Ms. Brightside

So events have happened that I won’t describe, but I can say they really hurt me. It appears that like what happened with my Christmas presents, though I know I speak, I don’t think people listen to me. How often do you have to say that something makes you uncomfortable? I had a dream (similar to the event) in which I ended up pissed off cause of what happened. Now, normally, I can guarantee that when I dream something, it never happens. That has been the story of my life thus far. Therefore, to find out that my dream did come true mostly was truly upsetting. As well, knowing that I had discussed my dream with one of the people involved and thus they knew my feelings about it, then they go ahead and do it - I just don’t know.

The scary thing is that I am calm about it. Though I know I am upset and disappointed, I feel calmness around me. Now, I am a Scorpio. I have never denied it and I embrace it, flaws and all. For me to be calm right now, I cannot imagine that this is a good thing. Sure, maybe I am being mature and adult about this. Yeah, okay. NOT! I just wonder when I am going to blow up. Cause I know it is coming, I just don’t know when or over what. Am I calm or numb from shock? And where do I move from here?

Oooh, laundry’s done, gotta change loads – only 4 to do today after the 3 yesterday. Heh heh. Oh, and 2 loads of dry cleaning to do as well. One is done, one more when the rest of the laundry is done now.

Interesting tidbit – D and I went to Derks in the West end – 151st and 101 ave. It is a outlet kind of store, so they have ‘experienced’ clothes (from their rental line) and new clothes. D was looking for something specific, so we went to look around. Wow! They have so much nice stuff. The experienced stuff is awesome and so cheap. Regular tux jackets go for $40-$80 and tux jacket with tails was $60 to $100. And there are ties, and vests and so much. It was really cool. I almost gave into the tux with tails jacket, but I am already vertically challenged and I don’t know if it would really make me look taller, plus, I like my booty and people should see it. Heehee.

Okay, ever been brain dead? I have been looking for these receipts for about a month now, so that I can claim them and get money back from my health plan. I searched high and low and in every folder and all around the house and tonight, long after giving up and hoping the company doesn’t ask for them, I am sitting on the phone and happen to look over, I lift one section of my daytimer and there they are. I searched my daytimer. ACK! Well, if they do ask for them, I do have them now. Oy!

New Year’s is coming and I hope everyone has something special to do. I wish the very best in the New Year. Hey, as mom always said, it can always be worse!

Christmas is over… new year’s is coming…

So Christmas was good, though I have determined that despite me talking, people really don’t listen. I loved my gifts though and I had a wonderful time on Christmas Eve – My chili rocked! And Christmas day was great, though filling. I received what I wanted and I know D tried hard to get me what I wanted and would like. D did well. It was interesting array of gifts. Though I got a ton of Future Shop GC’s and I really have nothing to buy there. I have to get people on the thought of Chapters for me. I can ALWAYS find books – music and movies not always -or at least, not for what I want to pay, even if it works out free.

I did receive 3 of my favorite movies for Christmas (Thanks D!) – Moulin Rouge, 10 Things I hate about you, and Ever After. I have already watched 2 and will probably watch the 3rd tonight. I have seen these movies so often and yet, I can always watch them again. It amazes me that a lot of the movies now, I don’t feel that way. I may watch them a couple times, but they don’t really call out to watch them over and over. Or maybe it is just me. Obviously, the Lord of the Rings movies are rewatchable. But there aren’t a lot that I have seen that I even want to buy. Though Elizabethtown is definitely a buy. That was a great movie. L and I went and we both said it was a date movie, though neither of us went with dates. I think it was very cerebral and funny. My kind of humor.

Another interesting development – I have actually been talking about the blog. I know, I said I would not share it, though I have now shared the actual site with 3 people. But I actually have mentioned it in conversations. Though I just ignore when people say they would like to read it. I figure I am trying to find my voice yet. And I am never as funny to others as I am to myself.

Speaking of which, I was out with mom today and she was telling me of how her coworkers think she is a little weird cause little things make her laugh – like her mouse constantly committing suicide. She has a desk with the underneath keyboard and mousepad shelf and the mouse always falls off, so it looks like it committed suicide. She laughs every time. I think it is funny too. Course between mom’s weird humor and dad’s dry humor, I can be rather hard to figure out. Heh heh. Bwahahahaaha! Am I joking or not? Heehee. I’ll never tell… What is the typical guy response – if something I say can be taken as hurtful, then that is not the way I meant it.

