You have a voice. Don’t put yourself in a box. Don’t let the polite lies of society silence you. – AnnaLynne McCord

I wish I remembered this quote more often. I find it takes a bit before I want to talk – to anyone. And then it takes a bit before I can open up about something I want to talk about. Is this just due to my lack of social interaction lately? Is it due to ongoing low grade depression? Is it still trust issues? I want to get out more and talk to people. I want to engage more and get involved. But I am also an introvert and my involvement meter fills very quickly – i.e. it doesn’t take much engagement before I am tired and don’t want to be involved. I need to talk some things out, but it takes so long for me to feel ready to talk that people are leaving by the time I want to start talking.

It’s been a tough week again. Work is the usual hectic, chaotic shite that it is. I could talk about the people leaving like rats on a sinking ship. I could talk about the amount of knowledge leaving with them and the fact that there are so few people left who have any historical knowledge. But what’s the point? Let’s be honest – work has not gotten better since November 2014. I question myself all the time whether I should stay and ride out this storm or I should leave. Will this chaos end without plummeting into scandal, front page stories, or sheer stupidity? I honestly don’t know.

Regardless, this week’s depression is based on personal stuff. It seems the beautiful new kitty we got in June had stomach cancer and Tuesday, we had to put her down. The cancer had spread, her cavities were filled with fluid making breathing difficult, and she wasn’t pooping or eating. Supposedly the previous owner was wondering if she was sick before I adopted her. Yes, dear, stomach cancer is a slow growing cancer that can take years to show symptoms and all of the puking that was ignored – that was a sign of things going wrong. I am trying to think more positively – like her last few weeks were spent in a peaceful household full of love, affection, and lots of spoiling. I want to think she was happy with us. It’s just sad that she’s gone.

According to conversation with SIL, D isn’t ready for a new cat. But I am. Not to replace Maisy, but because I love animals, especially cats. I want something to love. I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to feel purrs and soft fur and know that I am bringing some creature happiness. My soul aches for another cat. My heart begs and goodness knows my blood pressure is definitely lower with having a cat in the house. I want a reason to come home. Work is not satisfying, so let’s not waste time there. Let’s come home and share our life with a cat who is excited to see us. And yes, it can happen with a cat. Nox used to greet me at the door whenever I came home; she would totally ignore D who had been home all day, but when the door opened, she’d be waiting for me.

I like to think the universe is watching out for me. One of the kitties we had been considering at the same time as Maisy is available for adoption. I was sure she had been off the site when I looked after deciding on Maisy, but she was back on when I looked on Wednesday in a desperate need to see if there were any kitties who called out to me. So is it the universe providing? Is it coincidence? I’m going with the universe is providing. I’ve applied for adoption; we’ll see if I am considered worthy now.


There are so many other things I have thought about writing.
Politics – between the mania over the Prime Minister and the jaw-dropping shock that a certain individual is still a presidential nominee (really – the joke has gone on long enough – please) – there’s so much to say, but I’m sure someone else has said it.

TV shows – I wish I could talk about that. I am soooooo behind in preparing this year. Thank goodness for preview shows which I am madly taping so I can get prepared. And of course, D and I still have two shows from last season to catch up on. Ack! Mind you – if you are not watching Better Late Than Never with Henry Winkler, William Shatner, George Foreman, Terry Bradshaw, and Jeff Dye – please start watching. Two episodes in and I have laughed out loud several times in both shows. So funny!

Entertainment – so many people dying again and then there are reminders of who has died previously – gosh, it is so sad sometimes.

Myself – so many dreams, so little energy. So much to do, so little energy. So many hobbies, so little energy. So much weight to lose, so many emotions to eat. I’ve eaten out far too many times this week – and not that I didn’t enjoy the food. I just don’t enjoy the lack of weight loss, the upset stomach, the negative thoughts that flood my brain, the feeling of failure. I managed to lose some weight this week, which makes me think what could I have lost if I hadn’t eaten out. Such horrible thinking.

Books – I was reading a very interesting book this weekend – Random Acts of Kindness. I enjoyed the book, but then it hit me that I don’t really have a core group of friends. I have a few close friends, but not a core group that all hang out together. And I constantly feel like I am sort of on the sidelines. We all have busy lives, except mine doesn’t feel busy. It’s a very lonely world sometimes. Doesn't help I am reading a book called What we eat when we are alone. Teehee.

Anyway, it’s way past my bedtime, so I should be off. I just wanted to share the latest.

I am so allergic to stupidity that it causes me to break out into rampant sarcasm.

So many thoughts have been going through my head – as usual I suppose. Sometimes I wonder if I read the books I do because my life has so many dark corners or if my life has dark corners because of the books I read.

Finished Styxx by Sherrilyn Kenyon (where I paraphrased my title from) a bit ago, then D decided to read it. Absolutely great book, but let’s just say the first part of this 836 page book is quite difficult to get through. What the main character goes through is fascinating, horrifying, thought-provoking, and tear-inducing. And the whole time I am reading I am consolidating it with what we have learned of this character is the rest of the series. It is a great example of how your own perceptions completely taint how you view someone else. How does the quote go: Be kind to those you meet as you never know what battle they are fighting? This book changes your perception of this character. Sometimes, I wish we could have our book that explains what battles we are fighting. But more than that, I wish people could just look past their own colored glasses and accept that everyone is different and doesn’t mean they aren’t worthy of getting to know or treating with dignity.

I hosted a party for a friend’s birthday recently where there were some fantastic conversations. It was interesting to discuss with difference of going to the bars is now versus when others used to go. Sometimes I wish I was more a part of the generation just coming into adulthood. Yes, there are challenges, but the acceptance level is so huge now. I like that people feel like they can be more themselves now. What’s scary though is how humans seem to never be able to fully accept ‘other.’ Why do we have to be so scared? There is a reason sometimes to be cautious, but the bullying never ends even when the world has expanded its consciousness so much. I still don’t get why some people are so afraid of non-hetero marriage or non-monogamous relationships. Why don’t we learn from history? Why aren’t we smart enough to move on? Why can’t we let people love as they want as long as it harms no one else? And really, how does two women or two men or two men and one woman, etc. harm me?

