I know I’ll be alright, but I’m not tonight – Finneas ‘I I Lost a Friend’

 How can one be filled with so much energy and such ennui at the same time?  It’s like I want to do something – hobby, writing, cleaning – and yet at the same time, my head is like There is so much to do - where do we start?  I’m paralyzed with the inability to make a decision.  So do I spend time playing mindless games, mindless surfing, or do I force myself to do something or do I make a list with all the things I want to do so I can at least have something in front of me to pick? 

 

How can one be filled with such humour and sadness at the same time?  It’s like I want to do talk and tell stories and make people laugh and yet at the same time, my head is like What’s the point?  It’s all just a waste right now.  So I have to be careful that my humour is on point and not too dry or sharp. 

 

I was doing so well this week – lots to do and I was getting things done.  Then the little things started to bother me – like the two people at work who asked me the same question every time we talked – like suddenly I’m no longer trustworthy, that I wouldn’t keep them updated, and that I didn’t see how important and time sensitive the task was.  Honestly – most of my job is hurry up and wait.  I get my stuff done and pass it to the next person for their input and then I wait.  I can’t force someone to move faster.  I can’t help it if they are waiting for someone else to respond.  I can’t be blamed if their computer dies and it takes a week to recover the data, adding a week to the time they need. 

 

I should have recognized the signs – probably should have seen the leak in my bucket.  Alas, I missed it all and partway through today, my mood just plummeted.  I’m not in the depths of despair, but I am certainly not as energetic or happy as I was earlier this week.  I’m just sad.

 

And maybe it’s because I just finished another book in one of my series… and it was just so sweet.  Maybe it’s that it’s been 22 days since I’ve left the house (except for one day when I walked around half of the block).  Maybe it’s because I’m missing my friends.  Maybe it’s because in the last week I got to chat with a couple friends and now I’m missing them more.

 

Maybe it’s because my mood has been so up and I’ve felt confident and sexy and happy.  I got kudos at work from a couple of people and got told I was a high performer.  I learned how to do a couple new things in one of the programs we use – always cool to learn new tricks.  Maybe I was just riding high for too long…

 

Get a little wild

Get a little high

Kiss a hundred boys and

Not feel like I'm tied to them – Sam Smith ‘Young’

 

Anyway, I’m just sad today.  I guess it is apropos to feel such on Mental Health Day.