Back to Christmas, kitchen stuff seemed to be the theme for gifts this year too – I know some people I told them I wanted some kitchen stuff, but others bought us a teeny indoor grill – it is so small, it is cute- and a pancake grill. It was odd. Course, it means I have to reorganize the kitchen and get rid of some stuff. So I have room. I already started and part of me hates to let some of it go. It is so familiar and I know how to use it, but I have new stuff and I need the room - so I have to let it go. Sighhhh. I will miss the small bowls – they were shallow and so perfect for breakfast. And the black and white big spoons – they knew how hold soup so well. I can only hope the new stuff works as well. Though the new bowls are HUGE! Certainly not bowls to encourage weight loss – cause a lot of ice cream would be required to make it look even partially full.

I suppose I should figure out supper. I hate planning supper. D’s ideas were pizza and ordering. But the freezer is full. Though mostly with appetizers – like the 3 shrimp rings that I forgot to take out on Christmas Eve and the breaded mushrooms (which I will eat on Thursday when I only have to cook for me). And of course perogies – but I ate those for Christmas and for breakfast yesterday and there is still some for tomorrow’s lunch. Hee hee. Back to being domestic…

Three things.

Yoinked from Milady J

Three Names You Go By:
1. Hey You
2. Mistress
3. Bitch
Three Parts of Your Heritage:
1. French/Ukranian
2. Scottish/Irish
3. Welsh/British
Three Things I'm afraid of:
1. Beetles
2. Heights
3. Failing
Three of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. Shower
2. Food
3. Music
Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. socks
2. slinky material
3. pedometer
Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment):
1. Green Day
2. Thornley
3. Evanescence
Three of Your Favorite Songs (at the moment):
1. Wake me up when September ends – Green Day
2. Easy Comes - Thornley
3. Stupid – Sarah McLachlan
Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love):
1. Communication
2. Laughter
3. Sex
Two Truths and a Lie:
1. I easily can be lonely in a room full of people.
2. I value honesty with oneself over most anything else.
3. I’m promiscuous.
Three PHYSICAL Things about the Opposite Sex that you tend to notice:
1. Butt
2. Eyes
3. Butt - I like butts. :)
Three of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Reading
2. Writing
3. Arithmitic
Three Things You want to do really badly right now:
1. Puppy pile (see Anita Blake for reference)
2. Shop til I drop
3. Talk with friends
Three Places You Want to go on Vacation:
1. Ireland
2. Scotland
3. Australia
Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. Have a harem
2. Know myself
3. Make a positive mark in history
Three Ways that you are stereotypically a female/male:
1. I am curvy
2. I tend towards domesticity
3. I LOVE to shop
Three Ways That You Aren't A Stereotypical female/male:
1. I LOVE sex
2. I want a guillotine for my coffee table and a coffin for my dvds.
3. I hate cooking.
Three things you do daily:
1. Smile.
2. Think.
3. Dream.

I wanna hippopotamus for Christmas….

No, really, I want to kill that song. It is evil - Pure, unadulterated evil. It gets in your head, and goodness knows, you don’t all the words, so just the chorus runs in your head and just when you get it out, someone near you starts the song and it’s stuck…AGAIN!!! That has been the story of my week before Christmas.

On a happier note, I had lots of compliments on me being so happy and considerate at work from the clients. I think they like to see my blush. Phghghght. I do thank them though. It is appreciated when someone says that you are doing well.

On a stressful note, I am not ready for Christmas Eve. I thought by now everything would be ready, but I decided at last minute to change what I was serving. So now I am making my fabulous chili for everyone. It is nummy…. Have I done that recipe yet?

Chili

1 can tomato soup
1 lg can kidney beans, drained
1 med onion
1 green pepper (or red, yellow, orange or all three)
1 lb hamburger (or anything ground or nothing)
chili powder
garlic powder
hot sauce
ketchup (secret ingredient)

Dice onions and peppers – the size depends on whether you have people who hate them. D hates onions, so I cut them really small. I sometimes add carrots, celery, cauliflower or broccoli if they are in the fridge. Just keep the items close in size for cooking purposes.

