Seeing the beauty through the pain

Gosh – so much has happened since my last entry.

I got the assignment in the different department. And my manager got me a year assignment, so I have a whole year away from the other department, my other unit. A year to convince the new department that I rock and they should keep me. A year to get some boundaries and priorities back in place. I found out the week after I wrote the entry and I had six weeks to get things in order.

Normally, this would be enough time, but not only did I have to keep doing the same amount of work I was doing, I also had to prepare for two different training sessions that I had to facilitate before I left AND go through over 10 years of paperwork and emails. The first two weeks I was doing this on the down low. I asked for the couple of weeks so I could prepare myself as well as two of the staff were on holidays and I didn’t want to ruin their holidays or ruin the two weeks I was working with someone who is a little more drama driven.

So they found out at the start of April and life did not get easier. It was just a hard month. I was doing 1-2 hours of overtime every day (for free) trying to get through paperwork and emails. I was trying to organize my assignment. I was trying to get people to learn what I knew. Oh, and I had to travel to spend three days of my last week with my team in person – so travelling.

I did the best I could – the training went well. I got through my paperwork, but the emails did not get finished. Oy. And my manager failed me in supporting me in that – in reality, another manager failed me. But he was someone who I finally was seeing for who he was since January. So that’s a whole different story.

Needless to say, I was very happy to try this opportunity. I knew the stress would be less and different because I went from being the expert to feeling like I knew nothing. What I didn’t think about was the fact I would be completely changing gears – I describe it as going just over the speed limit highway driving to entering a school zone. I’ve been there six weeks now and this last Friday was the first Friday where I didn’t have anything to do. The people I had to deal with for the tasks I was working on where gone on Fridays so I couldn’t get feedback and since I’m new, I only a few tasks, so I spent a lot of time reading different documents about my new department and trying to enjoy the different pace. I know it’s going to get busy again – so I need to enjoy the slower moments. It’s tough. Anyone who has been on a highway and then dropped to 50 to go through that small town knows the feeling I’m talking about.

So yeah, six weeks in a new job. After several massage sessions where my shoulders would not release, this last session, they were good. Which is fabulous because some other news I got was that my massage therapist was moving. Across the country. Sighhhh. So I have one more session with her and then I need to find someone new again. I really liked her. She did try to help and gave me suggestions for things to try.

Now I am on holidays. Two weeks off. I am so happy. I need a break – not from the new job, just from work in general. I want to get some stuff done around the house and I want to get some sleep and just enjoy life for a few days with no deadlines. One thing I am not good at – doing nothing. I know, you are all shocked, aren’t you? Teehee.

It’s funny – I usually don’t feel lonely when I am home alone. I often feel the loneliest when I’m in a crowd. But lately, I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like I’ve been going so much lately, that when I don’t have to do anything, I sort of feel awkward. Like tonight, D’s away. I hung out with some friends in the afternoon. When I got home, I did some tidying of the front garden and then tidied a bit in the office, but I’m at a loss of what I want to do. These are the days when I wish S lived closer. I just want someone to come hang out. To sit and chat with or do something small – like a walk or a game. My Happy Bunny calendar says – Just not into it I guess. That’s exactly what I feel. I don’t want to watch tv (plus I have nothing exciting taped). I watched a bunch of shows on Netflix yesterday. I caught up on the Internet on Thursday night. I should make dinner, but I’m not super hungry.

I’m just feeling lonely I guess. It’s not like there’s nothing to do. Trust me, there’s always something to do around a house. I don’t want to clean. I don’t want to tidy. But on the other hand, I want to have something to do that is productive – I want to do a reno where you have an outcome – something concrete to see or touch or something. I want to talk to someone and just have a good conversation. I feel like I haven’t sat down and had a deep conversation with someone in a long while. I didn’t want to talk about how stressed I was with the last job. I don’t want to temper my words by avoiding a topic.

The girls’ retreat is happening this year again – I’m not going because of many reasons, but I really just want some good conversation. I think that is what I am really missing and lonely for. You can only talk so deep at work and especially in the new layout (with lower cubicle walls, you hear a lot). D and I talk, but not really deep conversations anymore and I rarely get to see friends. When I do, we spend time catching up because it’s been so long, so you don’t get those ‘stuck in the car for hours’ conversations or ‘chatting after a good meal’ conversations that involve getting beyond the latest news. I want to talk about relationships, feelings, dreams, desires, worries. I miss being passionate in a conversation, being connected, learning someone new about someone.
That is probably a product of being so busy for so long and now having time – time to think, time to breathe, time to do stuff. I’m so used to being busy and shallow, that now that I’m not as busy, I want to get deep. I have the emotional and mental energy to get involved with life again.

I said last time I could feel change in the air and there’s been change. My previous manager got a job in a different unit, so she’s leaving the unit. There are a ton of changes coming in the old unit. I don’t know what it will even look like next year. So I hope things continue to move along and I don’t have to go back to the same environment. I need more. I want more. I deserve more.

Anyway, that’s my news. I’m going to see if I can find something to cook for dinner. Hugs everyone!