Some people find fault like there’s a reward for it.

Ahhh, Aunty Acid how you make me smile. My head has been full lately of various thoughts. I have been trying to organize it into entries, but instead this may just be verbal diarrhea.

So many people around me are feeling stressed. This is where my empathy sometimes gets the better of me. Today I came to work feeling stressed but I couldn’t think what was causing me stress. Of course, work proved to be a minefield of stress. So many people bowing out of training that it was starting to be hard not to take it personally. I know it’s not, but alas, lasting effects of the doubt of my character. So I am now the lead for one training course; the lead facilitator, but not the official lead for another. Add in the working groups I am on, my regular job and of course, the fact that I am back-up for another section. When am I supposed to have time to take the training I need to take, to take breaks, to clean out emails and my personal drive, etc. So I know there is stress in my life, but I am trying not to let it stress me out, so to speak. I am taking walks, exercising, trying to eat right, and do things that lessen my tension. I have my monthly-ish massages. Unfortunately yoga is done for summer, but I am incorporating the moves into my daily life. I think part of me though is also feeling the stress for my friends. I want to help them and have to bite my tongue after offering to help. I can’t help if they don’t want it and I don’t want to impose.

But I know so much stress is in my life. I am feeling that need to hang out with people, but I am finding that I want to hear all about their lives and it is taking me a few hours before I am starting to talk and open up and by that time, it’s time to go. And then it feels like there is so much do around the house. I was going to go out today and couldn’t come up with anywhere to go. While this is great because it meant I didn’t spend any money, it also meant I spent 4 hours in the sun weeding and then mowing and it feels so unfair when D comes home and gets to just relax all night. I know, I know – I should lower my standards. You should see my house – especially my office. Oh my, I can always tell how stressed how I am by my kitchen and my office. My kitchen has a week’s worth of non-dishwasher safe dishes to wash and my office looks like an explosion. And that 4 hours spent outside, I did only did a 6 square feet section of weeding. There is so much more to do – when will I get my office clean? I know – here I am writing an entry when I could be cleaning. But I am sore. My shoulder is giving me grief from my massage yesterday, my wrist is giving me grief about weeding, and my sciatic – ow! Me feeling whiny!

I have been cleaning other sections of the house and I have actually been quite ruthless lately. Hopefully, it will not rain on Wednesday so I can put out the large pile of stuff from the shed. There’s a lot of cardboard and such and I don’t want to be mean to the garbage/recycling collectors and leave them wet cardboard to lift. Next is to clean the garage, which I already found a bunch of stuff to take to the eco-station. I feel like the office at home is like my emails at work. I will do just about anything to not have to clean it.

It’s funny – last entry I mentioned that the more overwhelmed I feel, the less I reach out. It is so true. When I really should be reaching out, I tend not to. I don’t want to burden others. I don’t want to dwell on things that happened despite the fact that they are still affecting me. I am trying to be positive and I want to focus on that, but goodness, it takes me a bit to find something positive to talk about.

I haven’t had a chance to talk about Calgary’s Comic Expo yet. Oh my, it was so fun. A whirlwind trip again – driving out that morning, spending the day there, and then driving back. It was bit frustrating because we kept running into an ex-friend of ours; add in one of the people they were with ignored us and when I finally saw the other, we shared a friendly smile (though I am sure mine was tempered with sadness that we can no longer be friends). Other than that, we visited our favorite artists, who all remembered us. The guys at Blind Ferret totally accepted our challenge for new merchandise for the Edmonton show (after we bought several items). I had some laughs with Jen from The Devil’s Panties as I stocked up on the latest stuff. Then over to a great long conversation with Paragon Jewelry (seriously, we really should spend more time with these two – I adore them!) and of course, picked up some new art from DPI studios where the artist knew I had picked up stuff before and we talked about what I had and where I hung it. Unfortunately I need one more frame so I can hang the latest works. Then we had a fantastic conversation with two ladies about the expo, life, and the books one of them wrote. We stopped and talked to them at the beginning and then we came back at the end. They were so much to talk with. There were so many others we spoke with and honestly we had quite a bit of fun. The only other not so good thing was that to get to the big panels you had to line up outside; which we found out after walking around the main hall a couple times trying to find the entrance to it because we really needed to sit. So unfortunately, due to that scenario, we did not take in any of the panels and by 5 we were on our way home, several dollars lighter, feet killing us, but in a good mood. Maybe they will fix this issue next year and we can stay a bit longer… I was kind of looking forward to seeing the Improv with Cards of Humanity, but alas with no interesting place to sit for a couple hours until it started, we weren’t staying.

