2014: Memory Lane

Following my tradition, it is that time of year to review the last year and ponder all that has occurred – the highs, the lows, and all the rest.

Let’s start with the fact that 2014 was a tough year. There were a lot of lows, struggles, and deaths. On the literal front, two co-workers passed away and a friend’s son passed away. I was not close with any of the people who died, but I was close with people who were close to them. A few relationships around us were consciously uncoupled (that’s my wording – not theirs – I just like the phase – thanks Gwyneth.) So many relationships with those around me have changed – which sometimes is a little death in its self. I was reading an article that said that it is okay to miss the way it was, it’s just important not to dwell on it. So much easier to say than live.

We all experience broken trust in life, but it’s up to us to not let those experiences damage our ability to create intimacy in relationships. Turning our hearts off will turn our goal in to survival instead of connections.

It has continued to be a year of figuring out me. I don’t think this project is going to be done soon and I am okay with that. Each experience is teaching me a little more about myself – even if only to show me what I don’t like. Trust is still a big factor, though I have been a little freer than in the previous year. I am sad that there are still people that I have walls up around due to their associations. People who I don’t know that I will ever fully trust again. I miss this loss of connection, but perhaps we are just travelling different paths right now and will meet up again. There are people who I have started trusting again despite their associations. Maybe it is just the way they accept that we all have flaws, but that doesn’t change their love for a person.

It has also been a year of really connecting with some of my friends. Their support has really helped me in some of the low times. It’s amazing how sometimes a connection you make with someone is just so real and deep that distance and time are meaningless. I used to think this was true of so many friendships – but no, there are a few friends who are truly my best friends, who support me and accept my support, who despite not talking with for weeks, sometimes months, when we do talk, we just pick right back up like we have never been apart, who I truly love with all that I am. These are the friends who have your back, who from a text or email know when you are sad and then say something to make you laugh and feel their love, who drop everything to save you when your plans go awry and you need them. I have some truly amazing friends and I hope they know how much I appreciate them every day.

You know how to tell when someone is miserable with their own life? When they look for ways to destroy someone else’s.

The universe has putting many odd phrases in my face this year. Between that and dreams, I know I am working through several things. The pain of 2012 is definitely lower. I don’t know that the memory of the pain will ever go away –betrayal is like that; however, I don’t feel like it tempers my every move and thought. I probably didn’t learn the lesson that person wanted to teach me, but it confirmed several things I ‘knew.’ I need to trust my intuition more. When it says not to take a certain path, then I need to stop myself from just mindlessly following. Just because other people are doing something or are being friends with someone, it doesn’t mean I have to. Even though being the sheep is easy, sometimes it is not what is good for me. That is not going to stop me from trying something different – but it will stop me from doing something a second time if I learned the first time that this is not something I am interested in or that I have the energy for.

Energy has been a big consideration for me this year. I am not recharging as fast as I used to and I have been sharing it with friends to help them. I know that I am still not doing enough for myself. I get regular massages now and I do my yoga class. I have been doing some of my hobbies, but not a lot of them. I keep letting work and the house claim so much of my attention that I am forgetting to play. I try not to bring it up to D. D plays a lot and I try not to bring this up as a negative thing. I need more help though in playing, in relaxing, in recharging my battery. Unfortunately, we don’t charge the same way and to be honest, I am not sure what is recharging me lately.

My diet has been wonky. My activity level has been all over the place. My sleep schedule is lacking in some many ways. My sex life picked up, but certainly it is not where I need it to be. All of this is affecting my energy levels and my desire to maintain what I need.

I’m going to shove the sunshine so far up where the sun don’t shine that you will vomit nothing but warm summer days – Belkar, order of the stick

We finally paid off the renos from last year. It was a happy joyful week, with talk of grand plans for saving for the next renovation and a trip. Then the furnace died. Needless to say, there were no extra funds to cover this and so we are now working on paying off this new debt. The bonus is that we negotiated an excellent interest rate with the bank and I don’t feel like I am drowning in debt. Please universe – let us pay this off and save up funds before the next renovations. Just a little bit even – please.

