2013: Memory Lane
Following my tradition, it is that time of year to review the last year and ponder all that has occurred – the highs, the lows, and all the rest.
What a year! It has been such a year of chaos and stress and so much internal discussion that I honestly can barely remember some days what happened. It’s not that we weren’t busy; in fact, there were times when I so wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide way because it felt like we were so busy.
It’s been a year getting to know myself more, getting to see different aspects of D, spending some very special time with friends, and just dealing – both well and poorly – with my life.
Me. It’s been very much a year about me. Me figuring out what I want, who I am, who I present myself as, how I cope, how I relax, how poorly I treat myself. Trust has been huge for me. I am finding it still very hard to fully trust people and I find myself pulling away from those who I don’t fully trust. Unfortunately, this has meant I have trust issues with people who have been good friends in the past; people who I used to share a deep connection with. And part of me hates this – I want to be there for these friends as I have always been. I want that connection back. Without asking for things I don’t have the right to ask, I don’t know if it will ever happen again. For that I mourn.
I finally broke down and did a photo shoot this year with a wonderful photographer, who has become a good friend. I actually opened up to her about what was going on and it felt so good, especially because she understood and helped me understand. She has such a positive energy about her that you can’t help but want to stand hear her. And she shares that positive energy with others; there is warmth to her that people are drawn to. The original shoot was for June and then got postponed to September and finally October. I got to see some of the photos just before Christmas. Wow. She says that she wants to show people how others see them. They are amazing. I don’t think I have ever thought people saw me the way the pictures show. There is a beauty there that I don’t think I have ever noticed in myself. It was interesting because I was utterly terrified in June, but by October, I was pretty much calm and feeling confident until the night before. But between her and the makeup artist, you are treated so well and so special that the day just turns out to be one of the most wonderful you will ever have. An experience I think everyone should have.
We started trying to work out renovations and contractors early in the year and it was so tough getting people to agree to come out, to give us a quote, to be willing to do what to us was a big job. They officially started in July, but the packing started earlier and then they didn’t finish until November for the most part. Technically this Tuesday, the contractor comes to finalize the one thing outstanding from the last inspection. Once that is completed, I get to finally bring out the ornaments and the special things that mean lots of us. So my hope of finishing the renovation completely by Christmas didn’t happen. But it was done enough so I had a small gathering for my birthday and we celebrated Christmas Eve with friends in the basement. I have had a few friends over and the basement just invites you to sit down there and relax. It is definitely warm and dry now. But having a renovation that was estimated for 4-5 weeks take six months to complete is very stressful. Having a renovation that went over budget by a large percentage is very stressful. It’s not that they are horrible people, but it is knowing people are in your house. It’s coming home and having people still working there. It’s having to step over fences to protect the animal. It’s having to keep things in a certain order to keep your privacy, your stuff safe, your house ‘liveable’. It’s not being able to find things because nothing is where it is supposed to be. It’s trying to be proactive, but still having to make decisions with little time to do research, think, or work things out.
Add in lots of travel for both D and I, not together of course, for both work (mostly me) and pleasure (mostly D) and stressful jobs, and it could have been a recipe for disaster. Instead, it was just a constant struggle for me to keep calm, to find time to recharge, to survive, to not delving into depression and pounds of junk food. I was without my hobbies for the length of the renovation and I like to exercise as soon as I get home from work, which with people in my house just didn’t happen. It was trying to eat at home and cook when that was the last thing I had energy to do. They haven’t been in the house since November and I have been able to unpack things and get my hobbies out and it’s amazing how much of a difference that has made. My last two massages last year resulted in horrible reactions – severe headaches for days afterwards because I was just that tense and stressed. I had my first one yesterday and even my masseuse could feel the difference and no reaction at all. It helped that I took up a new hobby, knitting, in November because I NEEDED something. But now that I have space back in my house, that I can see my hobbies and start planning to start them again. Soon I will bring down my ornaments and start decorating the basement. Honestly, just the thought of my house being back to ‘normal’ and not filled with boxes – I can sense what a difference this in making in me – physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am looking forward to this year. And I can honestly say the last year was one of my toughest so far. It was a really hard year. But I survived and I think my relationships are stronger and even though there is so much more work coming, I feel more optimistic.
