I wish I was kissing you instead of missing you. – The Darkest Torment Gena Showalter

So many moments I have wanted to write an entry and then the time flies by and it’s time to do something else.

Let me tell you what has been in my thoughts these few weeks of 2017.

Why has no one done anything about the new president of the states? Why am I so shocked and dismayed that no one has done anything? I should know to be disappointed; I guess I just thought someone in that country would do something, prove something, prevent the whole thing from going down.

I LOVE the memes of Obama and Biden and then the few with Michelle. I have come to appreciate the honesty and humor of Trevor Noah. I am very thankful I am not on Twitter because I can’t stand the fact that the states is being run by 140 characters or less.

At a stress workshop we took this week, the facilitator read us a poem about letting go. It is a lovely poem. That being said, by line two, I had decided this was all about a person on their death bed, because I honestly cannot imagine it is just that easy. I then shared why thought at the end with a comment of “… and then she died.” It got a lot of laughs and a few dirty looks. I ended up playing the class clown in the session – not sure how that happened, but I’m guessing it’s because while I was excited for the session earlier in the week, by that morning, I was not all that enthused anymore.

Another thing the facilitator talked about was the cycle of stress – there is a stressor, then a response, then we recover, and then a new stressor. She mentioned about stress creep – where it is insidious and you don’t notice it as much. Then she talked about our recovery period being like we are dipping into a well. Lots of people liked the image of a well. Not me. You guess it, my brain went dark – well collapse, they get poisoned, they get sludge in the bottom and slowly fill, but you never notice because the top looks the same. This is how I feel about my recovery well – I believe it looks like it quite full most of the time, but what people aren’t seeing is that the bottom of my recovery well is full of sludge which is not helping recover from stress. The things that used to fill my well (inner strength and beliefs – like the water table – and rain (external factors)) don’t work as well when the bottom is full of sludge. She talked about the scale which goes from green, to yellow, to orange, to red. Burnout happens in the red. I tried to ask what happens when your normal is in the yellow to orange range as well as how many symptoms can you check on the burnout table before you should worry, but she never really answered.

Am I heading toward burnout? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am mentally exhausted, I am tired, I am not recovering as fast as I used to, I am lonely, I am depressed, I am frustrated and less patient, and I am not handling things as good as I want to. I feel a bit lost and uncertain of what I want to do in my life and at work. I feel incompetent and yet, no one else seems to think I am. My boss had glowing praise for my skills. Am I the only one who sees how far behind I am falling?

So what am I going to do about it? I honestly don’t know. I have decided that I need to stop putting things aside. I want to do some colouring and I bought some coloring books, but then I was like I can’t colour in the books – they are so pretty. Where the heck did that thought sudden come from? I still can’t find my crayons and old colouring books. I haven’t knitted in months though the yarn taunts me. I am behind over a year in my three magazines and almost two years in a fourth. I should exercise but I am so tired and sore that it pains me to think about it.

I did get a new phone and gave myself a new ipad. These have turned into wonderful time wasters. I bought myself a new fitbit because my last one died. This one buzzes when you have not moved at least 250 steps in an hour. Guess who has it buzz several times a day and ignores it? In fact, according to the new fitbit, my goal for steps should be 6500. Wow – I remember when it was 10K.

It’s funny – I was had so many things I wanted to talk to a friend of mine about on Wednesday, but then when we got together, I didn’t feel the need to talk about it anymore. We were having fun and I didn’t want to ruin it or I didn’t think any of it was important. Except that it is important and the next morning when I got not enough sleep, my head was in a dark place and I probably should have talked about it. But I feel like I say the same things over and over now. The biggest question I really have is why am I self-sabotaging? Why can’t I do the things that would make me happier, that would calm me, that would make me healthier? I am seriously so sore and tense and I need to do some yoga, I need to move, I need to relax. I am so exhausted and I know doing a few things would take me out of the exhaustion – would remove some sludge and fill my well. I don’t want my new normal to be high stress. I don’t want it to be exhaustion. I don’t want it to be not being happy. So how do I kick my own arse? How do I take that first step… and keep going? I’m good at taking the first step and then I falter so quickly.

Yeah – that’s where I am at right now. And since I am exhausted and my fitbit is going to buzz soon again, I am going to make dinner and settle down for a night of a couple movies. If I’m not completely lazy, perhaps I’ll read some magazines and do some colouring.

I’m not saying you’re stupid; I’m just saying you’ve got bad luck when it comes to thinking.

You have no idea how many times I have started an entry and then abandoned it, how many times I wanted to lay it all out and then stopped, how many times I have cursed and cried and struggled and then decided I didn’t have the energy to deal with it all. So instead I have been filling my time with other stuff. Some of it has been utterly great – spending time with friends, getting to know some new people better as they become friends, appreciating what I have, and living. Some of it has been distraction techniques – apps, moving snow into the areas that get sunshine and away from the house, more apps, reading, and trying to catch up on shows. And some of it has been utter stress and chaos – travelling so much for work, trying to catch up on being away so much, unpacking and repacking, cleaning up dumping zones, trying to organize for renovations, and dealing with other events around me. This does not mean there hasn’t been time for thinking. Goodness no matter how busy I am there is always time to think. And if I don’t think during the day, then my dreams are very intense. And it is interesting sometimes what I think about. It is also sometimes sad and disappointing and frustrating and scream-inducing.


It’s been 5 months since the event and part of me is pissed off that I am not completely over this already. The effect of this one person’s selfish act is still evident in my life and they don’t deserve that. I don’t care if they were in my life for years, that one act has undone so much and they are not worthy. And the ripple effect certainly is not something they deserve, but it has happened. And so in the back of my mind, I dwell. I watch what I say around certain people because I don’t know if it will get out. I have lowered my trust of several people and I feel like I have to lie to others because I don’t want this bitterness that has been wrought and it’s not me. And yet, I can’t quite get rid of it. I want to rail against the injustice done, I want to spew the festering cuss words and I don’t want to have to not trust people whom I thought were friends. There has been no contact with this person since then and I have never shared my viewpoints, feelings, hurts. I honestly don’t know how I will react and there is a good chance that someday I will be in this person’s presence. For goodness sake, we were supposed friends for years for a reason – we shared interests and have similar circles of friends. But of course, I don’t know if these are similar circles of friends anymore. According to this one person, I can’t trust anyone.


So what to do? How do I move farther from this? How do I stop expending energy on someone who just isn’t worthy? How do I trust people again? Do I say to heck with that group of friends? Do I explain to some of these people why I can’t trust them? Do I become a bitch and just let it all spew out?


Okay – let’s do what I normally do for now and focus on the happier things in my life. My youngest niece turned one in February and goodness she is just the cutest thing. And it is amazing watching my brother turn into such an awesome father. And my parents are so enjoying being grandparents. And my oldest niece will be 11 this year and she is a fascinating young lady. She is at the age of dolls and so when she spent the afternoon with me, we went over to Toys R Us and shopped for Monster High Dolls and then came back to my house to watch a Monster High video while we played with the Monster High Dolls. And then we played Dance Central, one of my favorite new games. It was sad when she had to leave and there are days when I wish she lived closer.


And I have spent time with some wonderful people, talking, playing video games and board games, and going for dinners. Three out of the four work trips I have had this year so far have been spent with various groups from work. It has been great getting to know some of these people better, to reconnect with others, and meet new people. The first trip I was alone, but still managed to arrange a dinner with a colleague who I interact with primarily virtually. Afterwards, she gave me a tour of the city as I had been mostly limited to just a couple neighborhoods. It’s amazing how the after work events can make even the dullest of work days more enjoyable.


And of course, I have continued to do my yoga and get massages. I have joined a walking event that runs for a few weeks. Hopefully, this will encourage me to do some more walking. And who knows what I will do after that. Yoga ends at the end of this month, the walking event ends in June, and then it is holiday time and hopefully, renovations will be underway. It’s going to be a good year. Despite the mulling in my head and stuff, I am optimistic about things. And that’s what I need to keep focusing on.

I'm not bossy. I'm just right.

Nicked this video from a friend (Alfred Lives Here). It is amazing how a less than two minutes video can show how love starts and blossoms between two people.


I had so many controversial topics I wanted to say last week, but this week just drained me. So did the massage, but more about that later. I had wanted to comment on the reserve whose members are living in third world conditions and are expecting the governments to come and do something. Here is a brief summary of my thoughts: I know the papers only show one side. I know there are several people posting articles about how horrible things are and the people are justified in their demands. I still have a problem with this situation. A page later is an article about how the chiefs don’t want to release the salaries they earn. And what?!? We are not supposed to figure out how these are related. I am not supposed to know from other articles that there are chiefs who are earning 6 digits in salary while their members live in sub-par housing. I don’t understand why the government has to get involved. A lot of funds go to the reserves from different levels and departments of the government. Why aren’t these funds being used to fix the housing? You don’t see the government stepping in and saving a person living in a rundown house in Edmonton or Gunn. Why aren’t the members holding their chiefs accountable? Why aren’t they demanding the chiefs provide them with better housing? Why aren’t they taking responsibility? It just frustrates me. I dislike people who use excuses rather than taking responsibility for their lives and doing something about it. We all have choices. Start choosing to take action and stop blaming and complaining. Demand to see the books, follow the money, start questioning.

