If knowledge was all it took, I would be a size 4.

That was my response to The Hat during a conversation recently and it stuck with me. The Hat and I had a great chat even if it was born from sadness. It’s been a tough year for him and when he reached out, I responded because goodness, we have known each other twenty years now. How crazy is that. Our friendship has gone through phases, like life does, but it’s been an interesting friendship. His tough year has led him to question where he is at in his life. Of course, that just leads to me thinking again. Though – really – do I need a reason to contemplate, dwell, ruminate, reflect, think deep thoughts? Teehee.

Add in the background to my comment – In November, I was elated – I had finally broke that darn five pound barrier and entered a lower tens digit in my weight. Whoohoo! Reason to celebrate, right? Except by Christmas, I had put on enough weight to go up to the higher tens digit. And I have fought my body since then trying to at least get back to where I hovered most of last year. Today, the scale brought me back to that spot. While nothing to cheer about, at least I am out of that higher bracket. It was starting to feel that my body was never going to get lighter no matter how much I exercised or ate healthy or what.

Of course, my eating has not been perfect. Usually near the end of winter I am struggling to find the energy/motivation to cook. This year seemed to hit harder than previously. And it has stayed around longer. I am just so sick of being the sole person who cooks. I am tired of coming up with the menu and doing the grocery list. There is a part of me that wants to try new recipes and foods, but like the rest of my life, that part seems to get overridden by utter laziness, procrastination, and sheer boredom. And even though I know better I reach out to fast food at late hours. And even lunches lately – I am just sick of the leftovers I have and I haven’t been cooking enough recipes that have leftovers, so when I do have leftovers, it is sooooo repetitive.

Which brings me to my response – I have the knowledge. What I am missing is that spark that kicks my ass and keeps my motivation going.

Now I have my Fitbit and I love my Fitbit. I signed up for Beachbody on Demand and am enjoying the options. I am trying to get out at least for the morning coffee break with the folks at work for the 15 minute walk. I am trying to manage my stress (not so good on that) and get more sleep (so-so). I am increasing my steps and trying to grab things like fruit, yogurt, or a bowl of cereal for evening snacks. I’ve been eating less of the side stuff that I bring to work. And yet… the struggle is there. The frustration is there.

My friend S said that it all came together for her when she resolved some mental/emotional issues she had. I am pretty sure that is where I am at. I know there are things in my head that I have to deal with. It would help if people didn’t just keep telling me to learn to let things go. That’s as good advice as saying lose weight. Goodness, if it was that easy, wouldn’t we all be our ideal sizes?!?

That is what my boss put in my evaluation for last year – I need to let go and then she listed a whole bunch of things that I would have to give up – tasks that I am good at, that I enjoy, that bring me a change and joy. I know it is weird to people, but I like making a really good excel spreadsheet. I like showing people new things and watching them get excited when they learn something new or finally get something. I get that the boss has to balance what everyone is interested in with operational needs. I get I need to share my many years of knowledge. I need people to be interested. I need time to teach them. I also think though that if people are not doing very well at the basic job, then they should not be rewarded. Most of my team has been involved in a project in our unit. The boss has kept me out so I can work on the basic operational things and do a bunch of analysis and reports. I am enjoying this immensely and I have the skills and work ethic to get this done without much oversight from her. Even though I could do what the others are doing and probably do it faster (that’s why my colleagues say ‘that’s how long it takes in your time, what about real time?’). One colleague has been away on sick leave and is coming back to work slowly (super slowly) and now the boss is trying to give her all the fun stuff I have been doing because ‘that’s what she is interested in doing’. This colleague is very slow in her work and she hasn’t had the greatest attitude at work for a couple years now. And she gets rewarded with the work I was enjoying?

The only reward to doing a good job is more work. That seems to be the attitude at work. If you do a good job, have a good work ethic, and have initiative, then congratulations! You get more work dumped on your desk and it’s not the fun stuff. The people who are not doing a good job and have a bad attitude – they get take on the new projects and do the fun stuff – because just maybe that will change their attitude. Gosh forbid they have to learn to the job properly and regardless of whether they enjoy it. For goodness sake, for more than a year it has been suggested they move on to another department, but neither seems to be putting in much effort. It’s like someone else has to do all that work for them too.

Now I know – I have no idea what is going on in their lives. It’s not like they are sharing with anyone to help us understand. And they don’t have too. But don’t expect my sympathy or understanding if I am kept in the dark. And don’t expect me to do my job and yours because you are too… whatever to do it. If you need sick time (mental or physical), then take it (we have benefits). If you don’t love your job, then go to a different job or put on your big girl’s panties and do the job you have to an adequate level.

I think I mentioned before that as well as letting go of fun tasks, my boss has also said I need to understand that if someone else does it, they may not do as good of a job. I get that – they are still learning. But then she says and the standard of quality will lower. What the—why? It’s one thing that the quality will suffer as they learn, but to lower the standard of quality of our products? Why would we allow that? I’m told that I make it hard to argue for more resources, because I just get things done. Wait – now I’m in trouble for doing a good job? For caring about our clients? For doing the best job I can? Would someone please explain this all to me…I don’t get this thinking and explains a lot of the stereotypes we get called. It doesn’t matter how good a job I do, if there are so many more not doing a good job and getting away with it.

All this has done is encourage me to start looking harder. Mind you, I am kept busy enough that doing proactive things is hard to do. Goodness, my emails and desk look so disorganized. I haven’t had the time I need to clean or file or organize. And of course, that gets left to last. There are so many things I want to do, but it seems every other day there is something more important, of a higher priority, or is a crisis that takes my time.

So what happens is I give my all at work and then come home exhausted and the motivation to exercise and cook goes out the window. Or I stick to the same things over and over which kill any motivation I may try to have. I feel like my house is a mess and I can’t keep up. Spring has sprung and I feel already behind in prepping the garden. And I feel like it is mostly left on my shoulders to do the work, to make the decisions, to keep everything running at home. My emails are behind at home too. All I want to do is sit down, pick up the tablet and just do mindless things. I am behind in reading my magazines and books. I have various tasks a part of me wants to do, but who has the energy to do it.

Maybe it’s me who needs to take some mental health sick time. I’m trying to see friends and hang out with people at work. I am trying to get sleep and do things to the best that I can for that day. I just don’t know what is so different now. Why am I so tired now? Why can’t I keep up? Why does it feel like I am falling behind daily? Goodness knows I eat better now than I used to. I say it must be the less sex, more stress, less quality sleep, more electronics, and just the sheer volume of information that comes at us each day.

Anyway, I just wanted to get some of those thoughts down. I know some are repeats and that’s because I haven’t figured them out yet. I just keep thinking and pondering and I will get there eventually. Now – back to trying to clean some emails out.