Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Crisis of Faith

I have been having a bit of a crisis of faith recently. It is a big topic, so let’s go to where this all began...

When I was in junior high or high school, I made several decisions, which have defined who I am today. One of those was not to drink. Another was to not have children. Looking back, part of the reason could be my rebellion against society’s mores (this is an on-going rebellion). Ask me then though and I would have given you a detailed description about why bringing children into this world is a horrible thing for our earth and society. Like so many of my age, I was interested in the environment and I wanted to help save it. Adding to the billions of people on the planet was certainly not going to assist in anyway. If someone wanted kids, there are enough in our own country who are not being taken care of properly. (Yes, we had foster children for a while.)

And this has been my stance since. Until a few years ago. Suddenly, I started thinking maybe it would be nice to see who comes out of the mixing of my genes. Maybe it would be nice to raise a child and show them the world as I see it and experience it as they see it. Maybe it would be nice to carry on my family. At that time, it was discussed with those in my life and varying responses came in. In my mind it was a possibility – if I could lose the weight. Goodness knows, I didn’t need to add 30 lbs (more likely 60lbs) to my already curvy frame. Back when I was sixteen, my urologist told me it was unlike I would have kids – it would put too much strain on my kidneys. I fully believed him. Since then, a few doctors have told me that I have no worries there; I shouldn’t worry about gestational diabetes or anything else either.

Friday, D and I were discussing our priorities, both short and long term. A rather heated discussion occurred over children. Were we or weren’t we? D was supportive either way. I needed to decide. (Did I mention I hate having to make life decisions on my own?!?) I honestly don’t know what I want. There are times when I think I would make an excellent mother. There are other times when I am not ready to give up my life style, my hopes, and my dreams to bring a child into this life. But as an intelligent woman, aren’t I be obligated to have a child? Shouldn’t I make my parents grandparents? Don’t I want to have a hand in raising a child? Don’t I want to do it better than others I know? Don’t I want my family to live on in history? Don’t I want a legacy?

Do I want to get pregnant and go through that ordeal? Do I want to adopt? If I adopt, how do I choose a child? That’s the easy part of having a baby – you don’t have to choose to bring that specific person into your life – not many options there. But if you adopt, how do you know who will fit into your life? I even went online and looked up adoption in the city. I looked at the kids currently available. I imagined myself raising one of the older kids. While less than 5 years of age would be awesome as I would actually affect their developmental years, older means they are able to fit into my lifestyle now. I could still go to Scotland in 2 years. Heck they would be old enough to take with me if I wanted. I could do this. But did I want to?

As Elizabeth Gilbert says in Eat Pray Love, sometimes if you stop talking and start listening, the universe will provide a response. When I continued reading her book Saturday evening, I came across this passage:
But what if, either by choice or by reluctant necessity, you end up not participating in this comforting cycle of family and continuity? What if you step out? Where do you sit at the reunion? How do you mark time’s passage without the fear that you’ve just frittered away your time on earth without being relevant? You’ll need to find another purpose, another measure by which to judge whether or not you have been a successful human being. I love children, but what if I don’t have any? What kind of person does that make me?


And it is true. I haven’t taken the road most traveled. I haven’t followed society’s mores. I have done some things that society is fine with, but only because they don’t know the whole story. So what if I don’t have children? What if I don’t follow that path? What kind of person does that make me? Am I doing the right thing by not having children? How will I leave my legacy if I don’t share my genes? How will I feel important, successful, accepted? What is my real need right now? Am I really regretting not having children? Or is there some other hole in my life that I am not filling?

Don’t think I have all the answers. The universe didn’t give it to me that easy – or perhaps I was so shocked by the empathetic thoughts Ms Gilbert wrote that I stopped listening. Either way, I am still a bit unsettled with the whole idea. There is a psychiatrist in me who knows all the questions to ask – the problem is I don’t know how to whittle the answers out of my thoughts. The easy answer is if I have doubts, don’t do it. But that doesn’t get to the root of the situation. That doesn’t mean these doubts won’t return. I would rather figure this out while there is time for me to make a change, rather than wake up way, way in the future and suddenly feel like I am nothing because I have no one but myself to choose my senior’s home.