Deep thoughts for a Sunday. That’s what I get for getting my chores done early and then tackling taxes. Oy!

Other thoughts – Yay – Canada won the final hockey game in the Olympics. We have done fabulously in the Olympics this year and we should congratulate all the athletes who did their best, regardless of whether it got them a medal or not.

Post office blues – I am still a bit peeved at Canada Post with this decision to get rid of door to door mail delivery. I purposely moved into an older neighborhood so I could have an alley, houses that are not within arm’s reach of each other, and mail delivery. I hate the community mailboxes. They are ugly. They don’t hold much. They aren’t up kept, so the terrain around them is often hazardous, especially in winter. Why couldn’t they try other option first? Like cutting back on delivery. Maybe we only get mail 2-3 times a week, instead of everyday. Mind you, I personally think they are already doing this. I swear I rarely get mail on certain days of the week because the mail person is just not delivering. I do mail out cards, letters, etc. This just leads me into this disconnect the world has, whether it’s big business (as the government seems to think it is) or individuals. A few years ago, D and I would be out for dinner and rolling our eyes at the table next to us who were all on their phones. Now, I am the only rolling my eyes as everyone at my table is also on the phone. Business seems to think we need to focus on online stuff; but what about connection? What about interaction? I don’t want to hold a phone; I want to hold a person. I want to converse in person so I can see their eyes, their expression, their body language. I want to go out for dinner and enjoy good friends, good conversation, and good food. I want to live in the moment with the people around me.

Which I guess is why I feel so lonely and depressed so often right now. We are surrounded by technology now and rarely people. I feel like I spend so many moments alone, doing my own things, and I know I really need to get out every couple days or so. I am sure part of it is that it is February. Winter is coming to an end, the days are getting longer and people are getting antsy. Soon, it will be safe to walk the sidewalks again.

The other day I pulled out all the figurines and decorative from the basement and unpacked them. Oh my. Some of the stuff had been packed away for a couple years now from when we had had earlier problems in the basement and we just hadn’t unpacked. There was so much and we had donated some last summer when we were packing up. It’s crazy. I am still trying to figure out what I want on the walls and where. And we need a TV down there yet, but I have no idea where.

Other than doing a lot of thinking, I’ve been knitting, doing puzzles, catching up on my magazines, reading, catching up on shows, trying to de-stress.

Work is crazy right now and this last week was better than the several prior, but… it’s so hard. We have a couple really important people who are retiring – yay for them – I’m happy they are moving on to their next chapter – but woe is me. That is a lot of knowledge we are losing. And the person who was working with me directly was not kept despite her excellent work, so it’s back to just me doing so much. And there is one person in my unit who is hardly doing anything and some of the things she is doing, the rest of us are questioning on the rationale behind it. Some of it is totally contradictory to other things. One is retiring and working part-time. So it ends up being me and one other person doing everything else. Rumor has it we are getting a new person, but they have no direct experience and so it will take them at least a year to be up to par, assuming we have time to train them. Add in problems with the unit I used to work in that affects my current unit and it’s just exhausting. And the old unit has some big changes coming – like complete management changes. Change is a constant right now. We keep getting told to just accept it and move along with it. How does one go about doing their job if it is constantly changing? If the changes are not being explained and so there is no foundation for them?

Anyway, lots of deep thoughts, unanswered questions, unspoken conversations, and lots of sighing.

We should talk about what we can do for me.

First – shout out to all my friends who are still enjoying the Calgary Comic Expo. I wish we could have done more than a whirlwind visit yesterday, but alas, that was all that was to be

Second – I have been trying for a while to write an article about this interesting book a friend lent me – The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A Liszt. It really is a good book with lots of great ideas and an openness I really appreciated. Honestly, after all this time, I can no longer do this book justice in writing a good review. I have already absorbed the lessons that interested me and moved on (i.e. read several books since then). I want to quote a section of their book though because I like the way they handled this section and it gave me a good idea of what the rest of the book would be like.

In most of the world, “slut” is a highly offensive term, used to describe a woman whose sexuality is voracious, indiscriminate and shameful...

So we are proud to reclaim the word “slut” as a term of approval, even endearment. To us, a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and please is good for you. A slut may choose to have sex with herself only, or with the Fifth Fleet. He may be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, a radical activist or a peaceful suburbanite.

As proud sluts, we believe that sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for good – activities with the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives, create spiritual awareness, even change the world. And, furthermore, we believe that all consensual sexual choices have these potentials – that any sexual pathway, consciously chosen and mindfully followed, can be a positive, creative force in the lives of individuals and their communities.

A slut shares his sexuality the way a philanthropist shares her money – because they have a lot of it to share, because it makes them happy to share it, because sharing makes the world a better place. Sluts often find that the more sex and love they give away, the more they have – a loaves-and-fishes miracle in which greed and generosity go hand-in-hand to provide more for everybody. Imagine living in sexual abundance!

I highly recommend this book, but only if you are interested, open, and willing to accept that there are lifestyles different from your own that can work. It is a how-to, a guide, a dictionary, and a story all in one. I think the book reminds you that everyone is their own person with their own beliefs, needs, desires, and paths in this life. No one way is the right way and sometimes, what path one is currently on is not the path you will always be on. Truly, a very interesting book.