My true friends are fabulous and I have really tried focussing on them this year, in between trying to keep myself sane. My friend S stayed with me and then I stayed with her in her new house in BC. We haven’t seen each other in years, but we kept in touch and our friendship didn’t lessen at all. I have seen N and M so many times this year and they are wonderful, supportive people. It’s interesting how different they are, but I have things in common with both. And I am so glad they have each other – you can really see the love in their eyes. We have had lots of dance parties with M and W, such fun and open people. And dance and rock band nights with R and C – so fun and freeing and accepting; there for us and so dear. Getting to know J and E has been wonderful – I am so glad they have come into our lives and I look forward to more wonderful dinners and plays and games. Ndie has been a constant this year and though there are things not said, his friendship does mean so much. J and S have been more in our lives which I am glad for – I have missed them. I am glad I got to spend so much time with S* and I hope we get time to spend more time together in the future. As I mentioned, her positivity and warmth just draw you in. K has continued to be my fave coworker for a reason and I am so glad we are still friends and B is a wonderful, funny person, even if he is a Gemini manager. Sighhhh… teehee. And of course, L and P. When life took a horrible turn, both were totally there for us and it meant so much that we brought in 2013 with them and have had several nights of talking, gaming, and hanging out. L and I have been friends the longest of all my current friends and we have gone through so much together and in the end, we have always been there for each other. There are others – please so think I have forgotten about you. I don’t know if any of my friends really know how much I appreciate them and I don’t know if I can ever express it well enough, but please know, you mean so much to me, you hold space in my heart and just the thought of you sometimes is what I need to take the next breath.
So you may be asking what happened with those who caused the great drama of 2012. After the ignoring by them and friends at a party in April and the quick avoidance at the mall, we never really ran into them until December at a party we attended at a friend’s house. While there are some questions about stuff that happened, in reality, we still never really dealt with them. Aside from being ignored by several people who were sitting with them when we left, there was no drama this time. Part of it is just that I’m not angry anymore. I don’t think highly of them and I am disappointed in the whole handling of the situation, but as the famous saying says: When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. […] Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. This is what I keep reminding myself. Obviously, they came in for a reason and then left without any wrong doing on my part. While unfortunately there are lingering effects and I have brief moments of emotion when I think of them, my life goes on. Do I wish things had happened different? Yes. Do I wish them ill? No. Life will be what it is. But don’t ask for me for a reference.
Anyway, 2013 has been a rollercoaster year. It has been frustrating, fulfilling, stressful as all heck, and yet filled with moments of pleasure, satisfaction, and happiness. Am I glad it’s over? Oh goodness, yes! Let’s see what 2014 brings.
To everyone, I wish you a life full of acceptance, love, and openness. To all my friends, I thank you for being you and wishes to you for a future full of promise and opportunity. Here’s to a new year full of fun, good times, cuddle piles, intimate conversations, opportunities to live and love, chances for learning, good health, adventure, and of course, great friends – new and old. Love you.
What a year! It has been such a year of chaos and stress and so much internal discussion that I honestly can barely remember some days what happened. It’s not that we weren’t busy; in fact, there were times when I so wanted to pull the covers over my head and hide way because it felt like we were so busy.
It’s been a year getting to know myself more, getting to see different aspects of D, spending some very special time with friends, and just dealing – both well and poorly – with my life.
If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there. – Lewis Carroll
Me. It’s been very much a year about me. Me figuring out what I want, who I am, who I present myself as, how I cope, how I relax, how poorly I treat myself. Trust has been huge for me. I am finding it still very hard to fully trust people and I find myself pulling away from those who I don’t fully trust. Unfortunately, this has meant I have trust issues with people who have been good friends in the past; people who I used to share a deep connection with. And part of me hates this – I want to be there for these friends as I have always been. I want that connection back. Without asking for things I don’t have the right to ask, I don’t know if it will ever happen again. For that I mourn.
I finally broke down and did a photo shoot this year with a wonderful photographer, who has become a good friend. I actually opened up to her about what was going on and it felt so good, especially because she understood and helped me understand. She has such a positive energy about her that you can’t help but want to stand hear her. And she shares that positive energy with others; there is warmth to her that people are drawn to. The original shoot was for June and then got postponed to September and finally October. I got to see some of the photos just before Christmas. Wow. She says that she wants to show people how others see them. They are amazing. I don’t think I have ever thought people saw me the way the pictures show. There is a beauty there that I don’t think I have ever noticed in myself. It was interesting because I was utterly terrified in June, but by October, I was pretty much calm and feeling confident until the night before. But between her and the makeup artist, you are treated so well and so special that the day just turns out to be one of the most wonderful you will ever have. An experience I think everyone should have.
You are terrifying and strange and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love.
We started trying to work out renovations and contractors early in the year and it was so tough getting people to agree to come out, to give us a quote, to be willing to do what to us was a big job. They officially started in July, but the packing started earlier and then they didn’t finish until November for the most part. Technically this Tuesday, the contractor comes to finalize the one thing outstanding from the last inspection. Once that is completed, I get to finally bring out the ornaments and the special things that mean lots of us. So my hope of finishing the renovation completely by Christmas didn’t happen. But it was done enough so I had a small gathering for my birthday and we celebrated Christmas Eve with friends in the basement. I have had a few friends over and the basement just invites you to sit down there and relax. It is definitely warm and dry now. But having a renovation that was estimated for 4-5 weeks take six months to complete is very stressful. Having a renovation that went over budget by a large percentage is very stressful. It’s not that they are horrible people, but it is knowing people are in your house. It’s coming home and having people still working there. It’s having to step over fences to protect the animal. It’s having to keep things in a certain order to keep your privacy, your stuff safe, your house ‘liveable’. It’s not being able to find things because nothing is where it is supposed to be. It’s trying to be proactive, but still having to make decisions with little time to do research, think, or work things out.
