2012: Memory Lane

Following my tradition, it is that time of year to review the last year and ponder all that has occurred – the highs, the lows, and all the rest.

The year started on a note that hindsight shows as being very indicative of the year. It was a mix of conversing with some interesting people and being utterly disappointed by someone’s reaction. It was intriguing because my disappointment ran so deep and it really affected how I saw this person and acted around them. Add in the fact that I was already feeling like I was putting myself and my desires on the back burner due to the perceptions of other people and I really started the year with a need to be my authentic self.

Never sacrifice who you are just because someone has a problem with it.

Aside from that, I was on a high – I had done really well with losing weight and continued to into February. Then the pcn group’s fatal flaw came evident. They are truly big believers that if you have lost 10% of your body weight that you are pretty much done; it will be impossible for you lose any more weight. This thinking derailed me. Despite the fact that my dietician and exercise specialist were extremely complimentary on all the work I had done, they honestly did not believe I would lose anymore, despite my proof in the first two months to do just that. I took this theory to heart and lost my motivation, my good habits, and my belief in myself. On this front, it has been a year of struggle. I have fought myself, my body, my beliefs, the pcn’s vision and so much more. With everything that has happened, I have only gained 4 pounds when compared to a year ago. And this I have to be proud of. Considering all that has happened, I think this is evidence that I can do it and I can do more; this is proof that many of the lifestyle changes I have made have taken root and I have optimism and a bit of motivation again. While this may not impress the pcn group, it means a lot to me.

Sometimes you need to step outside, get some air, and remind yourself of who you are and who you want to be.

February did have a good note – we welcomed a beautiful new niece in the family. She has been a joy to watch grow and learn. I fulfilled my promise of providing a library for her and have since moved into the toy section. So many new toys to see and play with! I look forward to more good times with her and teaching her how cool her aunt is while still being wrapped around her darling little finger… teehee.

Thank you for bringing a spot of brightness into my life.

The next few months were crazy. Between planning a visit to the Calgary Expo and our trip to Scotland and of course life, it was chaotic. The Calgary Expo was fantastic. Our first visit to the Expo and our main reason for going was James Marsters was doing a concert. Though we planned to go with friends, we ended up doing most of it by ourselves; we visited so many artists, including Looking For Group, saw several panels, re-learned how cool Wil Wheaton is and got insights into Fringe. James’ concert was fabulous. We met great people, learned new cool stuff, and despite the chaos of the Expo, we really enjoyed ourselves.

Do not give up – the beginning is always the hardest.

D and I were silly and did most of the planning for the Scotland trip ourselves. Not easy to do – with the time difference, the lack of long distance calling we have at home, and never having been there – it is a testament that we made it. One of the interesting facets of planning was learning how different D and I are for travel. I am very linear, organized, and well planned at home. D knows I have it all planned, doesn’t really care, and goes with the flow. We are complete opposites when we travel. I am all about spontaneity, going with how we feel at the time, and just being in the moment. D wants to know where we are sleeping every night and while plans don’t need to be rigid, they should be fairly detailed. Fascinating – frustrating – stressful.

Wishing you the treasure of happy yesterdays and the gift of bright tomorrows.

But let me say – the trip was amazing. We enjoyed ourselves. We conversed with interesting people and saw history and experienced a different way of life. We haven’t really travelled together and so were very unsure of how it would go. We hardly argued, but on the rare occasion when we did, we could easily contribute it to being tired and/or hungry. So as long as one or both of us recognized that the other was getting a little bitchy, we could head off any problems by recommending a rest and/or food. And the food – oh my – we were told to keep our expectations low on the food, but my mouth still salivates at the thought of some our meals. The fish was so fresh, the steaks were so tender, and breakfasts so filling. And the people – from the time we landed until we left, the people were fantastic and fascinating and open. There are always a few ‘drive you nuts’ kind of people around, but for the most part, they were so friendly and took us under their wing. We came back from that trip energized, feeling inspired, and feeling like we were the best we had ever been. It was a wonderful trip and I long to do another.

My world is a little brighter because you are in it.

And then we came home and it was… hell. Though we had been gone only 3 weeks, it felt a lifetime. Stuff happened while we were gone that we had to deal with. It seems like we had to reacquaint ourselves with our friends. We were stressed and yet still energized from the trip. There so many things happening – I did some modeling, we had some friends get married – but at the same time, it was so quiet. It felt like something was wrong, but no one knew what. You ever have that feeling that something is happening behind the scenes and you don’t know what? We tried really hard to reconnect with friends and some were easier than others. We attended a variety of functions and enjoyed our friends when we saw them. There was a lot of drama going on in other people’s lives and so when something feels wrong, I assume it has to do with something they are going through. I let them know I am there if they need me, but I don’t generally push. Accepting who people are has been a goal of mine and I like to think I am open.

Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.