Brown the hamburger in large electric skillet at 350F (or frying pan). Add onions and peppers, tomato soup, kidney beans (or vegetarian chili if I have no kidney beans) and a couple shakes of hot sauce. Fill almost half of the tomato soup can with water, swoosh to get the excess tomato soup off sides and add to pan. I then hold the ketchup bottle upside down, squeeze lightly and circle the pan twice. I like chili powder and garlic, so use them to your taste.

Stir, cover and cook for about 15 minutes on 225F. Stir occasionally. Taste after 10 minutes to see if need more ketchup or spices. This can sit for a long while if the temp is just high enough to keep warm. I usually serve with homemade biscuits.

Anyway, back to getting ready for Christmas. I have promised myself not to get my expectations up too high because then I set myself up for disappointment. I want a good Christmas, but I don’t expect everyone to get things right. That is my goal this year. Trust me when I say, it is lofty.

Have a good Christmas everyone, if you celebrate it. If not, then happy Hanukah, happy Solstice, happy Yule, happy holidays, happy friendship.

Domestic… Again

After reading my latest entries, I realized that I have not been very domestic lately. I have been doing a lot of stuff around the house, but not as much as I could be. However, with Christmas just around the corner, I have been working up a sweat running around the house trying to get things done. This weather has been so chaotic and with that potential position, I have just been putting off all the stuff I usually do and all of a sudden, I realize it’s only a few sleeps to Christmas. So today I baked up a storm. Well, can you call it baking when you don’t actually bake anything?

I made 2 batches of my peanut butter square (one with chunky peanut butter and one with smooth – hope D doesn’t mind I used all the crunchy up – heehee). Then I made 2 batches of rice krispie squares. Now, I make these often enough to know that tonight something was off – maybe cause I made it in the microwave, maybe cause they were fresh marshmallows, but they were sticky. I had to take my shirt off to soak it, cause after 2 batches, I had a good bit of it on my shirt and it wasn’t moving. Very annoying. But that is all done, so the baking I have left (the ones where I actually need to bake) will be done on Saturday. Which is good cause I need some of it for Sunday. No pressure though. I want to buy some mini loaf pans, cause that will make Sunday easier since some of the baking is for gifts and a mini loaf is easier than cutting slices.

Yesterday, I finally got my head out of my arse and worked on a Christmas present for a friend that I see on Sunday. I have only had the item for months, and I bought the new paint for it in October. Heehee. I got to play with blackboard paint. Really cool. The only problem is that I won’t be able to completely condition it before I give it to her. Oh well. It will be mostly done. Looks good too. Even if I realize that I suck at painting.

I am realizing slowly that while I have these grand visions in my head about how something should be made and how it will look, it never quite works out that way. Last year I decorated boxes for some friends with pics and items that represented them. I even did celtic knotwork. Now, most of it turned out awesome, but one box just wouldn’t accept the glue and no matter what I did, shortly after I gave it to the person, the decorations just fell off. At Halloween, we made columns for our gods and goddesses theme. And while they are certainly nice and they worked, they need about 2 more cans of spray paint each. And the one is really crooked. And they are not the same height (mind you that is Home Depot’s fault since they cut them for me and while he was nice enough to do it, he did do it crooked.) Next year’s theme is more decorating focused and I hope it comes off like we envision it.

The Christmas decorations are up, but I totally cut back. I put up technically a whole two strands of lights. And I put up 2 garlands with decorations and then some decorations in the dining room and the 1 wall in the living room. But it is very sparse. And I haven’t found the extension cord to turn on the lights yet. Hehe. Soon, I will do that.

Oh and to add to the stress, everyone wants to get together (which is great) but time is limited. Friday we see a few people, Sunday I am getting together with some friends in the afternoon, the gaming/present exchange in the evening and Monday night is another group of friends. It’s like everyone is just realizing that Christmas is next weekend. Oy!

I am a loser, baby, why don’t kill me?

So after all that work, I didn’t get the position I tried for. It wouldn’t hurt nearly as much if it hadn’t felt like I was a shoe in, like it was just a formality to go through the motions. And I ignored all that and studied and treated it just like a formal process while ignoring the voice that was gleefully thinking I would be out of my current office SOON! And then I blanked on a question in the interview and I obviously didn’t quite convince them that I knew what the answer was, but I just couldn’t remember the EXACT title of it. And then they decided that they wanted someone with more experience planning events. Well, why didn’t they say so? I have had some experience. That Never came up. So today I read my horoscope (cause who doesn’t?) and knew that I didn’t get it and when I got in and finally got a chance to check my emails, it was confirmed. But there was no reason specified. I had to call to find out. Thankfully, we were busy and I didn’t get a chance until my afternoon break.