And there it is – my crisis of faith - my sudden departure from the decision I made so many years ago.

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Once upon a time I didn’t give a damn…

Have I mentioned recently how vital Yoga is to me? Seriously, I woke up Sunday with a sore back and it has plagued me all week. I went to yoga, hoping we would do something to help or maybe the instructor would give me some ideas. We ended up doing wall work with our feet up the wall and at one point, I felt my lower back crack three times. Poof, just like that, half of the pain was gone. It was like the most wondrous feeling around. Now I am not saying I am cured, but I certainly feel better. Maybe I can actually do something this weekend rather than caring and stretching a sore back.

Now for Earth day, I celebrate with two Happy Bunny quotes (yes, you can get these on a t-shirt, so buy one and make the world a funnier place).


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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My back hurts and it has nothing to do with a chandelier…

O M G – my back is killing me. I have no idea what I did. It was twingy on Sunday when I awoke, but it didn’t bug me as I went about my chores. Started to hurt more in the evening, so I took it easy. Monday it was a bit sore, but I walked it out at work until I pivoted at the end of the day – and the pain took my breath away. Still, walked home okay and things weren’t too bad. Had a excellent meal at The Keg followed by lots of shopping and looking at Chapters. It was really starting to bother me at The Keg and by the time we got home, it really felt like I had strained something. I tried stretching, I got D to massage my back, it just seemed to get worse. Took 2 Tylenols about an hour before bed and once they kicked in, it was doable. Of course, I also coated my back in Absorbine Jr. Then at 3 am I woke up with pains again. Tried to find a position that wouldn’t kill me, but at 4, I gave up, took 2 more Tylenols, re-coated my back in Absorbine Jr, and managed to fall back asleep. When the alarm went off, there was no way I was going in to work. Called in for a sick day and crawled back into bed. There I stayed until 11 am, when I crawled out of the bed for a shower and more stretching, followed by catching up on tv shows and more stretching. I can do a lot of moves and there are no problems, but it is the subtle little moves that seem to knock the wind out of me. Touch my toes – sure. Bend my knees while doing so – not so good. Twist to grab something – no problem. Twist and then bend a bit – wrong thing to do. I have no idea what I did (unless it was the several hours of sewing, followed by TV watching, and computer use on Saturday?) or why it is getting worse. It is all across the lower back and I am out of yoga moves to try to get things feeling better. I HATE being out of commission – though I did enjoy catching up on my shows. Teehee. My PVR is down to 61% - Whoohoo!

Aside from that, the stress at work can now abate somewhat. The deadlines have come and gone. There were no extensions, so if it wasn’t done – oh well.

And I keep promising you a new recipe – so here is the lovely dessert I made. I got this from my Style at Home magazine and it is supposedly from the Two Dishes cookbook.

Whipped Cheesecake Mousse with Cinnamon Graham Cracker Crunch

8 oz cream cheese, at room temperature (one 250g package – I didn’t know this at first and only used 1/3 of a package and I think it tasted even better with less cream cheese)
2 cups 35% (whipping) cream, cold, divided
¼ cup sour cream
¼ cup plus 1 Tbsp granulated sugar
Seeds of ½ vanilla bean, or 1 tsp of vanilla extract (I used my clear vanilla extract from Mexico)
½ cup graham cracker crumbs (about 6 crackers)
¼ tsp ground cinnamon
1 cup fruit (e.g. – I used thawed blueberries and fresh bananas – the recipe called for finely chopped fresh strawberries (about 14) or 2 tsp of strawberry jam per serving)
8 sprigs fresh mint, for garnish

With mixer of low, beat cream cheese, ½ cup whipping cream, sour cream, sugar, and vanilla in bowl. Increase speed to high and beat until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.

In separate large bowl with clean beaters, beat remaining 1 ½ cups whipping cream on high until stiff peaks form. Stir large spoonful of the whipped cream into cream cheese mixture to lighten texture. Add cream cheese mixture back to remaining whipped cream and gently fold in to thoroughly combine.

