Okay, back to the conversations from yesterday.
Drinking – the problem is not that some of my friends are trying to get me to drink. The problem really lies in that I am in a depressive state of mind and sometimes I think why not? Why not just give in to the temptation and just get sticking drunk? I have other friends who also had the same inclination to not drink and they have changed their minds. Why can’t I change my mind? It’s like I forget the reasons I chose not to drink in the first place.
I guess part of what bothers me is the feeling that I don’t even know who I am right now. I sometimes feel like I have forgotten who I was and in doing so, I don’t know who I am, or even, who I want to be. I look in the mirror and I see what I have become on the outside. That doesn’t tend to always make me happy because what I see in the mirror is not quite what I see when I think of me. But even more disturbing is when I look in the mirror and I don’t see whom I have become inside. I don’t recognize the soul looking back at me. There’s a big part of me that just wants to spend my time finding out who I am, but energy-wise, I don’t feel like I can devote myself to that ‘lofty’ goal. Another part of me keeps asking ‘for goodness sake, how long is this journey going to take? Haven’t we spent enough time on this?’
So yeah, that’s when that lovely green-eye sin comes out as it looks around me and sees those I have surrounded myself with. And while I know I am not the only one having the internal turmoil, I certainly feel sometimes that despite all the work I have done, that I am only at the start of the journey rather than somewhere in the middle. And the green-eyed sin laughs and points out all that everyone else has or is and what I am not.
Alrighty then. I just needed to finish that thought. It has been haunting my brain since this morning.
Oh and I am glad I missed the ‘debate’ yesterday between the 4 main parties (since when is the wildrose or what ever that ultra conservative party is called become a ‘main’ party – I certainly didn’t see a green party representative on that stage). What a load of name-calling, playground antic, and pathetic blame game that was. It certainly didn’t seem to provide an idea of what the parties actually stood for, but rather was just a playground to get in each other’s face. Supposedly helmet head (the head of the ultra conservative party) made an impression by not participating in the schoolyard antics very much.
And for a musical interlude, here’s the song that keeps playing in my head lately… From Smallville, Canceling Christmas this Year – Michelle Featherstone
And because milady reminded me how much I miss Charlie (Dominic) in Lost
I guess part of what bothers me is the feeling that I don’t even know who I am right now. I sometimes feel like I have forgotten who I was and in doing so, I don’t know who I am, or even, who I want to be. I look in the mirror and I see what I have become on the outside. That doesn’t tend to always make me happy because what I see in the mirror is not quite what I see when I think of me. But even more disturbing is when I look in the mirror and I don’t see whom I have become inside. I don’t recognize the soul looking back at me. There’s a big part of me that just wants to spend my time finding out who I am, but energy-wise, I don’t feel like I can devote myself to that ‘lofty’ goal. Another part of me keeps asking ‘for goodness sake, how long is this journey going to take? Haven’t we spent enough time on this?’
So yeah, that’s when that lovely green-eye sin comes out as it looks around me and sees those I have surrounded myself with. And while I know I am not the only one having the internal turmoil, I certainly feel sometimes that despite all the work I have done, that I am only at the start of the journey rather than somewhere in the middle. And the green-eyed sin laughs and points out all that everyone else has or is and what I am not.
Alrighty then. I just needed to finish that thought. It has been haunting my brain since this morning.
Oh and I am glad I missed the ‘debate’ yesterday between the 4 main parties (since when is the wildrose or what ever that ultra conservative party is called become a ‘main’ party – I certainly didn’t see a green party representative on that stage). What a load of name-calling, playground antic, and pathetic blame game that was. It certainly didn’t seem to provide an idea of what the parties actually stood for, but rather was just a playground to get in each other’s face. Supposedly helmet head (the head of the ultra conservative party) made an impression by not participating in the schoolyard antics very much.
And for a musical interlude, here’s the song that keeps playing in my head lately… From Smallville, Canceling Christmas this Year – Michelle Featherstone
And because milady reminded me how much I miss Charlie (Dominic) in Lost
posted by Taryn at 5:28 pm
1 Comments:
awww Dommie.
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