I got an assignment at work this year and have gone through another process. I am just awaiting further news about whether this will become a permanent promotion or just temporary. Fingers crossed for permanent.

One thing I can say about this year is that it felt like it passed by so quickly. And yet there were moments of great clarity and/or great slowness. The CBT class had such an effect on my life that the weeks flew by, but I am still recovering from the messed up schedule. Four days of no heat has made me notice the heat or lack of heat in the house much more.

No, they all use the same lube on you.

Anyway, 2014 has been a spinning top of a year. It has been frustrating, rewarding, stressful, love-filled, and teaching. I am very happy it is over and my horoscope swears this year will be better.

To everyone, I wish a life full of acceptance and love. To all my friends, I am grateful for your friendship so much and I wish you a future full of promise and opportunity. Here’s to a new year full of fun, friends, laughs, cuddle pules, intimate connections, opportunities for what the heart desires, good health, adventure, and of course, love.

Eggnog... how us classy people get loaded...

Goodness there are days I really wish I drank...

I lost my vat of patience recently. Has anyone seen it? I’d really like it back. I don’t know if anyone has really noticed, but I have. Things that wouldn’t bother are *really* bothering me now. Like almost driving me to want Scorpio revenge. It’s not a pretty site in my head right now.

For example, a certain person in my life suddenly has stated that they are not giving presents this year. This is after sending me their Christmas list. This is after making a large purchase that while strategic, was not necessary. This after posting weekend post after weekend post, pictures of drunken debauchery and stories of movies they have seen in the theatre. Seriously?!? You can spend the money on alcohol and movies, but can’t take $10 and buy a present? Or I don’t know – take 5 minutes to research cheap and free presents on the internet? How about a coupon for a future present? Or a coupon for a visit? You have time to post videos and inspiration sayings on Facebook several times a day, but you can’t invest time into the friends and family who love you. And part of me is like just let it go; Christmas is about giving and loving. But the other part of me is swearing like a sailor and saying I’m tired of this shit; they are immediately removed from the gift list, there will never be another present sent, and screw it.

So the question is: why is this bothering me so much? I think part of it is that I have always used Christmas time as a time to show my appreciation for someone being in my life; being a friend, being supportive, sharing laughs, etc. So when I don’t even get a card or a nice email of wishes or a thank you, it really feels like that person is not showing any appreciation for what I have done all year and perhaps that person is not someone then that I need to make time or effort for. And that’s all good to say and understand, but my heart still hurts and I am still pissed every time I see a post for some new item purchased, some night spent drinking, and some movie ticket paid for.

I also keep misplacing my Christmas spirit. One minute I will be singing Christmas songs in my head and sharing good laughs; the next moment I am feeling lonely and wishing the season was over and needing a holiday and wishing work was easier and suffering headaches and shoulder pain and alternating between wanting to stick my head into a cream pie in desperate hunger and thinking food is the grossest thing in the world. I have all my presents bought and wrapped. My house is decorated. I need to do more baking, but I had enough for presents and the work feast. I’m desperately reaching for my routines, but finding that more and more they aren’t working for me. I think my stress is hitting an all-time high again and I can’t find the energy today to do the cleaning I need to.



Okay – I kicked me arse, but I got my office area cleaner. I feel slightly better already. Amazing how much of an effect having a messy office has on me. I also cleaned my emails a bit. Always a nice feeling. I am so hoping that work slows down over the next two weeks so I can clean my work emails. Goodness – so many emails. Every time I clean them, I think I will be better and things get chaotic and it just doesn’t get better.

There are positive things in my life too. I am doing some good work at work. People loved my cards and treats. Actually, it has been quite blush inducing some of the kind words I have received from people about what I wrote in their cards. I truly believed what I wrote and I am glad that the sentiment meant a lot to them.

So I am going to focus on that and my cleaner office and go finish my laundry and perhaps even have supper. Or at least a snack. It was feast day and it was quite filling. Oy!