I know I’m not the only one

What a crazy, busy time the last few weeks have been. In talking with my dietician last year, we realized that I had been saying my work was so stressful for a year. That was last September. Work has just become crazier and busier. We are in what friends of mine call ‘crunch time.’ There was an end to the tunnel though – I could see it. All of the overtime, all of the stress, it was coming to an end. Until our headquarters informed us that they are extending another program and just as this stressful period is heading into a period of calmness, the other will be ramping up with even tighter deadlines. The only bonus I can see right now is that the number of fractions to be extended is over about 80% less than the current program.

My mind keeps focusing on the fact that while there are 5 people in my team now, I personally have done about 40% of the work, which means I will probably be the main person involved in the next extension. I was so looking forward to that end of the tunnel – I could see the light – alas it was just the light of a train coming rushing towards me. It’s funny though that some of the people we are working with are amazed at how calm I am. Really, I am just doing that for them. They are already stressed and why should I add to that. If I can project a calmness (even if it doesn’t exist) and keep them from going over the edge, then that is what I will continue to do. There were so many times this week that I just wanted to run in circles screaming my head off.

So my goal now is to get my work done as soon as I can, so that just maybe I can have about a week before the chaos starts up again. The good news is that over two-thirds of my part of the work is done and on to the next step. I only have about a third left and half of that will be done on Monday. This weekend is the first in four weeks in which I have no work to do. This is truly amazing to me. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. Part of me wants to get out and have some fun. Another part of me says go to bed and don’t get out of it until Monday morning. There are so many friends I want to catch up with and yet, my head says cocoon – recharge – relax. My friend K probably did the smartest thing – he ran away to Banff for the weekend – away from home where you can’t do any work around the house, stay in a hotel where you don’t need to clean up after yourself, you don’t need to cook, you can just have downtime. Alas – I have stayed home and have been doing chores in between shopping and relaxing. I am thinking I’m going to pop some popcorn and curl in front of the television tonight and just veg. Maybe I’ll work on my puzzle while a movie plays. I’m trying to pace myself.

K’s hubby B recommended the new Sam Smith album on his blog and I got to say – what a great album! I am really enjoying the songs (perhaps you guessed from the title of this entry that it’s the album I am listening to right now.) I really like his voice, the lyrics are poignant, and yet it is all easy to move to and sing along. I didn’t realize how many of his songs I already had heard.

D and I are trying to figure out what to do next with friends and gaming. We really want to start up d&d again but who to invite. Who will be fun to play with and yet will enjoy and add to the story-telling aspect that I prefer. I am not a person who just wants to dungeon crawl and fight things. I want some story, something that gets to the heart of the characters. I miss playing, but after the last game and the events surrounding, I am a bit gun-shy. Perhaps I need something lighter, but can I play lighter? Can I play something not as deep, not involving an inner struggle?

And I do want to spend some time with my friends. It sucks how much work is just draining my energy. Part of it is just who I am; I tend to want to help people when they are stressed – whether that is just listening, offering some encouragement, or taking something on to help them. The problem is that I don’t have this person to help me. I have some friends who I can vent to. Poor K gets to hear it the worse and even I cringe sometimes at how it seems I can’t stop talking sometimes. It’s like I get all revved up and then it takes so long to just calm down. And A at work gets to hear some as well. I am not looking forward to this week. One of our colleagues has been away for a couple of weeks and truly – as annoying as it was that her vacation time got approval at this crazy time, it was a blessing. Things have gone so much smoother with her away. She wasn’t pushing back on stupid things; she wasn’t stirring everyone up. A part of me is actually dreading her return. I am hoping people will tell her to stay out of it all since she has missed so much – so many decisions, so many curveballs, so many process changes.

Anyway, back to my friends. I honestly didn’t know until Friday at 3:45 that I had nothing to take home and I had the weekend available. It’s hard to plan things when you don’t know if you are going to need to do hours of overtime. I’m doing on average 2 hours of overtime a day – on week days this leaves little time to keep the house kept clean, so any free time on the weekend goes first to cleaning the house and then trying to get some sleep and recharge time. Then of course, I want to spend some time with D. Honestly, I am just feeling like I don’t have the energy to go around right now. When we do get together with friends, it’s great, but then I need a day to recover. I want to start d&d up, but I don’t want to be trying to fit that in as well as seeing friends while work is stressful. But work hasn’t gotten less stressful. So what do I do? How do I balance this? I’m truly stuck right now with this dilemma. More changes are coming this year as well. It is exhausting to even think about it.

Anyway, Sam has stopped singing to me so that’s a sign, I should move along to my next plans – ensure the laundry is done in the dryer, make popcorn, and veg under the covers in front of the TV. Ahhhh – that sounds heavenly.