So my b-day has come and passed and I had a good weekend. The Friday before I had my first ever professional massage and I feel bad, but it was just okay. I went for a therapeutic massage, not a relaxing massage. It was good, but other than some achiness, I didn’t notice a difference. Then Saturday, I wanted to go shopping, but not alone, so since that didn’t happen, I stayed home and cleaned and organized and it made me feel really good. I had the girls over in the evening and we sat around and chatted. Would have been nice to play games, but there were lots of good conversations and it was a nice mix of friends. Then Sunday was over to my parents so I could have cake and ice cream and get presents. Whoot! Monday was shopping (unfortunately for most practical stuff, though I did buy a smaller size pant) and then dinner out at Kelseys. Kelseys has definitely improved since our last voyage there. The service was much better; the menu has improved and has an enlightened section for those of us counting calories. Plus it was Monday so appetizers were buy one get one free, so D and I each had a warm soup and then our dinner. Aside from there being very little in the way of steamed veggies, it was delicious. I did not have dessert since I had leftover cheesecake from Saturday.

Friday I had my follow-up massage and after spending some time on my back, he had me turn over so he could work on the front shoulders. Let me just say – OWWWWW!!! I had marks on my neck by the end and while he said my muscles felt looser, all I could feel was the ache. I used ice Friday night and no one has been able to touch my shoulders since. OMG! I can’t even tell if it did any good because it hurts so much. I think I need a relaxing one just to calm the muscles, except I don’t want anyone to touch me. Very annoying. Hopefully the pain will fade soon and I can see what state I am in.

And yes, I did say ‘he’ for my masseuse. A little disconcerting, but he has been quite nice, letting me know what we are doing and giving me tips and stuff. Is he the best massage I have ever had? No, I do hold true that Mr. H was still better. D gives more of a relaxing massage, so that is a different feel. But hey, if it helps with the stress and the headaches and such, then it’s worth trying.

Work is frustrating on so many levels and I am so uninterested in it. My unit is just so messed up and there are more changes coming in the new year and talk about downsizing and a new manager. Oh goodness, I am hoping the rumors are wrong on that one – the person they are suggesting for a manager has no clue what we do. It would be nice to have someone who has some knowledge, but then again, the people who do have knowledge scare the crap out of me as well as they are micro-managers. That is what makes things so tough. Having a set of people who act like they are your bosses, when they aren’t. I have a boss, thank you, and I only need one.

Funny story – one of the big, big wigs came by to meet everyone and our team met with him after my old team. Well, I guess my old team brought me up and how they wanted me back. When I introduced myself, he said “oh, you’re that person.” Nothing like the big wigs knowing who you are… ack! It was really flattering, but also a little nerve-wracking.

Annoying story – the disadvantage to leaving the unit is now I have become the scapegoat for some people. I mean honestly, some of these people I had to train and clean up a lot after them. And now, when there are screw ups, I get blamed. What really pissed me off is the paperwork is completely missing to support these accusations – convenient. Though really it backs me up, but goodness knows, that is not how the story is being told.

I keep thinking I am almost done Christmas and then I find another present I haven’t completed. Sighhhh… Technically I am down to 3 presents. Two I have to pick up the gift certificates (what else do you get grandmothers!?!) The other is half done and I am kinda stuck on what else to get. I think I have an idea, but now I have to find it at the price I want at a location close to where I work/live. That could be difficult. Once those are done, then I am done. I sat down yesterday and did 99% of the Christmas cards. Whoot! Those just need addresses and then I can mail them. Then I have to start planning the Christmas Eve party - what to make this year? Ack - I have no ideas right now. I need to come up with the big supper idea soon! I have to wrap the presents and send off the few that are out of the city. And I bought several b-day presents! Whoot! I am so good. Teehee. Oh yeah – and I need to do baking yet.

D is currently managing two stores, so is super busy; so I should have lots of alone time to get stuff done.

I am completely in love with Adele. Mostly her album 21, but a few from 19 are also good. I also am in love Glee’s renditions of her songs. Wow! And the new Evanescence album is fantastic. I have actually found quite a few new albums I love. And of course a couple greatest hits for bands from the past that I still love. I know I am such a music whore. I like just about any kind of music, though my tolerance for thrash and old country is very limited.

Anyway, I have more to write about, but we are doing a glucose curve for my poor kitty, so of to draw some blood.

Cause you feel like paradise and I need a vacation tonight!

Oh yeah, you know it – Britney is in the house! And I am loving the album. It is a fun, night out on the town, kind of album. People are complaining about this. They wanted depth. Um, really? From Britney? Firstly, when someone has gone through some crap in their life (brought on by themselves or otherwise), sometimes you don’t’ want to delve into the depths of analysis. Sometimes you just want to have some fun. Secondly, Britney is often at her best when she is just having some fun. So give the girl a break. And goodness knows, I love the line above… because I so understand it. Don’t we all need a vacation with someone who feels like paradise? I know, I do! Heehee.

Other than that, I have given into the need for assistance with my weight loss journey. My doctor is part of the Primary Care Network (PCN) and they have a weight loss program that takes all of the lifestyle parts of the Weight Wise program, but none of the extremism or surgery expectations. So far so good, right? When they called back in November, the lady I talked to sounded so supportive and when I said I work during the day, she said they would be running night classes and she would call back in December to let me know when. She never called and in my cleaning frenzy, I put the number somewhere safe and promptly forgot where it was. I found it a couple of weeks ago and they called again 3 days later. It took a week of phone tag (where I did most of the tagging) and I finally talked to the same lady I spoke with before on Friday. Except obviously, she must have been new before because her attitude now stunk. Suddenly, they don’t do night time classes. And the next class was Monday and the next was the beginning of May. And the time sucks – 9:30 to noon. Really?!? No use going to work in the morning, I would get about 45 minutes of work and then I would have to go. I didn’t feel like going back for 3 hours in the afternoon, so I used my accumulated overtime to attend. The class was the intro class and it was good. Very informative and the nurse doing the presentation sounded like she cared. AND she wasn’t wafer thin, so she has been there; she understands. The only problem was one of the attendees who showed up 25 minutes late and the proceeded to answer all the questions and make it all about her. Okay, so she missed the beginning where we kinda set some norms, but hey honey, if you are so interested in this, then how about investing in a clock and then taking some time to get a feel of the room before you blurt out your crap? And after half of the session is over, perhaps you will have noticed, no one else is making it about them. The nurse mentioned several times we are all different and we would have individual appointments with a nurse – so stop talking! And then I had to deal with the phone lady again to book an appointment. As I stood in line, I heard her making the appointments and the first person got a 2:30pm appointment and I am thinking yes, I will be able to put in a couple of extra hours on other days, so I can leave early for my appointment, no using my overtime. When I get up there and ask for a late afternoon appointment, I am told the latest they do is 1pm. Seriously?!? I am not deaf… Sighhhh. So that means I would have to leave at about noon from work and then take off extra time because I am not going back for 45 minutes of work. Arghhhhh! I understand we need to put effort in to this, but how about working with your clients? Many of us work and with your hours being 8 to 4:30 Monday to Friday, that kinda limits things. So we will see how things go. Our first activity is food journaling… sighhhhh. Maybe I won’t need it. The stress at work has gone down; summer is here, so I can get out and do stuff; and I have been gathering the energy to kick me own arse for awhile now. Maybe this class will be all I need to get moving again. But we will see how the first appointment goes and go from there.

Aside from that, so many things I wanted to talk about, but frankly, it is hard to care about it all. Harper is an idiot again and we have to have an election again in retaliation. Actually, it is not even Harper that is the idiot – I am disappointed with all of them – Layton for working with Harper and then going over to Iggy’s side, Iggy for… well, breathing – I so don’t like him, and Gilles because dude you are only in one province, you shouldn’t be in the debates or even someone to consider – although he does speak really well.

A flower shop in New Brunswick has refused to provide service when she found out the request was for a same-sex marriage. And the owner wrote in an email stating: “I am choosing to decline your business. As a born-again Christian, I must respect my conscience before God and have no part in this matter.” While you have to admire her honestly, one does have to ask her intelligence. You aren’t supposed to deny anyone service due to prejudice and that is blatantly what this is. Plus did you really think it wouldn’t get out (hello, internet?!?) and can your business really survive the hit bad press is going to bring? Sighhhh.

And the comments some people post? OMG!! Let’s put it out there – it is called spell check and you should write everything where it can be spell checked before you post on someone else’s blog. Because my first reaction is if you can’t spell opinion, then I can’t honor your right to have one. Really, it taints my perception. And yet, I am so forgiving to the author of the blog for spelling errors. Double standard – yep, I have those. Heehee.

Tangled is a fantastic movie. I really enjoyed Confessions of a Shopaholic. I am so far behind in so many shows I am debating whether I want to watch them – like The Event – should I even bother? I can’t believe they cancelled The Cape – that show was cool! Even if one of the female characters reminded me of someone.

I am running out of ideas for suppers for one. I am seriously bored of all my usual creations. Perhaps that is part of my depressive laziness coming out, or perhaps it is the fact that I cook just about every day and I am sooooo bored of cooking. I ate out far too often in March, because I just couldn't cook again.

