing to me. And I wonder what to do about it. When I get together with people I either can’t stop talking and I talk so fast lately or I just want them to talk about themselves so I stop thinking about what is going on in my life.
I had a couple friends reach out, which I truly do appreciate. It’s nice knowing that I am loved and someone cares. Thank you!
Anyway, I should try taking a nap or making dinner. There’s more cleaning to do and more petting of the cat.
I am so tired. I am so mentally, physically, and emotionally tired. This week was just the culmination of stress. And you know, I hope my colleagues were just expressing their jealousy about my holidays, but constantly saying how I am in vacation mode and how I am not even thinking about work when I am working my arse off and trying to keep the mood in the room high and keep us on schedule – it’s disrespectful and hurtful and adds even more stress. I don’t need that shit. I get that I am off for two weeks. I get that means I am not there to do the work and keep morale up, but honestly, I need some time off. I deserve some time off. And my boss is going on how I can’t expect people to do things at my pace (I never have) and that people are at different levels in the unit (duh – I am quite aware of that). At the same time, I am expected to keep working at ‘super-woman’ pace, doing everything I can possibly can to make everyone’s lives easier. I am only human. I get tired. I can’t keep doing 12-15 hours of overtime every week and keep the same energy level.
I have a dilemma going through my head as well. I was offered a chance to do similar work for a different unit. In theory, since I would need to learn the program they are working on, it would probably mean less stress for me. I would have team members in my office, not all virtual. My worry – I know the person who did the job last. She was more stressed than I am. She put in even more hours and it was expected. I asked for an extension in light of my workload and needing time to think. They said no. So I had to add that to my list of things to do. Why? Because I don’t know what I want to do yet. I don’t want to close the door just yet.
So I mentioned it to my boss – who was shocked. She mentioned they are working on some plans for me. She’ll support me if I want to go, but she would like me to stay. We discussed where I could go from here. And she wants me to spend some time thinking about where I want to go. Do I want to follow the natural progression of my current job? Level up, in gamer speak, to become even more focused at what I do. Or do I want to look towards management? The boss honestly thinks I could go either way. The story of my life – the well-rounded person – which really means I have so many options it is paralyzing.
The other frustrating thing about work – the people in my unit are more stressed than I am. And for some reason they are feeding off of each other. I actually had to get involved and say stop it, give more to me. Just so one person would stop spiraling. I have no idea if my words helped the other person, but I pretty much just put my foot down. Why discuss things round and round when the decision was already made and it doesn’t really matter? We have one that is depressed and not liking the job anymore. We have two new people who have started in the middle of two different tight timelines and have had no training. Then we have one who will be so good, but needs to stop comparing herself to me.
And then we have the one spiraling. I can’t tell if she is trying to emulate me or she has even higher expectations for herself than I do for myself. Plus she totally gets sucked into the negativity of the other office (even when she is hundreds of kilometers away). And she is all she can’t control the other people. I am sorry – since when can we control other people? We can motivate, encourage, and support, but we can’t control. She was the site lead for the other office and it just dissolved into negativity. Is that a reflection on her? Not necessarily.
I was site lead for my office and the people there are fabulous. Did they have moments of defeatism? Yes. But I responded with sincerity and honesty. I made promises that I could keep. They responded to that sincerity. I have shown them that I care. I have made that effort. Does she do that? I know the boss has said she wants to develop a better relationship in that office, something closer to what I have in my office. It just means reaching out, being supportive when you can, being a cheerleader or a hug. I make an effort when I go to different offices to stop by and say hi and talk to people. I want to be accessible. That comes with a cost for an empathic introvert like me, but if I can help people, then I will.
So I am having a hard problem just letting work go. I think part of it is there are things at work I can control and affect. My kitty is not feeling well and I have no idea what is wrong or what to do. I just know something is wrong. She’s not herself and I worry. Her blood tests and urinalysis show nothing to really worry about. But something is wrong.
I worry about what all this stress is doing to me. And I wonder what to do about it. When I get together with people I either can’t stop talking and I talk so fast lately or I just want them to talk about themselves so I stop thinking about what is going on in my life.
I had a couple friends reach out, which I truly do appreciate. It’s nice knowing that I am loved and someone cares. Thank you!
Anyway, I should try taking a nap or making dinner. There’s more cleaning to do and more petting of the cat.
Labels: life
posted by Taryn at 4:22 pm
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