2021: Memory Lane

 

Every time you come around, you know I can’t say no

Every time the sun goes down, I let you take control

                Bad Habits – Ed Sheeran

 

I feel like this so much – competent, hard worker at work…sad, unmotivated hot mess at home.  Since my life consists of work and home, there is not much to kick start a change and add variety. So my solution is to take on more tasks such that I cannot do all of my work during my workday, so I spend more and more time at work.  So much overtime put in this year.  This way, there is less time spend being ‘at home.’  Meanwhile, some of my colleagues were putting up boundaries and refusing to work longer hours.  While I am happy for them, at the same time, it doesn’t stop the work from needing to be done and so on top of the work tasks I took on, now there was work being left by others that would get added to my pile. 

Every time we do a performance review (usually twice a year), I write up a list of my tasks and share it with my main manager (you may recall I work for several different managers).  Every year they are amazed by what I am working on.  They tell me I need to share the work I do in my core unit and train others to do these tasks.  The one thing they don’t do is actually action that.  It is added to my plate.  So now – not only do I need to my work as well as what is left over from others, I also need to make time to train others on how to do what I do – once I figure out who wants to take on more work.  Or if they do action it, they do it at a time when I am acting for them.  So now I’m doing my work, others’ work, the manager’s work, and being told to train someone.  Anyone else seeing the problem here? 

Yes – I know – I am the problem.  The sad thing is this is what happened at my last position as well.  It leads to frustration, resentment, exhaustion, emotional eating, and not being my best at home.  And this time, because I am already a mess at home, it is making me more sad and unmotivated. I have all these great ideas of what I can do when I am not at work to get things clean and organized and it just doesn’t get done. I spend time sleeping and doing the main chores.  Everything takes longer than it should and it feels like nothing actually gets done.  And I am just so tired. 

What am I now? What am I now?

What if I'm someone I don't want around?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

What if I'm down?

What if I'm out?

What if I'm someone you won't talk about?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

                Falling – Harry Styles

I don’t want to be a burden on people so I just don’t talk about it.  People have their own problems; why share my problems?  When I get to talk to people, I am so happy to be connecting that I don’t want to talk about my down mood right away.  But by the time I am ready to open up, it’s time to hang up and I go away feeling lonelier than ever. 

Last year, I made more of an effort to reach out to friends and do check in texts.  This year, I have been tired.  My brain is very energetic, but it doesn’t translate to action.  So I checked in less.  I stepped back from organizing events.  I appreciate those friends who tried to step up and do more.  I did a few care packages, but in general, I just haven’t had the energy. 

It’s been a tough year – so many people we have lost, so many terrible events happening, and we are just under two years from when we were sent home.  Let’s be honest – it is not looking good out there.  I don’t know that we will be able to do things any time soon.  I have continued to limit the news I watch and read.  I struggle to watch some of the shows I like or the books I read because of the bad things happening in them. 

I like working at home.  I appreciate this opportunity and ability.  That being said, I miss my friends.  I don’t know that I have the energy right now though to be social.  We had ndie over on Christmas Eve and after just a few hours of hanging together, I was exhausted. 

Come the new year, I am going to be acting in a new manager position.  This is going to have implications on the work I was doing in the unit – I won’t be able to help out on any work they would leave.  I am keeping a couple bits though – one until we are finished this main component and then I’ll hand it off.  The second I have asked to keep because we are in a critical point and because I feel like I am one of the few who is advocating, while taking action.  There is another who is advocating, but not in an action oriented, forward moving kind of way. 

Other than the depression and overworking, there is not much going on.  I see my parents every couple months still.  I think I saw my brother and his family twice last year.  Thankfully, most of his kids were able to get their vaccines – one is still too young.  We are staying as safe as we can, though it keeps feeling like things are getting closer and closer. 

Travel plans for this year are obviously on hold.  We didn’t get a chance to use the tickets we had for so many events in the city because we didn’t want to chance anything.  There are just too many people not being smart.

I had a third root canal.  Yay.  Other than that, my health has been okay.  I’ve put on the covid pounds – and they just don’t want to move.  I’m trying to find ways to be more active.  I’m hoping with the new position there will less overtime (at least to start).  I know there will likely still be stress, if not more.  I need to hire people and learn a whole new topic, so I am hoping that will rev me up again. 

Other than that, I am missing those in depth heart to heart conversations where anything and everything can be talked about; the flirty conversations that add a sparkle to the eye, a skip to the heart; and the casual touching that help you connect with someone.  I think those are what helped fill my bucket more than anything.  Now I am just trying to make it through the day, the week, the month.  I keep hoping covid doesn’t come to my house and no one close to me gets sick.  And if anyone does, that is not long covid or anything too terrible. 

I know I have it good – I have a job and I am able to work at home.  I have a home and food and money to pay the bills.  Sadly, that doesn’t exempt me from the fears and worries and sadness.  So as I end this year – I wish everyone a new year that has opportunities to fill your bucket, chances to connect to people however that may happen, and knowledge that this too shall pass.  Hugs!