From my imagination to a delish bowl

Below is a soup I made the other night. We had eaten a late lunch and therefore I did not eat before yoga. After yoga, I was starving and chilled from the walk home. This soup was the perfect quick and delish meal.

Vegetable noodle soup – serves 2
1 small onion, diced
1-2 cloves garlic, diced
1 Tbsp oil
1 small crown of broccoli
Handful of shredded carrots
4 mushrooms cleaned and quartered
2 cups broth
1-cup water
1 Tbsp soy sauce
2 servings ramen noodles (found spinach ones at T&T that comes in a package of 8 servings)

Sauté onion and garlic in the oil in medium saucepan over medium heat. Add carrots, mushrooms, broth, and water to pot. Bring to a boil and let boil for a couple minutes. Add ramen noodles, soy sauce, and broccoli. Return to a boil. Lower heat to medium-low and let simmer for a few minutes, depending on how soft you like your noodles. Serve.

Burnout makes you feel crazy things

(To paraphrase The Hat’s own entry title so long ago)

Ever feel like you are full of great ideas and just can’t implement them? Ever feel like you are just not competent, no matter how much you do and accomplish? Ever feel like things are spinning out of control and your foot just can’t reach the floor to make it all stop spinning?

They will not force us
They will stop degrading us
They will not control us
We will be victorious.

I am tried of appearing like I have things together. Because I know I am doing a shitty job of appearing that way. I am sure most people around me are aware that I am losing it. I am swearing more at work. I spend more time stopping and trying to remember why I went there. I have so many things running through my brain and for some reason I just can’t get it all out on paper. You would think with the way my head normally works, I would have lists upon lists surrounding me. You would think despite the chaos I would at least have things written down on post its, random paper, etc. Instead I have ideas spinning in my head and if I don’t get there to do what I need to do before the ideas spin around, then forget it – it’s gone. There are so many projects I want to do around the house, but I am tired of my house being my project, my hobby, my life. I spend too much time at work, working overtime, not taking my breaks, letting my emails build to like 1600 or so in the inbox. I know the signs; I just don’t know how to implement a solution. I am tired of my work life being up in the air. I am tired of feeling like I am working a uphill battle for just a grain of intelligence from others, just a chance of respect, just a moment of recognition. Wait, that is not quite true. There are people who recognize my work. But the rest – it is all taken for granted. If you help them this once, you are expected to keep helping them. Like I have nothing else to do.

Then I come home and I find a house that is in need of projects being finished. For example, I really want to put the floor down in my office. But no – before I do that, first I need to pack and move everything out because not only will the floors get done, but we also need to tear out the outer walls and re-insulate. I know it needs to be done. I freeze so often in this room and we are positive it is due to the settling of the insulation. Plus this will be a clue as to the way the rest of the house will be and whether we need to re-insulate the rest of the house as we do projects. That also means redoing the walls and priming, painting, etc. This could take several days/weeks and so my computer needs some place else to be set up. Well, where is that going to be?

We have our annual Halloween party coming up, so technically that area is not available. Let’s get real though. So far, we have had maybe 25% of people respond and pretty much all of those are nays. Today is the last day of RSVPs. We all know what is going to happen. So I guess technically I can set it up downstairs and who cares.

And in all of this, what suffers? Me. My health. My well-being. I am a stereotypical woman. Everyone gets taken care of before me. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had someone to talk to, but it just feels like I don’t. Everyone seems to have a life, but me. And I feel like I drag D down with me because of that lack of life. It is my fault no one invites us out; my fault no one accepts our invites. I know this is martyrdom – I know it is not true. (Goodness, I hope it is not true.) I don’t want to whine and snivel. When I am out with people, I try to play up the good things going on. It is hard sometimes. I guess on one hand, I should be happy people aren’t hanging with us since I don’t have to hide everything so much.

So asking for help would be the common solution – right? Who do I ask? Poor fave co-worker hears a lot about it, but he has his own stress right now and I don’t want to add to it. Call my friends, you may suggest – well, the most common ones have lives and aren’t around. I would talk with the rest, but it seems like every one is so stressed right now, why add mine to the mix?

And nothing seems to be timed right. Here I am trying valiantly to finish up this big project at work right before my two-weeks holidays. D disappears for a work function for 5 days. D’s family (parentals, sister, and niece) shows up the last day of work and the day before D returns. So normally what happens is D goes away, I do stuff around the house (first Tuesday of the month is grocery day, Wednesday ndie comes over, and yoga is on Thursdays), and then Friday I would work late, come home and just relax. Saturday would be my day to sleep in, do some shopping or some project around the house. Then D would come home and our lives would continue. Instead, I did the stuff around the house and then each night cleaned part of the house and prepped for company on Friday. Friday morning, I was quickly doing that last clean before going to work since the family was supposed to pick up the key and go into my house before I got off work. Of course, no one remembered to take my work info and so I worked my 2 hours overtime (as per normal before holidays) and came home to find half of them parked in front of my house and the other half running around shopping. Then Saturday was the most ridiculous wedding I have ever been to. Not the wedding ceremony – that was sweet. But we found out at 11 am that the wedding was at 1 pm. Hellooooo?!? I refused to go to the reception. I wanted to go shopping and do something, so the sis, niece and I took off. We all got home around 5ish to find D had arrived home already – earlier than he thought. Which of course meant, I was now cooking for 6 instead of 5.

