2018: Memory Lane

What a year of ups and downs and changes and yet… so much seems the same.

I continue to struggle – how is it that I felt so organized and on top of things just a few short years ago and yet now, I feel like I can’t stay on top of basic tasks. I like to think I have lessened my need for perfectionism, but sheesh, can I feel like I am on top of something?

It’s not all bad – please don’t think that. There are so many good things that happened:

Work: I not only got an assignment with a new department, but was just accepted there permanently. I got the letter the day after I won basically the ‘employee of the month’ award. So I do not have to go back to a unit that is crumbling. In fact, there are only one or two people left in that unit from when I left. There are many people who believe the unit will be removed completely. So yay!

Also, this department is completely different. It’s smaller, but I feel like they actually appreciate their employees and you can see that in the engagement of the staff and management. I am enjoying the work and the people I work with. We won placement in the Christmas decorating contest for our unit. I am learning so much new stuff.

Home: We took a bit of a break from most renos this year. We finished the inside of the shed, got some proper storage for the garage, got eaves trough for the shed and garage, and then redid the front stone walkway. Significantly less work and costs than the previous year.

Hobbies: I have taken up crochet. And I am enjoying it. I have made coasters, small toys, larger toys, and slippers. I’m sure my friends and family will get tired of me doing this, but honestly, I’m enjoying it. It all started with the weekly crochet lunch and learn and continues with hopefully more sessions of crocheting with friends outside of work.

The not so good things:
Work: There is stress and I still have moments where I feel like I am just not smart. I have one project that should have been done months ago but because it keeps getting pushed to the back burner, it lingers on. I’m really hoping to finish it soon. Just to get it off my desk and to do list.

Remember your personal demons should be afraid of you, because you are their home, their food, and as you heal, their executioner. – Laurell K Hamilton

Depression: It lingers. It says nasty things to me that just tear me down. I had placed a lot of hope on changing jobs would lead to less stress, which would lead to more time to exercise and get healthier, including losing weight. The stress did go down and I am moving more that I was before I changed departments, but the depression has been there… keeping me eating when I’m not hungry. Add in physical ailments, which could be depression related or not, and I’m just not where I want to be and I have been hermitting more that I should. Add in too much political unrest and uncertainty, a continuing denial of climate change in an ever heating world, and far too many ‘fake’ news sites – goodness, how are we not supposed to be depressed?

We are now facing not just a technological crisis but a philosophical crisis. – Yuval Noah Harari

Ailments: Sheesh – these ‘hormone’ headaches are still kicking my butt. I had one month where I got a massage just before the headache would start and never had a headache. Oh the relief! So huge! And what’s up with my knees – I mean seriously… between slipping on ice and landing on them, falling arches leading to aching knees, and just overall, old person knee feelings. Sheesh – how am I supposed to exercise if I am suffering from knee pain and/or headaches?!?

My dad got a pacemaker to help his heart, which would be fine except it’s not perfected yet. And that was a scare I really didn’t need and it just makes me think about what is going to happen if one of my parents die. I need to spend some time with my mom to see what she is thinking. I know she is struggling and it scared her more than she is admitting.

My belief is that communication is the best way to create strong relationships – Jada Pinkett-Smitt

Relationship-wise – things are as they are. There have been ups and downs and dealing with repercussions of events from last year. It’s amazing how much I try to trust and the universe seems determined to test me. There is more work to do to get things to be fully healthy, but no one is giving up, everyone is communicating, and that’s important.

Being a hermit and depression and physical pain though is keeping from my friends. I don’t get to travel as much so I can’t see some of my friends in person now. I am on the computer at work so much I hate being on it at home. Though I’m sure the fact that a couple weeks after I clean my office, it is a mess again also discourages me from being on the computer. Right now it’s nicely clean. I do miss my friends and I want to spend more time with them. There were a number of new games obtained this Christmas season, so I’m hoping that will lead to more games nights and such.

So the year has been less tough that the previous year and things are getting better. I’m hopeful as ever that the new year will be better. So to everyone, I wish a life full of live, acceptance, and opportunity. To my friends, I am as always ever grateful for your friendship. Here’s to a year of fun, laughter, wonder, cuddle piles, warm long hugs, deep connections, opportunities, good health, adventure, and love.