2022: Memory Lane

Beware the seeds that are planted, even in the most fallow of fields.  For those we lay with callous hands might very well prove to be those of our ultimate destruction.  Sherrilyn Kenyon Invision

So – third year end into this pandemic and honestly, I don’t know that things have gotten better.  World-wide, the following has happened:

• We have lost so many more people this year between covid, mental illness, accidents, age, and crime.  Queen Elizabeth II passed away. 
• The Covid virus continues to mutate and with new variants spreading even more rapidly across the globe.  As of December 29, more than 6.68M deaths have been attributed to Covid, though this is considered a conservative number and does not include those deaths caused indirectly by the virus.
• There is a Monkeypox virus outbreak.
• Russia started a war with Ukraine and we’ve watched in horror and despair. 
• The population of humans on earth reaches 8 billion. 
• Climate changes continues to prove it is real with the planet trying to help reduce the human population – between hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, heat waves, winter storms, floods, and fires.
• Violent crimes are up everywhere – from school shootings, mall shootings, suicide attacks, stabbings, domestic abuse, etc.
• Those of the far-right are being elected in more districts, regions, countries, etc. and they seem to be determined to tear apart civilization and humanity.
• Roe vs Wade was overturned, moving progress back by decades in the US.
• Women in Iran have had their rights stripped, including education and the ability to work (at least outside of the government).
• Elon took over Twitter and removed many of the safeguards on the premise of bringing back free speech.
• The Alberta premier declared that the unvaccinated are the most discriminated people and appoints an MLA as a champion for them (the position comes with a pay raise too).  
•  Inflation has gone through the roof.

 Sure – there are also some good things, but they seem so small in comparison:

• Covid has eased – more are suffering mild symptoms, mostly because over 10 billion doses have been administered. 
• ·Medical advances continued with Alzheimer’s becoming partially treatable, the first pig-to0-human transplant, spinal implants to help people walk again, and hair follicles grown for the first time in a lab. 
• Renewable energy is being used more than ever (I can say I am enjoying my solar panels).
• Brazil shorts to the left politically.
• More women and under-represented people are being elected.
• More places are recognizing and protecting same-sex marriages and rights.
• Conversion therapy was banned in more countries. 
• We got pictures of distant galaxies.
• Some animals have come back from the brink of extinction (though many more are threatened or worse). 

 99 problems… and b***h, I am every one.

It’s me, hi

I’m the problem, it’s me

                Anti-hero, Taylor Swift

Personally, my life has remained fairly steady.  In that, I mean nothing has really changed all that much from last year. 

I work too much, although I have made an effort to do less overtime over the last few months. Partly because my boss has asked me to and partly because I am just mentally exhausted.  I am still doing too many tasks and trying to help too many people.  I finally was able to hire my team fully up by September.  So many obstacles thrown in my way – a constant cycle of hurry up and wait.  Not everyone is in the same office though, so still doing lots virtually.

It’s been interesting being a manager again – for such a long stretch so far.  I like helping others learn and develop their skills.  I like organizing things and collaborating with others to develop processes and policies.  I had forgotten how many more meetings there are, how much time HR activities take, and how my time is not quite my own anymore.  I think I am doing a decent job, though I have admitted I am still struggling when to raise potential issues and to which level. 

I’m enjoying learning about the new topic, which involves learning new rules and regulations.  We are still setting up new processes and policies.  My team will become quite busy in the next few months for sure.  I know all the work we are doing is setting up a good foundation for the future, even when I am frustrated with everything taking longer and involving more effort than it logically should.

We’ve started to return to the office for a couple days a week.  I’m struggling with this.  I am aware I am more productive at home.  I understand the need to be in person and chatting with people in the office.  I don’t understand the need for us to be in the office more than once a week or once every two weeks.  Those on my team who are in the same office as me have selected a team office day, so I am using that day to give them one-on-one time discussion and then I make time to talk with the other people at least once every two weeks where we just chat and talk about their development.  I find the day is NOT productive and, in my head, I feel like I am behind.   Add in the second day in the office and my stress levels just skyrocket from feeling like I’m behind.  And I am refusing to do overtime on these days as the commute is frustrating with the new bus system so it takes me about an hour and two buses to get home now.  So honestly, once a week would be ideal to me. Sadly, it’s not up to me. 

I hate the feeling of this weight upon my shoulders

Pushing the pressure down on me

You think you want the best for me but nothing really matters

If you force it won't come, I guess I'm feeling numb

I guess I'm feeling numb

-          Numb, meg Myers

I feel like I am still a hot mess at home. Because I work so much, I am less motivated after work to do chores or cook.  I think I am even less motivated on days I go into the office because I feel less productive at work and because by the time I walk home, my knees/feet are killing me.  All I want to do is sit down and do nothing. 

I get it – I recognize it.  I know I have been struggling with bouts of depression.  It’s partly hormonal – with certain regularity, I have 2-3 days of just utter sadness.  It’s an interesting feeling once I recognize what is happening and boy can I tell when it lifts.  Like seriously, it feels like a weight has been lifted off me.  Gosh darn, the impact these hormones can have on one’s self.  Other than that, I know it is because my bucket is not getting filled - I am not seeing my friends regularly, I am feeling a bit touch deprived, I am not having fun or flirting conversations with people, and I am not getting the deep conversations with others that I need.  This is partly because I believe in science and I keep up to date on the news enough to be aware of what is happening.  Add in my natural introversion and I am not comfortable with lots of people around me or with people in my home.  