To add to this chaos, the mother was on a special diet all weekend, which nullified most of my usual recipes. And we couldn’t really go out on this diet, so I was cooking Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Now Friday, the parentals went out, so it was just sis, niece and I – so we ordered pizza. Saturday, due to D being home earlier, I had to arrange supper for 6 – thankfully I added a salad and everyone seemed happy. Sunday, I invited my parents over and then I was cooking for 8. And these people are pathetic. At the very beginning, it was just tell me if you need some help. At that time, I didn’t. The niece came over and helped wash potatoes. I tried showing her how to peel potatoes, but it was ‘too hard’ and so she left. The sis came in to interrupt me and see when shopping was, so I nodded to the potatoes I was cutting, pulled out another cutting board and put it down right in front of her, and when I turned to get a knife and say ‘hey can you help cut?’ – she took off. So I cut the potatoes by myself – while the 5 of them sat in front of the TV. I went looking for something to make the carrots slightly less boring (and find out how long to cook them) in my recipe books and that is when D came in to see if I needed help. Really?!? I am looking for a recipe and you are going to do what exactly? D is not known for cooking skills. Then it was off to shopping where I was torn between the mother and sis in their needs for attention. Then home so I can get the ham cooking and dinner started. Every time someone came in to see if I needed help, it was always at a point where there was nothing for anyone to do anything. Do you need help? Everything is on the stove cooking – what are you supposed to do? Would you like me to set the table? Uhhh, I already got the niece to do it. And then my parents were late – nothing like trying to guess how long I can keep things heated. The big complaint was the carrots were cold – well, I guess if you were here on time, they would have still been hot! Aghhhhhh! But dinner went off fairly well – even if I didn’t sit down for more than 5 minutes. I was asked if I was going to stand all night or have a rest – of course, there are 4 people on the sofa (two with their feet on the ottoman) and one in the only chair in the living room – where would you like me to sit as you all continue to zone in front of the TV?

They left at 5:30 Monday morning – it was really early… sighhh. I like D’s family – I just can’t do them in long stints like that. I keep saying move back to Alberta. We can see you more often. We can visit and leave all in the same day. But despite most of the family hating where they live, nope – can’t move. Sighhhh.

-D – Stop reading – skip down to the next paragraph
So add to this the reason for the special diet – mother has some potential health issues. It could be serious; it could be nothing after a few months of treatment. So this is stressful in itself. Add to the fact, the sis doesn’t really have many friends – so I am one of her main shoulders to lean on. I am also the person D talks to. But I can’t talk to D about my concerns. According to D, everything I say comes out like I am cold, callous, and heartless. But the family is horrible at planning. They say things and these change every few times you speak with them, and then months later, it is ‘well, I told you that six months ago.’ Arghhhh! So sis is planning worst-case scenario and saying they are coming down for Christmas – all four of them. This was told to me the evening of when they left. As in, there was no time to even think about recovering from having a stressful weekend/life/etc, and they are returning already. This is not how I am – or how I deal. I get my energy from time alone, time spent with one other person, from getting a chance to breathe and not have a ton of plans on my head. I am exhausted from work, from visitors, from life stresses and I just want to enjoy my holidays, but NO! We must start planning Christmas as if it is the last. Excuse my French but – FUCK! The tests haven’t been done, the results aren’t in; how about we leave the one-foot-in-the-grave planning until we actually have some information? How about we take some time to each absorb this information and start to internally deal with it? How about we lay off the planning for a bit until we know? How about we all live in denial for a few weeks, so maybe, just maybe, I can relax again and get my life under control and not feel like I can’t do anything right and not feel like my health is in jeopardy? How about that? How about I get some time to get my life in order so I don’t suffer from the current stresses before you add more? How about I get some time to absorb what this all means and how I am going to deal with what the outcomes might be? How about we get some effin’ information and plan based on reality, not on what your fears are thinking?


On a good note – the niece is growing like a weed and thinks her mom is quite silly. All of our training when she was just months old have finally come to fruition. We really wanted her first words to be ‘silly mommy’. The cat survived – and I am always amazed at her patience with the niece. She allows the niece to pick her up and carry her and pet her. And the most she has ever done is a deep growl. Then the cat turns around and takes out all of her frustration on the sis. It is very funny. Yes – my Happy Bunny calendar does say – “cruel, but cute so I’m worth it.”

So where does that bring us – I have finished one week of holidays. I have gotten some sleep, but not enough. I have done some shopping, but not enough. I have done some of the big project, but not enough. The best news is the new patio set and bbq do fit into the shed. Whoot! With a bit of room to spare so I can get to the tools I need for winter. Whoot! The appointments with the doctor, dentist, and vet are complete - just the appointments for the blood work to do this week. I found a pretty lateral filing cabinet I want – but at the time, D said I couldn’t buy it – and so I am hoping it is there on Monday when I go back. If not, I have a couple more options to try - though the price won’t be so awesome I am sure. These are the times when I wish we had a mini-van or something to bring things home in. It would be so much easier… Sighhhh.

Anyway, I have procrastinated enough. I should get back to packing and moving boxes. We are stuck at home tomorrow doing a curve test, so maybe I can get some of the big projects actually moving tomorrow… ;)