And if I asked you to name all the things you loved, how long would it take for you to name yourself?
So *the* highlight of the year was the girl’s retreat weekend – where I would be partaking in a ladies only, photography retreat in small town British Columbia. I was attending with my friends L and S. This has been a source of excitement and stress for me – I am a planner (I know – you are all shocked!) so attending an event run by an artistic sort is enough to drive me around the bend. I want details – what, where, etc. and I want them sooner than later. Although I try to be all cool and calm, inside, I am a bundle of nerves who just wants some details – anything – everything – give me the deets! Add in boudoir photos, a brain/body that is constantly fighting, a continuing stressful job, a home life that is not enough, and crippling low self-esteem and it was a recipe for disaster. But I paid for this out of my savings and gosh darn I was going to go. It didn’t matter that my knee has been in pain for a year. It doesn’t matter than I dislocated my baby toe the weekend before. It didn’t matter that I had to beg and plead and essentially threaten to get the days off. Add in new appliances/bed, a shed replacement that turned into a garage makeover before we could even get back to the shed, and depression – oh the depression. I DIDN’T CARE – I WAS ATTENDING!
And I did. And for the most part, it was fun. Was it relaxing? Not really. Did I meet or get to know better fabulous women? Yes. There were 3 main people running the show and 5 attendees. All great women who I would love to spend more time with. Did I learn to love myself more? Nope. I was disappointed with that - I really wanted the opportunity to learn to accept myself more and see that side of me that is beautiful and I just didn't really get there.
We ended up getting in later than we figured as we took the scenic route and stopped to check out a waterfall – pretty! Then there was conflicting info on the photo times – I ended up getting my pics done the first day. I honestly don’t think the pictures are going to be great… which I know isn’t true because the photographer is fabulous. That being said, I feel like I didn’t have many different expressions. I feel like my wardrobe was not the most flattering. Some of what I wanted to use wasn’t. I personally think it would have been nice to spend a bit more time in advance talking about what we wanted and were expecting.
The second day we helped the others play dress up before L and I went white water rafting. The morning was fun. Putting on a wet suit (the biggest size they had and for someone much taller than myself) and used shoes over a sore toe, not so good. Being the largest person there was not conducive to the esteem. Then the trail down is really a washed out section that is quite steep. Let’s review – I don’t like boats, I don’t like water over my head, I don’t like walking down unsafe trails, my poor toe was being shoved into a shoe that was not mine, my life jacket was tightened so I couldn’t see past it – like sitting down, I couldn’t see my toes. But I was determined not to chicken out and actually experience something outside my comfort zone. I can’t tell you much about the first half – it was a lot of trying to stay in the boat, paddle in time with the others, and not drown. The second half was much better and quite enjoyable. The group we were with were very determined to have fun, so you can’t help feeding off some of that. We stopped at the grocery store on the way back because I was craving orange juice and yogurt and L wanted a couple things.
Day three was out in nature. Now – I would have liked to know more about this in advance. Again – a not exactly safe trail getting out to cliffs along a river. My toe made it to the top of the first section and I didn’t move from there. I ended up taking off my shoes and socks which helped the toe, but let’s just say – not really my scene. Put me in the dark moodiness of a forest – I’m there. On a cliff, climbing rocks, on a log by a river – it’s just not really me. It seemed everyone else was good there as they climbed like mountain goats. And they all seemed really comfortable with their bodies. I have a feeling there are few pictures of me and how many can you not see the furrow between my brows from the pain. There was a few times when I really wanted to go home or at least take a walk, except there was really nowhere to go. It was funny - at one point S said that she understood if physical pain was holding me back from doing something, but if it was emotional, then she was there to help me through it. Which is all good if I was alone with her and L, but not in a group of people I don’t know. Then again, I would have to be able to express what is going on in my head.
And the final day was home time. L and I were going to stop by the lake we hadn’t gotten to check out, except there was an accident and it took us 2 hours to go 55 kilometers. Needless to say, we did not stop by the lake and we got home quite late.
So the question is would I do it again? Maybe. Not at that location – been there, done that. And I need more info beforehand. Supposedly there was a facebook page except I’m not on facebook. Did I go outside of my comfort zones? Yes. I like to think I even managed to do it without being too bitchy. I feel bad for L for having to support me a couple times when I was trying hard not to have a panic attack and I am really appreciative that she was there.