And speaking of eating out, my favorite taco bell is getting renovated. Or torn down, I am not sure which. What the heck?!? They made the best chili cheese burritos and were clean and I never had a bad batch of food from them. And supposedly, Taco Bell/KFC/Pizza Hut are in trouble. The company has already sold the Ontario and BC stores, but what about Alberta? I need my Taco Bell fix occasionally. I am so sorry I haven't bought more often, but the only close one after grocery shopping day is a Taco Bell/KFC and after waiting for my food for forever and watching them in the back, I was grossed out and I have had bad food from them. You need to move one closer. I will also apologize to Mucho Burrito because now there is an Edo and a DQ right by my grocery store. I might start doing there for my after grocery supper. Location, location. :)

Alright- I just saw the time and I should move along and get the last bit done on the computer so I can figure out something for supper. Wheee!

What is it like when all the weight of the world is gone?

Sorry it has been a while since I last wrote. I had so many plans to be more consistent. Often, I had these excellent ideas of what to write. It just never happened. You know the old saying “If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all,” well it has been some dark and not nice times lately. So instead of getting on here and ranting about this or that constantly, I have been delving into more minding numbing stuff. And by that, I mean endless games of spider solitaire. ;) And that is when I have actually been on the net. Lately, I have averaged twice a week, if I am lucky. Part of the problem is the location of my computer; after work, it is just so cold down here, I find my desire to be down here tends to drop. And when I am on, I tend to go to my fave site and then get off. I actually came close to being late on bills because of a dislike of the location of my computer. We are so far behind on the renos right now. We were doing so well, then we had the cold snap and all of the energy went to endless shoveling. Then I hurt my archilles tendon and was taking it easy for a few weeks (had an anti-inflammatory gel I had to put on my ankle/foot three times a day). Then it was a matter of getting back into the mood of renos. It is so sad/annoying because once we finish these couple of tasks, the rest will just fly by and then I will have my office back and be more consistent on the computer.

Today, I was off from work – took a day since my company doesn’t have a holiday between New Year’s and Easter. So after shoveling, I actually climbed back on the ladder and got back to scraping the ceiling. Since I am sure part of my foot troubles was over 3 hours on the ladder last time, I only did an hour today. So I got a third of what is left done. Another couple of times and I will have finished the scraping and then we can get moving on taping and mudding. My hands are killing me though. I have blisters and scrapes and general redness. Ow! Add to that the sore shoulder from endless shoveling and I feel like I am falling apart. I should be sewing, but I think I will wait for another day to do that. If I actually get this entry posted, I will feel very productive today. Heehee.

So what else is going on? Well, the boss finally retired and unfortunately, little boss has taken over. And this regime sucks the big one. It’s like you can’t have a happy medium. The last boss was very meticulous about money; this one doesn’t seem to care about balancing the books at the end of the day. “As long as we are close…” – what the?!?! We had a big falling out over the running of the retirement party for big boss. When it comes to other people’s money, I tend to even more anal retentive. It is not my money and at the end of the day, I should be able to account for every penny. So when I am trying to find out what has been spent and what is expected, I don’t want to be ignored or have to listen to all of these new plans. We had a committee, the committee made plans, and then we tried to implement the plans. New people kept getting involved and having grander ideas. Personally, I think the bulk of the money donated should be spent on a present, not decorations. But whatever, it came together, the big boss loved the party and the gifts and all worked out. But the Friday before had me leaving work 2 hours late and I stood waiting for the bus screaming in my head from all the stress. The following week was full of meetings and trying to get everything done, which meant late nights, little sleep, and little de-stressing. Part of me almost cheered when the big boss left because I would be able to get my evenings back.

But even before then it has been tough. Information has been hard to obtain. Communication has been non-existent at work. The team had to corner the big boss to find out little boss was taking over. We are not stupid, so don’t play games. Plus my job is, as usual, up in the air. As it always goes, quality assurance is the first thing to get rid of when looking to streamline things. Goodness forbid, our books balanced and there were no errors. We wouldn’t want that. And my values and ethics have been constantly tested lately. There is this one interview question that comes up – what would you do if the actions taken go against your values and ethics? Well, I know what I do now – I stand up, state my feelings, and then hide my frustration when I am told it doesn’t matter what I think, this is what we are doing. And don’t bring up the words fraud and illegal to the bosses – they don’t want to hear it even if it might be true. Between those situations, certain colleagues who do the barest of minimums and turn their backs on anything that even remotely smells fishy because that would require effort, and a new regime that is unorganized, unqualified, and unwanted, I have been very tempted to walk away from it all. All these things I see and yet, I am supposed to just accept that quality assurance is not required.

Everyone wants out, but we just can’t seem to get out. I have a chance to take a step away, but I don’t know if I can ignore everything I know. Perhaps I should just request to be completely removed from this department and maybe then, I can let go and relax. I get too involved and I want things to go right. It doesn’t need to be perfect, but it should be right, ethical, and the best each person can do. I hate minimal effort people.

Anyway, all of this has just led to a very stressed out me, who is trying really hard, but sometimes, I just need to lay my head on someone’s shoulder and be held.

Aside from this, what other interesting things have been going on:
1. To the white minivan who decided Friday morning was a good time to share your road rage – F*** you! Firstly, you don’t decide whether I feel the conditions are good enough to squeeze past other drivers and turn. You can’t see what I can, so honk your horn at your own peril. Secondly, if you are going to drive illegally – because that’s what a ‘newfie’ corner is - expect the better driver to respond to your stupidity with a nice gesture. Thirdly, don’t drive alongside the car you don’t like and gesture for them to pull over – do I look stupid? And when I pulled the phone out, it was to call the cops on you. Since you often drive the same route as we do every morning, I will get your license and then – I am reporting you.

2. To the person who showed up at my door on Saturday morning at 11 am driving a white minivan, I don’t know anyone except an arse who drives a white minivan (see above note) and so I was not opening my door in case it was the arse. If you are my friend, you would have called first and you would have known I don’t accept callers (phone or in person) before noon on my days off unless we made plans. If I do know you, accept my apology for not answering the door. Just some advice – if you are going to call on someone before noon without pre-arranged plans, ringing the doorbell once usually is enough to get someone’s attention (i.e. wake them up), but not necessarily alert them to what the noise is. You should follow this up with a second doorbell ring. Knocking softly on the door is not going to get my attention. Of course, I was up at 11; I just didn’t recognize the vehicle or the person I could see in the passenger seat and after the Friday incident, I wasn’t feeling the love towards anyone with a white minivan.

3. When one is depressed and having a bad day, one should not watch ‘The Body’ episode of Buffy. This should not be followed by talking about being in the room when someone dies. While I appreciate the need to discuss this situation at times, I don’t think I could have felt more depressed at that moment.

4. One should also not watch PS I Love You over the next couple of days. I love that movie, but watching only parts of it is really depressing and sad and tear-causing.

5. Wanted: open-minded male(s) to assist with household chores and renovations in exchange for sexual pleasures. Must be willing to do windows, toilets, painting, landscaping, etc. Previous experience in construction a bonus, but eagerness is just as important. Interviews will cover a wide variety of topics and skills, so please be prepared to share and demonstrate all details. Sexual preference can be accommodated as this ad is for two different households.

6. My PVR expander is already at 11% and I can’t keep up. One would think this would mean I would get rid of some shows, but I cannot. I need to watch my shows, but I can’t seem to find the energy or time to do so. I don’t know what I am doing with my time, but I just can’t keep up!

7. I like Rihanna’s new song. I know “sticks and stone may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me’ is an old saying. But the old saying wasn’t set to an awesome dance beat and sung by a hot girl. So phlghhhht!

8. One bad week after another leads to me eating 3 donuts, an order of onion rings, a third of a box of wedgies, and a third of a pizza all in one evening. Eating all of that leads to me not feeling very good physically, but I refused to completely be depressed by my utter giving in to emotional eating. I acknowledged what I was doing while I was doing it and I only gained 1 pound from the week before by doing that. So while I don’t anticipate doing that again anytime soon, I am happy it didn’t completely derail me.

9. Why is it that when I am thirsty, I prefer to reach for food? And when it doesn’t satisfy my needs, I reach for different food. Why can’t I acknowledge I am thirsty and then drink something?

10. Why can’t the local food movement deliver to my area of town? Why does it do all around me, including the suburbs around the city, but not my area? Maybe I would order more locally grown food if it was delivered to my door.

11. Costco has an Unwine, which is utterly delish! I need to buy more! It is nice to use my wine glasses for something resembling wine, rather than pop. It was even nicer to have a bottle of ‘wine’ at the dinner table.

Alright, the grocery shopping list won’t finish itself, so I should go do that as well as make dinner, prep stuff for returning to work, and watch some shows! I make no promises on when I will return, but know, in my head, I write many entries for all of my friends.

Want in one hand, shit in the other – see what you get most of.

Holy Carp! It’s been a month since I last wrote. Now is that a good thing because I am off enjoying life, or is it a bad thing, because nothing is going on… ain’t that the question. My answer is it is a bit of both.

October 6 started my two weeks of holidays, which were chaotic, busy, stressful, relaxing, enjoyed and far too expensive. There were appointments. There was shopping. There were fights. There were laughs. There was project, upon project, upon projects. And the weekend of the 15-16th were probably the most stressful as D and I pushed ourselves to get so much done. And then the 17th, D left at 4:30 in the morning for a weeklong work conference and I returned to a desk that was nowhere near as clean as I had left it. And it was a week of stress at work, followed by stress at home as I tried, alone, to prepare for the 5th annual Celebration of the Dark Season. D returned home Friday night, unfortunately with attitude and exhaustion and while I did a lot to prepare, we were still up fairly early on Saturday to finish decorating and prepping and stuff. However, my plan was to be finished everything by 6:30, including dressing, and I was done by 6:37, which left me just shy of an hour to relax and then get food downstairs.

