Crisis of Faith
I have been having a bit of a crisis of faith recently. It is a big topic, so let’s go to where this all began...
When I was in junior high or high school, I made several decisions, which have defined who I am today. One of those was not to drink. Another was to not have children. Looking back, part of the reason could be my rebellion against society’s mores (this is an on-going rebellion). Ask me then though and I would have given you a detailed description about why bringing children into this world is a horrible thing for our earth and society. Like so many of my age, I was interested in the environment and I wanted to help save it. Adding to the billions of people on the planet was certainly not going to assist in anyway. If someone wanted kids, there are enough in our own country who are not being taken care of properly. (Yes, we had foster children for a while.)
And this has been my stance since. Until a few years ago. Suddenly, I started thinking maybe it would be nice to see who comes out of the mixing of my genes. Maybe it would be nice to raise a child and show them the world as I see it and experience it as they see it. Maybe it would be nice to carry on my family. At that time, it was discussed with those in my life and varying responses came in. In my mind it was a possibility – if I could lose the weight. Goodness knows, I didn’t need to add 30 lbs (more likely 60lbs) to my already curvy frame. Back when I was sixteen, my urologist told me it was unlike I would have kids – it would put too much strain on my kidneys. I fully believed him. Since then, a few doctors have told me that I have no worries there; I shouldn’t worry about gestational diabetes or anything else either.
Friday, D and I were discussing our priorities, both short and long term. A rather heated discussion occurred over children. Were we or weren’t we? D was supportive either way. I needed to decide. (Did I mention I hate having to make life decisions on my own?!?) I honestly don’t know what I want. There are times when I think I would make an excellent mother. There are other times when I am not ready to give up my life style, my hopes, and my dreams to bring a child into this life. But as an intelligent woman, aren’t I be obligated to have a child? Shouldn’t I make my parents grandparents? Don’t I want to have a hand in raising a child? Don’t I want to do it better than others I know? Don’t I want my family to live on in history? Don’t I want a legacy?
Do I want to get pregnant and go through that ordeal? Do I want to adopt? If I adopt, how do I choose a child? That’s the easy part of having a baby – you don’t have to choose to bring that specific person into your life – not many options there. But if you adopt, how do you know who will fit into your life? I even went online and looked up adoption in the city. I looked at the kids currently available. I imagined myself raising one of the older kids. While less than 5 years of age would be awesome as I would actually affect their developmental years, older means they are able to fit into my lifestyle now. I could still go to Scotland in 2 years. Heck they would be old enough to take with me if I wanted. I could do this. But did I want to?
As Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat Pray Love, sometimes if you stop talking and start listening, the universe will provide a response. When I continued reading her book Saturday evening, I came across this passage:
And it is true. I haven’t taken the road most traveled. I haven’t followed society’s mores. I have done some things that society is fine with, but only because they don’t know the whole story. So what if I don’t have children? What if I don’t follow that path? What kind of person does that make me? Am I doing the right thing by not having children? How will I leave my legacy if I don’t share my genes? How will I feel important, successful, accepted? What is my real need right now? Am I really regretting not having children? Or is there some other hole in my life that I am not filling?
Don’t think I have all the answers. The universe didn’t give it to me that easy – or perhaps I was so shocked by the empathetic thoughts Ms Gilbert wrote that I stopped listening. Either way, I am still a bit unsettled with the whole idea. There is a psychiatrist in me who knows all the questions to ask – the problem is I don’t know how to whittle the answers out of my thoughts. The easy answer is if I have doubts, don’t do it. But that doesn’t get to the root of the situation. That doesn’t mean these doubts won’t return. I would rather figure this out while there is time for me to make a change, rather than wake up way, way in the future and suddenly feel like I am nothing because I have no one but myself to choose my senior’s home.
And there it is – my crisis of faith - my sudden departure from the decision I made so many years ago.