Third – Back to the Comic Expo. What a whirlwind that was – up at 5:45, out the door by 7, arrive at the expo at around 10, get through registration and into the doors by 10:40. I was quite impressed. Ran into some friends in the registration line, then some by the autographs, and then we were off. We spent a few hours going through the merchandise section. My only complaint is that the booth layout changed a bit part way through making it hard to figure out which way to do the rows. Plus being a bit time-aware, we weren’t able to do this section as slow as we would have liked. We hit our favorite spots as well as checked a few new ones. I appreciated being recognized from last year and got to catch up with our favorite artists. I have to give a shout out to Blind Ferret – love these guys – we got the latest book and a giant Richard Squishable. It was just too cute! And they were not lying when they said it would be perfect for napping on. I laid on it yesterday and it fits so perfectly against the head and shoulder. Also to DPI Studios – who have exquisite prints. I added 2 new ones to our collection – one antiqued like last year and the other has similar coloring to Victoria Frances work which I also adore. We bought a few new prints from Brain no Worky and a gorgeous bookmark from Helmutt. And then our favorite metal work artists – Paragon of Design. Oh my – I love their stuff. Last year we bought a pin and a necklace. This year, it was a ring, cufflinks, and a leather cuff. I love talking to Amy to hear where she got the inspiration and what she was thinking while making the items. And the gems this year – wow – it was hard walking away with just the cuff. There were some gorgeous new necklaces. D got a fantastic new watch from The Attic. And of course, I made it to see Jennie Breeden of The Devil’s Panties just in time to get the last full set of her books. Whew! Last year, she and I spent a ton of time talking and by the time I returned with cash, she had sold out. This year, I got the last set as well as some of her additional books. If you haven’t read The Devil’s Panties – I highly recommend it. Her porn books are funny and explicit and so relatable. Her cat book captures the essence of cats so well. And she is a wonderful artist – she is gregarious, warm, funny, and if she lived here, I would totally want to hang out with her.

There was a letdown and waste of an hour waiting for Nathan Fillion’s autograph, which I did not get. Sorry Nathan, but hindsight being 20/20, I would have totally spent more time at the Corral listening to some of the panels or talking with some new artists, but alas, it was not a total waste. D hopped over and quickly got Micha Collin’s autograph for me. Teehee. When they said they were done for the time but we could stay in line for the next signing at 5 (that was 2 hours away), I left so we could hurry over to see the Supernatural panel. Which actually was perfect because the last artist I was looking for was Kirby Krackle who we found as we raced across the building to the Corral. I almost didn’t stop, but said screw it and had a great chat with the band and got their signatures on the two albums I was missing. By the way, if you haven’t listened to them – totally recommend it – I love their song Booty does Math. They have 4 albums out now and a fifth coming in July. Last year they opened for James Marsters and this year for Weird Al. Wonderful group.

Then we hit the Supernatural panel which was needed to rest the feet from standing waiting in line for Nathan. The panel was hilarious! Mark Shepard, Micha Collins, and Mitch Pileggi are funny. Mark is so hilarious and I can’t wait to see a spinoff from Supernatural called “Oh Crowley.” The three of them together was fantastic and it was amazing to hear when they had worked with each other prior. We laughed so hard. It was a great ending because after that it was the trek back to the car to start the trip back home. So almost 13 hours after we left, we had visited Calgary, seen the Expo, and returned home. A whirlwind indeed, which resulted in sore feet, big smiles, and lots of fun loot.

There is so much more to talk about, but this whirlwind has more to do before gaming tonight, so adios!

I eat them out for breakfast and f**k them for lunch.

Ahhh, Yasmine Galenorn – how I love your descriptors. You make me smile and shiver and tear up at all the right moments. I am glad I found you and please – write more books!

My brain is a miasma of chaos. So much stress, so much loneliness, so many impulses lying in wait. And surprisingly, for once, I am not stuffing my face in response. Hmmmm… interesting. Of course, the sad thing is I am not surrounded by my harem, who can take care of all of the above. Sighhhh….

Okay – I am being distracted by the sub-woofer for my computer. Shite, that thing has power – my feet are vibrating. Whoot!

Grab my shoulders, grab my waist now, take it lower, to the floor now – you go Britney! Tonight I am in the mood… Sorry, keep getting distracted by the music.

I did resolve some of the loneliness today by shopping and goodness knows I don’t need to spend any more money. Yes, you can all be sick with me – I did some Christmas shopping. I got some more stuff for my office. I picked up some excellent vibrant hair color – now to get up the nerve to do my hair blue or a vibrant red. Teehee! Maybe I should have picked up the multi-color pack.

Tomorrow, I have plans to hit Sears – big sale on iTunes cards. And then of course, my desk is complete and that bill should be coming soon. On a positive note, tomorrow D and I will decide if we need to do anymore painting in the office. I couldn’t tell this morning – er, early afternoon, if it looked good enough or if I really didn’t want to do any more painting. Hard to tell. If it is done, then I can start cleaning the room and we can start the floor, which is good because the desk arrives probably Wednesday. Heehee – oops! Thank goodness, it took longer to get than anticipated. Heh heh.

I am stuck in my usual quagmire – being an introvert and yet wanting to get out and have some fun. But since I hate to go out by myself, I really don’t have a choice – I am stuck at home feeling lonely and sorry for myself. Wishing someone wanted to hang out with me, but not feeling like calling anyone. Wishing old crushes would just show up or my harem would suddenly exist. I know my friends are busy and D is off doing what D does. And I have so much to do around the house, but I am finding I can only do things for so long and then I get bored or antsy. My PVR is quite full, but I watched two movies today and that is enough. I wrote some long overdue emails to friends, did some chores, made supper, updated some lists. It is bad when you go shopping just to talk to someone, even if it is the cashier. I did stop by fave co-worker’s and pick up some boxes. This just reminds me I need to start packing up the basement… again. Sighhhh…

I know part of it is that at work I am now part of a virtual team and I am the only person in the team in my office. My desk hasn’t changed, so I still see my old co-workers, but I am not part of them anymore. And of course, Friday my other colleague went home early and there was no one in my old unit, so I basically went through emails, which was good and needed, but lonely. Add on that most this past week I have been alone in the evenings and you get a really lonely moi.

Wah, wah, wah – I know – poor me - wallowing in self-pity.

Sex is always the answer, it is never a question… – you know, my iTunes is playing really great music with lots of sexual overtones. Even it thinks my harem should be with me right now. Teehee.