The party itself was great. I enjoyed carving pumpkins as well as watching the few others who also carved. (I am enjoying the memory, as all I smell right now is the seeds baking right now.) There were great costumes, lots of really good conversation and lots of laughs. I didn’t overkill on the amount food. And despite a scaled down decorating scheme, I think the place looked fabulous. And I think I looked amazing. Others can put their own two cents in, but I liked my outfit. I think I looked good; I loved the long hair and the corset over the push up. And I was wearing a skirt. (I wonder sometimes why I don’t mind a skirt at costume-based parties, but goodness forbids, I wear one else wise… heehee.)

So where does this put me now?

Let’s start with the obvious – election. While I am very disappointed that Harper is still our leader, thank the gods, he is a minority again. This man drives me nuts. I don’t like the look of his squinty little eyes or his fake smile. I dislike his need to suck the privates of the leaders of the USA. I despise his need to lie and to throw tantrums and act like a gosh darn child. Do we think he will actually learn from this? Are we doomed to spend even more taxpayer money for another election in a couple years when he has his next tantrum? Naturally, I voted (otherwise the above would all be disallowed.) Naturally, my area is full of redneck hicks who don’t know how not to be prejudiced. I mean, really. To reelect someone who is just a royal prick, when we have some decent other choices (ignoring the psycho Green party chick)…what can I do? I just have to put up with his crap until the next election or until he dies of a heart attack whichever comes first. Sighhhh.

Depression – I am still lingering in the depths of despair. I know so much of what is the problem. I know so little of how to fix it. But I am uninterested in so many projects that need to be done. And I am eating like crap – a meal here, a snack there, too much pop, not enough protein. While I am enjoying some of the time alone, it gets to be too much sometimes. Like tonight. I should be priming the wood for the bookshelves. I should be threading the serger for the living room drapes or some Christmas presents. I should be making peanut butter squares for Diwali next weekend. I guess we should all be happy I am writing an entry, because so many times in the past weeks I have thought of doing this and just didn’t feel like doing it and so I put it off. Like this morning, as I was lying in bed and planning my day, I was excited to get started on painting, but I couldn’t start until after the shopping trip to Costco with my brother and by the time I got home, I didn’t feel like doing it and so I did a couple of other things (monthly menu plan and grocery list) and now it is 7 pm and I just feel like crashing on the couch and vegging in front of the television. Sighhhh.

Television – I both caught up and so behind. I am behind 5 shows in Smallville. But I am so enthralled with Fringe and My Own Worst Enemy. Wow! We actually gave up a show this season – we decided Knight Rider just wasn’t holding our interest, so one less show on Wednesdays. That is a good thing. Supernatural is beyond fantastic this season. So many subtleties and god, those boys are hot! Big bang theory is still good and funny and I am glad I bought season one. CSI is interesting, watching Grissom start to fall apart is so emotionally heart wrenching. We know he leaves this season and the route they have taken is very true to the story.

Renos – you will be very happy to know that aside from a couple of minor things, the exterior of the house is FINALLY finished!!! Yeah!!! It looks good. The house looks different. I just need to decide on how the landscaping needs to go and then to scrounge up money to pay for that. We have a new light out front. The address sign we made should be dried enough for the new numbers by next week. The mailbox has been painted. The back light is back up. The basement is insulated and the drywall up. The old bookshelves are back into place and the new shelves, well, see above. They need priming, then painting (after we pick out a color), then put together and installed. My office is a mess – I gave away a dresser, because I am nice which means I have boxes on the floor with my supplies. I have boxes full of books from the basement in my office. And I have wood for the bookshelves in my office. Half of the hallways are primed and awaiting a final color (goodness, just priming them in white has made them look so fresh). We have extra dirt in the garden, which eventually, I need to spread out and put some out front. My yard has a few extra bits of eaves trough that the contractor did not take, but otherwise is looking so clean, I double take every time I look because it is just so clean. It is getting there. It is getting done. Slowly, but surely. At least, now, there is something to see for all of our efforts.

Money - Of course, being done means that the final bills have come in. Should I cry now? I gotta say, we are house poor. We are now carrying a significant amount of debt and that fact is contributing to my emotional state. Add on Christmas is coming and my blood pressure just starts to rise.

Christmas – On a good note, I am done two-thirds of the list. I put in a bit of effort the last week of our holidays and then this past weekend, I checked off several more. I am feeling quite good about what has been purchased and what has been done. I have given up on what my credit card tracking sheet says. Part of me has just thrown in the towel about being able to pay it off. I am destined to have debt right now and I just need to do what needs to be done.

Yoga – thank goodness for yoga. I am really enjoying it. Thankfully, everyone seems to have some knowledge so she is upping the pace more than last year (though being new I appreciated the slower pace last year). So much stress leaves me when I am at yoga. I can center in on myself and just relax. I just wish I could take that feeling and get it to motivate me through the week so I would exercise and de-stress more. Especially since 4 more sessions and then we are done yoga for this year. It is being cut short due to the instructor. I know I will miss it, but then again, if all goes as planned, December should be a month of wrapping, watching TV, some baking, and that is about it.

Work – Goodness what can I say. Stressed is an understatement. We have joined regions in the company and so instead of handling 24 subsections, I now handle 38. And of course, everyone does something different. I had just gotten the 24 under a similar process and now to add 14 more…and of course, my job is just temporary. Sometime in the future, I will be ‘mapped’ elsewhere. And so much is happening, so much shit rolling downhill that is getting dumped on us. I am trying so hard to get things done and yet it feels like so little is actually accomplished. I have been so stressed I forgot about all my fabulous Halloween earrings that I love to wear. I completely forgot until Halloween. How pathetic!

As a bonus, it was “fall back” weekend, which means I got an extra hour of sleep. Thank the goodness. It was long needed. My inner bitch calendar says I should do whatever my heart desires for a full 60 minutes. So I think I am going leave you nice people now and go do something just for me. I think y’all should take this opportunity to do the same.

Will you please be my victim?

Yes, Harper, lay down and let me walk all over you, like the sludge that you are. In fact, that might give you too much credit. Perhaps you are the fungus that grows on the sludge at the bottom of the sewer tank. Still too much credit?!? Perhaps.

Y’all know my opinions on our illustrious leader, Mr Harper. I find myself constantly surprised no one has pied him the face yet. I mean, so many other politicians were pied, why not Harper? Perhaps all the people think pie is too good for him – then think mud pies people. Get creative.

What can I say that I haven’t already? One of the latest scandals is the fact that Harper plagiarized a speech given by an Australian politician. I thought this was old news though and really, does the average Canadian care? Really, which one of them hasn’t stolen someone else’s words and taken them as their own? Does it make Harper just an average citizen? Heck no! He’s our Prime Minister which means he is supposed to be above all the lowly standards. I expect him to come up with original thoughts and to speak with an intention that is his own. You want to borrow a line or two from someone’s speech, well, who am I to argue? But you know what, admit you are doing it – say he said it best – or… just shut up. You sacrificed a lowly poli-sci person below you. How egomaniacal of you? Why do you not take responsibility for the words that come out of your mouth? And when will people learn to listen to what he actually says?

How about the fact that 3 ministers stepped down before the vote was called? My first thought was why are they stepping down. What are they trying to tell voters by quitting? I believe they are telling us that they won’t work for Harper again, that maybe there is a reason not to vote for him and though they can’t say why, take the action for the suspicion it is.

The English debate is tonight. Thank goodness they let the green party in. Because as I have said before – if they can allow a party who only can only be represented in one province the right to debate with the 3 main parties, then why can’t they invite the Green party who actually won a bit of votes last time and are available across Canada?

And what will Harper do when Bush is out of office? Is he ready to suck up to Obama? Or perhaps he is hoping for McCain, he is used to ‘old white flesh’ already. Ooh – the images that brings to mind. Bet he was originally hoping for Ms Clinton – he probably wouldn’t mind doing both the president and the first man. Heehee.

You should have heard how depressed I was at the start of this election – my choices were:
- green party chick: been told by friends (and fave coworker’s friend confirmed) she is crazy. Plus at the last election, she did not impress me at all.
- current conservative – arse-hole supreme who was brought up (not officially charged) with hate crimes due to his hatred of non-heterosexual people. Wouldn’t vote for him if he was my only choice.
- Liberal – no news on this person, other than Dion does not impress me and if he thinks he can come in here and steal the money from Alberta’s oilsands, well, honey, pie will be the least of your worries.

No, really, those were my choices. I was actually contemplating voting liberal. OMG!!!! However, the good news is the NDP is represented in my area and he is a decent one. So I will not be contributing to the destruction of Harper in this election. I am voting for opposition as usual and I am voting with the hope to replace one idiot with someone who has a greater decency to him.

I have more rants, but it is coming 8 and I am starving for supper. Poor fave co-worker gets to hear all about my dislike for the PM. Thankfully, he agrees with me.

Please VOTE everyone. We can make a difference and voting gives us the right to complain about who everyone else voted for (and really – that is the most important reason of all).

Please put all criticisms in the form of a compliment.

Let’s review the last week…
Monday – it’s an okay day, but by mid afternoon, a migraine starts developing. Monday night is awful. As long as I lay horizontal, my head is fine, but as soon as I sit up or stand, it hurts and I am miserable. However, I am a woman, which means the world does NOT stop when I am not feeling well. So after the lovely J drops off some boxes, I pack the rest of the books so renos can soon begin. I go to bed early-ish.