When I was in junior high or high school, I made several decisions, which have defined who I am today. One of those was not to drink. Another was to not have children. Looking back, part of the reason could be my rebellion against society’s mores (this is an on-going rebellion). Ask me then though and I would have given you a detailed description about why bringing children into this world is a horrible thing for our earth and society. Like so many of my age, I was interested in the environment and I wanted to help save it. Adding to the billions of people on the planet was certainly not going to assist in anyway. If someone wanted kids, there are enough in our own country who are not being taken care of properly. (Yes, we had foster children for a while.)
And this has been my stance since. Until a few years ago. Suddenly, I started thinking maybe it would be nice to see who comes out of the mixing of my genes. Maybe it would be nice to raise a child and show them the world as I see it and experience it as they see it. Maybe it would be nice to carry on my family. At that time, it was discussed with those in my life and varying responses came in. In my mind it was a possibility – if I could lose the weight. Goodness knows, I didn’t need to add 30 lbs (more likely 60lbs) to my already curvy frame. Back when I was sixteen, my urologist told me it was unlike I would have kids – it would put too much strain on my kidneys. I fully believed him. Since then, a few doctors have told me that I have no worries there; I shouldn’t worry about gestational diabetes or anything else either.
Friday, D and I were discussing our priorities, both short and long term. A rather heated discussion occurred over children. Were we or weren’t we? D was supportive either way. I needed to decide. (Did I mention I hate having to make life decisions on my own?!?) I honestly don’t know what I want. There are times when I think I would make an excellent mother. There are other times when I am not ready to give up my life style, my hopes, and my dreams to bring a child into this life. But as an intelligent woman, aren’t I be obligated to have a child? Shouldn’t I make my parents grandparents? Don’t I want to have a hand in raising a child? Don’t I want to do it better than others I know? Don’t I want my family to live on in history? Don’t I want a legacy?
Do I want to get pregnant and go through that ordeal? Do I want to adopt? If I adopt, how do I choose a child? That’s the easy part of having a baby – you don’t have to choose to bring that specific person into your life – not many options there. But if you adopt, how do you know who will fit into your life? I even went online and looked up adoption in the city. I looked at the kids currently available. I imagined myself raising one of the older kids. While less than 5 years of age would be awesome as I would actually affect their developmental years, older means they are able to fit into my lifestyle now. I could still go to Scotland in 2 years. Heck they would be old enough to take with me if I wanted. I could do this. But did I want to?
As Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat Pray Love, sometimes if you stop talking and start listening, the universe will provide a response. When I continued reading her book Saturday evening, I came across this passage:
But what if, either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity? What if you step out? Where do you sit at the reunion? How do you mark time’s passage without the fear that you’ve just frittered away your time on earth without being relevant? You’ll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you have been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don’t have any? What kind of person does that make me?
And it is true. I haven’t taken the road most traveled. I haven’t followed society’s mores. I have done some things that society is fine with, but only because they don’t know the whole story. So what if I don’t have children? What if I don’t follow that path? What kind of person does that make me? Am I doing the right thing by not having children? How will I leave my legacy if I don’t share my genes? How will I feel important, successful, accepted? What is my real need right now? Am I really regretting not having children? Or is there some other hole in my life that I am not filling?
Don’t think I have all the answers. The universe didn’t give it to me that easy – or perhaps I was so shocked by the empathetic thoughts Ms Gilbert wrote that I stopped listening. Either way, I am still a bit unsettled with the whole idea. There is a psychiatrist in me who knows all the questions to ask – the problem is I don’t know how to whittle the answers out of my thoughts. The easy answer is if I have doubts, don’t do it. But that doesn’t get to the root of the situation. That doesn’t mean these doubts won’t return. I would rather figure this out while there is time for me to make a change, rather than wake up way, way in the future and suddenly feel like I am nothing because I have no one but myself to choose my senior’s home.
And there it is – my crisis of faith - my sudden departure from the decision I made so many years ago.
posted by Taryn at 10:25 pm
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