2007 – the year that began as a struggle

You see I am feeling under the weather this year. I have had a low-grade headache since pretty much New Year’s. Honestly, the week following New Year’s I honestly felt like I was recovering from a hangover. I was so nauseous, exhausted, bleary eyed and just all around ick. I wish I drank so I at least would have a reason for this feeling, which has pretty much continued. Today I am again exhausted and bleary eyed and I have a headache and I am carb craving like a man craves water in the desert. So forgive me for not writing soon, but honestly, I have just been too exhausted to do so.

Mind you, this year has also started really busy, which doesn’t bode well for a person such as I who recovers energy from alone time or time with just a special someone. Take this weekend for example – an extrovert’s wet dream, an introvert’s nightmare (okay not really, but to an introvert that is what it seemed):

Friday – work, then gaming with A&J and B&C – rumoli – lots of conversation, fairly late night.
Saturday – YaYa, gaming with S&J – settlers of catan and Hombre for the ladies, Babylon 5 for the boys. Another late night.
Sunday – intense conversation with D, then shopping with milady, and then gaming with the D&D group. Another late night.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I had fun doing it all and I slept in both Saturday and Sunday. I just never felt like I had time to recover from a hellish work week and then I went right into an active weekend. I feel like I just want to crawl under the covers and hide all week so I can recover.

However despite my exhaustion and edginess, I am very proud of myself for still keeping my promise to not instinctively just react to situations. At gaming last night, there was an obvious miscommunication going on and while we were asking very valid questions to try to understand what was going on, the DM (D) showed exasperation, right after one of my questions, and said in an extremely snarky tone “I am the DM, so deal with it.” The table got really quiet and the first thing that popped into my head was ‘that was disrespectful.’ Now a combination of the tone, the impression and the words led to one of my buttons being pushed. Normally, I would have let loose with a very scorpion-like tirade, but no, I stopped, noted that the table was really quiet and bit my tongue (noting of course that my chin was stuck in its very stubborn tilt). Slowly, people started talking and continuing on, except I was still really upset and needed to just remove myself to calm down, so I looked around, realized that I had drank a lot of juice and like that, my bladder decided that it needed to be emptied. Grabbed a couple of dishes to bring with me and I went to the kitchen, dropped off the dishes, then headed to the upstairs bathroom (as I usually do when company is around, in case anyone else wants to go) and followed nature’s calling. The Hat came up a few minutes later to ask if I was okay, which was very considerate (thanks darling) if not necessary and when I was done, I was calm enough to return to the game. No one said a thing and I have no idea if everyone stopped cause they were upset with what was said or if it was in anticipation of my explosion, but I was very proud that I did not just react to the situation, but handled it very maturely. After everyone left, D and I talked about the situation and I explained my side and ensured that I was understood and then listened as D talked and I made sure I understood the DM’s point of view. It really was a miscommunication, but it is something that could have been rectified and didn’t have to go to such a level. Whether it needs to be brought forth to the group, I have no idea. I do know that I was able to explain again that spatial descriptions cannot be left to verbal only for me as auditory is not one of my highest skills, especially with noise and such to distract me. And I was able to remind D what I think a DM is responsible for and thus what I assume the DM is doing and will do. So hopefully, it is all good. All I know Dr Phil would be very proud of me, even if my doctor would have fainted from what I am sure my blood pressure was from biting my tongue.

And last week, the most practic of coworkers made a comment that also would normally have had me sending a scathing reply back, however, I took a mental step back and let it go as it really wasn’t important, especially coming from her. I instead followed proper procedures and reminded myself that instead of just instinctively replying, I could instead just let her hang herself as she is so good at doing all by herself. Again, very proud of myself. Though I would love to be well rested and not skingy feeling so that these wouldn’t affect me in the first place.

Lots of discussions have been revolving around kids lately what with so many of our friends going over to the dark, er, the parent side and having kids. It really puts me in a position of feeling like I need to decide what I want right now! I am happy for my friends who are very excited to be parents and such. Part of me though is stressed from resisting the societal pressures to feel the need to procreate right NOW! Part of me is dealing with the depression from knowing life is changing and people who I hang out with now will probably not have time to hang out later on. Part of me is sitting with the rest of my friends who are not choosing children and smirking and glowering at those who are choosing children. And part of me is sitting in the middle wondering what the hell am I going to do and how am I going to leave a legacy and wouldn’t it be nice to bring someone up with what I feel are proper beliefs and why should I have to give up my selfishness that demands that I be put on the front burner occasional in regards to priority. Not really helping in lessening the headache, that is for sure. Heehee.

And I made self-improvement a priority for the new year and I have been reading a lot of books in the last month or so on improving myself in clothes, attitude, risk assessment, DYI skills and such and I think part of me is feeling overwhelmed by it all. I think I might have bitten just a bit more that I was expecting or that I can handle at this time. Poor D and milady got to listen to me expound on how confused I am and how tired I am. I honestly just feel physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. It is like one of my chi’s is open and I can’t close it, my aura has a leaking hole, a psychic vampire is draining me, or I just am trying to handle too much and despite saying I would ask for more help, I just feel like huddling in the fetal position and hiding under the covers all by myself.

So yeah, that is why I haven’t written. Mind you, I have also been trying to keep to a more regular exercise program which means I also haven’t been on the computer as much, so that could have something to do with not writing as well. Heehee.

Oh and I promise to try to write more often so you get shorter entries. The last several have been fairly long... heehee oops!