Old but I’m not that old. Young, but I’m not that bold.
Today we thank OneRepublic for our title. Counting Stars has been played a lot recently - good beat, great words - always makes me smile.
What a hard week. It started off well. I had a four day weekend, taking both Friday and Monday off. The first three days were great. My office looks fabulous; my shredding and filing is done. I can see my actual desk top. I had some great conversations with D, talking about life, the future, just random thoughts. Then Monday the alarm went off to feed the cat and I woke to a headache. So I rolled over and went back to bed. Two and half hours later, the headache was worse. The sleep didn’t help and the Tylenol I then took hardly did anything. So I got up, slowly did the most important things I wanted to do – surprisingly being upside down in the chest freezer as I cleaned it out did help. I tried to take a nap in the afternoon which did not help. About 1am Tuesday, my headache finally let up. So despite not getting enough sleep I was off to work. And this is where all my mental work on the weekend went awry. As I have mentioned before, work has been utterly stressful and crazy busy. I have been trying to help other people off the edge while trying not to utterly drain myself of energy or leaping off the edge myself. Now that work has sort of slowed down - I have actually been able to take a break here and there and eat lunch before 3pm – I have been trying to focus on the positive aspects of my job and life and let some of the negativity go. As an optimistic pessimistic, it is not an easy thing to do. I usually shoot for at least 50/50, but I have been trying to go for more positivity than negativity. It seems this week the universe decided I should be tested… I wouldn’t say I aced the test.
I found out my assignment was extended. From an email from someone else who found out before I did. 30 seconds people – that’s all it would have taken to send a short email letting me know before everyone else.
I had a ton of emails requesting my help, which after answering, I found out they had gone to someone else. First, let’s follow procedures people. Second – again – 30 seconds is all it takes to send a quick email.
When you send an email requesting help after a person has been off for a few days and when we are not quite done our project, don’t assume you are a priority just because your work is done. Don’t then send me a message saying ‘let’s meet at 1:30 to discuss.’ What happen to finding out if I have time, other priorities, or even interest in helping. It doesn’t help that this person has been losing my respect during the last three months. The demands she states she has made and therefore gotten her way. The laziness in doing her own job on the premise that she is helping others. The fact that I have had to talk many of the people she has ‘helped’ from the edge because of the demands she is putting on others. The overtime she has put in that has no quantitative results. The snide remarks about her own manager and how he better give her time off. The travelling with additional overtime that has the appearance of not having done any good or have any logical rationale. She is promoting herself on skills or knowledge that I just don’t believe she has. It’s all so frustrating and it really has put me in a position of not wanting to deal with her without having a sound foundation of why. I just can’t figure out how to say why she should ask someone else because I can feel inside this eruption waiting to happen. So I stall until I have to deal with her and I say I’m too busy to talk.
The most annoying part is that on Tuesday she sent the email and then the message and I kind of followed through on what I had to do, but I didn’t really look at it until Friday when she happened to be away from the office. And the problem she identified is big and it’s something I have been trying to figure out if it is a problem for about 3 months, but no one could answer my questions. It needs to be fixed by the end of the month and I don’t know if it can. Part of the problem is that I obviously wasn’t asking the right questions – hindsight is a wonderful that way. But why did she not notice this before. This problem existed 3 months ago. It’s her file, not mine. Why did she not clue into this earlier? Why wait until now to identify it? Perhaps she also was asking the wrong questions. Regardless, I have to deal with it (and her) now and of course, she is travelling again shortly so I know on Monday she will be at my desk asking me what is going on. I know – 30 seconds to send an email, but I just needed to leave on Friday. So Monday morning I will take 30 seconds and send an email saying I’ll let her know when I have a fix. Now I wish I could figure out how to fix my feelings regarding her. Part of the problem was I refused to look at this rquest (yes – passive aggressiveness at its finest) because of my feelings of her. If someone else had asked, then I would have been all over it right away. So obviously I need to work on this. I just don’t know how.
