Not ready to make nice
So what’s the latest news on my life front? Well, Tuesday I found out that my position no longer exists in my department. Sometime between now and fall 2009, I will be relocated to another department. Isn’t that nice of them? I have been working very hard this week trying to remind myself why I should give a shite about this department and do a good job. I mean, I know the good job I have been doing, most of them know what a good job I have been doing, all except some big wigs in comfy chairs high above us low lings, who have no clue. I wonder at what the point of all my work has been. I feel it is all for naught since, once I am gone, the errors will skyrocket again. I have also started putting out feelers about a different job so I can control where I end up because the department they have been discussing is the one I turned down prior to accepting this job for good reason.
So needless to say, after all my work and my adjusting and starting to feel like I belong and maybe, just maybe I could do this job for a few years, it’s all gone. The fave co-worker is on 3 weeks holiday, so I sent him an email letting him know the news – if he gets access to an internet café then he may not be surprised before he gets back.
The pessimistic side of me says I should have seen it coming. It’s truly not a surprise – I did have a fairly good idea this would happen eventually. Just goes to show who you can trust. What is the point of working hard if you just keep getting kicked in the ass?
The optimistic part of me says it’s an opportunity. I didn’t really want to stay in the department – I have seen the corruption and I know it’s not truly for me. So I should stay true to my vision/myself and take what I learned from here, add it to my experiences and continue on my path.
Both want to reach for junk food to self-medicate. However, as I reminded myself this morning, my most fabulous of brothers is getting married sometime within the next 2 years (they aren’t sure yet) and it’s a destination wedding and they both like hot! Which means I need to renew my commitment to myself to be the best I can be, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I need to find what is holding me at this point and get over it.
Yesterday, I helped milady move – O M G – let’s not discuss the practicality of that. I have a new decree – no friends moving in the blistering cold of winter NOR the blistering heat of summer. The good thing of it was I got to catch up with her son, who is such a great young man. Also, don’t tell her but one of S!’s friends is kinda cute. Of course, it is hard to flirt and feel good about yourself when you are perspiring – a LOT. However, I lost 1.5 lbs yesterday. Heehee.
I am all caught up on Swingtown too – wow! I LOVE this show. My friend S told me that I am not allowed to feel like I am Janet (though I truly think my friends see me as her - the goody two shoes who doesn’t do anything bad and certainly wouldn’t be involved in anything too risqué, who is always in control and would be shocked by so many things) because she instantly identified me with Trina. Teehee. And watching Trina yesterday over the last 3 shows, I could see it a bit – what an ego stroke. I think I can relate on some level with all 3: Janet for her need for appearances to be a certain way and the feel of not belonging with all the changing times; Susan for putting that toe out into the flux of life and trying to experience it, and; Trina for being open minded and accepting and yet having that bit of self-doubt.
I know a part of me I have downplayed a lot lately, due to my intuition about some of the people we hang with. And I am tired of it. As my friend N says I am a very sensual woman and I like having that show. I need to accept that some of my friends are not going to be comfortable with me in my playful mode, but really, I can only respect their values so far without compromising mine and I am tired of compromising mine. I am tired of feeling like I am conforming. I have always been a big believer in stroking other people’s egos (among other things – heehee) whether it be by flirting or complimenting people with the truth. Why should I limit this? I like flirting – it makes all participants feel good. I wonder sometimes why it makes others uncomfortable and whether I should adjust who I am to make them more comfortable. Is that really my duty? Or should we all just accept each other for who we are? If you are uncomfortable with it, should the other person really change or should you deal with your own feelings? Isn’t that the gist of it?
Anyway – aside from all of this, things have been quite busy. Met with S for our final lunch in awhile the weekend before last. Though there were tears, we had a great time, she loved my gift (a scrapbook chronicling our 4+ year friendship, a lovely magnet that reminded me of her and of course, forget me nots). And when we said goodbye, we said it with smiles and caring and a promise to keep in touch. Then it was a rush out the door to camping at I&V’s cabin with A&J. Lovely time. Very relaxing. Of course, the Monday morning I discovered a dozen mosquito bites and by the evening there were over 2 dozen bites. Along one thigh from top to knee, there were 17. And each ankle looked like I had an anklet on. Sighhhh. Thankfully, we had left over anti-itch lotion from D’s allergic reaction.
