I am so bloody tired.

I am tired of writing exams, preparing for interviews, trying to get things done while I manage my old job, my new job and all those extra duties in between. I am tired of being in a company where breaking the rules doesn’t hold consequences other than a small tap on the wrist. I am tired of my opinions being supposedly heard, but not respected.

Today is one of those days when I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until morning. I might even be able to do that today. I am that exhausted. However, tomorrow I am doing my first training session at an out of town place and I am dreadfully nervous and feeling rather unprepared. I know my stuff. (I have done enough exams to know that I know my stuff.) I just haven’t delivered it and so I am unsure of how I will do the training and I am feeling insecure. I know I will do well. I just want to do better than well.

This past weekend was BUSY! Friday night was my night alone. I bought a slurpee (didn’t finish half of it though), got a movie and vegged on the couch all night. I got “What the Bleep do we know; down the rabbit hole” the Quantum Edition. This was suggested to me by a dear friend though she did suggest just “What the Bleep do we know”, and not the quantum edition, but since I just missed the other one being rented, I got the Quantum edition. The Quantum edition is the same movie, just longer- there is the director’s cut which brings the movie to 2.5 hours or the 5 hour edition which takes you DEEP into the Rabbit hole. It is a very good movie (though be prepared for scientists) and I recommend people watch it. It is about the infinite possibilities surrounding and what decides a lot about our lives. There are a couple of quotes that I jotted down, cause I thought they were very important for me.

If you can’t control your emotional state, then you must be addicted to it.

To some extent, we are addicted to the feeling of stress running through our bodies and so when things are not stressed, something feels wrong for us and things are disoriented. I understand this and I can apply it to other situations as well.

And the Human Drama – reconnecting to a new concept

If I change my mind, will I change my choices? If I change my choices, will my life change? What can’t I change? What am I addicted to? What will I lose that I am chemically attached to? What person, place, thing, time or event that I am chemically attached to that I don’t want to lose because I may have to experience the chemical withdrawal from it?

The last sentence I thing is related partially to what I am going through. I am worried about what I will lose. It’s like losing weight – I so want to lose the weight, but part of me worries about what I will be like if I do – will I still be me? Will I become bitchy and unhappy because I am stuck in a place where the new thin me doesn’t think I should be? I have seen relationships where one partner loses a lot of weight and the other doesn’t like the new weight or the now thin partner dumps the other because they decide to play the field now that they are thin. I have seen friendships fall apart and though I understand that yes, it could be that the relationship no longer satisfies or grows with the person, I always worry what if (… that is my favorite game after all). So anyway, the point of the movie is to get you to think. I think for that alone it is worth it. Though “What the Bleep do we know” – the regular movie – is less than 2 hours and may be the way to go.

My remaining thought about this movie and my situation is that I am still focused on the How. D said something that I think may be true – we can only take ourselves so far and then we need an ‘observer’ to help us take it further. I think I need an observer to help me, because while I can see things, I can not see the How of things and that keeps me stalemated.

Saturday, I visited Ikea with J and D. It was fun, though far too expensive. Thankfully, I put back a few items.

Sunday was the Social Event of the Season with I&V. It was a lovely evening, with great friends and lots of conversation. Played a couple games of croquet (and if that was any indication of my ability this year, there is no way I am winning this coming weekend at the tournament.) Learned some dance moves and overall had a great time. Had a chance to meet some new people and catch up with some old friends. Too much talk about gaming and certain people were more indelicate than usual.

Quote upon arriving – by B – “Look, I am catching up to you.” - in reference to her loss of hair from the chemo. I have had very thin, fine hair for a number of years and it is growing back thicker every year. So for her to say that, it was just bitchy. Her hair is much worse, understandably, but the question comes – what really does she get out of it? It makes her feel more connected to me? Cause really it just pisses me off, though I was nice enough to let her talk it through and tell me her tales. I feel for B sometimes, but I just wish she would be more positive about things and feel less the need to be catty and bitchy ALL the time. There is a time and place. Every time and everywhere is neither the time nor the place. Be more selective and people will pay more attention.

Anyway, that was the weekend. This week promises to be busy again. Thank goodness for the long weekend coming up. I think I need a day where I can sleep as long as I want with no plans and no timed events. Here is to a early evening.