I’m tired though. I have been putting in crazy hours at work and I am feeling like it is really not worth it. To be fair, this last week has been very trying with acting as manager, facilitating training with a new co-lead, and travelling. I put in an extra 16.5 hours this week in overtime. And that doesn’t include the 7.5 hours I did last weekend or the hours before that. I wrote my manager on Friday with the updates and also said I was taking this weekend off. I wasn’t taking home work or doing any of my training. I needed a break. I feel like I keep giving more and more to work, but I have so little left for outside of work and add in a D who doesn’t do an equal share of work around the house and my ‘well’ is dry. One of my colleagues is leaving and we are getting two others. Another of my colleagues is going for holidays for 3.5 weeks. Part of me is looking forward to having both of those colleagues not around for a while. I get we are all stressed out and on the verge of burn out, but shee-eeet, can we not be so negative or useless? And don’t tell me we need to work smarter not harder when you can’t get your head out of your own arse to see the detrimental effect you bring to the team, when you bring the same attitude to everything even when it is not based in reality. Stop blaming everyone else and see what you can do to help change things. And if you don’t feel like you can change things – then why are you here?
I feel like I am so behind in so many things. I feel like I can’t keep up with what is going on in my life, let along with work. I feel like the boss wants me to take on more and more, but also wants me to give up the few things I enjoy. I was screened out of two job offers – even though I obviously have the experience and skills, I just can’t prove it in writing or interviews. I feel like I give so much at home, I have little energy left at home. I feel like there is something missing at home. There is so much to do and so little time, energy to do it. My neighbor, who is in his seventies, has more energy than I do. I feel like there is no end in sight for this stress and I’m tired of being sore, exhausted, and emotional. And the few weird things I do enjoy, people make fun of me for – I like fresh sheet day – there is something about getting into fresh sheets before you go to bed that is so rewarding for me. I like cleaning my kitchen – again, it just relaxes me to have my kitchen cleaned.
I am torn at work about moving up and making more money versus the stress level. Do I want more stress? My current job is not getting less stressful, but becoming management doesn’t mean less stress, that’s for sure. I need to take some time and figure things out, but honestly I have no energy for that. And I look around the house and all I see are the things that need to be done. By the time, we get the things we want to do down, we will have redone the entire house. Was that my goal? Goodness no. And when can we do this? And how do we afford it? I want to do another away holiday – but that requires time and money. And it sucks right now with some of my mentors at work retiring – which – great for them, congrats and all that – but I have few people who can offer references. I have few people I look up to that can help me.
Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts. For having a weekend off I still feel like I didn’t get enough done. One more day – and D should be home. We really should be working on the garage, but I bet the excuse of a sore back means nothing will get done. If so, then I really need to get a couple more things on my own to do list done. Sighhhh.
And I did. And for the most part, it was fun. Was it relaxing? Not really. Did I meet or get to know better fabulous women? Yes. There were 3 main people running the show and 5 attendees. All great women who I would love to spend more time with. Did I learn to love myself more? Nope. I was disappointed with that - I really wanted the opportunity to learn to accept myself more and see that side of me that is beautiful and I just didn't really get there.
We ended up getting in later than we figured as we took the scenic route and stopped to check out a waterfall – pretty! Then there was conflicting info on the photo times – I ended up getting my pics done the first day. I honestly don’t think the pictures are going to be great… which I know isn’t true because the photographer is fabulous. That being said, I feel like I didn’t have many different expressions. I feel like my wardrobe was not the most flattering. Some of what I wanted to use wasn’t. I personally think it would have been nice to spend a bit more time in advance talking about what we wanted and were expecting.
The second day we helped the others play dress up before L and I went white water rafting. The morning was fun. Putting on a wet suit (the biggest size they had and for someone much taller than myself) and used shoes over a sore toe, not so good. Being the largest person there was not conducive to the esteem. Then the trail down is really a washed out section that is quite steep. Let’s review – I don’t like boats, I don’t like water over my head, I don’t like walking down unsafe trails, my poor toe was being shoved into a shoe that was not mine, my life jacket was tightened so I couldn’t see past it – like sitting down, I couldn’t see my toes. But I was determined not to chicken out and actually experience something outside my comfort zone. I can’t tell you much about the first half – it was a lot of trying to stay in the boat, paddle in time with the others, and not drown. The second half was much better and quite enjoyable. The group we were with were very determined to have fun, so you can’t help feeding off some of that. We stopped at the grocery store on the way back because I was craving orange juice and yogurt and L wanted a couple things.