Then last weekend, I spent the day with milady helping her dejunk and pack up the basement for her move. J wonderfully came over in the evening to assist. Then Sunday, my parents came by for haircuts and we had gaming that night. I haven’t decided on my feeling about Ptolus yet. It is quite a hard world – mind you, that could be because we have no dedicated healer in the party. Ikes! Our first big fight had me down to –9 at the first hit against me. Thankfully, the bard was able to save my ass as after the next person, it was my turn and I would be dead. Holy carp!
This week, you already heard the excitement. Friday night, I was at milady’s helping her pack and organize for the move and yesterday was the move. O M G – doing 8000 steps within 4 hours (So Many Stairs!) is a lot for me. I was soooooo sore. I think I would have been better if it hadn’t been so hot. As it was, it took a long time to get the energy up to make food after I got home and pretty much, I spent the evening in front of the TV catching up on shows – 3 Swingtown, 1 Holmes on Homes and 1 What not to wear. This morning I watched the updated Hairspray. I was kind of disappointed – I think the original was better and now I want to watch it again, because I think they changed some things quite significantly. Most of the actors were good though, but I remember getting into the whole segregation versus integration fight in the first movie and in this one, I wasn’t as moved. I don’t know. It was okay. Tonight – we are getting together for gaming again since half of the group is away the long weekend. Let’s hope it goes better. We desperately need more healing. I used a third of my healing potions already and with the lack of funds we have and the limited supply of potions, I don’t know how many more of these fights I can handle, let alone the group – I am supposed to be one of the fighter types – doesn’t bode well, eh? Heehee.
Sorry for the lack of updating – with the weather being what it is, I haven’t been on the computer much – too much thundering and lightening during the evenings and as you can tell, I have been busy most weekends. Plus with everyone else leaving the blogging world for Facebook, I have to spend a bit of time on there catching up. Don’t worry; I will stay a blogger. I am not the biggest Facebook fan. So yeah – that’s my life in a long nutshell.
So needless to say, after all my work and my adjusting and starting to feel like I belong and maybe, just maybe I could do this job for a few years, it’s all gone. The fave co-worker is on 3 weeks holiday, so I sent him an email letting him know the news – if he gets access to an internet café then he may not be surprised before he gets back.
The pessimistic side of me says I should have seen it coming. It’s truly not a surprise – I did have a fairly good idea this would happen eventually. Just goes to show who you can trust. What is the point of working hard if you just keep getting kicked in the ass?
The optimistic part of me says it’s an opportunity. I didn’t really want to stay in the department – I have seen the corruption and I know it’s not truly for me. So I should stay true to my vision/myself and take what I learned from here, add it to my experiences and continue on my path.
Both want to reach for junk food to self-medicate. However, as I reminded myself this morning, my most fabulous of brothers is getting married sometime within the next 2 years (they aren’t sure yet) and it’s a destination wedding and they both like hot! Which means I need to renew my commitment to myself to be the best I can be, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I need to find what is holding me at this point and get over it.
Yesterday, I helped milady move – O M G – let’s not discuss the practicality of that. I have a new decree – no friends moving in the blistering cold of winter NOR the blistering heat of summer. The good thing of it was I got to catch up with her son, who is such a great young man. Also, don’t tell her but one of S!’s friends is kinda cute. Of course, it is hard to flirt and feel good about yourself when you are perspiring – a LOT. However, I lost 1.5 lbs yesterday. Heehee.
