I’m not fat. I’m just so freakin’ sexy it overflows.

Yep – Aunty Acid states the truth! Teehee.

So I am involved in a ten week cognitive behavior therapy class. My attitude going in is that I am going to learn at least one new thing. So far, the learning is not all that mind-blowing. They have a rule that you cannot get involved in intimate relationships with the other students. This does not just mean sexual, but actual friendships as well. There are a couple people there that I could become friends with, but obviously that is not happening. Another rule is that you have to ask permission before providing feedback. This would work better if people followed it.

I already did the workbook last year and passed it on to a friend. This book so needs to be reworked. I find it would be great if you were already at the beginning of your weight loss journey, but in the middle of your journey – not as great. That’s of course assuming you get past page 12 where they basically tell you that you will only lose about 10% of your weight and that’s it. Not that you may plateau, but not lose anymore unless you lower your eating to 1380 calories a day for the rest of your life and doing one hour of vigorous exercise a day. Let’s be honest – if I was interested in that sort of life, I wouldn’t be the person I am now.

I am finding myself at odds with myself. I want to get down to a number that I want to be (that’s weight, inches, size of clothing, etc.). I want to do it healthily and am prepared for it to be slow. I am willing to make small changes that eventually become my new normal. I am prepared for plateaus and realize that these are times to practice maintaining and then resetting my plan. Perhaps in the future, 1380 calories and an hour of exercise will be my new normal. For now – stop telling me this!!! This is depressing shit. This says I will have no time in my life for anything else. This tells me I can’t be fun-loving, social, or happy.

Yes – I need a bit of a belief system change. One thing that has stuck with me from the class is the iceberg philosophy. The situation is what you see above the water. Just below the surface is your knowledge and skills to handle the situation. Below that going into the depths are your thoughts, your beliefs, and your feelings. I guess I never really thought that your feelings would be below your beliefs. But it makes sense. So what I need to work on is my belief system, which means getting in touch with the feelings that set them. Unfortunately, I feel like this is way above my skills right now.

Why do I feel that an hour of exercise a day is excessive? Why do I think this will waste my entire evening? (You know I am not getting up earlier – nope – not happening). I was doing a half hour walk during work and then a half hour of exercise when I got home from work Monday and Tuesday. There’s an hour right there. Thursdays during fall and winter are yoga for 90 minutes. Wednesday was my day off after work. So why has this year been so hard to exercise? Why am I letting that go so easily?

For the past 6 weeks I have not done my food journal. Why not? It started the week I had to travel two weeks in a row for work. It was just too much bother. Then I had a week in town and travelled again. So I thought okay – when I am back at home, I’ll do it again. That was two weeks ago. What the heck? Now – as it happens, I haven’t gained any weight in that time, so the good news is I can maintain without the journaling. But I need to get back into this habit again. I doesn’t help my Fitbit has been acting up. The one I had for a year, just up and died. The replacement I bought last week decided it didn’t want to hold a charge and then one of the lights refused to work and the next was thinking the same thing. So today, we have a new one again. Oy!

So this is what I am working on and thinking about and trying not to bore D with. No wonder I was willing to spend seven hours yesterday cleaning the master bedroom and upper bath from the ceiling to the floor and everything in between, with a brief break in between to tidy the sewing/gift room and do the sewing pile. Distraction is a wonderful tool, though it gave me lots of time to think as well.

Anyway, I need to get some sleep. Another week of excitement at work. Thank goodness it’s a short week for me.

Being upset is a side-effect of giving a crap.

It’s been a tough little while. So much negativity is going on and part of me just wants to crawl under the covers and refuse to come out until the universe makes things fun and happy again.

Deaths of friends, friend’s family members, celebrities I grew up on: you want me to support you because you are finding things hard? I can do that. Let’s talk or just sit and be quiet or be angry or laugh with tears in our eyes. Deal with my own feelings? I don’t know if I can do that. There are times when I am self-aware and all I can tell you now is that I am living the dream in denial. The most shocking was the friend at work. We just talked with him on Friday – had a good laugh over the boredom of being in regional meetings when your region is last on the list. Then Monday we find out he passed away Saturday morning. I just can’t quite wrap my head around it.