There was a humidity problem in the house and I spent some time trying to determine its cause and solution. I have confirmed there is a big reno is the future, that does not include the roof yet. There were some car issues due to the fact that the cars are getting older. Some research was done into getting a new car (with heated seats – yay!), but we need the reno done first. September and October were crazy with parties and D was out of the city for over a week for play and then business. Then I had holidays and it was different kind of holidays – there were still the regular annual appointments, but there seemed to be more time to chill and do other stuff. And then of course co-planning for the Halloween party, which I think was a fabulous success. It was great fun, lots of activities, great conversations and I didn’t get to bed until after 4 in the morning.

Good communication is stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after. Anne Morrow Lindbergh

So many things came to a culmination in the last couple months – both good and not so good. Part of the stress of this year has been due to gaming – my group plays generally every second week though it has seemed to be more every third week and we are going into the second/third/fourth year of a storyline. Honestly, it has been going on so long, I don’t know how long it has been going on. This year has been building – we know we are nearing the end, but it also feels like we have no time to regroup, to generate energy, recover, however you want to describe it. It feels like the gm has just thrown so much on us and I know I have felt overwhelmed. And some of it is tough situations – like dealing with someone who has been incestuously abused, being framed as the bad guy while you are working your ass off to save the world and you can’t tell anyone, having everything you’ve done and say be misconstrued by the other players as well as npcs. You don’t want quit because you want to finish, you know you are the hero and you just want to do what needs to be done, you have an end goal in mind. At the same time, it is mentally and emotionally draining. I found myself often exhausted after the games and for days afterwards - not being able sleep, dreaming about what to do, conversation to have. Two members of the group have left. Part of it I think is related the game and part of it to things in their lives, but I don’t know the entire story. I was tempted to quit the game myself and just write the ending as I wanted it here and let it go. I wish we could have just finished it with the full team, but alas, that is life. So we are bringing two new people in so we can finish the story. I don’t know how this will affect the outcome or if it will bring new energy into the group so we do not feel overwhelmed and maybe feel like we can do what we need to do. We’ll see how things go.

If you care too much about what other people think, you will always be… their prisoner.

I had a milestone birthday this year. I normally don’t celebrate my birthday because I don’t have lot of positivity around my birthday. There often seems to be drama and either my birthday gets ignored or it is just not a good time. I decided this year though I wanted to celebrate. I wanted a party with some of my closest friends. Due to things that happened, it took me a long time to decide who to invite. It was probably one of the most stressful things I had to do. We didn’t do really anything special on the day – I made my favorite supper and we watched our favorite shows. But as history has shown, the day can’t be all happy – one of my presents was an email from a supposed friend who had decided they no longer wanted to be my friend. I had reached out a couple days earlier because something seemed wrong and I was truly disappointed with the reaction I got. I was initially very hurt and angry, but I had a party coming up on Saturday that I was determined to enjoy. So I put myself in denial and didn’t reread it or do anything about it for a few days. The day of the party, I had popped online to ensure there were no cancellations for the party and there was an email from that supposed friend’s partner that implied that the situation was open for discussion. At the time, I wrote back saying I appreciated the understanding and words, but due to my birthday, I hadn’t processed the situation yet and would get respond further once I had. The party was fantastic. It was small as is my preference as an introvert. The people were fabulous and I truly felt loved and accepted. There was no tension, just open conversation and fun.

It’s easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. William Blake

Once the party was done, I had to process what my supposed friend had written and I did write back the partner after I had some time to deal and say I was open to discussing what had happened. It’s interesting the emotions I went through - initially hurt and angry, to denial, to really very hurt, to acceptance, and then to angry. At this moment, I hover between all the emotions. I wasn’t sure if I was going to talk about this via this forum, but since this is my journal and it is a place for me to document my life and feelings, I needed to write something down. I won’t go into the details, even though this person said I can do with the information as I wish. I just feel… like there were ample opportunities for this person to share their thoughts/concerns with me in a more open, constructive, and caring manner and I truly feel that being a friend means you accept the other person for who they are as they do you and if you are having difficulties or concerns, then you talk about it and you give chances for change or understanding to happen. But that is my belief system and it’s not everyone’s. It saddens me that I am losing who I thought was a good friend and that due to their action, I feel like I don’t know who to trust now. I hate that it has made me pull back from some friends and not feel like I can share myself wholly. I hate that it makes me doubt myself and that it feels like this information comes from a place of spite, rather than friendship. I have a lot of questions and I know I will never know the whole story. However, my denial phase really helped me focus on the positive aspects on my life and my friends. And afterwards, I connected with several of my friends and heard a lot of positive things back. There was no catering, no hesitating to tell me what’s what. But it all came from a place of love, openness, and acceptance and for that, I am ever grateful to and for my friends.

There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy.

To everyone, I wish you a life full of acceptance, love, and openness. To all my friends, thank you for being you and cheers to a future full of promise and opportunity and a new year full of more fun, good times, cuddle piles, intimate conversations, opportunities to live, love and experience, new learning, good health, adventure, and great friends – new and old. Love you.

I’ve been good-ish all year.

I just want to take a few moments in the middle of this busy season to tell my friends how much I appreciate them and adore them. I especially want to thank those who stepped up in my mini-crisis and supported me while reminding me how loved I am. I am truly grateful for my friends and you will never truly know how much I have and continue to appreciate you. So hugs and all the warmest wishes for a fantastic holiday season (regardless of what you do or do not celebrate) and a wonderful new year full of opportunities.