I am all caught up on Swingtown too – wow! I LOVE this show. My friend S told me that I am not allowed to feel like I am Janet (though I truly think my friends see me as her - the goody two shoes who doesn’t do anything bad and certainly wouldn’t be involved in anything too risqué, who is always in control and would be shocked by so many things) because she instantly identified me with Trina. Teehee. And watching Trina yesterday over the last 3 shows, I could see it a bit – what an ego stroke. I think I can relate on some level with all 3: Janet for her need for appearances to be a certain way and the feel of not belonging with all the changing times; Susan for putting that toe out into the flux of life and trying to experience it, and; Trina for being open minded and accepting and yet having that bit of self-doubt.
I know a part of me I have downplayed a lot lately, due to my intuition about some of the people we hang with. And I am tired of it. As my friend N says I am a very sensual woman and I like having that show. I need to accept that some of my friends are not going to be comfortable with me in my playful mode, but really, I can only respect their values so far without compromising mine and I am tired of compromising mine. I am tired of feeling like I am conforming. I have always been a big believer in stroking other people’s egos (among other things – heehee) whether it be by flirting or complimenting people with the truth. Why should I limit this? I like flirting – it makes all participants feel good. I wonder sometimes why it makes others uncomfortable and whether I should adjust who I am to make them more comfortable. Is that really my duty? Or should we all just accept each other for who we are? If you are uncomfortable with it, should the other person really change or should you deal with your own feelings? Isn’t that the gist of it?
Anyway – aside from all of this, things have been quite busy. Met with S for our final lunch in awhile the weekend before last. Though there were tears, we had a great time, she loved my gift (a scrapbook chronicling our 4+ year friendship, a lovely magnet that reminded me of her and of course, forget me nots). And when we said goodbye, we said it with smiles and caring and a promise to keep in touch. Then it was a rush out the door to camping at I&V’s cabin with A&J. Lovely time. Very relaxing. Of course, the Monday morning I discovered a dozen mosquito bites and by the evening there were over 2 dozen bites. Along one thigh from top to knee, there were 17. And each ankle looked like I had an anklet on. Sighhhh. Thankfully, we had left over anti-itch lotion from D’s allergic reaction.
Then last weekend, I spent the day with milady helping her dejunk and pack up the basement for her move. J wonderfully came over in the evening to assist. Then Sunday, my parents came by for haircuts and we had gaming that night. I haven’t decided on my feeling about Ptolus yet. It is quite a hard world – mind you, that could be because we have no dedicated healer in the party. Ikes! Our first big fight had me down to –9 at the first hit against me. Thankfully, the bard was able to save my ass as after the next person, it was my turn and I would be dead. Holy carp!
This week, you already heard the excitement. Friday night, I was at milady’s helping her pack and organize for the move and yesterday was the move. O M G – doing 8000 steps within 4 hours (So Many Stairs!) is a lot for me. I was soooooo sore. I think I would have been better if it hadn’t been so hot. As it was, it took a long time to get the energy up to make food after I got home and pretty much, I spent the evening in front of the TV catching up on shows – 3 Swingtown, 1 Holmes on Homes and 1 What not to wear. This morning I watched the updated Hairspray. I was kind of disappointed – I think the original was better and now I want to watch it again, because I think they changed some things quite significantly. Most of the actors were good though, but I remember getting into the whole segregation versus integration fight in the first movie and in this one, I wasn’t as moved. I don’t know. It was okay. Tonight – we are getting together for gaming again since half of the group is away the long weekend. Let’s hope it goes better. We desperately need more healing. I used a third of my healing potions already and with the lack of funds we have and the limited supply of potions, I don’t know how many more of these fights I can handle, let alone the group – I am supposed to be one of the fighter types – doesn’t bode well, eh? Heehee.
Sorry for the lack of updating – with the weather being what it is, I haven’t been on the computer much – too much thundering and lightening during the evenings and as you can tell, I have been busy most weekends. Plus with everyone else leaving the blogging world for Facebook, I have to spend a bit of time on there catching up. Don’t worry; I will stay a blogger. I am not the biggest Facebook fan. So yeah – that’s my life in a long nutshell.
posted by Taryn at 4:31 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home