I tried to be open-minded once. It interfered with my sense of humor.

Ahhh – Bucky Katt – how I love you! Sometimes, to have an excellent sense of humor, you have to be a bit judgmental. You have to be willing to step over that line into something not quite politically correct. I understand that and I love it.

So it has been another day, mostly spent alone – after yesterday, which I did spend alone. In fact, I went out to get a Slurpee just to really see someone. Teehee. I had several opportunities to spend more time at Kaleido with A&J, but yesterday I got wrapped up in filing – two hours to sort almost a year’s worth of filing, followed by almost two hours putting it all away. Oy! Then today, I was in the middle of decorating the office – putting up pics and organizing the knick knacks – so it was a job where you see actual progress and it is fun – who wants to interrupt those creative juices. Of course, once I finished the decorating, it was downstairs to start packing things up and tearing things apart. Which did not go as well as planned. Obviously, the people who installed these things did a really good job, because it just doesn’t want to come off easily. Oh wait, one of those people was me. Teehee.

It sucks tearing apart your own work, especially when you did such a good job setting it all up. It was nice to think the basement was done. But unfortunately, we had water seepage and now we need to tear down wall board (but first remove the book shelves to tear off the wall board), tear up carpet and I am leaning towards tearing out the fireplace. We finally got ahold of a contractor. He told us to find the weeping tile back flow valve and see if it is stuck. That could be what caused the seepage. Yep – that easy little thing. Of course, finding that sucker in a finished basement has proven to be a bit more of a challenge. Sighhhh. Still haven’t found it. Hoping it will be beneath the lower carpet, because if not, then we have to tear up carpet in the upper area. I am terrified to be tearing these things out. What if we find more things? What if our fears are true? I really want to go to Scotland next year. And I want to do without drowning in debt. What if we can’t? Do we put it off another year? Or more?

I failed at tonight’s guess the calorie game. The Hat and I went out for dinner to catch up and he took me to the Keg. It was really nice. I was debating between the Teriyaki chicken or the sweet Thai chicken. The sweet Thai chicken had more veggies in its description, but alas, it was also more calories. I ate a day’s worth of calories in one meal – because you know I didn’t bypass the bread and we shared an appetizer. Thankfully, I only ate about half the rice pilaf, but just so y’all know, the rice pilaf is actually the worst side you could pick. I should have gone with the mashed potatoes. Who knew? Obviously, not me! The bonus is I didn’t eat anything during the day after breakfast and I worked my butt off carrying boxes from the lower basement to the upper floor. Well, except for one box – it’s a little heavy and so still sitting in the basement. Oops! Teehee.

But I am not worrying about it. Overall, I am doing great with my numbers. Perhaps I should have realized that sweet and spicy would equal more calories. I have that inkling now. I know now that rice pilaf is more calories that potatoes at the Keg and really, perhaps I should have asked for more veggies – I didn’t even think about it until the Hat asked for it, but by then I was set on the rice to mix in with the sauce. I did leave half of the rice on my platter. I did leave half of the extra sauce on my platter. More importantly, I had a really good time.

We did have some interesting conversations. Aside from the usual TV and gaming talk, we were discussing relationships and how interesting they can be. Like how a boy and a girl can be friends and even though one is clearly attracted to the other, sometimes they are just friends. SIL says this all the time, but I think it is just because she is a bit asexual. But I do understand it. I have people who are such good friends, I just don’t think of them in any other way. Or even if I do consider taking it to the next level, something stops me from acting on that idea. I am not saying this is a good thing. Goodness knows it would get my harem going. But something stops me from taking it that step further. Maybe if I were more outgoing and had more friends, then I could be more of the slut my reputation says I am.