Tuesday, due to issues at work, I go to work despite my aching head. The day is not good, but it’s been worse. Despite all this, I still go shopping at Michael’s (work project) and manage to do Yoga. Head feels a tiny less throbby.

Wednesday – again due to work issues, I go to work. My head is STILL aching. Fave co-worker is gone. Day is long. Here is the post I started to write:

Let’s talk about my life for a moment. You see, I am stressed. Everyone at work is, really. None of us really want to be here right now. The difference is they have work to keep them busy, while I…I have none. Oh, there is work I could do – mindless stuff or stuff for other people. Most of my job is spent waiting. Waiting for people to get me information, waiting for people to do their jobs so I can do mine, waiting for people to give me permission to continue, waiting for people to sign off my last project, waiting for people to start the meeting, waiting for the meeting to end.

My in box is pretty full – none of it can be completed as I am waiting for other people.

Waiting…there is a part of me that feels all I do is wait.

Come home to multiple people in my house, but soon there is only D, ndie and me. Ndie and D call the Hat who comes over to play games, while I sew my costume for the Betty Cup – I finish the costume that night. My back aches as does my head.

Thursday – I refuse to go to work. I wake at 4:30 am with spike driving into head, so I call work and decline to attend. Back to bed. Wake again at 11-ish. Feeling a bit better. D is off for the day and we had plans for the evening so when the throbbing has leveled off, we go off to the lighting store recommended by our contractor – because the contractor doesn’t like our current exterior lights. Parks Lighting was a waste for us. Lots of pretty things, little service and there are limits to what I will pay for a light that doesn’t do what my old one does. Off to WEM – BIG MISTAKE! I don’t know why more people aren't killed at WEM. The noise level is so horrendous, the throbbing in my head returns. I nearly take out several people who don’t know how to walk – WE ARE IN CANADA! – GET THE **&*^**^ ON THE RIGHT OF THE WALKWAYS!!!!! As you can tell my mood starts to deteriorate. Solution – food! At Olive Garden. It was okay – though he didn’t give us a second bowl of salad. I ate all my pasta – I was stuffed full – bad me! Then we hit Robinson Lighting. Jody was the nicest salesperson – he helped us immensely and I found a light I liked (D didn’t care) for a price I would pay. I refused the $250 blank address sign. Really – it was $250 for the sign, no numbers or letters (also it was more expensive than the light). Holy carp! D found a lovely faucet for the kitchen – D asked a sales lady if the price included the sink – it was $900 for just the faucet. Then the tub D liked was $8400. And D thinks my tastes are expensive?!?

Friday – woke up with dull throbbing. Fave coworker is back and amazed at how miserable I am. By the afternoon, (fave coworker left early), we had a minor crisis. Despite this, my mood gets better and by the time I leave, my headache is gone and I am seriously happy. I maintain the mood until D gets home and take out the day’s stresses on me. Mood plummets and the atmosphere for the weekend is set.

Saturday – Betty Cup – things go well, despite my sudden inability to play a decent game of croquet. I try to talk with C who is having a very hermitty summer. A (of A&S) comes in and we have a great conversation. However, other conversations don’t go so well. D does not win this year, so I will have to fill the now empty space on the mantel. Starving by the time we leave, so I make a small dinner and D and I watch a movie.

Sunday – D and I have very hostile fight about the renos. Then off to the Social Event of the Season. Again, I have a lovely time with lots of conversation. Again, starving when we leave, so I make a small dinner and D and I watch movies.

Monday – I am up earlier than D (as usual) and proceed to start on the list of to do’s. There is a lot to do to get the house ready for renos and autumn. D wakes up really late and we have a very hostile fight about the renos. Again. My allergies act up and I am forced to leave the basement to go work outside with my other allergies and the nasty wasps. When I come back in, D acts as everything is okay (as usual) and continues the reno project. Meanwhile, I cook supper, shell beans (I shell the older beans from the vine to dry for seeds for next year) and then make the menu plan and grocery list, followed by dishes. The Lovely J comes by and drops off the borrowed lawn mower and after watching us eat (she had already eaten –sorry!), she very nicely helped D with the renos. Which brings us to about an hour ago when the lovely J left, D returned to the basement for clean up duty and I finished the dishes and am now trying to calm my mood by playing on the computer. I am tired. I want to stuff my face with food. And I feel miserable. My chest hurts, though the Reactine has kicked in so at least I am not sniffling constantly. I feel hopeless, despondent and very much in the depths of despair.

And that was the week update. Aren’t you glad I shared? :)

Don’t tell me what to do. That’s the little voice’s job.

So after my commanding decision to kick myself in the ass and get with the program of just being me, I have done just that. Much to a few people’s dismay, of course. Why do we have to remind ourselves to just be ourselves? Why do we forget this? Why do we allow other’s opinions to matter so much? I just don’t know. All I know is I made a pact with myself several years ago: Society’s rules mean little to me; I have my own moral code and as long as I don’t break that, then I am good. And I am – good, I mean. Things aren’t perfect – there’s no harem surrounding me, just saying – but overall, my life doesn’t totally suck. Now, if I can take this motivating attitude and put it into action?!? Baby steps.

My weekend was okay – Friday night was an interesting talk about what to do with the basement. I believe D and I have figured it out – whoohoo! It is mostly within our skill set and I have already put feelers out regarding an electrician to assist. Saturday, J and I went out for National Garage Sale Day – a very disappointing shopping trip, I must say. Neither of us bought anything at the garage sales. We bought some organic bread – hmmmm, the bum bread is soooo nummy (okay really it is roasted potato bread, but it is shaped like a bum, and it’s soft so you can squeeze it and pat it, just like a bum!). J bought some groceries from a couple different stores and then back home to wait for those returning from Blood Bowl. A good talk and then we parted so we all could get some food into us. I ended up eating far toooo much bum bread for supper, but Dang! It was good. Saturday night ended with a pretty decent deep conversation with D, followed by another hot, sleepless night. Sunday, we installed the ceiling fan in the master bedroom!!!!! Thank the goodness! It had one huge fight in the middle (to be expected, of course), but it is installed and works. I love it. I slept with it running at medium speed all night and it was still quieter than my old table top fan. I am very happy. However, I still slept like crap, because it was still 27C in my room. Ack!

Today, I came home to find my back gate open, my rain barrel marked up and a mess in my backyard. I already wasn’t feeling very well and then this. While I am very happy they have FINALLY started installing my stucco, how about a little respect? How about cleaning up after yourselves? How about no spilled food across my back yard, no garbage moved around, no hose left spilled across the lawn and under your tools, no large equipment and mounds of sand BLOCKING MY DRIVEWAY!!! We have waited so long and have had our chains jerked by this subcontractor so much that I am tired of it. I want to be treated like Mike Holmes’ clients are. Heck, I would just take for my yard not to be destroyed by their crap. And them following through on the promises they make – Eg. When we tell you the driveway can’t be used, don’t use it. When you say you will start two Wednesdays ago, start or at least have the decency to call and let me know why you are delayed. And the main contractor is peeving me off because we have called him a few times and he keeps just putting us over to this sub-contractor. No – I want YOU to come down to my house, see the issues I have and deal with them yourself. This sub-contractor didn’t do the fascia, why should he answer my concerns about it? Hello – anyone home?!?

Okay, that’s my rant. Work is going okay. I have a lot on my plate as well as applying for some other positions (so I have a choice what happens to me, instead of management). On that note, I should find my most recent resume and cover letter and then get back to making peanut butter butterscotch squares… Did you hear that A? I am making squares. Heehee.

Not ready to make nice

So what’s the latest news on my life front? Well, Tuesday I found out that my position no longer exists in my department. Sometime between now and fall 2009, I will be relocated to another department. Isn’t that nice of them? I have been working very hard this week trying to remind myself why I should give a shite about this department and do a good job. I mean, I know the good job I have been doing, most of them know what a good job I have been doing, all except some big wigs in comfy chairs high above us low lings, who have no clue. I wonder at what the point of all my work has been. I feel it is all for naught since, once I am gone, the errors will skyrocket again. I have also started putting out feelers about a different job so I can control where I end up because the department they have been discussing is the one I turned down prior to accepting this job for good reason.

So needless to say, after all my work and my adjusting and starting to feel like I belong and maybe, just maybe I could do this job for a few years, it’s all gone. The fave co-worker is on 3 weeks holiday, so I sent him an email letting him know the news – if he gets access to an internet café then he may not be surprised before he gets back.

The pessimistic side of me says I should have seen it coming. It’s truly not a surprise – I did have a fairly good idea this would happen eventually. Just goes to show who you can trust. What is the point of working hard if you just keep getting kicked in the ass?

The optimistic part of me says it’s an opportunity. I didn’t really want to stay in the department – I have seen the corruption and I know it’s not truly for me. So I should stay true to my vision/myself and take what I learned from here, add it to my experiences and continue on my path.

Both want to reach for junk food to self-medicate. However, as I reminded myself this morning, my most fabulous of brothers is getting married sometime within the next 2 years (they aren’t sure yet) and it’s a destination wedding and they both like hot! Which means I need to renew my commitment to myself to be the best I can be, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I need to find what is holding me at this point and get over it.