Can I say Joy? Oh yeah, trying not to sound heartbroken and not take it personally as she tells me what I did wrong and what I didn’t have. Then being told that my several years of schooling are useless and I need to take another course or two and that I have to get out of where I am cause there is no way for me to get the skill set I need to get into that position where I am. So in other words, I need experience to get the job, but I need the job to get the experience. While I appreciate the assistance and the underlying caring of where I end up, I was really upset by the time the call was finished and I felt like I did when I finished my second degree and was told AGAIN that I need the next degree to do the ‘toe in the door’ job and did I want to spend another 4 years in university? I felt like I wasted a lot of my time then and I felt like that now.

So now I am sitting here writing this, eating smokehouse jalapeno almonds cause I can only eat a few and listening to the variety of music on my computer while deep down, I feel like drowning my sorrows in a large vat of food and I wish I drank. Sighhhh.

A happy note

I had supper with a former co-worker of mine today. Have you ever had one of those people who you meet and it’s like you’ve known each other forever? You just click and there are no awkward silences and you don’t run out of things to say. That was the way it was for S and I. She worked with me less than a year, I believe, but we just were great friends from the start. When she left to go to her AWESOME new job, it was horrible, cause I knew no one would replace her. (The only one who came close has also left to go to a new job but she doesn’t keep in touch – so whatever) And now I work alone and she has to deal with me sending her lonely emails about how lonely I am. Heehee. She thinks it is funny.

Anyway, the point is that we haven’t seen each other in a few months and the last time we got together, it was marathon of catching up - just like this time. We can talk for hours and boy, do we. I pity the poor waiters we get. They just don’t have a clue. We come in and it takes 30 minutes just to open the menu cause we are talking. Then a while to order, eat and then a lot longer while to leave.

It’s nice though, to have someone you can talk to and they get it. Even if it is weird or anti-societal, they just understand. And S is like that. She is so awesome. I try to make her laugh - a lot. I will write her an email and it may start with the punch line of a joke. Or the time I sent her the lyrics to “I’m all by myself”” by Green Day. I believe I even sent her an email with various lonely song titles as part of the sentences. Or the when she was on holidays, I wrote her an email like it was the captain’s log from Star Trek, except it was receptionist’s log. I know, I am sad. I won’t bore you with what we talked about, but I will say that when she left, I felt like everything was fine and nothing could go wrong. That is what it feels like to get together with a really good friend.

Afterwards I watched Alexander and wondered why I wasted three hours of my time on that movie. Other than how CUTE Colin Farrell’s lover was (so nummy!), it was like a really dull history lesson and I hated social studies in school.

Oh well, balanced the day I guess.

Sometimes wanna die

“It’s music to commit suicide to” -A

That is what a friend said on Friday night at Suburbs. I was invited to go, an acquaintance was co-djing and I hadn’t been to Suburbs in over a year so why not? D and I went and while I had an excellent game of pool (that I may not have won, but I had sunk all my balls before the 8 ball was sunk), the music was SO not my music. I had to clarify when A said that “it’s music to commit suicide to” cause it wasn’t – not quite – it was like it was depressing enough to put you in the mood and you might pick up the razor blade and hold it to your wrist, but the music just goes on and there’s no crescendo to finalize the act. So it’s like - music to almost commit suicide to. It was horrid. Our friends had a great time. A bunch showed after us. In the blogs, people said they had an awesome time. D and I left early using D’s work as an excuse and I was thankful that I left.

The acquaintance that djed was good, the transitions were wonderful, (unlike the other guy who had awkward transitions with silence) but I like music with words that are understandable and I like things that are varied. I should not be able to tap my foot to the same beat for over 3 songs. How can you dance to that? How can you enjoy it? To me, it was music that was adequate for a quiet evening with it quietly in the background, to just fill the occasional silence. Like depressing elevator music. Mind you, it was not something I would have chosen at all. And I know the dj usually has a few bands I know. It just seems he picks the B sides (not that there is such a thing anymore).

On a positive note, I now know that I do not EVER need to go to Suburbs again.