I know I need to spend less time cooped up in this house. I need a break from these gosh darn renos. Honestly, we were going to finish the office and do the roof this year. That was it. Those would have been finite activities and then we could have enjoyed the winter off. The Hat says I live in a money pit. I know all houses are to a point, but it really feels like it is getting worse. I need to get together with friends and start up my girls’ nite again. I know I will feel better once yoga starts, but winter is coming and if I already feel cooped up now, imagine what it is going to be like when there is only a four hour window in which I can drive (and most of the time, that will occur during work). I need to find some people for my harem who are not geeks, who will actually make a move or indicate their interest. I need to expand my group of acquaintances so I can find these people. I love my geeky friends, don’t get me wrong. I just want…I don’t know. I have actually been thinking of calling up an old friend who I chose to distance myself from. Why? Because I feel lonely and my ego is taking a beating and old crushes should not be allowed to pop back into your life and people should give compliments to each other more and gosh darn it, my breasts deserve worship!

And before it sounds like I think all my friends suck, please don’t take it that way. I have great friends. J contacted me every day and I could have hung out with her. I appreciate her friendship so much. It was my choice the last two days to be a bit of a chore doer – though Saturday I wanted to go the Health and Wellness trade show and ended up not going because me shy and hate going alone. It wasn’t her fault the times available to her didn’t match up with what worked for me. Part of me enjoys the time alone and being productive. Part of me wants to hang out with people and talk. My friends have lives. D has a life. Really, I am the only one who is really not involved in anything. I am the one who fixates on the past and wants things with a passion, but has no clue how to get what I want. Or even sometimes how to ask what I want. I think my skills at flirting have reached an all-time subtleness that doesn’t work anymore. I need to hit people over the head and say – me want sex now – you give sex. Or me foot hurt – rub and make better. Or me sad – you hug.

I remember when touching was a big thing in my group of friends – not cuddle piles, that would have been too cool – but just hugging and touching of the arm or the back. It used to be rare for you to be near someone and not touch them in some way. We don’t do that anymore. We scuttle our feet and look for permission and keep our hands behind our backs or in our pockets. Is it because people have taken advantage in the past or because we are all afraid of being accused of assault or sexual misconduct?

I remember the thrill there used to be to ride past a crush’s house or hang out place. Now we call that stalking. I remember when a hug was just affection and not a groping tactic. I remember when I didn’t feel like I needed permission to touch someone’s arm or take their hand. I remember when I used to feel free to be me. And despite my rebellion against society’s mores, I feel more smothered under the weight of society’s rules and regulations than ever before. When did I become this person? When did I start craving for attention rather than just accepting it? When did I become not enough?

Well, on that note, the dry cleaning is done in the dryer and I think it is bedtime. To sleep perchance to dream.

Cute but so freaking dangerous

Why do I do this to myself? Each time. I don’t really make plans, thinking that plans will miraculously appear on my doorstep and instead I end up doing nothing. I end up feeling very alone and wondering if this is one of those signs of insanity. You know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. The problem is every so often a different outcome occurs and it is fun and exciting. But most of the time, nothing happens and I feel alone. I keep telling myself not to anticipate things happening, but to do something about it. Then I get bogged down in the details and life continues plodding along.

Sorry, it has been a day and now into the evening alone. Leaves me very self-reflective.

The positive news is my office is done. Well, the reno part of it is done. The walls are beautiful with their colors and the new desk is gorgeous. Well, under all the stuff. I spent the day organizing the office and trying to get things into a place. The problem with a new desk is it doesn’t have the same features as the old desk, so I cannot just throw things where it used to be. I have no hutch. I have no single drawer or sliding keyboard spot. Nope. I have new sets of drawers, but I still have to figure out where I want everything. It is like moving into a new home. It is going to take a few months to get it all figured out. I haven’t brought down the crafting stuff for the other half of the desk yet. And the closet has nothing in it. Literally. We removed the bar and the single shelf. Since I had a lot of crap stored in there, I need a new idea for it.

