There were laughs and tears, happiness and fears

What an utterly emotional morning. The alarm went off this morning and as usual, the cat and I made our way into the bathroom to get ready. Due to the heat, she has been shedding like crazy and so when she started hacking, I averted my gaze to give her some privacy, except the next sound was not that final hair ball noise, but silence. And when I looked over, my cat was lying on the ground, not moving. As I moved towards her, calling her name, she kind of came to but was lethargic, breathing in a wheezy, panting, odd sound and then peed herself. My cat has shown her displeasure by leaving brown gifts in various places when we have been away for too long, but never has she peed outside of her litter box without being sick. So needless to say, I started freaking out inside. I rubbed her throat thinking maybe something got stuck and after a few more minutes, she rose and left the room. She was still panting, but the weird sound was gone and she was reactive. She went down the stairs as D and I debated what to do. About 10-15 minutes after the incident, she was fine. She was reacting normal, responsive, we gave her food and she ate. And then we took her first thing to the vet to find out what the heck.

After a round of testing or two, after many tears, the blood work came back saying she was pretty normal. Her blood sugars were high – but considering the stress and the fact that I wasn’t sure if she was going into shock or not and so gave her some corn syrup, that was not unexpected. A couple things were borderline low, but nothing to be worried about. The urinalysis showed high levels of glucose and bacteria. That is a bit of a worry. So more tests are being run and I am at home keeping an eye on her. Thankfully, my boss has been really understanding; we ran through some numbers and ideas on the phone. I did a couple of hours of work to make sure the project I am leading is continuing without me.

I am exhausted now though. I wasn’t awake more than 5 minutes when it happened and I have been running on stress all morning. I really want a nap, which my smart cat is doing at my feet. My horoscope said it was a day to just step back, so this is me stepping back for the moment. I have been putting in all these hours at work and this morning I was thinking how maybe I just haven’t been around enough and missed all the signs. It’s my fault my poor kitty is not well. With all the stress I have been under and her being so sensitive to my feelings, no wonder she was feeling ill. She’s showing me what I am doing to my own body. So I need to figure out how to bring less stress home and I need to be home more. Just one more week and my part of the project is done for a couple weeks. I really need that time off. And so does my kitty.

I am glad that she is probably okay and it was just a one off situation. Fingers crossed. But it just adds to my underlying worry. She’ll be 16 this year. She’s been diabetic for 6 years. She is losing weight, which is good. But I worry about at what expense. Is there something we are missing? Is there something I should be doing more of? She has been very clingy all day – really staying near me. It’s sweet and I do love her so much. Maybe she just needs some security herself and being by me provides that. I’m sure if it scared me, then it scared her just as much.

Anyway, I think it’s a good time to take an afternoon nap and then I can get back to work and chores. First things first – naps101.

Stress… It’s a killer.

There was a time when I had hope. When I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, when my brass ring was within reach, when there was a semblance of a chance at a life… I’m not sure where it all went. I struggle every day to make it through the day – keeping the smile on my face, encouraging my coworkers, being the flexible, reward based task master as we try to get through these ridiculous time lines.

Senior management talks about work-life balance and then turns around and asks if you can work more hours at night and on the weekends. It’s just for a short time. Soon we will be back to normal – do you honestly think we are buying this?

This year just keeps filling up with priority after priority and I can feel that my health, my life, my mental state is being affected. My sleep is so wonky – I often wake up at odd hours dreaming about work. And once the brain starts, I just can’t get it to stop. So I lie in bed trying to focus on my breathing, pretend my thoughts are clouds and they are just floating past – except it’s like there is a storm on the horizon as they race past me. I get vertigo just watching them.

On the positive side, my office has the best attitude. Even though we are stressed and frustrated, we still laugh and try to support each other. The other offices are miserable and they are determined to take everyone down with them. We respond to rewards – homemade banana bread, candy, bought lunches. We give each other kudos when due. We try to help each other. We sing and do dance parties. It is amazing sometimes what we do to keep ourselves going.

My boss has approved my holidays. Thank goodness. Just a couple more weeks to go and I am off for two glorious weeks. What are my plans? Same as they are this weekend:
1. Sleep
2. Sleep
3. Eat
4. Sleep
5. Work on the yard
6. Sleep
7. Do some shopping
8. Sleep
9. Hang with friends
10. Sleep some more
I need my friends so much, but I feel like I am just going to have verbal diarrhea if I see anyone. Poor K at work gets to listen to me the few times we see each other at work. And breaks – I am locking the door at lunch to get people out of the room so we get a break. Some people are working around this, but at least I’m getting out. So many days though my head just thinks “I want a hug.”

Unfortunately, the break I am taking is usually to walk somewhere to buy food. I am eating out every weekday. Not only is this expensive, but hello – calories!?! The bonus is I am trying some of the food trucks. The bad news I am never going to get healthier at this rate. I have these grandiose plans to exercise when I get home- it will release stress and get the good chemicals flowing. Except after working 10-12 hour days, I’m exhausted. The last two blocks home are so hard. It takes all my energy to lift my feet and honestly, sometimes, it is merely the motion of my arms swinging back and forth that keeps me shuffling. I end up bargaining with myself – just two more blocks and we will walk in the door, take off our shoes, our socks, our work clothes. Two more blocks and we will walk in the door, take off our shoes, our socks and we will sit down and do nothing. One and a half blocks and we will walk in the door, take off our shoes, our socks, and we will do something that does not require thinking. One more block – it’s so close and then we can take off our shoes, our socks, we can sit, we can relax, we can just sit and hear and think and do nothing. Just a few more houses…

I only took home a document to provide feedback on this weekend. Thank goodness. I put in about 12 hours of overtime this week – and Monday was a holiday! Oy!

I want this to get better. I want this to calm down a bit. I want senior management to back off. I want some push back about ridiculous timelines and speeches about work-life balance.

The recent quotes I found that made me smile:

I'm a little smart ass
Short and stout
Here is my finger
Here is my mouth
When I get all worked up
I will shout
Piss me off and
I'll cuss you out.

OR

Staying quiet doesn't mean I have nothing to say. It means I don't think you're ready to hear my thoughts.

I need things that make me smile.

Anyway – time to implement my weekend plans and sleep. Whoohoo!