'Oh, I can tell you're up to something. Please let me in on it, I haven't been this bored since I believed in Jesus.' - Georgina Sparks

I thought this related well to my mood this evening. I was doing really well, having a great day with a friend and her daughter, shopping and talking. Then my brain started showing that lack of sleep of the last week. And if you are going to screw up saying what you are thinking several times in a row, then it should be with a really good friend who knows you well enough to look you in the eye and say “What?!?” I am blaming the amusing child running around my house for distracting my brain. That and the lack of sleep. Then when they left, instead of being smart of going to bed or doing something non-brain related like watching tv or taking a bath, I go on the computer and let my mind wander while listening to my ‘sexy’ playlist. Now my brain is both horny and exhausted. So many thoughts going through my head and I am tired and bored and wanting to do something crazy. This seems to be my theme lately, except please don’t think I am doing any of this with pre-meditated intent. I have observed that part of my problem seems to be letting people’s perceptions/expectations of me color my behavior. So lately I have been going with the flow/energy of things. This has led to interesting discussions and events. This has also led to some interesting reactions.

And I want to discuss these reactions with people, but I am finding it impossible to get what my brain is thinking to come out my mouth legibly. So I drop little bits, which seem out of the blue. For example, at a recent party, I was talking with a couple friends and what comes out of my mouth is “I want to get really drunk and get with two men.” There was a pause. And then we got into a whole discussion of threesomes and such. Missing was the context that was going through my brain. I don’t drink. I don’t need to. I think I can be quite fun without adding alcohol and in a later conversation, most people agreed, though a couple paused and said that could be interesting.

But my point is – I am bored right now. In my life. I want to shake things up. I don’t want to be stupid or careless or such. I just want some more good life experiences.

And I keep hearing comments that make me wonder on the intention behind them. Like one of D’s ex-co-workers at last night’s party saying “I wanted to come early because I thought you would be gone by 8.” What?!? I know there is a bit of difference between their ages, but really?!? We are not exactly the type of people who leave early. Heck, I have been working on leaving earlier, because I am thinking people are sick of me being one of the last people at the party. But there are so many good conversations that happen in the wee hours. So many questions asked and answered that a few hours earlier would have been ignored or thought horribly intrusive. I like these kinds of conversations. I miss these conversations. I want more of these conversations.

So many thoughts going through my head - how to get what is in my head into action. How to get my nerve up to ask/do some of these things. Curiosity is both a curse and a gift. I have it in spades.

I also have exhaustion and I should probably stop myself from writing anymore. It is not good to have these deep conversations with yourself while connected to a computer.

Anyway, my resolutions this year include going more with the flow/energy of things, exploring more options, continuing my journey to a healthier, happier me, and allowing my curiosity out to play more.

In the meantime, I have to get my PVR down – OMG – the expander is full, the regular drive is at 33%. I have Season 3 of wizards of waverly place to watch and the 100 sexiest videos. That should bring it back down to 22%. Then I have tons of movies and part of me just wants to hunker down and watch movies all day and night. That part conflicts with the part of me that wants to get involved and play. I have been watching some of my older movies and there are some interesting ones, such as This Movie is Broken. About halfway through I decided it really was a concert video that someone decided to add a subplot too. Good concert – don’t get me wrong; it just seemed like the plot about a guy and girl hooking up was an afterthought. They have sex, go to a concert, then she takes off, and he searches everywhere for her (I stopped when he was searching for her, but then started watching the last half a couple days later where we see), but winds up staying at the concert with his best friend. And then suddenly in the second half it was quite engrossing as the hot guy and his best male friend get drunk and decided to make out. Ho-ot! However, the ending confused me. She shows back up and the best friend is passed out naked in the guy’s bed, the girl and guy get into bed and watched a video of the last song of the concert the guy videotaped on his phone. Then girl goes off to Paris and sends him a dvd that shows her feelings for him – which I really didn’t understand from the video they played at the end. Odd. I kinda hope he and his best friend become a couple and if not, hey if they need a girl to join, I am available. Teehee..

Anyway, let’s take this tired brain of mine and starting moving towards to bed. For sleep… yes, that is what I am talking about, need sleep. Teehee…