There is a large pile of filing to do though. Since my office has been packed up since last October, no filing has been done - that is almost a year’s worth of filing to sort through. Sighhhh. Hence the break to write a new entry. The office is also the reason I haven’t done an entry in a while. Pretty much, I have been rushing home to do stuff around the house, whether it be renos or the other stuff needing to be completed around the house. While I appreciated the coolness of the basement this last month, I really didn’t like being down there. I always felt like I had to have the house closed up if I was in the basement and that is not really conducive to cooling the house down.

Other positives, all the doof diary – er – food diary input is helping. I am still not the biggest fan of my dietician; I think she could more effort into helping me. It would be nice if she actually looked at the info I provide beforehand and perhaps had something more to say than – how does it relate to the plate? Her repetitive use of that question makes me question her education. I am beginning to think she doesn’t really know what to do with me. In September, I see the exercise person. That should be interesting. I have been walking at least once a day while at work, but I have not done any dedicated stuff at home. I have been blaming renos and the heat, which is most of the reason, but I am also bored. Bored with exercising, bored with my life, just bored.

Despite the boredom, or maybe it is part of the package, my sex drive has been through the roof. Yeah, yeah, the squeamish types can skip this paragraph. But I just gotta say, “Universe, I really could use some assistance with that harem of mine.” I am very happy it is going like crazy again, but I would be happier if I had more outlets for this energy. And I could totally get on board with using sex as my dedicated exercise. Teehee.

Work is okay. I am not nearly as busy as before, which means less stress and I definitely get off on time now. It also means there is a lack of initiative to do things. This job really is about 25% of what I used to do and it seems it takes even longer to get things approved. Honestly, I created a document that would be very useful. My new team reviewed it. I had a couple people in the other unit to test it to ensure it would work for them. Then I got told the higher up of that unit needed to approve it. I sent it off to her. Then she said that middle management needed to approve it. I sent it out. I had a timeline. 75% of them replied in that time frame. Then it got suggested by the higher up that we should have a conference call. That was two weeks ago. It has been rescheduled to two weeks from now. Oh. My. Goodness. My patience is pretty much at the end. I wanted this out almost two months ago. It is needed right now. And then there is the pilot project they want to do. I get we are a new division. But we have existed since April and we have been encouraging people to deal with us since then. Don’t try to tell us that as of October, we will have to say no to specific people because they are not part of the pilot project. That is a HUGE step backwards. It is just so frustrating. It is better than my last job, but I guess I got used to being really productive at that job and now… I feel like I am not so much.

I am guessing a lot of the boredom in my life is both from my work and my home life. I spend so much time ‘alone’ at work, seeing as I am the only person in my division in the office – I am part of a virtual team. Then I come home and I spend so much time alone. I am a very interesting person, but sometimes I shouldn’t spend so much time with myself. I get to thinking and as Gaston said, it is a dangerous pastime. I start thinking about different things and questioning things and occasionally my filter disappears and the questions slip out to friends. Heehee… oops! I am a very curious person, but I often let my filters keep my mouth shut. That is not necessarily a good thing. Interesting is my filters never used to exist when it came to anything sexual, but now I tend not to ask all the questions in my mind. Probably a good thing for most of my friends, but I miss that part of me. Now I coach my questions, if I ask them at all.

Anyway, J totally saved me today and took me out to the Lantern Parade at Kaleido. It was kinda funky. Saw an artist at the gallery that both she and I liked. Amazing work, exquisite detail, beautiful colors. The parade was interesting – lampshade people on stilts and bird-like people on stilts. Then a gorgeous mosquito dragon. Some of the lanterns were cool. There is more going on tomorrow on 118th avenue, so go on down if you are interested. Lots of free music. Pancake breakfast at 10. It is also going on Sunday. Then when we got back to my place, the Northern Lights were dancing like crazy across the sky. They were just stunning and they remind me why I live in Edmonton.

Now, it is quite late, so I am off to bed. More filing and cleaning to do tomorrow. And perhaps some tidying of the basement. Perhaps a trip to a health and wellness show. Perhaps I shall spend the day in my pjs, watching tv. Who knows.