Depression: it seems to be something so many people are dealing with. Again, want me to support you? I am there. I listen well, I can offer advice if you want me to, I can remind you why you are a good person, or I can distract you with other things. Having a bad day – I may even out of the blue just feel like sending you a message to tell you how I love you. Know how to deal with my own feelings? Nope. I both want someone to acknowledge me and want to be left alone. I hate to be a burden on others and yet when others need me I don’t feel like they are burdening me. What’s up with that?

Work: Arghhhh! That’s what I have to say. I love my job sometimes – I help people and I truly care, but sometimes, I want people to leave me alone to do all the work I said I would do. I am feeling overwhelmed and like I can’t get stuff done and yet at the end of the day, I am questioning what I did accomplish. I haven’t been taking breaks. I am not taking care of myself and I can feel it. I am so lonely in some aspects at work (no one in my direct unit work here so I feel left out of so much), but then again, I value the quiet to get things done. My colleague who did work in my unit has left for greener pastures, which has left me to pull up the slack. I am trying to let things go. It’s hard. But I also am the main person everyone else comes to.

Life: Same as work. Why am I being such a martyr? Why am I not putting myself at the top of my priority list? I feel like my house is a mess (a reflection on myself) and while I do little things here and there, I just can’t seem to get ahead. What do I do to relax? I don’t know. I am even having trouble sitting watching a TV show. I get bored. I want to do something. Get me on the computer and I play stupid games after reading all my comics and blogs. I don’t want to write; I don’t want to clean my emails.

But goodness have I been shopping. I don’t know why. It’s not always for me either. I am 50% done my Christmas shopping already. D has a wonderful new wardrobe. I have a bunch of new clothes. I am finding sales like you wouldn’t believe. It’s not making me happy.

The heat is killing my sleeping schedule so I am hungry so often. The bonus is that I am learning new things all the time. My ability to eat like I used to is not the same. It’s amazing how quickly I get full. Does not mean I stop eating, but I am mindful enough to notice.

My sense of denial is strong and yet at the same time, I am completely aware of the denial. I just don’t care enough to change it. How do I get myself to care about me again?

The mosquitos have banished me to the indoors again. Which sucks. I have a garden that needs tending. I also have an arse covered in mosquito bites. Yep – I seem to spray everywhere else, but obviously my arse is so large I miss sections. Damn mosquitos. And I got to say the ones on my face are not appreciated at all. I got so many bites yesterday that I had to take a Reactine to reduce the swelling. I hate being allergic to insect stings.

A funny thought is the fact that I have become quite comfortable with Vancouver. Oh I’m not moving there, but I have learned where so many things are, where to eat, where to shop, how to get around. I am quite impressed with myself. I also seem to meet very interesting guys in Vancouver – not that it leads anywhere other than conversation, but men love to talk to me. In Vancouver. It’s a good thing I am learning the city – it seems I might be spending more work time there. That’s fine until the weather turns. And don’t ever put me in Vancouver when it snows. I cannot handle that at all.

D&D has successfully ended. It took six years, but a wonderful conclusion happened. Sure it was rushed, but at least it happened. Right now we are taking a break. I personally just need time to step away and let things go (I know - a running theme). My character got her fairy tale ending – after saving the world, there is a wedding to a wonderful supportive husband with the knowledge of a couple children and beautiful house. There is a calm happy feeling on her face and there is love. Others got their wishes – a girlfriend, a new evil team, their world brought back to reality, and a chance to start a new adventure. The story only cost us several deaths of party members (including an NPC I grew to care about), the loss of innocence, and, outside of game, a couple friendships. Sighhhh…

Anyway, sleep is now calling so I will sign off. Until later.