Yesterday, I helped milady move – O M G – let’s not discuss the practicality of that. I have a new decree – no friends moving in the blistering cold of winter NOR the blistering heat of summer. The good thing of it was I got to catch up with her son, who is such a great young man. Also, don’t tell her but one of S!’s friends is kinda cute. Of course, it is hard to flirt and feel good about yourself when you are perspiring – a LOT. However, I lost 1.5 lbs yesterday. Heehee.

I am all caught up on Swingtown too – wow! I LOVE this show. My friend S told me that I am not allowed to feel like I am Janet (though I truly think my friends see me as her - the goody two shoes who doesn’t do anything bad and certainly wouldn’t be involved in anything too risqué, who is always in control and would be shocked by so many things) because she instantly identified me with Trina. Teehee. And watching Trina yesterday over the last 3 shows, I could see it a bit – what an ego stroke. I think I can relate on some level with all 3: Janet for her need for appearances to be a certain way and the feel of not belonging with all the changing times; Susan for putting that toe out into the flux of life and trying to experience it, and; Trina for being open minded and accepting and yet having that bit of self-doubt.

I know a part of me I have downplayed a lot lately, due to my intuition about some of the people we hang with. And I am tired of it. As my friend N says I am a very sensual woman and I like having that show. I need to accept that some of my friends are not going to be comfortable with me in my playful mode, but really, I can only respect their values so far without compromising mine and I am tired of compromising mine. I am tired of feeling like I am conforming. I have always been a big believer in stroking other people’s egos (among other things – heehee) whether it be by flirting or complimenting people with the truth. Why should I limit this? I like flirting – it makes all participants feel good. I wonder sometimes why it makes others uncomfortable and whether I should adjust who I am to make them more comfortable. Is that really my duty? Or should we all just accept each other for who we are? If you are uncomfortable with it, should the other person really change or should you deal with your own feelings? Isn’t that the gist of it?

Anyway – aside from all of this, things have been quite busy. Met with S for our final lunch in awhile the weekend before last. Though there were tears, we had a great time, she loved my gift (a scrapbook chronicling our 4+ year friendship, a lovely magnet that reminded me of her and of course, forget me nots). And when we said goodbye, we said it with smiles and caring and a promise to keep in touch. Then it was a rush out the door to camping at I&V’s cabin with A&J. Lovely time. Very relaxing. Of course, the Monday morning I discovered a dozen mosquito bites and by the evening there were over 2 dozen bites. Along one thigh from top to knee, there were 17. And each ankle looked like I had an anklet on. Sighhhh. Thankfully, we had left over anti-itch lotion from D’s allergic reaction.

Then last weekend, I spent the day with milady helping her dejunk and pack up the basement for her move. J wonderfully came over in the evening to assist. Then Sunday, my parents came by for haircuts and we had gaming that night. I haven’t decided on my feeling about Ptolus yet. It is quite a hard world – mind you, that could be because we have no dedicated healer in the party. Ikes! Our first big fight had me down to –9 at the first hit against me. Thankfully, the bard was able to save my ass as after the next person, it was my turn and I would be dead. Holy carp!

This week, you already heard the excitement. Friday night, I was at milady’s helping her pack and organize for the move and yesterday was the move. O M G – doing 8000 steps within 4 hours (So Many Stairs!) is a lot for me. I was soooooo sore. I think I would have been better if it hadn’t been so hot. As it was, it took a long time to get the energy up to make food after I got home and pretty much, I spent the evening in front of the TV catching up on shows – 3 Swingtown, 1 Holmes on Homes and 1 What not to wear. This morning I watched the updated Hairspray. I was kind of disappointed – I think the original was better and now I want to watch it again, because I think they changed some things quite significantly. Most of the actors were good though, but I remember getting into the whole segregation versus integration fight in the first movie and in this one, I wasn’t as moved. I don’t know. It was okay. Tonight – we are getting together for gaming again since half of the group is away the long weekend. Let’s hope it goes better. We desperately need more healing. I used a third of my healing potions already and with the lack of funds we have and the limited supply of potions, I don’t know how many more of these fights I can handle, let alone the group – I am supposed to be one of the fighter types – doesn’t bode well, eh? Heehee.

Sorry for the lack of updating – with the weather being what it is, I haven’t been on the computer much – too much thundering and lightening during the evenings and as you can tell, I have been busy most weekends. Plus with everyone else leaving the blogging world for Facebook, I have to spend a bit of time on there catching up. Don’t worry; I will stay a blogger. I am not the biggest Facebook fan. So yeah – that’s my life in a long nutshell.

Let's keep notes on who pisses us off.

If you all remember, last post I discussed the problems I had regarding an email from a coworker. Well, the coworker sent me another email this week along the same lines. Last time, I wasn’t comfortable with the email, but I also wasn’t comfortable responding to the coworker. However this time, I was quite peeved at the hypocrisy and so I wrote her back. She hasn’t replied yet, so I am not sure how she is going to take it. While I respect her friendship, I really don’t think that someone who has so recently rediscovered Christianity should be advocating religious persecution.

I also prefer to regard human beings as enlightened and while certainly we can’t agree on everything, we should, at the very least, respect others’ beliefs as their own. It also amazes me because I know one of my other friends in that office is a Muslim. They know each other and I didn’t think there was a problem. Perhaps I am wrong. I am not perfect – I have never proclaimed that and I am usually the first to deny it, but I like to think I can be respectful of others’ beliefs even while not understanding them. Perhaps my world is best viewed with rose-coloured glasses.
So what I present to you below is the email as well as my response.

If this be true, we better stay attentive to what is happening in our world.

Allah or the Lord Jesus Christ?

This is very interesting and just a very scary ...

The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in the United States, especially in the minority races!!!

Allah or The Lord Jesus Christ? ... By Rick Mathes

Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my state prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their beliefs.

I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video.

After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.

When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"

There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!"

I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can have a place in heaven.. Is that correct?"

The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of "a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar."

He sheepishly replied, "Yes."

I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!"

The Imam was speechless!

I continued, "I also have problem with being your 'friend' when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me! Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?"

You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame. Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the 'Diversification' training seminar were Not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs.

In twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.S. To elect the President! I think everyone in the U.S. should be required to read this, but with the Liberal justice system, liberal media and the ACLU, there is no way this will be widely publicized.

Please pass this on to all your e-mail contacts.

This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in prison ministry.

The Man who walks with God always gets to his destination.

If you have a pulse you have a purpose.

Hi,
While I understand the intent behind you sending this email, I am also a little troubled by the message it provides. Any religion can be interpreted in such a way to advocate the killing of 'non-believers.' Just look at history: the Salem witch trials, the Inquisition, the Ku Klux Klan, terrorism - please note there is a definition for Christian terrorism as well. Most religions have the basis of peace, harmony and love - Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, and Buddhism are just several examples. Not everyone follows those teachings. There will always be people who take the step into violence and often it will be with either the explicit or perceived permission of those in power and from the interpretation of the written dogma.

Many of these emails are created in the United States where fear of the unknown is at a heightened paranoia, some of which is justified and most of which is not. If you read the story from a different point of view, it is possible that the Imam was speechless because he couldn't believe that someone following the Catholic faith could honestly believe the Catholic Church (or even Protestant church) had never advocated murder. Perhaps he hung his head not in shame but in resignation of the ongoing hypocrisy of other people.

I appreciate that you send me emails because you think of me and think I may be interested. I just wanted to let you know that there have been a couple emails recently I have found to be troubling for me in regards to what seems to be the perpetuity of religious discrimination.

Thank you. I hope you are doing well.

Nobody ever suspects me...

Ed Stalmach is a bloody idiot. Oh I know, that is not really news, but he supposedly down played the killing of 500 birds in the ‘oil sands’ by saying that 20,000 birds are killed annually in wind turbines, so it is not that big of a deal. What the?!? It’s days like these when I wonder why I didn’t get a job as a political assassin.

No, instead I get to be a quality assurance person. I get to be the person who is the bearer of bad news, the ‘let the air out of your sails’ person, the one who uses words like ‘incident’, ‘situation’, ‘concern’, ‘problem’ and ‘dilemma.’ Don’t get me wrong. Most of the time I love the ferreting out of a situation and seeing how it started and grew and finding a solution. But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like everyone sees me as the bad person and I notice they flinch each time I knock.

Lately, I have spent a lot of time ferreting out little situations and trying to resolve them. And of course, when only a part of the surrounding staff has a problem, the rest get annoyed when you have to address all of them to make sure that everyone is on the same page. I feel bad to a certain point about the people who are having difficulties, but what annoys me more is the person who comes over to whine at me that she shouldn’t have to deal with this crap because she understands, when in reality, she has greater problems to be dealt with than some of the others. Sighhhh.

I think I am losing my mind just a bit. I found a pair of my socks in the living room (understandable, they were from yesterday), I found a pair of socks in the office (I believe those are from Tuesday), but I also found a pair on the tool shelf and I can’t think of when I put those there or how long they have been there. Or why they were there in the first place? Hmmmm…

Did you watch Supernatural last week? If not, it was quite amusing, though the theme song has been playing in my head quite a bit since I watched it. “Ghost – Ghostfacers!” Heehee.

Oops – sounds like the laundry is done - guess I should move along and change it around. Yeah – that means it is almost bedtime. Whoohoo!

Let’s focus on me…

Says Happy Bunny today - Ha – don’t we always. Heehee.