Because while it was easier to fight for others, the hardest fight would always be for yourself and for your own personal matters.to fight for what was right.  To fight for what you needed. Your principles.  Your causes.  And what you knew to be the truth. To stand alone in the maelstrom.  Those were the times that mattered most. – Sherrilyn Kenyon Intensity

So many people are not masking.  I mean, for pete’s sake, wearing a mask and washing your hands is so easy and can have an impact on the spread of the trifecta of viruses plaguing this side of the world right now.  It is really the least you can do for yourself and others.  I do appreciate that I have not had anyone say anything directly to my face – it could be because my expression pretty much says don’t ‘f’ with me – although not sure if it says don’t ‘f’ with me because I’ll take you down or because I’ll burst into tears.  Either way, I appreciate that no one has said something to me about it. It’s what I need to do to help me get through these times.  Just let me have this.

Although – wearing a mask and glasses is such a frustration in winter.  Add in a winter storm and there came a point when I was walking to the bus stop and had to pause because I could not see between the drops of snow on the outside of my glasses or the fog on the inside of my glasses.  The glasses can only go so far down my nose before they don’t really work for helping me see.  The positive is it does keep my nose and cheeks warm. 

The quietest people tend to have the loudest minds.

I have been trying to fill my bucket by doing things I know I like.  I’m still doing crochet and when I do it, I enjoy what I am doing.  Getting started is always the hardest for me. 

I’m watching way too many shows and I am not watching all that I want to.  I’m now involved in far too many streaming services.  Ugh.  I don’t know how I am supposed to stay on top of everything.  Thankfully, many shows are doing shorter seasons, which seriously helps. 

It has been a good year for music – I’m discovering and rediscovering artists and spending so much time on YouTube.  Honestly, YT has been my downfall.  I had a lofty goal of reading 104 books this year and staying on top of shows and crochet and instead, I’ve gone down so many rabbit holes in YT.  I did read 96 books, so that’s really good, but I could have made my goal if I wasn’t spending my reading time watching videos.  I’ve completed a few crochet projects and I have done several jigsaw puzzles.  I have also done some great singing via Rock Band.  That being said, we’ve discovered the Korean Englishman and Jolly channels.  I think we have almost seen every video on both of those channels.  Then I discovered so many ‘ship’ videos and am living vicariously through these.  Yes I have my fave people I am ‘shipping’ and no – you really don’t want to get me started.  One person described it best that those who are ‘shipping’ are believers in love.  I like that definition and it has certainly helped me get through this year. 

These videos led to learning more about the music industry and how terrible it is to young and LGBT2+ performers.  Not that I was unaware of what happened with stars like George Michaels and Elton John. I guess I just didn’t realize it was still happening at such a high level that it is. A performer’s sexuality doesn’t tend to impact my feelings about them.  It was common growing up to change pronouns in songs to relate to who I wanted to sing the songs about or because I misheard lyrics on the radio (I was sure Shawn Mendes switched between pronouns in Treat You Better).  Or to hope that one day they would swing a little closer to the middle of the spectrum so I had a chance.  I naively thought the industry had grown with the change in society. I don’t know why – I’ve seen in my own life that people are not all that accepting. 

And new singers I’ve come to love this year – for example, Meg Myers (how did I miss discovering her earlier?!?), Citizen Soldier (Bedroom Ceiling was the first song I discovered – and I went from wtf to I love this song and need to hear more), Louis Tomlinson (his recent album Faith in the Future is SO good), Emili Sandé (Hurts hurts so bad, but in such a good way), Charlie Puth (I loved Attention, but his TikTok videos of creating his latest album totally hooked me).  I think I’ve added 30+ new albums to my collection this year alone – both new artists and those who I already love (Jann Arden, Harry Styles, Imagine Dragons, etc.).  And I am already aware of about 6 more albums coming out that I need to get as well as those I am still trying to track down. 

So yes, I have a love/hate relationship with YT.  Not all I watch is related to music or ‘ships’, but regardless, I spend way too much time on YT and I have way too many videos in my watch later folder. 

Did anyone else see Don’t Worry Darling?  I finally got D to watch it so I would have someone to talk to about it. Olivia Wilde was advocating this as a women’s empowerment movie, but I don’t see it quite like that.  Oh I see how this has a theme of the patriarchy in it and women are fighting against it, but… I see this movie very different from how she was promoting it.  It could just be me though. 

One thing I did notice on YT is the number of people who are also struggling with mental issues.  I saw this (in various iterations) and I thought it was very well put.  I’m sharing it in case someone needs it:

Your skin isn’t paper… don’t cut it.

Your body isn’t a book… don’t judge it.

Your life isn’t a movie… don’t end it.

You neck isn’t a coat… don’t hang it. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful new year, full of opportunities to recharge, connect, love, laugh, and enjoy the beauty that surrounds us each and every day.  You are important and valued and loved.  Hugs!