Of course, it didn’t help Tuesday late morning my headache returned and at 4 am on Wednesday I let my manager know that I would not be in. In the afternoon I realized it was a migraine, but by that time it was lessening. It sucks that I worked so well under the pressure crunches, but the effects of that are now starting to show. I feel like I am so far behind and so many of my side projects have suffered. I really just want one day at work where I can be left alone and I can work on one of my side projects. If I had a day, I swear it would be 90% done. At least to the point that we can present it and work on the other aspects in as time arises. In fact, with a day, I might actually have it all done. We are that close. I asked the team if we could have a meeting so we can talk about where we are at, because I think we really are that close but none of us realize it yet.
The other thing going through my head is that spring is coming – well, technically it is here, but of course the snow I shoveled yesterday and today contradict that fact. So I am getting antsy. I haven’t been hanging with friends because I have needed the time to re-energize myself. Now I want to get out there and catching up with my friends and laugh and connect. Part of me is holding back because I am not fully re-energized. I slept for about 10 hours last night and I am exhausted already. I could take a nap. And I feel like a headache is just hiding. But I am starting to have all this energy again. Except it doesn’t last. So I know I am not ready to throw myself out and do a ton of stuff, but I want to do something. I miss my friends. K is back at work so we have been talking more and taking breaks, but even that is not like we used to. Two of my friends at work are now off on mat leave. Another friend is pregnant. Another couple friends are in new relationships. I am so happy for them. I wish I could spend more time with them as I want to hear all about their news. Sadly I feel like I have nothing to contribute. There is nothing really going on in my life. It honestly has been so much about work and trying to re-energize. I have started thinking about d&d again – which is good. I honestly couldn’t even contemplate a game until this past week. I want to get more active – I’m just so tired. It’s like my mind and my body are arguing constantly about what I should do. Let’s do rock band – nope, instant headache. Let’s watch TV – nope, bored now. Let’s play on the computer – and do what? Let’s go for a walk – nope nap time. I’m hungry – oooh, let’s have chips or an apple or both – nope, too nauseous now. My head feels like it is running hot, but I don’t have a fever. I have this pent up energy to do something/anything, but I want a nap first.
Ahhh – the tides of spring. A little later than normal – probably because of the stress of work, but it is there. The desire to reinvent, to do, to be. The reality of exhaustion, bad weather, illness. This duality drives me nuts. I obviously need some time with friends. So I guess I should send out some emails and see when people have time. Maybe that will help energize me more.
What a hard week. It started off well. I had a four day weekend, taking both Friday and Monday off. The first three days were great. My office looks fabulous; my shredding and filing is done. I can see my actual desk top. I had some great conversations with D, talking about life, the future, just random thoughts. Then Monday the alarm went off to feed the cat and I woke to a headache. So I rolled over and went back to bed. Two and half hours later, the headache was worse. The sleep didn’t help and the Tylenol I then took hardly did anything. So I got up, slowly did the most important things I wanted to do – surprisingly being upside down in the chest freezer as I cleaned it out did help. I tried to take a nap in the afternoon which did not help. About 1am Tuesday, my headache finally let up. So despite not getting enough sleep I was off to work. And this is where all my mental work on the weekend went awry. As I have mentioned before, work has been utterly stressful and crazy busy. I have been trying to help other people off the edge while trying not to utterly drain myself of energy or leaping off the edge myself. Now that work has sort of slowed down - I have actually been able to take a break here and there and eat lunch before 3pm – I have been trying to focus on the positive aspects of my job and life and let some of the negativity go. As an optimistic pessimistic, it is not an easy thing to do. I usually shoot for at least 50/50, but I have been trying to go for more positivity than negativity. It seems this week the universe decided I should be tested… I wouldn’t say I aced the test.
I found out my assignment was extended. From an email from someone else who found out before I did. 30 seconds people – that’s all it would have taken to send a short email letting me know before everyone else.
I had a ton of emails requesting my help, which after answering, I found out they had gone to someone else. First, let’s follow procedures people. Second – again – 30 seconds is all it takes to send a quick email.