I was going to whine about the renos, but I am thinking my problem is I have these expectations or perhaps hopes and dreams and it just seems like that is not to be my lot in life. I was looking forward to having my basement back to being a cool place to hang out and visit my books and music and videos. Instead, I need to tear it apart again. I was looking forward to cultivating a harem, but instead I spend so much time alone. Perhaps I am just remembering past lives when I had all of these things. Maybe it is not what I am to learn this life.

Positive notes – my inbox at work is down to 19 emails. Yes! My sent items at work is down to 1741. Yes! No seriously, it was almost 2000 before I started whittling. I thought the inbox was more important than the sent items. Now that the inbox is whittled, now I need to work on the sent items. The bonus to waiting this long to do some serious work on it is that I have been out of my old position long enough now that I am tossing more emails that I probably would have a few weeks ago.

Also positive – Christmas presents are started. I need to make my list and start determining who I have already bought for, but it is a good start.

Positive - I broke through the weight barrier that has been plaguing me for a couple of years and this is the 5th week in row in which I have been in this new range. Whoot!

Positive – I have learned to shut my mouth a bit more on calories. This means I hate myself less. Teehee. I hate being that person who counts calories and that is all they talk about. I understand it, but I am not fan of it and when I was doing it, it was driving me crazy. Doesn’t mean I am not thinking it, just means I am not opening my mouth.

Positive – my office is starting to look like I may finish this reno sometime soon. We started last October, so I will be very happy when I can get things loaded back into the room.

Positive – Despite being part of a virtual team, I really like working in my new position. I think it has lots of potential; there is currently no overtime, so I get off on time; I really like my colleague; and I appreciate that my boss is not a micro-manager.

Positive – I have a great music collection. I am smart and interesting and, sometimes surprisingly, open about a lot of things.

Anyway, I should get to bed. Hopefully, once the office is complete, I can write more often and perhaps have some coherent thoughts instead of just a jumble. Plus I have great recipes I want to share.

I’m inclined to believe the burden of knowledge is more compelling than the weight of ignorance. - CE Murphy

What a productive weekend. I got everything done on my list and more. Despite the constant back pain, the headaches, and the desire to venture outside, I managed to get things done and even relax. I did take a bath Friday night and went to bed early. That was nice. Then Saturday, I watch Easy A (I am totally buying this movie – what an homage to John Hughes) before getting settled into so many little things around the house and then settled down with updating my book list – both have and wants. Saturday night, D and I stopped by a family friend’s retirement party. We were a little late, but in actuality, it was perfect timing. The honoree was just a bit into her speech and we were provided dinner and dessert and then it was off (before Karaoke started) to Save On for groceries and home to put the fresh bedding on and sleep on fresh sheets. Squeee!!! Sunday, I started the day watching Eat Pray Love, which I enjoyed. It was not as good as the book, but it was long enough since I read the book that I was able to not pick it apart and just enjoy it. My critique would be that the book resonated emotionally with me and the movie tried a couple of times, but it just couldn’t get deep enough, couldn’t get past the hollywoodism. Then it was on to removing the light in the office and starting the taping and mudding. After a few hours of that, it was a yummy dinner of chicken kiev, jasmine rice, and peas. Mmmmmm… lovely goodness. Then off to London Drugs for shopping and home to do finances and taxes, both of which did not rob me of all of my hard earned money. So overall, a good weekend. I wish we could have spent a bit more time with friends, but everyone seemed busy this weekend. And next weekend is Easter, so yay – long weekend! Sleep – I love sleep. Heehee.

And this week should be so much better than last – Fave coworker is back! Little boss is away. Deadlines are over. We can’t play with our main system on Monday. There is a retirement party on Thursday. I am out for dinner on Tuesday and then book shopping! And it is a short week. Can it get any better?!? I hope so! Teehee.

I finished CE Murphy’s book – The Pretender’s Crown. Wow! I love this writer for the Retriever series and picked this one up because it looked intriguing. It is not a quick book to read – it took me a week to read in my usual fashion, but I don’t mind. Honestly, it is one of those books that you put down occasionally, not because you are tired of reading, but because you want time to absorb the last scene. It is a fascinating two book series (supposedly more may come about in the future) with political intrigue, sex, passion, self-discovery, betrayal, and at the heart, human courage and love. Of course, after a book like that, it is time for Katie MacAlister – something fun, with a great plot, witty dialogue, and lightness. Some books can be quite heavy and while Katie is great at plot, she makes it a fun read.

Interesting thoughts I had this weekend - Save On is laid out in such a way that I rarely walk through the bakery section or even notice it aside from bread/buns. I was trying to figure out where to go for groceries this weekend and as soon as I thought of Safeway, I knew I would be in the bakery section hoping for croissant donuts and Mountain Dew. If I went to Sobey's, I would be in the bakery section for blueberry scones and a mini cream pie (coconut or banana - does it really matter?!?). But when I thought of Save On, my head jumped around from veggies to the dairy section and I wasn't tempted by anything else. While this is probably bad news for Save On, it made me happy to not have to tempt myself. Waiting until D was with me is also another coping measure since I tend to give in to temptation more when I am alone. When I am with others, I prefer to encourage them to give in. Teehee.

Anyway, I should finish getting ready for bed. I am sure I have lots more to talk about, but perhaps another day. I am going to wrap myself in this good mood and cuddle into dreamland.

Sometimes, I just feel so alone…

”I miss myself.”
“I miss you, too, Ali, so much.”
“I never planned to get like this.”
“I know.”

A co-worker lent Still Alice to me. She said this one had an impact on her and we briefly discussed the fears we both had of developing Alzheimer’s disease. I thought it was very interesting that two people, both with degrees and proud of our intelligence, would fear losing that intelligence so much. It has always been a worry of mine, especially as life goes on and I find myself wondering if I am as smart as I was once. Am I getting stupider? Am I letting my smarts go to waste? Would I lose myself if I lost my mind?