Combine graham crackers crumbs and cinnamon in small bowl. Using 8 Moroccan tea glasses or small delicate glasses (about 2/3 cup each), place ½ tbsp graham cracker crumbs in bottom of each glass. Top with layer of mouse to fill half of the glass. Add layer of fruit, then another layer of mousse to come to top of glass. Garnish with remaining crumbs, some fruit, and spring of int. Refrigerate for 1 hour before serving.

It was starting to dry out 24 hours later, so best if eaten in one day (like we needed a reason).

Makes 8 servings.

Enjoy. I know I think about making this a lot, but D isn’t a dessert fan and I really shouldn’t eat the whole thing by myself – though I could. Heehee.

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

You know, maybe if you ate more comfort food, you wouldn’t have to go around shooting people. – Lost

Would you like to know what I have been spending some of my free time doing –




The first is a wonderful doublet (I had an awesome pick of the front, but in my haste to clean out the memory in my camera, I pressed the wrong button and deleted it. It is being worn at the moment and therefore I can’t capture the picture again.) I believe the words tonight when I showed D the doublet with the new sleeves was “that is f***in awesome!” The second costume is not quite done and it is my take on Assassin’s Creed 2. I don’t think it has turned out all that bad, considering I did not have a pattern. So far I have done the cowl, the tabard, and the side cloak. Still to do - a lower piece and a belt.

Aside from that, time is just passing and I feel like I have little to show. Keeping this house tidy is so time consuming – well, that and keeping up on my shows. Sheesh! A co-worker asked what I was going to do this weekend and my response was “watch tv.” I mean, really?!? The weather is gorgeous and I am inside watching tv and trying to get the PVR back to a decent amount. Thankfully, it is under 80% right now, so I feel well enough to get to the computer and do some fun stuff on here.

Tomorrow the plan is hopefully to wash the cars, perhaps roto-till the garden, wash dishes, watch some more tv, and go to bed early.

I can’t wait until Monday night. That is when the next batch of deadlines is for work. Come Tuesday things are what they are. Too bad so sad if you didn’t meet the deadline. Whew! Of course, I have to make it til then. Thank goodness yoga has been extended to June.

Speaking of yoga – I love this class. There are so many weeks when the only thing getting me through is yoga. 90 minutes of me time – time to focus on my body, my mind – time to relax. Just thinking of it makes me start to relax some.

A&J lent me an excellent book – Such a Pretty Fat (by Jen Lancaster). The book is about the author’s journey in weight loss. When I started reading it, I so identified with the author right away. She has my sarcastic sense of humor. It was very interesting reading. I am in that journey myself and feeling the doldrums; the growing want to do something being defeated by the lack of motivation to do it. I walk. I get my 10,000 steps Monday through Friday. I try not to eat excessively. And still I hover. I am getting back into the habit of leaving work on time, which leads to exercising when I get home. Then the weekend comes and the steps decrease and the food decreases, but still the weight staggers. I bought two new jackets – one for winter and one for spring. Both are much smaller sizes than I expected, which made me very happy. So I know the inches are coming off. Why aren’t the numbers on the scale moving in a downward direction?

There are so many things I still want to do. Like with my weight, I am just not overly motivated to do them. One would say it could be depression. But I don’t feel depressed. A little lonely, a lot horny, a bit overwhelmed, but not depressed. I am feeling lost a bit I think. Both at home and at work. So much to do that I just can’t figure out where to start. D and I were talking about Hoarders and I was trying to explain how someone could get to the point they are on the show. How so much of the time it starts with being overwhelmed and not knowing where to start, so instead you don’t start. You put it off. Things get worse and while you acknowledge the problem, you are just so overwhelmed you can’t start. I feel like I am at the edges of that. I empathize with these people. I know I could easily become someone like that. Sometimes I feel like I am going down that road. So I start a project and I try, but there always gets to be a point where you stumble – some memory grabs you or you get bored or overwhelmed and then you stop. It’s like one step forward and two back. The goal is going forward, so at least I am trying.