When you send an email requesting help after a person has been off for a few days and when we are not quite done our project, don’t assume you are a priority just because your work is done. Don’t then send me a message saying ‘let’s meet at 1:30 to discuss.’ What happen to finding out if I have time, other priorities, or even interest in helping. It doesn’t help that this person has been losing my respect during the last three months. The demands she states she has made and therefore gotten her way. The laziness in doing her own job on the premise that she is helping others. The fact that I have had to talk many of the people she has ‘helped’ from the edge because of the demands she is putting on others. The overtime she has put in that has no quantitative results. The snide remarks about her own manager and how he better give her time off. The travelling with additional overtime that has the appearance of not having done any good or have any logical rationale. She is promoting herself on skills or knowledge that I just don’t believe she has. It’s all so frustrating and it really has put me in a position of not wanting to deal with her without having a sound foundation of why. I just can’t figure out how to say why she should ask someone else because I can feel inside this eruption waiting to happen. So I stall until I have to deal with her and I say I’m too busy to talk.
The most annoying part is that on Tuesday she sent the email and then the message and I kind of followed through on what I had to do, but I didn’t really look at it until Friday when she happened to be away from the office. And the problem she identified is big and it’s something I have been trying to figure out if it is a problem for about 3 months, but no one could answer my questions. It needs to be fixed by the end of the month and I don’t know if it can. Part of the problem is that I obviously wasn’t asking the right questions – hindsight is a wonderful that way. But why did she not notice this before. This problem existed 3 months ago. It’s her file, not mine. Why did she not clue into this earlier? Why wait until now to identify it? Perhaps she also was asking the wrong questions. Regardless, I have to deal with it (and her) now and of course, she is travelling again shortly so I know on Monday she will be at my desk asking me what is going on. I know – 30 seconds to send an email, but I just needed to leave on Friday. So Monday morning I will take 30 seconds and send an email saying I’ll let her know when I have a fix. Now I wish I could figure out how to fix my feelings regarding her. Part of the problem was I refused to look at this rquest (yes – passive aggressiveness at its finest) because of my feelings of her. If someone else had asked, then I would have been all over it right away. So obviously I need to work on this. I just don’t know how.
Of course, it didn’t help Tuesday late morning my headache returned and at 4 am on Wednesday I let my manager know that I would not be in. In the afternoon I realized it was a migraine, but by that time it was lessening. It sucks that I worked so well under the pressure crunches, but the effects of that are now starting to show. I feel like I am so far behind and so many of my side projects have suffered. I really just want one day at work where I can be left alone and I can work on one of my side projects. If I had a day, I swear it would be 90% done. At least to the point that we can present it and work on the other aspects in as time arises. In fact, with a day, I might actually have it all done. We are that close. I asked the team if we could have a meeting so we can talk about where we are at, because I think we really are that close but none of us realize it yet.
The other thing going through my head is that spring is coming – well, technically it is here, but of course the snow I shoveled yesterday and today contradict that fact. So I am getting antsy. I haven’t been hanging with friends because I have needed the time to re-energize myself. Now I want to get out there and catching up with my friends and laugh and connect. Part of me is holding back because I am not fully re-energized. I slept for about 10 hours last night and I am exhausted already. I could take a nap. And I feel like a headache is just hiding. But I am starting to have all this energy again. Except it doesn’t last. So I know I am not ready to throw myself out and do a ton of stuff, but I want to do something. I miss my friends. K is back at work so we have been talking more and taking breaks, but even that is not like we used to. Two of my friends at work are now off on mat leave. Another friend is pregnant. Another couple friends are in new relationships. I am so happy for them. I wish I could spend more time with them as I want to hear all about their news. Sadly I feel like I have nothing to contribute. There is nothing really going on in my life. It honestly has been so much about work and trying to re-energize. I have started thinking about d&d again – which is good. I honestly couldn’t even contemplate a game until this past week. I want to get more active – I’m just so tired. It’s like my mind and my body are arguing constantly about what I should do. Let’s do rock band – nope, instant headache. Let’s watch TV – nope, bored now. Let’s play on the computer – and do what? Let’s go for a walk – nope nap time. I’m hungry – oooh, let’s have chips or an apple or both – nope, too nauseous now. My head feels like it is running hot, but I don’t have a fever. I have this pent up energy to do something/anything, but I want a nap first.
Ahhh – the tides of spring. A little later than normal – probably because of the stress of work, but it is there. The desire to reinvent, to do, to be. The reality of exhaustion, bad weather, illness. This duality drives me nuts. I obviously need some time with friends. So I guess I should send out some emails and see when people have time. Maybe that will help energize me more.
posted by Taryn at 4:56 pm
1 comments