This book is the story of a woman still in her prime who discovers her faulty memory is not due to stress or age, but is rather the slowly being degraded by a harrowing disease. What seems like the simple act of forgetting becomes the scary reality of uncertainty. The book is told from Alice’s point of view, allowing you to really understand the fear, confusion, and perhaps, acceptance of early-onset Alzheimer’s. It is a hard book to read and yet, so hard to put down. I laughed and I cried, often. I agree with the protagonist’s view that it would be better to have cancer rather than Alzheimer’s. At least you have something that people can see effects of, that you can fight, and that doesn’t have a stigma behind it anymore.

I highly recommend anyone to read it, but be prepared to never forget it.

Crisis of Faith

I have been having a bit of a crisis of faith recently. It is a big topic, so let’s go to where this all began...

When I was in junior high or high school, I made several decisions, which have defined who I am today. One of those was not to drink. Another was to not have children. Looking back, part of the reason could be my rebellion against society’s mores (this is an on-going rebellion). Ask me then though and I would have given you a detailed description about why bringing children into this world is a horrible thing for our earth and society. Like so many of my age, I was interested in the environment and I wanted to help save it. Adding to the billions of people on the planet was certainly not going to assist in anyway. If someone wanted kids, there are enough in our own country who are not being taken care of properly. (Yes, we had foster children for a while.)

And this has been my stance since. Until a few years ago. Suddenly, I started thinking maybe it would be nice to see who comes out of the mixing of my genes. Maybe it would be nice to raise a child and show them the world as I see it and experience it as they see it. Maybe it would be nice to carry on my family. At that time, it was discussed with those in my life and varying responses came in. In my mind it was a possibility – if I could lose the weight. Goodness knows, I didn’t need to add 30 lbs (more likely 60lbs) to my already curvy frame. Back when I was sixteen, my urologist told me it was unlike I would have kids – it would put too much strain on my kidneys. I fully believed him. Since then, a few doctors have told me that I have no worries there; I shouldn’t worry about gestational diabetes or anything else either.

Friday, D and I were discussing our priorities, both short and long term. A rather heated discussion occurred over children. Were we or weren’t we? D was supportive either way. I needed to decide. (Did I mention I hate having to make life decisions on my own?!?) I honestly don’t know what I want. There are times when I think I would make an excellent mother. There are other times when I am not ready to give up my life style, my hopes, and my dreams to bring a child into this life. But as an intelligent woman, aren’t I be obligated to have a child? Shouldn’t I make my parents grandparents? Don’t I want to have a hand in raising a child? Don’t I want to do it better than others I know? Don’t I want my family to live on in history? Don’t I want a legacy?

Do I want to get pregnant and go through that ordeal? Do I want to adopt? If I adopt, how do I choose a child? That’s the easy part of having a baby – you don’t have to choose to bring that specific person into your life – not many options there. But if you adopt, how do you know who will fit into your life? I even went online and looked up adoption in the city. I looked at the kids currently available. I imagined myself raising one of the older kids. While less than 5 years of age would be awesome as I would actually affect their developmental years, older means they are able to fit into my lifestyle now. I could still go to Scotland in 2 years. Heck they would be old enough to take with me if I wanted. I could do this. But did I want to?

As Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat Pray Love, sometimes if you stop talking and start listening, the universe will provide a response. When I continued reading her book Saturday evening, I came across this passage:

But what if, either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity? What if you step out? Where do you sit at the reunion? How do you mark time’s passage without the fear that you’ve just frittered away your time on earth without being relevant? You’ll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you have been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don’t have any? What kind of person does that make me?

And it is true. I haven’t taken the road most traveled. I haven’t followed society’s mores. I have done some things that society is fine with, but only because they don’t know the whole story. So what if I don’t have children? What if I don’t follow that path? What kind of person does that make me? Am I doing the right thing by not having children? How will I leave my legacy if I don’t share my genes? How will I feel important, successful, accepted? What is my real need right now? Am I really regretting not having children? Or is there some other hole in my life that I am not filling?

Don’t think I have all the answers. The universe didn’t give it to me that easy – or perhaps I was so shocked by the empathetic thoughts Ms Gilbert wrote that I stopped listening. Either way, I am still a bit unsettled with the whole idea. There is a psychiatrist in me who knows all the questions to ask – the problem is I don’t know how to whittle the answers out of my thoughts. The easy answer is if I have doubts, don’t do it. But that doesn’t get to the root of the situation. That doesn’t mean these doubts won’t return. I would rather figure this out while there is time for me to make a change, rather than wake up way, way in the future and suddenly feel like I am nothing because I have no one but myself to choose my senior’s home.

And there it is – my crisis of faith - my sudden departure from the decision I made so many years ago.

You know, maybe if you ate more comfort food, you wouldn’t have to go around shooting people. – Lost

Would you like to know what I have been spending some of my free time doing –




The first is a wonderful doublet (I had an awesome pick of the front, but in my haste to clean out the memory in my camera, I pressed the wrong button and deleted it. It is being worn at the moment and therefore I can’t capture the picture again.) I believe the words tonight when I showed D the doublet with the new sleeves was “that is f***in awesome!” The second costume is not quite done and it is my take on Assassin’s Creed 2. I don’t think it has turned out all that bad, considering I did not have a pattern. So far I have done the cowl, the tabard, and the side cloak. Still to do - a lower piece and a belt.

Aside from that, time is just passing and I feel like I have little to show. Keeping this house tidy is so time consuming – well, that and keeping up on my shows. Sheesh! A co-worker asked what I was going to do this weekend and my response was “watch tv.” I mean, really?!? The weather is gorgeous and I am inside watching tv and trying to get the PVR back to a decent amount. Thankfully, it is under 80% right now, so I feel well enough to get to the computer and do some fun stuff on here.

Tomorrow the plan is hopefully to wash the cars, perhaps roto-till the garden, wash dishes, watch some more tv, and go to bed early.

I can’t wait until Monday night. That is when the next batch of deadlines is for work. Come Tuesday things are what they are. Too bad so sad if you didn’t meet the deadline. Whew! Of course, I have to make it til then. Thank goodness yoga has been extended to June.

