Saturday, January 21, 2017

I wish I was kissing you instead of missing you. – The Darkest Torment Gena Showalter

So many moments I have wanted to write an entry and then the time flies by and it’s time to do something else.

Let me tell you what has been in my thoughts these few weeks of 2017.

Why has no one done anything about the new president of the states? Why am I so shocked and dismayed that no one has done anything? I should know to be disappointed; I guess I just thought someone in that country would do something, prove something, prevent the whole thing from going down.

I LOVE the memes of Obama and Biden and then the few with Michelle. I have come to appreciate the honesty and humor of Trevor Noah. I am very thankful I am not on Twitter because I can’t stand the fact that the states is being run by 140 characters or less.

At a stress workshop we took this week, the facilitator read us a poem about letting go. It is a lovely poem. That being said, by line two, I had decided this was all about a person on their death bed, because I honestly cannot imagine it is just that easy. I then shared why thought at the end with a comment of “… and then she died.” It got a lot of laughs and a few dirty looks. I ended up playing the class clown in the session – not sure how that happened, but I’m guessing it’s because while I was excited for the session earlier in the week, by that morning, I was not all that enthused anymore.

Another thing the facilitator talked about was the cycle of stress – there is a stressor, then a response, then we recover, and then a new stressor. She mentioned about stress creep – where it is insidious and you don’t notice it as much. Then she talked about our recovery period being like we are dipping into a well. Lots of people liked the image of a well. Not me. You guess it, my brain went dark – well collapse, they get poisoned, they get sludge in the bottom and slowly fill, but you never notice because the top looks the same. This is how I feel about my recovery well – I believe it looks like it quite full most of the time, but what people aren’t seeing is that the bottom of my recovery well is full of sludge which is not helping recover from stress. The things that used to fill my well (inner strength and beliefs – like the water table – and rain (external factors)) don’t work as well when the bottom is full of sludge. She talked about the scale which goes from green, to yellow, to orange, to red. Burnout happens in the red. I tried to ask what happens when your normal is in the yellow to orange range as well as how many symptoms can you check on the burnout table before you should worry, but she never really answered.

Am I heading toward burnout? I don’t know. What I do know is that I am mentally exhausted, I am tired, I am not recovering as fast as I used to, I am lonely, I am depressed, I am frustrated and less patient, and I am not handling things as good as I want to. I feel a bit lost and uncertain of what I want to do in my life and at work. I feel incompetent and yet, no one else seems to think I am. My boss had glowing praise for my skills. Am I the only one who sees how far behind I am falling?

So what am I going to do about it? I honestly don’t know. I have decided that I need to stop putting things aside. I want to do some colouring and I bought some coloring books, but then I was like I can’t colour in the books – they are so pretty. Where the heck did that thought sudden come from? I still can’t find my crayons and old colouring books. I haven’t knitted in months though the yarn taunts me. I am behind over a year in my three magazines and almost two years in a fourth. I should exercise but I am so tired and sore that it pains me to think about it.

I did get a new phone and gave myself a new ipad. These have turned into wonderful time wasters. I bought myself a new fitbit because my last one died. This one buzzes when you have not moved at least 250 steps in an hour. Guess who has it buzz several times a day and ignores it? In fact, according to the new fitbit, my goal for steps should be 6500. Wow – I remember when it was 10K.

It’s funny – I was had so many things I wanted to talk to a friend of mine about on Wednesday, but then when we got together, I didn’t feel the need to talk about it anymore. We were having fun and I didn’t want to ruin it or I didn’t think any of it was important. Except that it is important and the next morning when I got not enough sleep, my head was in a dark place and I probably should have talked about it. But I feel like I say the same things over and over now. The biggest question I really have is why am I self-sabotaging? Why can’t I do the things that would make me happier, that would calm me, that would make me healthier? I am seriously so sore and tense and I need to do some yoga, I need to move, I need to relax. I am so exhausted and I know doing a few things would take me out of the exhaustion – would remove some sludge and fill my well. I don’t want my new normal to be high stress. I don’t want it to be exhaustion. I don’t want it to be not being happy. So how do I kick my own arse? How do I take that first step… and keep going? I’m good at taking the first step and then I falter so quickly.

Yeah – that’s where I am at right now. And since I am exhausted and my fitbit is going to buzz soon again, I am going to make dinner and settle down for a night of a couple movies. If I’m not completely lazy, perhaps I’ll read some magazines and do some colouring.

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