Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

I am relating to this song today, well, actually the last few weeks. I am really feeling like the world is speeding by and I am not getting a chance to see what is happening, let alone breathe. And I want to be there for my friends, but I am finding it hard to be there for myself. And so much is happening and I just wish I could yell STOP and the world would pause for just a few moments so I can see what is going on and maybe get a chance to react to it without having to react to so much else that is happening.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World

Work has a new person starting next week, another person from That department that seems to breed horrible, uncaring, selfish people. I am just hoping that she will not be an alpha because we already have an office 90% full of alphas and I am soooo tired of everyone going through the establishing the pecking order again.

Friends are talking about leaving Edmonton again. And not just one, but a few friends. It is nothing concrete yet, and may not even be this year, but my heart feels like it is mourning them already. I don’t know if my friends have any clue how much they mean to me, and I do try to tell them often. I just know that if these people leave, my life will be changed and not for the better. My life will change almost as much as when they first came into my life.

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

So February, as of today, looks like it might not be AS busy as January. I have a few friends that I still want to get together with, sometime, and I really need to have a day for me. It just seems like I can’t keep up and I really don’t know what I am keeping up to. I mean, things are good right now (knock on wood), everyone is doing well for the most part, and yet, it seems that the spring restlessness is starting already. So much I want to do, don’t know when or where or how to prioritize it. I feel like I have no time, but even when I do have time, I am stuck with what to do, or rather what to start with. I want my life to simplify, to slow down. I am tired of running at this pace when I don’t even know why I do it. And it’s not just the instant gratification thing, cause goodness knows, I am not instant gratifying anything right now. I just feel like I have to keep up, like there is some standard that I have to meet and that is… Just. Not. Me. I have never really lived up to society’s standards. I like to feel like I tend to scoff at them, though I know part of my upbringing is to appear to conform. I wear all theses faces for different parts of my life, for different people in my life and I feel like sometimes they are bleeding over. Does anyone know who I really am? I know I have been told before that no one really knows me. So the question arises: Is it because I am hiding the real me? Or do I even know myself?