I was so excited this past Monday. On the 17th I planted all my gardens and by this past Monday, I had radishes and peas starting to grow. It was so exciting to see green in the gardens already. And my rainbow swiss chard has survived the heat wave – it was looking a bit dicey for a while, but it seems to have recovered. My two tomato plants are doing well (I didn’t bother planting these from seed this year). It is nice to see the gardens and I can’t wait to enjoy the fruits of my labours.

The latest on d&d – despite our discussion at the start of the year to buckle down and finish the game, we have not played for about two months. As a result, our game master has now decided we will finish the storyline in two games, essentially telling the story without us really doing each scene. I totally get why he is doing this. We haven’t played for almost two months and we can’t play next until the end of June. I do understand why we have not been able to play for some of the games, but others… yeah, not so much. So the question comes what do we do after this? Do we reconsider who we are playing with? Do we just stop? People are at different points in their lives and have different priorities. I get that; I am just frustrated. I have been trying to figure things out in my head on what my character would do next and I had a plan. I guess I will just let the game master know and he can work it into the story.

I bought Just the Hits 2014 – oh my. I absolutely love the first four songs and the next five are great. Song number ten was the first one I didn’t recognize it and the next two were not really known by me either, but the rest are all enjoyed. I totally recommend this album.

I have been really feeling the urge to get out and dance today. I sing along with my computer as well as in my head while I was weeding, so the need to sing has been satisfied. But I am feeling the need to move. Unfortunately, I hurt too much to do that today. Sighhhh…

Anyway, I have been trying to write this entry for a while now. While there is much more I want to/should talk about, I think the exhaustion of being out in the sun for four hours is hitting me. I am tired and so I am going to go to bed.

As I leave, I want to share this prose that I found today. It is so wonderfully written that I think I am going to print it and post it somewhere.

Aaron Paquette, a First Nations Metis artist, author and speaker, wrote this in April of 2012:

Sometimes we are on the verge of blossoming into a thousand flowers.

But we don't.

We are waiting. We are thinking, “Maybe tomorrow. I'm quite busy right now doing the same unsatisfying things I have been doing for years. Yep, pretty busy."

Or maybe we are afraid of what will happen if we open up. We are afraid to leave a bad situation because we've forgotten what a good one even looks like for us.

We've gotten so used to a life surrounded by unhappiness that we've convinced ourselves it's normal. After all, everyone else's life looks like this, too.

Somewhere along the way we stopped believing in our own strength and beauty. We think we've lost it, or maybe it was never really there.

And worst of all, we've let someone else define who we are for us. We've lost who we are so we'll believe whatever anyone else tells us, even if it makes us smaller...angrier.

There are not enough voices telling us the truth. There are not enough voices to get through the mist that has gathered around our belief in ourselves.

Right now, let me be that voice.

Right now, let me tell you:

You are Strong.

You are Beautiful.

You are Capable.

You are Worthy.

You have made mistakes. You have lashed out. You have hidden your dreams, your light, and your power. These things are true. These are things you have done. They are not you.

You are your dreams.

You are your light.

You are your power.

You are a miracle waiting to happen. You are a blessing waiting to be bestowed. You are an example of truth waiting to be spoken.

You are a thousand blossoms waiting to explode into colour, fragrance, delight and joy.

Don't let anyone hold you back.

Yes, you have been buried. Like all good seeds.

It's time to live.

It's time to open to the world, to the sun and to yourself.

You are on the verge

Of something

Astounding

Bloom