Let’s talk interesting facts today…

One - my yoga instructor, besides attempting to encourage me to take up teaching yoga, actually offered to assist me if developing a workout for the summer. Isn’t that cool?!? I am sure it is not for free, but even so, I have found yoga to be so wonderful for just resting my body and giving my mind a chance to completely focus on myself and my body and I feel so free afterwards. I look forward to doing yoga Monday nights and I know last week when it was cancelled, I was so disappointed because I needed it. If I can continue through the summer on my own and keep the ability that I have gained since September, I would be so happy. The next session doesn’t start until Sept 29 and that is a long way away.

Two – I am eating like crap again. It was one thing in the winter to be pulling out the comfort food recipes. For the most part, I was following serving sizes and adding more vegetables in than required (don’t tell ndie and D – I don’t think they noticed – heehee). However, lately, I have just been eating large servings and I am eating out a LOT. I am still eating my veggies, but for snacks, I have been leaning towards the carbs and salt and sometimes, the overly creamy. I haven’t been as bad as some around me. (D ate an entire litre of soft ice cream from dairy queen – in one sitting!) A friend at work drank 3 bottles of wine, plus more alcohol, this weekend with her fiancée. The difference is I reach for the chips, the tortillas, the cheezies (mmmm, I love cheezies, I am eating cheezies now), the slush floats, the blizzards. That is what I am craving. That is what I want. Oh my goodness, and my peanut butter butterscotch squares – I am so adoring those. Oh, and the chewy candies – the gummy fish, the wine gums, the werther’s soft caramels, and the nerds (I love nerds – did you know they come in huge boxes), I so like my candy. So the question is – what the?!?

Three – today I went to THE post office downtown – I have never really been to The post office. I mean, I have been to the community ones and of course, my fave is the 7-11 down the street, but this is the main one. Oooooh! My fave coworkers takes me places I tell you. Heehee.

Four – My friend N rocks as a photographer! Seriously, you should see her photos. I have a few of them up in my office and she just gave me a couple more (though I forgot to get her to sign these). She also lent me a cd with her fave 90 (out of 3000) from her Antarctica trip. I love her photos so much and I would love to share them with the world. However, it is a passion of hers that is her hobby, and while I think her photos would make fantastic coffee table books (I would buy one for each of my friends), I don’t want to encourage her too much because I don’t want her to lose that passion. I don’t want to make her passion into a job that sustains her, though I honestly think she could easily. So while there is a part of me that constantly brings up the possibility, there is another part of me that says ‘stay back, it’s her decision.’ Sometimes it is so hard to not want your friends to strive for the greatness that they deserve.

Five – So J (of A&J fame) doesn’t think anything less, I also think she should make a book with her black and white photos of cemeteries – so detailed and haunting. Oooh – if you could incorporate some of the purgatory b&w pics – like ghosts or memories - that would rock even more.

Six – My office is soooooo dang hot; it is like a level of hell beyond what it is already. Sighhhh – and get this, the building management doesn’t want our supply people to provide fans. So I asked if I could bring my own in and I was told “it’s the plugging in that is the problem. So I cannot provide you with a fan.” Talk about double speak. So on my list of things to buy soon is a gosh darn fan, because I am dying at work. And it’s not because I am taking my own personal tropical vacations, other coworkers have complained as well. It is because the morons haven’t turned on the air conditioner despite the +18 days. Dudes! I would rather be cold than hot. I can add clothes; I can only take off so many. (cue Nelly with “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes – I am getting so hot, I will take my clothes off.)

Seven – Yesterday I worked like a dog at work. Today I took it a lot easier. That was nice. Firstly my fave coworker was back today as was another coworker I get along with. Secondly, despite my lackadaisical attitude, I still finished everything on my plate, except photocopying a file – which tomorrow I should be getting the other half, so it is not like it couldn’t wait. Part of me felt a bit guilty, but only a little bit. The extra person we got in is leaving soon, and she has no work to do other than planning her move, so as long as I do more than her (so not hard to do), then I think I am good. The big boss and little boss are both away anyway, so it’s not like anyone is really caring.

Eight – Have you seen these pictures? I agree with the anchor this morning on BT – this one bothers me more because it makes it seem a little more ‘a couple’ versus parent and child. But the other one is risqué and I think it’s the lipstick that makes her very Lolita-like.

Nine – stupid computer! My stupid Internet is not working. Good thing I write this in word first. I can only play so many games of Spider solitaire before I get completely bored. Already did the little things that needed to be updated in the computer. How much more can I do to get this thing working? Guess this just goes to say that I should probably get off the computer and go do something. Heehee.

Ten – so you get this one day later than I wrote it. The Internet never did come back up yesterday, which was fine. I got off of it and had some supper and watched some of my shows while doing a puzzle. It was all good. Today was just another day. Started off not so good with the fave coworker and beyotch ganging up together on me and after trying to explain it and them not getting it, I threw my hands up and walked away to see if I could get details to show them. Of course the computers at work weren’t working all that well either. Supposedly Mercury is in Retrograde with always screws up technology. Heehee. It’s all good now and after a bit, I knew to step back and not take it personally. It was hard at the time not to, since I was the one who was working the numbers and trying to make things work out better for our clients. But it really brings it into focus who has better people skills than others because beyotch’s clients aren’t responding in a timely fashion whereas fave coworker’s have. There is more to that story, but what is the point of telling it. We just let beyotch do her thing and let the big boss try to rope her into line.

Okay – back to life – it is Wednesday and I have supper to make and shows to watch.

Bring Him Home

This song has been playing for so long in my head now. I had to track it down on the Internet because the only copy I have is on cassette and there is no cassette player near my computer unless you count the Walkman. Now I have several of the songs playing in the background and it is amazing the visual my memories have playing in my head. A long ago friend, Cindy (also know for introducing me to new country music) introduced me to this play/musical and this was the first musical I saw. We had awesome seats in the first balcony. You can never really lose that sensation of being in a theatre and hearing the songs and how it grabs you. Bring him home was such an emotional song for me and I think it was my favorite from the first hearing. My next favorite would be On my own. I think because I understand the imagination that goes with that song. I know the feeling of day dreaming with such detail that it seems almost real and how that thought can save you from the desolation that plagues you in reality. But reality never goes far and while the thought can save you, it is only temporary. All the songs are amazing and if you haven’t seen it in person, I strongly recommend it.

Anyway, I know it has been a few days, er, weeks since I last wrote. I guess I could summarize for you. Lost again in the Fuj Memorial. Tied for first with 3 other teams – out of 4 teams. 1 team lost every game and 1 team skunked which made them the winners. Sighhhh.

My office is a mess. Nice person that I am, I gave the dresser I was using in my office away to my brother’s friend. The intention a few weeks ago was to obtain something instead, but since he didn’t reply back until 2 days before he wanted it, I didn’t think he still wanted it. Oops! So now everything that was in/on the dresser is now all over my floor. You can fit a lot of stuff in a 5-drawer dresser. And of course, I do not know if I am going to be able to find something to replace it. I may have to build something and goodness knows with me that could take awhile.

Speaking of making things – all the material is cut out for the curtains. I just need to thread my machine and sew. How long have I been working on that? Heehee.

The Home Show was interesting this year (thanks S! for lending us the parking space). However, the whole reason I wanted to go was the green space and due to a lack of decent markings, we totally missed the hall with the green space in it. Shite!

Had a great rant about the First Nation who are trying to say their chief, 100 years ago, was underpaid by the government for land they sold that is now part of south Edmonton. The Supreme Court said it wasn’t even worth having a trial for. Goodness, was I peeved me for several days. Poor fave coworker got to get the majority of my rants. I have thoughts about it still and the fact that the most common response should be duh! When doesn’t the government try to get a deal buying the land so they can sell it at a profit? Heck, what person doesn’t do that? Have you heard of flipping? Anyway, they want money, of course. Not that the government even recognizes their first nation anymore since they disbanded in the 1890’s. Yes, 1890’s – I didn’t type that wrong. Sheesh. And if the government did decide to pay them, then there is no inflation, no interest, nothing the like. If it should have been $0.25 more an acre, then they get $0.25 per acre. And if that adds up to $25, then that’s all they get. You had more than ample time to bring this up which is why there is a statute of limitations. Of course that would bring me to my other rant about certain people expecting extra privileges because of their ancestors’ past. But don’t get me started on that one.

Has anyone tried Mucho Burrito yet? Goodness, I heard about this new place opening in Edmonton and with my passion for Mexican food, I sooooooo want to try it. It looks nummy and decently priced.

Motivation time – at work, I am doing a side project for an upcoming workshop that little boss volunteered for. I was voluntold to get some information on motivational speakers and I came across Troy Payne. He has a blog post called Life is a Bus Ride? It has an interesting premise behind it about life and the people who come and leave. I thought it was an interesting thought and just wanted to share it with everyone.

Work has mostly been quite quiet. Fave coworker was out of the office for pretty much 3 weeks and beyotch was also out for three weeks. So it was very quiet. However, that ahs all changed. Both are back and the latest addition (who will also be leaving soon) is on holidays and she left me a pile of stuff that she never completed. Which annoys the carp out of me because there were lots of days where I was bored out of my gourd and I could have finished them all, but since I had NO idea what she had done, I couldn’t touch. I should have just went with my instinct which said she did nothing, because I would have been pretty much right. Sighhhh.

Anyway, I am feeling tired, so I think I am going to get ready for bed.