Speaking of yoga – I love this class. There are so many weeks when the only thing getting me through is yoga. 90 minutes of me time – time to focus on my body, my mind – time to relax. Just thinking of it makes me start to relax some.

A&J lent me an excellent book – Such a Pretty Fat (by Jen Lancaster). The book is about the author’s journey in weight loss. When I started reading it, I so identified with the author right away. She has my sarcastic sense of humor. It was very interesting reading. I am in that journey myself and feeling the doldrums; the growing want to do something being defeated by the lack of motivation to do it. I walk. I get my 10,000 steps Monday through Friday. I try not to eat excessively. And still I hover. I am getting back into the habit of leaving work on time, which leads to exercising when I get home. Then the weekend comes and the steps decrease and the food decreases, but still the weight staggers. I bought two new jackets – one for winter and one for spring. Both are much smaller sizes than I expected, which made me very happy. So I know the inches are coming off. Why aren’t the numbers on the scale moving in a downward direction?

There are so many things I still want to do. Like with my weight, I am just not overly motivated to do them. One would say it could be depression. But I don’t feel depressed. A little lonely, a lot horny, a bit overwhelmed, but not depressed. I am feeling lost a bit I think. Both at home and at work. So much to do that I just can’t figure out where to start. D and I were talking about Hoarders and I was trying to explain how someone could get to the point they are on the show. How so much of the time it starts with being overwhelmed and not knowing where to start, so instead you don’t start. You put it off. Things get worse and while you acknowledge the problem, you are just so overwhelmed you can’t start. I feel like I am at the edges of that. I empathize with these people. I know I could easily become someone like that. Sometimes I feel like I am going down that road. So I start a project and I try, but there always gets to be a point where you stumble – some memory grabs you or you get bored or overwhelmed and then you stop. It’s like one step forward and two back. The goal is going forward, so at least I am trying.

I just feel like a year ago I was in a good place – I knew my job; I had my routines; I was organized. Then my job got played around with and I got to a point where I seriously felt like I was burning out. Then my job was played around with again and it has taken so long to get to a point where I can leave at the right time. But I still don’t feel organized. And this has completely spilled over into my home life. And in yoga being on chore night and suddenly, I can’t seem to get things done. Add in the trip right at Christmas and I feel so far behind in everything. It seems everyone has such exciting lives that take them out of the house and I rarely go anywhere. I don’t feel like I can. There is so much I need to do. If I could just return to that point where things seemed to make sense, where things seemed to get done, where it felt like I could have a life. That’s where I would like to be.

Alright – enough self reflection. Again. Teehee.

Big surprise, but I do have some things I need to get done yet, so until next time…

I’m cute. Let’s put me in charge.

This week has been hellish at work. So instead of starting with hell, let’s discuss some very interesting movies I have seen recently.

The Fountain with Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz - Spanning over one thousand years, and three parallel stories, The Fountain is a story of love, death, spirituality, and the fragility of our existence in this world. Honestly, when the movie ended, I just had to sit there for a bit and absorb it all. It is a fascinating movie that is both easy to watch and deep enough that you need to take time to think about it afterwards. I thought it was truly remarkable and very interesting. I recommend it to someone who isn’t looking for instant gratification that night.

Alpha Dog with JT (Justin Timberlake) – Surprisingly, it is a fact-based crime story of events that happened in California in 1999. The environment is the drug trade amongst the youth and what happens when one bad decision avalanches into several. The most interesting thing to me was that, since I had no recollection of these events, I had no idea how it would end until it did. Whether it was good acting or my belief in people, or even a combination of both, the ending caught me unawares. I hate to be vague, but I don’t want to give away the ending for those, like myself, who were not up to date on the entire story. It was really well done and very interesting and I do recommend it.

Open Season with Martin Lawrence, Gary Sinise and Billy Connelly – An animated film about a bear raised by humans who gets thrust into the wild. (Yeah, Ashton Kutcher is in it, but you can ignore that fact, just like I did, if only because Billy Connelly steals all the scenes he is in.) It’s a hilarious movie, full of comedy, great voices and of course, the all-important lesson that wild animals belong in the wild. I recommend it for those looking for a lighthearted romp. Sidenote – I so want the porcupine. So cute!

And books – if you are any bit of a reader, I highly recommend Jasper Fforde’s series about Thursday Next. These books have made me laugh so much with the play on so many things, like MS Window versions, photo radar cameras and grammar errors. If you know the classics, you will love the book more. But even for those like me who have a natural resistance to the classics, you will know enough to thoroughly enjoy these books. I am reading book 3 right now and they are bringing in a new program that seems a lot like the way MS Windows is developed, marketed, etc. So funny.

So h-e-double hockey sticks – remember how I have mentioned that there always has to be one in the office, well, since the moment I started, I have known who the primary one would be. This week was her week to express the qualities that make her the ‘one’. I hate it when people diss you to your face and then say no offense intended. Look Be-yotch, if saying that relieves your guilt, whatever. Because offense was taken just like it was intended. And then to have the nerve to ask for my assistance, which really was just a thinly veiled way to get me to do the icky part of her job. It is remarkable to me that I didn’t throw her out the window. Why do I always have to find the ones that think they are so nice, when they’re not? At least this ones says it behind my back and to my face, guess I should be happy about that. It makes for a frustrating time at work, even though I have so many people who appreciate what I do and who understand what my job is and who support me. Arghhhhh! And the thing is she is just not worth it. I hate giving her the power to elicit a response out of me and to make my day horrible for even a few minutes. I noticed that I treat her different. If anyone else asks for help, I will drop what I am doing to help them. But when she asks, I always say it depends, what do you need. Do you think she has noticed this? I have.