When you start the journey of revenge, dig two graves.

A few weeks ago, I read this in Lover Reborn by JR Ward. Have you ever read a passage and it made you stop and just think? This was one of those lines. Then a week after that, I was watching Supernatural and this line was used. Not only is this a good quote, but it is a good thought-provoker. It made me stop and think. I love the Black Dagger Brotherhood series and goodness, after so many books, I am totally invested in these characters. This book is all about Tohrment and my heart just bled for the pain and suffering he was going through from losing the love of his life. How do you go on? How do you stop punishing yourself for living? How do you accept the slowly blurring memories, deal with the shared possessions, and move on with your life? Poor Tohr. We have watched him slowly waste away as his sole motivation for living was revenge. And we watched those around him be affected by his depression. It’s a good reminder of how much of an effect our thoughts and beliefs can have on others as well as ourselves.

I followed this book with a non-fiction book I had put on hold a looong time ago called Quiet: The power of Introverts in a world that can’t stop talking by Susan Cain. A wonderful book that is thought-provoking, makes me nod my head, smile, and feel like someone gets me. I have never been in doubt that I am an introvert. On the Myers-Brigg tests, that is one of my very solid scores. Being in groups exhausts me. I can spend hours alone in my head and not see anything wrong with this. People who have known me for a long time or meet me when I am in a small group of friends are always surprised that I am not only an introvert, but shy. Goodness, people often seem to want to argue with my shyness. I generally reply that I got an A in drama for a reason. This book explains it all. It combs through all the research and explains the differences between extroverts and introverts while showing the power of both. There are real world examples of people who are successful and introverted. It has tips and acceptance and explanations. I highly recommend it to everyone. I marked so many pages (well – obviously not actually marked – it IS a library book, but put a piece of paper in so I could go back and read again).

A mind forever / Voyaging through strange seas of Thought alone. – William Wordsworth describing Newton

It explains why open concept offices and group think are not the best, must have business principles. It shows that not allowing people space to think, to be on their own, can actually stifle creativity, problem-solving, and productivity. And so many kids are now being put into classrooms where this is the main concept. I feel so bad for the poor young introverts, struggling to deal with all the stimuli. It also demonstrates why brainstorming is not getting all of the ideas – and boy do I feel this one. When we do this at work, I often am quiet, thinking, deciding what I actually think/feel. Often the talk is winding down or is already being wrapped up when I finally am ready to speak. Thankfully, my manager gets this. She has no problems if I come back after a session and say “this is what I think” or “I am having some difficulties with what was decided.”

It’s also why exhortations to imagine the audience in the nude don’t help nervous speakers; naked lions are just as dangerous as elegantly dressed ones. – Susan Cain

I appreciated the section that explained how some people can be so forth-coming on the internet, but in person, they shut down. It’s not necessarily the freedom of being whoever on the internet that makes it easier, but the fact that you can then control your environment. You can be in a safe locale, where the stimuli are muted, there are no interruptions, and your focus is solely on what you are doing on the internet.

A man has as many social selves as there are distinct groups of person about whose opinion he cares. He generally shows a different side of himself to each of these different groups. – William James

So back to my shyness – Chapter 9 is: When should you act more extroverted than you really are? A fascinating section explaining what psychologists had thought previously from situationism to fixed personality traits to free trait adoption. As well, should we attempt to manipulate our behavior? Should we be true to ourselves? Can and should an introvert pretend to be an extrovert? Talk about morally ambiguous and exhausting. I loved the tips, like when networking, instead of getting a handful of business cards, have one genuine conversation and follow up with that person the next day. Make that one contact and give yourself permission to go home early.

Intense curiosity or focused interest seems odd to their peers. – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

The book even explains how the body works different; what physiological differences there are between extroverts and introverts. It is interesting to understand the different activation that occurs in the amygdala. How studies using the fMRI show more activity in certain regions of introverts than extroverts and vice versa. How being who you aren’t can lead to burn out and illness. How carving out “restorative niches” can be a life savior. That suppressing negative emotions for the good of the group tends to leak these emotions later in unexpected ways, including exhaustion, loss of authenticity, and affected physical health.

You once said that you would like to sit beside me while I write. Listen, in that case I could not write at all. For writing means revealing oneself to excess; that utmost of self-revelation and surrender, in which a human being, when involved with others, would feel he was losing himself, and from which, therefore, he will always shrink as long as he is in his right mind…. That is why one can never be alone enough when one writes, why there can never be enough silence around one when one writes, when even night is not night enough. – Kafka

And there is a section for how extroverts and introverts can communicate successfully. It is very true that opposites attract, but the very things that attract can also be the things that are the most annoying. So how do you deal with this? By turning on your empathy and understanding that the other person is not putting you in a life-threatening situation by the way they speak. That often, people are reaching out asking for you to respect them; pay attention to them; love them.

Our culture made a virtue of living only as extroverts. We discouraged the inner journey, the quest for a center. So we lost our center and have to find it again. – Anaïs Nin.