When things get me down, I go to my happy place… the fridge.

There are so many things flowing in my head that I am not sure where to start.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy class – I learned a lot of things while I was in the class. They may not have been the things they were teaching, but I learned something.
1. I learned that I have not been making losing weight a priority in my life.
2. I learned that when stressed, exercise is the first thing I ignore.
3. I learned that people who get massively upset because they gave into a craving once annoys me.
4. I learned that my routine really is important. Minor changes are okay, but messing the whole thing up stressed me out.
5. I learned that there is something in me that wants to eat and eat and eat. I am pretty sure it has something to do with not dealing with some things that are bothering me, but I am going to have some caramels and move on.
6. I learned that I am not very good at group therapy. I take too long to open up and I really just want to learn something and not discuss my feelings with people I don’t know.
7. I learned that when you tell me to do a thought log, I rebelliously will just stop thinking and only do.
So while the class was not the best for me, I did succeed in my goal which was to learn something.

Work – thank goodness I am on holidays now. Being the only person in your unit in this office while everyone is working out of another office is hard. I have good inter-relations with each person, but put everyone together and I tend to shut down. On the plus side, I had a really good talk with my manager about our team meetings and how I have been shutting down in them due to how certain people don’t stop talking and don’t respect someone else talking and when they all talk softly because they are in the same room. This last meeting was much more respectful. I got to share a bit more and I only checked out for about 10 minutes in a two hour meeting.

Halloween – it saddens me to say that due to lack of interest/effort on D’s part, we are currently not having a party. I wanted to. Our co-hosts pulled out. People I like are going to be away. I want to get excited about Halloween, but for some reason this year – I am all about Christmas already. And I am excited about Christmas. Wtf? Christmas is not my favorite holidays. What has happened to me?!?!

Money – how does one stop freaking out about money? Why can’t I accept a healthy amount of debt? Why do interest fees make me scream inside? I feel so broke right now. And yet, I am still going out and shopping. I do not need to use all the coupons I get. I do not need to buy Christmas ornaments and presents right now. My nieces and nephew do not need any more gifts. For goodness sake, I already have birthday presents for both of my nieces. There is a sick, sick woman in here.

Friends – I miss my friends. I envy my friends. I am lonely and yet I still love being alone. I hung out with L last week and had a great time. Honestly, she is such a great friend. She is my longest active friend. We could never stop being friends now – we know way too much about each other. Teehee. I don’t know if she really knows how special she is. She is strong, smart, a wonderful mother, and a fabulous friend. I have to make plans to get together with J and with N and M. When you look at my friends, we are such an odd group. And yet, these are people I know who would be there for me and I hope they know I am here for them. And I miss S – though she just sent me an email. I do wish she lived closer. Heck, I wish they all lived a bit closer. Especially as fall continues – the days get darker earlier and my desire to drive decreases. It’s not that I don’t want to get out; it just means I can only stay out for such a short while. And all my friends live quite far away. And the few who live closer just seem to be having such fun that I hate to bother them. Sighhhh.

Holidays – another staycation. Another need to sleep and relax conflicting with a need to be active, do shopping, visit new places, get together with friends. The bonus is that everything that needs to be done outside has been done. There are tons to do inside, but the outside is complete. Though I think we need to clean off some of the book shelves in the garage. I think a friend wants one or two. So many things to do inside and again – like the thoughts in my head, I am not sure where to start. I am starting to do to dos in each room so when I have some spare moments I can just go into a room and do something. So sad. I do have some projects for Christmas that I want to do. I should work on those. Maybe now that I am not spending 8 hours a day on the computer for work, I can spend some time working on my home computer. I actually went for a week and a half without going on the home computer and the only that made me – had to pay some bills. It’s sad. I think part of it is seeing how plugged in friends are and that just makes me ill. I don’t want to be plugged in socially. I want to be social. Aunty Acid has a quote –

Logging onto Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you’re not hungry.

How true is this? I am just sick of watching people ignore the person in front of them to spend more time on the phone. I get checking it for the occasional check in for kids, etc. But is it really so important that you get that text about kittens when we are having dinner? Do you really need to reply to that text when we are talking? It makes me feel older than I am because no one else seems to see how disrespectful this is.

Anyway, it is getting late and my thoughts are getting mellower and whiny. I should get ready for bed soon. So much to do tomorrow. Or not. I’m on holidays so I can do whatever whenever. Teehee.