2016: Memory Lane

It should be called the year that depressed us all. The events that happened all over the world with bombings and Aleppo, refugees feeling unwelcome and those that drowned trying to escape their horrors, celebrity after celebrity right up to the final days of the year passing away and taking pieces of my heart with them, friends burning out, getting sick, or having loved ones die, so many things.

There were happy moments – we were accepted as suitable parents for a new cat and she is wonderful, seeing my nieces and nephew throughout the year and watching them grow and learn, catching up with a few friends here and there and reminding myself that I do have people who care in my life, being talent managed at work because they think I can do more.

Musically for me – this was a tough year. Bowie, Prince, Michael, and Cohen – early on, these four had huge effects in my life and affected my musical tastes. Mom was all about Bowie and dad all about Cohen and George Michael and Prince we all enjoyed. I have albums of all four that I have listened to over and over and memorized the words. There was something about all four reinventing their lives more than once that stuck with me. Listening to the words of their songs - while sometimes it was just about enjoyment, other times it was the deeper meaning, emotion, truth that resonated.

Add in the deaths of so many actors that I watched and admired as they made us laugh and cry and each stood up for something that they were passionate about. I remember having brown earmuffs and pretending to be Princess Leia and in September, we attended her panel at the comic expo and shared stories with vendors who she visited. Alan Rickman playing so many characters that you hated and then admired and grew to love. Gene Wilder and Alan Thicke who made us laugh and think.

I know there were a lot of people who were dismayed at how shocked and affected people were by these celebrity deaths. Maybe these weren’t the people who helped shape who you are today. Maybe you didn’t connect with them on the same level as others. There is no reason to not be respectful about other’s feelings no matter whether you understand them or not. Maybe instead of being hate-mongering jerks, you could ask and listen and try to hear why people are upset. Maybe you would understand the impact they made of different people’s lives. You don’t have to feel the same as other people to understand what they are feeling. You just have to try.

Then you add in the American presidential election and things get worse. The horrible politics and meanness. The utter shock that people could be so ignorant to vote for someone who is a bigot, a criminal, really just a horrible human being. The manic drive up to the election, the shocking defeat and all the allegations prior, during, and after. I am just truly horrified by what is happening in the states. Add in the riots, the killings, the bombings. Politics in Canada are bad enough with the tabloid handling of the Prime Minister and the ministers who are showing as bad judgement as the previous reign. Does no one pay attention or learn from the past? I had to shut off the tv so many times this year due to all of the negativity and shite storm that was happening. I don’t want to be ignorant, but I also can’t believe/accept the way people are behaving sometimes. I want to focus on the happy moments, but it is hard when you are surrounded by negativity and chaos.

Work has continued to be frustrating. While we are definitely not as run off our feet as we were in 2015, the uncertainty, the verbal changes not supported in writing, the lack of time to recharge has continued to plague my unit. I have been pulled aside and am being talent managed to a new position, which is wonderful, but what it has shown me is that my team does not have the skills to fill in my absence. And while I try not to let that affect my decision, let’s be honest – it does. I’ve been in this field for nine years in various positions with this specific unit for about five years. The changes that have happened are vast and there has definitely been a push to do more with less – less people, less written information, fewer resources, less competent leadership, less time. We lost so many people to burnout this year and then many who moved on to new units and fields. Our own small team is down to 4.5 people not including my boss. We serve a client base of about 40, of whom the majority are very new with little experience. Being me, I don’t want to let them down and I want them to learn. Add in a unit of nine who now assist those 40 clients in a different, but not separate way and there is confusion, conflict, and exhaustion.

I think that has been my most common statement in 2016 – I am mentally exhausted. I can’t figure out how to fill up my cup anymore. I truly feel at a loss. Few people guess it or if they do, they don’t mention it. I still do my work and smile. My sarcasm is a bit more cutting and my laugh has a bit more hysteria in it. My desire to hermit has conflicted with my need to see friends so often, which adds to the exhaustion. I want to see my friends. I want to hang out. I want to take a few minutes to respond to emails. It feels like it takes me so long to do things and think things through.

Loneliness has continued to plague me this year and both a friend and I totally agree that we wish there was someone who lived close to us that we could hang out like we used to in high school and university. Back then, it was nothing to just hang out at the last minute, to talk or not talk, to watch tv or listen to music, to go out or not. Unfortunately, my friend is unwilling to move back to Edmonton at this time and I am unwilling to move to Vancouver.

So to sum up, 2016 was a tough year – just like the previous year. There were ups and there were lows. I still need something to change though. So I am hopeful 2017 will be better. To everyone, I wish a life full of acceptance and love. To all my friends, I am grateful for your friendship so much and I wish you a future full of promise and opportunity. Here’s to a new year full of fun, friends, laughter, cuddle piles, intimate connections, opportunities for what the heart desires, good health, adventure, and of course, love.