Add in lots of travel for both D and I, not together of course, for both work (mostly me) and pleasure (mostly D) and stressful jobs, and it could have been a recipe for disaster. Instead, it was just a constant struggle for me to keep calm, to find time to recharge, to survive, to not delving into depression and pounds of junk food. I was without my hobbies for the length of the renovation and I like to exercise as soon as I get home from work, which with people in my house just didn’t happen. It was trying to eat at home and cook when that was the last thing I had energy to do. They haven’t been in the house since November and I have been able to unpack things and get my hobbies out and it’s amazing how much of a difference that has made. My last two massages last year resulted in horrible reactions – severe headaches for days afterwards because I was just that tense and stressed. I had my first one yesterday and even my masseuse could feel the difference and no reaction at all. It helped that I took up a new hobby, knitting, in November because I NEEDED something. But now that I have space back in my house, that I can see my hobbies and start planning to start them again. Soon I will bring down my ornaments and start decorating the basement. Honestly, just the thought of my house being back to ‘normal’ and not filled with boxes – I can sense what a difference this in making in me – physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am looking forward to this year. And I can honestly say the last year was one of my toughest so far. It was a really hard year. But I survived and I think my relationships are stronger and even though there is so much more work coming, I feel more optimistic.
Friendship is a sheltering tree. – Samuel Taylor Coleridge
My true friends are fabulous and I have really tried focussing on them this year, in between trying to keep myself sane. My friend S stayed with me and then I stayed with her in her new house in BC. We haven’t seen each other in years, but we kept in touch and our friendship didn’t lessen at all. I have seen N and M so many times this year and they are wonderful, supportive people. It’s interesting how different they are, but I have things in common with both. And I am so glad they have each other – you can really see the love in their eyes. We have had lots of dance parties with M and W, such fun and open people. And dance and rock band nights with R and C – so fun and freeing and accepting; there for us and so dear. Getting to know J and E has been wonderful – I am so glad they have come into our lives and I look forward to more wonderful dinners and plays and games. Ndie has been a constant this year and though there are things not said, his friendship does mean so much. J and S have been more in our lives which I am glad for – I have missed them. I am glad I got to spend so much time with S* and I hope we get time to spend more time together in the future. As I mentioned, her positivity and warmth just draw you in. K has continued to be my fave coworker for a reason and I am so glad we are still friends and B is a wonderful, funny person, even if he is a Gemini manager. Sighhhh… teehee. And of course, L and P. When life took a horrible turn, both were totally there for us and it meant so much that we brought in 2013 with them and have had several nights of talking, gaming, and hanging out. L and I have been friends the longest of all my current friends and we have gone through so much together and in the end, we have always been there for each other. There are others – please so think I have forgotten about you. I don’t know if any of my friends really know how much I appreciate them and I don’t know if I can ever express it well enough, but please know, you mean so much to me, you hold space in my heart and just the thought of you sometimes is what I need to take the next breath.
Like fragile ice, anger passes away in time.
So you may be asking what happened with those who caused the great drama of 2012. After the ignoring by them and friends at a party in April and the quick avoidance at the mall, we never really ran into them until December at a party we attended at a friend’s house. While there are some questions about stuff that happened, in reality, we still never really dealt with them. Aside from being ignored by several people who were sitting with them when we left, there was no drama this time. Part of it is just that I’m not angry anymore. I don’t think highly of them and I am disappointed in the whole handling of the situation, but as the famous saying says: When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. […] Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. This is what I keep reminding myself. Obviously, they came in for a reason and then left without any wrong doing on my part. While unfortunately there are lingering effects and I have brief moments of emotion when I think of them, my life goes on. Do I wish things had happened different? Yes. Do I wish them ill? No. Life will be what it is. But don’t ask for me for a reference.
Sometimes removing some people from your life makes room for better people.
Anyway, 2013 has been a rollercoaster year. It has been frustrating, fulfilling, stressful as all heck, and yet filled with moments of pleasure, satisfaction, and happiness. Am I glad it’s over? Oh goodness, yes! Let’s see what 2014 brings.
To everyone, I wish you a life full of acceptance, love, and openness. To all my friends, I thank you for being you and wishes to you for a future full of promise and opportunity. Here’s to a new year full of fun, good times, cuddle piles, intimate conversations, opportunities to live and love, chances for learning, good health, adventure, and of course, great friends – new and old. Love you.
Labels: life, quote of the day
posted by Taryn at 5:33 pm
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