In other frustrations, this week I had to sew D’s pants again (cause D doesn’t sew). This is the third week in a row that I have sewn these two pairs of pants after they have gone through the wash. The first time, the little hook on the pants fell off, so I sewed a new one on. Second time, the dryer pulled both of the hooks off. I sewed them again, really well. This time, the dryer pulled one off, making a small tear and on the other pair, since it couldn’t get the hook off, it ripped the pants a good two inches. Uck a duck! So now I have bent the hook and resewn it all. The really sucky part is that these are new pants. They have only been used for about two months.

This reminds me of the video that Baby Jail had on her blog. The Story of Stuff is a very interesting 20 minute video about the cycle of consumerism. It is completely worth seeing, even if you do nothing with the information. It is enough that it makes you aware and it makes you think. And I personally was happy that someone else has learned the horrors of Hell-mart and is thinking they may not shop there again. We need to take some action, even if it is only passing on information. Education is key.

People forget how new so many things/ideas/concepts/behaviors are. 50 years ago, people didn’t spend money like they do now. 50 years ago, we didn’t have the environmental problems we have now. 50 years ago, people were happier. I am not saying that we haven’t discovered wonderful thing in those 50 years. I don’t discredit what innovation, science, and evolution has created. But in all that has happened, we have lost that sense of stewardship of our planet; we have lost a sense of connection with other people; we have lost our place in our lives, in history, and in the universe.

They say that 50 is the new 40 and 40 is the new 30, etc. And yet people wonder then why it is taking so long for people to discover themselves and their place. Firstly, we live to about 100 years old now. Yet we retire at 65. What do we do for 35 years? Then if each decade equates to an earlier decade that means that people in their 20’s are equivalent to children and people in their 30’s are just exploring themselves and finding love, etc. Years ago, you lived to 50 so you fit life in a very short time and you grew up faster. Well, you double the life span, you double the time it takes to grow up. And to retire at 65 with the knowledge that you could live another 35 years, how can one not have to revamp their whole lives – who they are, what defines them, what do they do. 50 years ago, your job defined you – you were blue collar, white collar, mother, etc. Now, you could be all of that in one week, let alone a lifetime. Innovation and evolution are all great things, but I don’t know that we have intellectually, emotionally or spiritually kept up. So many people act like little kids, needing instant gratification, lacking a sense of right or wrong, and not aware of consequence.

How do you discipline a 30 or 40-year-old person who is acting like a child? If it is not illegal, what can you do? Goodness, you just have to look at the response of so many smokers to the latest law to see how childish people can be. There is no care about what the consequence is of their smoking beyond their addiction. No care that second hand smoke is one of the highest killers of people, higher than the damage they do to themselves by smoking. No care that they litter the ground with their butts, thereby leaching the toxins into the water supply and affecting everyone. No, these people only care that someone has told them no. And their response is often just to blow the smoke in your face because you had the nerve to tell them no, you don’t accept their behavior. It is like dealing with a two year old who wants that toy in the store.

And I don’t think that I am not a part of the problem. I have my instant gratification moments; one just has to look at my library to know my weakness. Or look into my pantry. I may not shop at hell-mart, but I know that some of the brands that I buy are not environmentally friendly companies. I want to research more, but I also want my time to be my own. I don’t want to go to the farmer’s market every week and buy groceries, even though I know that I am getting better quality, more environmentally friendly goods, at a much higher price. How do you find balance? That is my goal.

Here’s my quote for this week

How about making “what am I thinking?” your mantra this year? Because your inner bitch knows it beats “what was I thinking?” any day.

Cheri Scotch is a truly wonderful person

D got me the bestest b-day present. At least 2 years ago, I had seen this trilogy of books in Chapters and I thought it looked interesting, but since it was in the November/December time, I am not allowed to buy myself anything, so I wrote it on my list and gave it to D who has been searching for it ever since, cause they weren’t there when D went back. So this year, D contacted the author via her website to ask for some assistance. She responded with a couple of ideas, which D had already tried. So she then responded by sending the first two books (they were all she had) personally signed by her to me. One says my name and Happy Birthday and her signature. The other says my name and Enjoy your birthday and her signature. They were two days late for my b-day, but I didn’t care. What an awesome gift! What an awesome effort by D! And what an awesome author! So to Cheri Scotch, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. You made me one very happy reader.

Thanks also to those who came to the cheesecake party to celebrate my b-day. It was most appreciative and I needed some time with friends. But please – no more cheesecake. Heehee.

Come what may

“I will love you always. When this red hair is white, I will still love you. When the smooth softness of youth is replaced by the delicate softness of age, I will still want to touch your skin. When your face is full of the lines of every smile you have ever smiled, of every surprise I have seen flash through your eyes, when every tear you have ever cried has left its mark upon your face, I will treasure you all the more, because I was there to see it all. I will share your life with you, Meredith, and I will love you until the last breath leaves your body or mine.” A Lick of Frost by Laurell K Hamilton

The girly sap that I can be totally fell for this line. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would love for someone to love me that deeply (and that diplomatically). In case you didn’t figure it out, the latest Laurell K Hamilton book came out and I spent the night reading it. Well, about 3 hours I spent finishing it (I bought it today). Sighhhh. What a totally lovely book. It was definitely one of the more emotional books, based more on relationships and finding where one belongs in another’s heart. And of course, the huge question of the book finally comes to light and I am glad that this isn’t the end of the series. Laurell assures us that there are at least 2 more books. Which is great because there is a part of me that is very invested in this story. Not as much as in her other series – the Anita Blake series, but really that is because of Nathaniel. Which a lot of people don’t get, but for me, I wish he could be real.

Anyway, two weeks into the new job and things are going well. I am getting lots of accolades about how well I am doing, which is great. The biggest complaint appears to be that I do things too fast. No, I am serious. They give me something that they say should take me a few days to find all the information and an hour or two later, I am handing them the information and saying, so what’s next. There is lots of learn and there are a lot of things I need to learn outside of the job to help me. But the people are good and while I sometimes miss the dysfunctional family of my old job, a large part of me is really enjoying the freedom of what I do now. So yeah me!

