One deadly Sin… coming up
One? Puhlease. I’ve committed several sins in the last few minutes… but today I am only going to discuss one.
Envy – A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another. Dante called it “Perverted Love” as it is a love for what others have, instead of Love of that which is beautiful, true and good.
I am really quite predictable; though don’t tell my closest friends that – I like them to think that I am unpredictable and surprising. But I know that I often ebb and flow just like life and thus have stages. The timing may change, but the feelings, the needs, the wants are the same deep down.
Envy arises usually when there are no big events happening and I have spent a lot of time at home. But we have been fairly busy. Even at home, we often are getting together with people. So why does it arise now?
Probably because work is dissatisfying right now and I haven’t done what I want to. So instead of just doing, I let the internal introvert out and she’s whiny sometimes.
Deep inside of me, past the very strong-minded introvert, there lies an extrovert. Someone who wants to the life of the party, who wants attention and who shivers with the thought of doing something ‘naughty.’ I understand why people drink. It lowers the inhibitions and lets the inner demon out to play. Sometimes, the inner demon is someone fun and free. Sometimes, it’s mean and nasty. I just wish people could be who they want to be without the crutch, the excuse if you will. How many times have I heard a friend say that it was because of the drink that they did such-and-such? I choose not to drink. I am not allergic, as far I know; I just don’t want that to be the excuse I use to do something. I would rather have the ‘balls’, so to speak, to do what I want and not have to offer an excuse.
However, I haven’t let the inner demon out in a while as of late. I usually only do so with certain friends, cause I… I guess I feel safe with them seeing that side of me. That is not to say that I don’t trust my other friends. I just have several friends now who I think would not appreciate seeing that side of me and so I don’t show it. So, now, after a long time of not letting the extrovert out, I am feeling antsy and envious. I want to be free to do what my inner desires want. I want to let go of my strict restrictions and just have a good time for the sake of doing so. And I want people to notice. I want to be the topic of gossip for a little bit. I want to spark someone else to let go of their inhibitions. Start of wave of fun and freedom. Damn the consequences and no regrets.
Even as I feel the extrovert smiling and nodding, I can also feel the introvert shaking her head and hear her mumbling about fools. So despite the fact that maybe I just want to dip the next person I see and give them a great big kiss, I’ll be boring, staid me. And I’ll be envious of all those who I imagine are having exciting, fun lives, because they are the topics of discussion and their drunken party image is seen as boisterous and attractive. I’ll imagine that I live a life where I can just take a trip at the drop of a hat and visit exotic locales and meet fabulous people from around the world. I’ll lose myself in a book and pretend that I too am desired by so many and that my smile is the highlight of their day. And just maybe, when no one is looking, I will do something a little naughty, a little dangerous and though I will smile sweetly, my eyes will twinkle with the knowledge that sometimes I too can be exciting. But no one will know, except for me, my partner in crime, and the fly on the wall.
Envy – A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another. Dante called it “Perverted Love” as it is a love for what others have, instead of Love of that which is beautiful, true and good.
I am really quite predictable; though don’t tell my closest friends that – I like them to think that I am unpredictable and surprising. But I know that I often ebb and flow just like life and thus have stages. The timing may change, but the feelings, the needs, the wants are the same deep down.
Envy arises usually when there are no big events happening and I have spent a lot of time at home. But we have been fairly busy. Even at home, we often are getting together with people. So why does it arise now?
Probably because work is dissatisfying right now and I haven’t done what I want to. So instead of just doing, I let the internal introvert out and she’s whiny sometimes.
Embrace your envy. Love it, pay attention to it. If you do, the desires beneath it will be unearthed with tremendous speed.
Deep inside of me, past the very strong-minded introvert, there lies an extrovert. Someone who wants to the life of the party, who wants attention and who shivers with the thought of doing something ‘naughty.’ I understand why people drink. It lowers the inhibitions and lets the inner demon out to play. Sometimes, the inner demon is someone fun and free. Sometimes, it’s mean and nasty. I just wish people could be who they want to be without the crutch, the excuse if you will. How many times have I heard a friend say that it was because of the drink that they did such-and-such? I choose not to drink. I am not allergic, as far I know; I just don’t want that to be the excuse I use to do something. I would rather have the ‘balls’, so to speak, to do what I want and not have to offer an excuse.
However, I haven’t let the inner demon out in a while as of late. I usually only do so with certain friends, cause I… I guess I feel safe with them seeing that side of me. That is not to say that I don’t trust my other friends. I just have several friends now who I think would not appreciate seeing that side of me and so I don’t show it. So, now, after a long time of not letting the extrovert out, I am feeling antsy and envious. I want to be free to do what my inner desires want. I want to let go of my strict restrictions and just have a good time for the sake of doing so. And I want people to notice. I want to be the topic of gossip for a little bit. I want to spark someone else to let go of their inhibitions. Start of wave of fun and freedom. Damn the consequences and no regrets.
Even as I feel the extrovert smiling and nodding, I can also feel the introvert shaking her head and hear her mumbling about fools. So despite the fact that maybe I just want to dip the next person I see and give them a great big kiss, I’ll be boring, staid me. And I’ll be envious of all those who I imagine are having exciting, fun lives, because they are the topics of discussion and their drunken party image is seen as boisterous and attractive. I’ll imagine that I live a life where I can just take a trip at the drop of a hat and visit exotic locales and meet fabulous people from around the world. I’ll lose myself in a book and pretend that I too am desired by so many and that my smile is the highlight of their day. And just maybe, when no one is looking, I will do something a little naughty, a little dangerous and though I will smile sweetly, my eyes will twinkle with the knowledge that sometimes I too can be exciting. But no one will know, except for me, my partner in crime, and the fly on the wall.
posted by Taryn at 9:54 pm
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