Well now, isn’t that interesting…

I am tired today. I am tired of cooking, tired of cleaning, tired of working, tired of eating junk, tired of clutter, just tired. So instead of doing any of those things, I am writing a new entry.

So what’s going on? Not much. I go to work, go home, do chores, eat and sleep. Weekends, I try to get together with friends, try to sleep in, do chores, eat and try not to shop. I know, it is an exciting life. Heehee. There is other stuff going on, but it’s nothing to be talked about.

Just a point to make - the Progressive Conservatives received about 52% of the votes in Monday's election and yet they have 88% of the seats. Can anyone else see how this does not come across as very representative of the population? And 42% of people voted - what the heck?!? To those 58% who didn't vote - The weather wasn't that bad and yeah, your vote could have made a difference and if I hear one word out of your mouth that complains about the government, I am shoving the flyer and/or the section in the Journal that explained to you the how, when, etc of voting down your throat. You didn't vote, you have no right to open your mouth and complain. Me, on the other hand, I have every right in the world to complain about how NOTHING Ed stated in his campaign had any relevance to the 4 years he is in office. I don't give a crap what Ed thinks should happen in 2050. We have problems now, Ed has been told by a review committee how to deal with a lot of these issues and if I had connections to Arnie, I would first get the California Senator to beat the crap out of Ed and then tell him how to show some respect for our environment and our people.

Some interesting things to note – my horoscope the other day said

As you get older you are drawn more and more to spiritual matters. It is not so much that you are embracing any particular religion, but more that you are quite curious about the supernatural and some of the ancient arts.

So what do I find on milady’s blog today (since I haven’t been online in ages)? A quiz about what religion best represents your beliefs. Below are my results. I think it is very interesting what is my highest scores and what is the lowest. Anyone who knows my beliefs knows how anti-“religious establishment” I am due primarily to experiences with those who follow Catholicism and Jehovah’s Witness. So I found this very interesting.

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.
1. Neo-Pagan (100%)
2. Mahayana Buddhism (85%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (79%)
4. New Age (77%)
5. Theravada Buddhism (70%)
6. Liberal Quakers (69%)
7. Jainism (63%)
8. Secular Humanism (63%)
9. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (61%)
10. Reform Judaism (59%)
11. Taoism (56%)
12. Hinduism (54%)
13. Orthodox Quaker (52%)
14. New Thought (51%)
15. Scientology (50%)
16. Sikhism (49%)
17. Bahá'í Faith (38%)
18. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (34%)
19. Nontheist (34%)
20. Orthodox Judaism (29%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (21%)
22. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (21%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (19%)
24. Islam (18%)
25. Jehovah's Witness (14%)
26. Eastern Orthodox (9%)
27. Roman Catholic (9%)

So that is all for now. It is almost out of the peak times, so I can do my laundry and think about supper and maybe get up to date on so many things around me in my office. The good news is my desk is 90% clean, the filing is 90% done and I am only 30% freezing in here. Yeah!

I’m cute. Let’s put me in charge.

This week has been hellish at work. So instead of starting with hell, let’s discuss some very interesting movies I have seen recently.

The Fountain with Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz - Spanning over one thousand years, and three parallel stories, The Fountain is a story of love, death, spirituality, and the fragility of our existence in this world. Honestly, when the movie ended, I just had to sit there for a bit and absorb it all. It is a fascinating movie that is both easy to watch and deep enough that you need to take time to think about it afterwards. I thought it was truly remarkable and very interesting. I recommend it to someone who isn’t looking for instant gratification that night.

Alpha Dog with JT (Justin Timberlake) – Surprisingly, it is a fact-based crime story of events that happened in California in 1999. The environment is the drug trade amongst the youth and what happens when one bad decision avalanches into several. The most interesting thing to me was that, since I had no recollection of these events, I had no idea how it would end until it did. Whether it was good acting or my belief in people, or even a combination of both, the ending caught me unawares. I hate to be vague, but I don’t want to give away the ending for those, like myself, who were not up to date on the entire story. It was really well done and very interesting and I do recommend it.

Open Season with Martin Lawrence, Gary Sinise and Billy Connelly – An animated film about a bear raised by humans who gets thrust into the wild. (Yeah, Ashton Kutcher is in it, but you can ignore that fact, just like I did, if only because Billy Connelly steals all the scenes he is in.) It’s a hilarious movie, full of comedy, great voices and of course, the all-important lesson that wild animals belong in the wild. I recommend it for those looking for a lighthearted romp. Sidenote – I so want the porcupine. So cute!

And books – if you are any bit of a reader, I highly recommend Jasper Fforde’s series about Thursday Next. These books have made me laugh so much with the play on so many things, like MS Window versions, photo radar cameras and grammar errors. If you know the classics, you will love the book more. But even for those like me who have a natural resistance to the classics, you will know enough to thoroughly enjoy these books. I am reading book 3 right now and they are bringing in a new program that seems a lot like the way MS Windows is developed, marketed, etc. So funny.

So h-e-double hockey sticks – remember how I have mentioned that there always has to be one in the office, well, since the moment I started, I have known who the primary one would be. This week was her week to express the qualities that make her the ‘one’. I hate it when people diss you to your face and then say no offense intended. Look Be-yotch, if saying that relieves your guilt, whatever. Because offense was taken just like it was intended. And then to have the nerve to ask for my assistance, which really was just a thinly veiled way to get me to do the icky part of her job. It is remarkable to me that I didn’t throw her out the window. Why do I always have to find the ones that think they are so nice, when they’re not? At least this ones says it behind my back and to my face, guess I should be happy about that. It makes for a frustrating time at work, even though I have so many people who appreciate what I do and who understand what my job is and who support me. Arghhhhh! And the thing is she is just not worth it. I hate giving her the power to elicit a response out of me and to make my day horrible for even a few minutes. I noticed that I treat her different. If anyone else asks for help, I will drop what I am doing to help them. But when she asks, I always say it depends, what do you need. Do you think she has noticed this? I have.

In other frustrations, this week I had to sew D’s pants again (cause D doesn’t sew). This is the third week in a row that I have sewn these two pairs of pants after they have gone through the wash. The first time, the little hook on the pants fell off, so I sewed a new one on. Second time, the dryer pulled both of the hooks off. I sewed them again, really well. This time, the dryer pulled one off, making a small tear and on the other pair, since it couldn’t get the hook off, it ripped the pants a good two inches. Uck a duck! So now I have bent the hook and resewn it all. The really sucky part is that these are new pants. They have only been used for about two months.

This reminds me of the video that Baby Jail had on her blog. The Story of Stuff is a very interesting 20 minute video about the cycle of consumerism. It is completely worth seeing, even if you do nothing with the information. It is enough that it makes you aware and it makes you think. And I personally was happy that someone else has learned the horrors of Hell-mart and is thinking they may not shop there again. We need to take some action, even if it is only passing on information. Education is key.

People forget how new so many things/ideas/concepts/behaviors are. 50 years ago, people didn’t spend money like they do now. 50 years ago, we didn’t have the environmental problems we have now. 50 years ago, people were happier. I am not saying that we haven’t discovered wonderful thing in those 50 years. I don’t discredit what innovation, science, and evolution has created. But in all that has happened, we have lost that sense of stewardship of our planet; we have lost a sense of connection with other people; we have lost our place in our lives, in history, and in the universe.

They say that 50 is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30, etc. And yet people wonder then why it is taking so long for people to discover themselves and their place. Firstly, we live to about 100 years old now. Yet we retire at 65. What do we do for 35 years? Then if each decade equates to an earlier decade that means that people in their 20’s are equivalent to children and people in their 30’s are just exploring themselves and finding love, etc. Years ago, you lived to 50 so you fit life in a very short time and you grew up faster. Well, you double the life span, you double the time it takes to grow up. And to retire at 65 with the knowledge that you could live another 35 years, how can one not have to revamp their whole lives – who they are, what defines them, what do they do. 50 years ago, your job defined you – you were blue collar, white collar, mother, etc. Now, you could be all of that in one week, let alone a lifetime. Innovation and evolution are all great things, but I don’t know that we have intellectually, emotionally or spiritually kept up. So many people act like little kids, needing instant gratification, lacking a sense of right or wrong, and not aware of consequence.

How do you discipline a 30 or 40-year-old person who is acting like a child? If it is not illegal, what can you do? Goodness, you just have to look at the response of so many smokers to the latest law to see how childish people can be. There is no care about what the consequence is of their smoking beyond their addiction. No care that second hand smoke is one of the highest killers of people, higher than the damage they do to themselves by smoking. No care that they litter the ground with their butts, thereby leaching the toxins into the water supply and affecting everyone. No, these people only care that someone has told them no. And their response is often just to blow the smoke in your face because you had the nerve to tell them no, you don’t accept their behavior. It is like dealing with a two year old who wants that toy in the store.

And I don’t think that I am not a part of the problem. I have my instant gratification moments; one just has to look at my library to know my weakness. Or look into my pantry. I may not shop at hell-mart, but I know that some of the brands that I buy are not environmentally friendly companies. I want to research more, but I also want my time to be my own. I don’t want to go to the farmer’s market every week and buy groceries, even though I know that I am getting better quality, more environmentally friendly goods, at a much higher price. How do you find balance? That is my goal.

Here’s my quote for this week

How about making “what am I thinking?” your mantra this year? Because your inner bitch knows it beats “what was I thinking?” any day.