Who knew? When someone yells at you to get a grip, apparently ‘around their neck’ is now what they meant.

Teehee – loving my Aunty Acid daily calendar. Yes, after several years of Happy Bunny, I have found a new sarcasm loving calendar. She makes me laugh and titter, saying so many things I have thought and said. Teehee.

I have not been sleeping well lately again. I don’t know if it is all the thoughts running through my head, stress, or what. Thankfully, I had Friday and then today off, so it’s been a decent few days off. Unfortunately, I am exhausted and I think I hurt myself doing my Zumba on Saturday.

One thing I realized is that while I try to really focusing on being more positive in so many aspects of my life, I am still working on not being as negative while gaming. I’m getting better, but I need time to process and with gaming, you just don’t get that. In life, you can often take a few moments to step away (physically or mentally) and just wrap your head around things and find something less negative about it. I find those moments to be less in gaming – which seems weird and yet because of the nature of gaming, it’s quite intense and often it’s one thing after another after another. Now add in other details like we have been playing this game for the last almost 6 years. And I don’t mean d&d; I have been playing that for longer. But this chronicle and this character I have been playing for almost 6 years. I get quite invested in my characters anyway. I have a back story that I have maintained. I have a vision of what I want my future to be. This is what drives my character to do the sometimes crazy shit she does. Let’s be honest – anyone who plays d&d or similar games needs a reason to keep going when not only the going gets tough, but when there is no logical reason that you would continue. Now take into consideration that this character has been going for almost 6 years. This character has been involved in so much and gone through so much, including what has gone on in my real life.

Also add in that I play this game in theory to de-stress and be more than I am in real life. I mentioned last time that do I read the books I do because of my life or is my life like it is because of the books I read. Many of the series I am reading are grand chronicles spanning several books. Part of what keeps me reading them is they find the moments of happiness, positivity, and passion in amongst the trials and wars and terror that surrounds them. And I guess part of that is why I game. I also want those moments amongst all the fighting. Our current game master has wonderful story skills, but I guess to some extent, we haven’t had those moments in the game lately. It’s just been one fight after another; one step forward, two steps back; it’s been a struggle to keep moving ahead when we are not getting those moments to remind you why you keep doing what you do. I hope he realizes that the person he brought in last night does help. And not just in the fact that we lost one character and so need another one, but also in that it kind of brings the personal part of the story in. Part of the brain knows that we have back story and people we have left behind, including a stupid trial. We have the people in our team that we want to protect. But when it’s fight after tough fight after oh my goodness how will we survive fight in the most despair-inducing location, sometimes you need that extra kick to remind you why. And bringing in Bethany (our house manager), it gives that extra kick. For my character, yes, I am slightly in shock and awe, but it’s also that ‘oh yeah, there are people out there who know us for the good that we do, who believe in us, who trust us to do our best.’

Now I am not saying this is going to negate all my negativity. I did mention this is the most despair-inducing location. Even the ‘gloves, cloaks, masks’ location had several moments for my character to find positive moments. It is part of the atmosphere of the chronicle that this place is heavily tainted with evil and that is despair inducing. It’s also an almost six year campaign. People go through similar levels of battles within their own lives and it’s exhausting and mentally grueling and it tests the resolve of even the most faithful. Now imagine that your de-stressing activity also is a battle. Imagine that characters have died, other have betrayed, and so often you go into fights knowing you are the underdog and not knowing whether you can actually live through it, let alone win. When I get this feeling when I am reading my series, I stop and pick up something mindless, some contemporary romance that is silly and quick and formulaic. But if we stop this campaign, we won’t go back. If by some remote chance we do, it won’t be the same. It is funny – the Adam Lambert song I am listening to just felt apropos…

Just don't give up
I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in
I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around

Anyway, all that being said, I want to finish the chronicle. I want it to end like all of my books do… the heroes win in the end – good triumphs over evil. Yes, there are going to be consequences and deaths, but there are two original main characters in the chronicle and honest to goodness, these two need to survive to the end. Really, the characters we currently have in the team need to survive to the end. The two elves need to see their city restored. The pixie needs to take all she has learned and use it to find a place in the world that she belongs and is accepted. I want Nerv to go back and show her father that she is confident of her place on the side of good and that all he has done has not destroyed her. And I want my character to be able to shove it in evil’s face that she can have the happy ending it promised without joining or becoming evil.

And those are my thoughts about gaming. I wish they were the only thoughts going through my head. I am feeling very stressed again. I know part of that is that work is just crazy right now. So many people want so much to be done and there are only so many hours in a day and so many people to help. I am supposed to be testing a system that goes live in 4 weeks. I am supposed to be updating the website to a new look and style. I am responsible for responding to enquiries and doing research and providing feedback on hot topics and potential problems. I think most of us updating the website agree that January was a much better month to do this. And the testing – well, life has been against that as it go delayed, we started, many problems were found and it was stopped, and then by the time it started again, I was off. Will I have time for the rest of the week? I don’t know and I won’t until I get back to work.

And then I want to spend time and energy with friends. It’s not quite the time of year that I can just vamoose around on my own to visit people. I feel like my house is a mess and I really should be starting my spring cleaning. D has plans most weekends, which limits my activities. I am feeling the need to de-stress and relax and I am just not feeling like I am getting that. I feel like I spend so much time alone and yet, why do I not feel relaxed. Why am I also go, go, go and yet what am I doing? And I can’t say that I waste it in front of the TV. We were discussing after game yesterday about how there is all of this TV on our PVRs, but we don’t have time to watch it. We all would rather be doing things.

I want to know how P is doing with his family. I want to know how L’s back is doing and her delightful daughter is growing like a weed. I want to know how K’s medical problems are. I want to know how J’s house is coming along. I want to know how F is doing and whether he is ready to go back to work full-time. I want to know how my niece is doing. I want to see pics of K’s trip. I want to know how S is doing with her parents away. I want to help A find a center place. I usually have time at work to catch up with some people, but lately I just feel so overwhelmed. Which is probably part of why I struggling with my weight again and feeling more negative and less able to deal with negative situations. It’s also weird how the more overwhelmed I feel, the less I reach out. I just want to do something and forget about it all for a while. Perhaps I should get off of this then and go write some emails.