Today, I signed a contract to have some major renos done on the house. And I am not having buyer’s remorse, but I am having spender’s remorse. It’s a lot of money and while it will help the house so much in being more energy efficient as well as aesthetically pleasing, it is a commitment to limit my life for the next couple of years. We can do it. There is just a part of me that asks what I am giving up in exchange. Oh the joy of owning a house.

On a good note, we have the toilets in the house and hopefully, we’ll be installing those soon. We were planning on doing it tomorrow, but the exterior guy wants to get started possibly by the end of this week, so we will be tearing down the deck tomorrow instead. And then I REALLY need to clean my office. It is getting to that point of ack! I know once it is cleaned up, I will feel a lot better. Plus if I clean out the crafting room, that will help too. I also need to start working on the curtains for the house since once the exterior guy is done, the windows will finally be replaced. And I am so looking forward to new curtains, I just don’t know what to hang yet.

The Halloween party was fabulous. Lots of great costumes and lots of variety in costumes. And everyone said it was hard to pick an over the hill superhero. I can as Sailor Pluto. I found this great photo that I had at the party to demonstrate how upset I was about my planet being downgraded to a dwarf planet. I even wore white – I know – SHOCKING!! Heehee. I think everyone had fun.

Anyway, the first week after holidays was spent going to my new job, then coming home and doing a ton of stuff to prep for the party, then the party happened, then I cleaned up and this week has been continuing to go to my new job and trying to finish deciding on the exterior so that it could actually be done at a decent time next year (little did we realize how quickly everything would happen. Whoa!) We still need to get a plan in for the new deck that we want next year so we can get approval. Gosh, I can’t believe I forgot about that.

Alrighty, I should get to sleep. Enjoy my extra hour of sleep. It has definitely affected me since previously I would have gotten this around our holidays which totally is appreciated. Oh well, take it when we get it, I guess. Have a good extra hour everyone.

I am procrastinating…

I have to do a presentation for an interview I have this Wednesday. Ick! I have been working on it at work in between clients – so far I have a beginning 2 paragraphs and a whole lot of info. Does it satisfy the specifications? Who knows. I was going to work on it some more tonight as well as exercise, but I am just frustrated and easily distracted. I did some sewing, prepped some gifts for people’s b-days coming up, put away some baking I did yesterday (I made my squares…heh heh), watched some What Not to Wear, put away some clothes, read blogs, tidied somewhat, and now I am writing a new entry.

My latest annoyance has been working on not replying to ‘Thank You’ with “no problem” as that really does diminish the thank you. Oh My Goodness – is that hard to do. I am not comfortable with saying My Pleasure or even You’re Welcome, so I just end up nodding, smiling or saying Have a Nice Day. Eh, what is up with that?

I have been having some very negative dreams lately – two nights ago I dreamed that my car wouldn’t start properly, so I could putter it into forward, but there were no brakes and so I ended up hitting someone’s car. Talk about freak the heck out me, so I reworked the dream cause I would never attempt to drive a car that didn’t work properly. Then yesterday I dreamt that I got caught shoplifting at the Disney Store, except as the dream played out, I figured out that I had not shoplifted anything as the items included a Tinkerbell which I don’t like cause milady once said that J reminded her of Tinkerbell and since J is not on my most favorite list, I don’t like Tinkerbell and besides if it is me in a Disney Store (especially one the size of a Michael’s) all I would be grabbing is Eeyore which is what I had originally grabbed (the cutest little Eeyore toque, scarf and mitt set) and paid for, but ended up in the bathroom with these two women showing them how cute I looked with my newly purchased items – all because D wasn’t finished looking around the store and I was since I had spend all my money on the heavily discounted set. (And… breathe…) So I don’t know what they heck my psyche is trying to determine, but obviously it is upset with all my positive energy towards improving myself since it is all bad dreams, though for the most part they end on a better note cause I am manipulating them towards it.

I read a very interesting book recently – Godless by Pete Hautman. It is a young adult book, but very interesting. I took a quote from it because it made me think and nod.

Do they really think that attending mass will make them better, or happier, or save them from an eternity of hellfire? Maybe they do. But there are something like ten thousand religions in the world. What makes them think that they happen to have been born into the right one? I have asked this question several times. So far, I haven’t heard a good answer. Better to start your own religion, I think. That way you get to be your own pope.

And yesterday on Oprah, they had an Orthodox Muslim who stated the main difference between them and Catholics that they believe that Jesus is a prophet of God, while Catholics believe that Jesus is the son of God. How interesting. I agreed that it made more sense and was less radical that he was a prophet, rather than the son. If I followed the bible. Though I did do a quiz, which stated that I had a score of 64% on knowing the bible – I thought that was quite good considering I really have only read the picture version I got from a fellow roommate when I was in the hospital as a wee lass. I still think it is interesting that there are so many different religions and yet they all follow similar premises, similar commandments, and similar concepts. And yet most cannot get along with each other. Hmmm.

I have not been at my peak regarding exercising after work this week, though I have been walking at my morning break. I just haven’t done any treadmill and I am low on steps today. I need another 2500 to make my goal of 10,000 steps today. It is not looking good that is for sure. But I just have to do the best I can. That is all I can ask myself, right?

I have so many leftovers right now, I so don’t need to make any big dinners anytime soon. We actually ran out of our lunch dishes and I had to use some of my other plasticware. Sheesh, plus we have filled the fridge freezer and have some in the big freezer. Oy! Guess I really don’t need to buy lunch anytime soon. Heehee.

Oh and if you haven’t recently done so, I recommend that everyone contact Equifax and TransUnion soon and get a copy of your credit report, especially if you have shopped at Winners or Home Sense anytime between May 2006 and December 2006 or if you use CIBC. Better safe than sorry and it is free for both reports.

Did you know that I have a lighter that is in the shape of a penis? It has the veins and everything on it. I found it the other day and it still works. I am sure most men would not be amused to have fire shooting from their penis, but it makes me smile.

Anyway, I should go try to get some more work done around the house and try to do another 2500 steps. That way, at least I can say I procrastinated about my presentation for a good cause. Heehee.