Day three was out in nature. Now – I would have liked to know more about this in advance. Again – a not exactly safe trail getting out to cliffs along a river. My toe made it to the top of the first section and I didn’t move from there. I ended up taking off my shoes and socks which helped the toe, but let’s just say – not really my scene. Put me in the dark moodiness of a forest – I’m there. On a cliff, climbing rocks, on a log by a river – it’s just not really me. It seemed everyone else was good there as they climbed like mountain goats. And they all seemed really comfortable with their bodies. I have a feeling there are few pictures of me and how many can you not see the furrow between my brows from the pain. There was a few times when I really wanted to go home or at least take a walk, except there was really nowhere to go. It was funny - at one point S said that she understood if physical pain was holding me back from doing something, but if it was emotional, then she was there to help me through it. Which is all good if I was alone with her and L, but not in a group of people I don’t know. Then again, I would have to be able to express what is going on in my head.
And the final day was home time. L and I were going to stop by the lake we hadn’t gotten to check out, except there was an accident and it took us 2 hours to go 55 kilometers. Needless to say, we did not stop by the lake and we got home quite late.
So the question is would I do it again? Maybe. Not at that location – been there, done that. And I need more info beforehand. Supposedly there was a facebook page except I’m not on facebook. Did I go outside of my comfort zones? Yes. I like to think I even managed to do it without being too bitchy. I feel bad for L for having to support me a couple times when I was trying hard not to have a panic attack and I am really appreciative that she was there.
I’m tired though. I have been putting in crazy hours at work and I am feeling like it is really not worth it. To be fair, this last week has been very trying with acting as manager, facilitating training with a new co-lead, and travelling. I put in an extra 16.5 hours this week in overtime. And that doesn’t include the 7.5 hours I did last weekend or the hours before that. I wrote my manager on Friday with the updates and also said I was taking this weekend off. I wasn’t taking home work or doing any of my training. I needed a break. I feel like I keep giving more and more to work, but I have so little left for outside of work and add in a D who doesn’t do an equal share of work around the house and my ‘well’ is dry. One of my colleagues is leaving and we are getting two others. Another of my colleagues is going for holidays for 3.5 weeks. Part of me is looking forward to having both of those colleagues not around for a while. I get we are all stressed out and on the verge of burn out, but shee-eeet, can we not be so negative or useless? And don’t tell me we need to work smarter not harder when you can’t get your head out of your own arse to see the detrimental effect you bring to the team, when you bring the same attitude to everything even when it is not based in reality. Stop blaming everyone else and see what you can do to help change things. And if you don’t feel like you can change things – then why are you here?
I feel like I am so behind in so many things. I feel like I can’t keep up with what is going on in my life, let along with work. I feel like the boss wants me to take on more and more, but also wants me to give up the few things I enjoy. I was screened out of two job offers – even though I obviously have the experience and skills, I just can’t prove it in writing or interviews. I feel like I give so much at home, I have little energy left at home. I feel like there is something missing at home. There is so much to do and so little time, energy to do it. My neighbor, who is in his seventies, has more energy than I do. I feel like there is no end in sight for this stress and I’m tired of being sore, exhausted, and emotional. And the few weird things I do enjoy, people make fun of me for – I like fresh sheet day – there is something about getting into fresh sheets before you go to bed that is so rewarding for me. I like cleaning my kitchen – again, it just relaxes me to have my kitchen cleaned.
I am torn at work about moving up and making more money versus the stress level. Do I want more stress? My current job is not getting less stressful, but becoming management doesn’t mean less stress, that’s for sure. I need to take some time and figure things out, but honestly I have no energy for that. And I look around the house and all I see are the things that need to be done. By the time, we get the things we want to do down, we will have redone the entire house. Was that my goal? Goodness no. And when can we do this? And how do we afford it? I want to do another away holiday – but that requires time and money. And it sucks right now with some of my mentors at work retiring – which – great for them, congrats and all that – but I have few people who can offer references. I have few people I look up to that can help me.
Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts. For having a weekend off I still feel like I didn’t get enough done. One more day – and D should be home. We really should be working on the garage, but I bet the excuse of a sore back means nothing will get done. If so, then I really need to get a couple more things on my own to do list done. Sighhhh.
Labels: life, quote of the day, vacation
posted by Taryn at 11:50 pm
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