I just feel like a year ago I was in a good place – I knew my job; I had my routines; I was organized. Then my job got played around with and I got to a point where I seriously felt like I was burning out. Then my job was played around with again and it has taken so long to get to a point where I can leave at the right time. But I still don’t feel organized. And this has completely spilled over into my home life. And in yoga being on chore night and suddenly, I can’t seem to get things done. Add in the trip right at Christmas and I feel so far behind in everything. It seems everyone has such exciting lives that take them out of the house and I rarely go anywhere. I don’t feel like I can. There is so much I need to do. If I could just return to that point where things seemed to make sense, where things seemed to get done, where it felt like I could have a life. That’s where I would like to be.

Alright – enough self reflection. Again. Teehee.

Big surprise, but I do have some things I need to get done yet, so until next time…

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Sunday, April 04, 2010

You win. I am bored to death.

4 days off. 4 days with nothing too strenuous planned, but there are a few plans each day to give me a reason to get up. Day 3 – the mall is closed and I am bored. I mean, seriously, I had just two places I had to go and few others to waste some time, before stopping at the food court for supper. But the mall is closed. I was able to stop at the bank, but nothing else. Even tried a freestanding store and it was closed as well. Sighhhh. I had been standing up for the stores who would not be open on Easter Sunday as it was respectful to their staff. Every one needs a day off. But now that my plans are shot, what am I to do? I am so close to finishing a couple of projects, but I need a couple more items. Sighhhh.

Yes – you read that correctly – I am actually completing projects…oooh! How exciting eh? Teehee. I went through my recipes and tossed a few I would never make and organized the rest into binders. Well – almost. I need more page protectors. This will make things so much neater and hopefully, easier to find. Hopefully.

I also have organized all the gaming cards (for the miniatures) into a binder (luckily, found some more card pages so I could finish). Now, just to go through and ensure we still have the miniatures. It will be nice to be able to know at a glance if we have something.

So two long-standing projects are getting done. Several more to go, but it’s a start. D and I went to Michael’s on Friday with a lovely coupon for 15% off your entire purchase, including sale items, and I bought a bunch more things for my projects since they were already on sale – it was a wonderful coupon.

Now I am wasting time on the computer, because I don’t want to do my other project for this weekend – wiping down the fridge. Oh yes, spring has sprung and with it the spring-cleaning commences. Joy. Sometimes it feels like it is pointless – I spent a couple of hours yesterday reorganizing the laundry/pantry/workshop/storage room. I swear I just did that a couple of months ago. Do I hope it will stay this way? I keep trying different storage solutions in hopes that someday, something might just work. Really, I need to redo the room – make the shelves wider and redo the built in desk. But that is so far down the list of renos, I just need to work with what I got.

Talked to the neighbors today (can always tell when the weather gets nicer – you start seeing the neighbors again). We were discussing what we each wanted to do around our yards and houses and how the most important thing holding us back is money and to some extent, time.

And it doesn’t help with the spring-cleaning I am seeing more and more things we need to replace. D needs new work clothes. I need new shoes. Speaking of which, I need to throw a load of laundry in. Oops.

Okay, I am back. Our roof is starting to show wear, but I don’t dare mention that to D. My dad wants to tear down our shed. Which means we would need to replace it. If it is smaller that what we have now, then we need to extend the fence.

I swear, sometimes, it feels like a big domino effect. Do one thing, which leads to another and so on and so on.

Anyway, back to 4 days off. I love long weekends. I made sure I have a few 4-day weekends this year. Whoohoo! Tomorrow, I am probably going shopping with mom. See what interesting places we will go. What interesting things I will try not to buy. Teehee.

Alright – it looks like my download is almost done. I suppose I should go think about supper – since the mall being closed ruined that plan. Sighhhh. I suppose I should be happy the mall was closed – I wasn’t able to have a slush float. No unnecessary calories for that. Sighhhh.

Hey maybe someday, I will update this with more recipes - ohhh - did I mention the new recipe for a cheesecake mousse. Oh my goodness - it is heavenly. I could eat the entire bowl myself. Sighhhh. Soon, I might provide that recipe. Teehee.

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