Sunday, December 31, 2017

2017: Memory Lane


What is about our lives that make it seems like things are getting harder? Why does it seems there is rarely anytime to get things done? Why does it seem harder to do things now than it did before? And basic things like keeping a clean house, being organized, and having a life. 2017 was a tough year. It’s amazing that at so many points things were getting better in one aspect and in another they were sliding into chaos.

Good points: The shed is built and lots of skills were learned and the neighbor is a total rock star. The car and roof have been paid off and no additional debt was incurred due to the shed (since it expanded into the garage as well), and there is a plan to pay off the current debt. Every day my cat makes me laugh and fills me with love. I have made more time for friends, though more time would be even better. We have new ‘nieces’ through friends and watching all the kids grow and develop is such a fascinating wonder. I got to hang out with (new and close) friends at a girls’ retreat. I made some work into figuring out what I wanted from work and life.

The shite-storm: The shed ended up becoming a half year project that involved the garage (siding, re-roofing, new fascia and trim), concrete (who builds a cement pad with a zigzag edge?), and then building the shed. Our October holidays saw both D and I sick and working 6-8 hours a day to finish all the work because we were out of time. Seeing my seventy-plus neighbor have more energy than either me or D was humbling.

Work continues to be stressful and frustrating. I’m trying to not take the negativity in, to just focus on my work and do what I need to do. But it’s been tough – turned down for several jobs this year because I just can’t quite meet what they want – each follow up meeting an exercise in trying to decipher what exactly I was missing. There have been a few moments where I have had time to clean up things, but not enough. My inbox is still huge. Our team is still tiny and our clients are even newer than last year. My biggest complaint in our unit is that we need a direct manager. Our manager was promoted, but still is supposed to manage the team and she is not doing a good job at that. I try to help her out, but I have no power to make decisions or implement changes.

Depression has been kicking me arse more than normal. I have been in my head too much this year, but to be fair, life hasn’t been exactly a better place to be. Honestly, it feels like just when things are getting better, something has to go awry. I have been so tired, mentally and emotionally drained, giving so much to work and having little for home. My weight has been steady in pissing me off barely moving, despite what I do. I’m just tired of feeling like I am fighting myself. I am trying to be positive and focus on being the person I want to be, but gosh, it feels like the obstacles are so large. Pat of me just wants to be selfish and only consider how my actions will affect me or at best, me and my loved ones, but no, that is just not my head – it needs to consider the ripple effect. Why do I need to focus on how something affects someone, when no one else seems to? Why do I need to look at all the possible outcomes? Like I said, I am in my head too much right now.


The relationship with D has been bumpy this year, which is probably an understatement, but I’m not the queen of de-nial for no reason. There were some really good connecting moments, which were followed by what the… moments. Still we continue to work together on building this relationship.

Ndie’s mom passed away and he was diagnosed with diabetes, which led to an incident on New Year’s Eve where he was rushed from our house to the hospital. Mom had a problem with a torn retina which left her with vision problems for months. Dad’s second knee replacement did not go as well and took longer to heal.

So yes – it’s been a tough year – again. I am hopeful 2018 will be better. To everyone, I wish a life full of love and acceptance (both from others and internally). To my friends, I am ever grateful for your friendship. Here’s to a year of fun, laughter, wonder, cuddle piles, connections, opportunities, good health, adventure, and love.

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