2015: Memory Lane
Continuing my tradition, it is that time of year to review the last year and ponder all that has occurred – the highs, the lows, and all the rest.
Let’s start with 2015 was a year of constant stress, competing priorities, unhealthy habits, and a desperate desire for something.
Starting last November, work began with project after project after project, etc. In theory, the current project has a break now – not sure for how long and it really doesn’t matter because we have already been given our next priority/project. This has been the story of the year at work. Just when you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you find out it is another train coming and goodness, each train hits you harder than the last because there is no time to recover. By May, my blood pressure was no longer averaging in the beautiful range. It moved up just a little bit, but it was a definite new norm. In July, I went to the doctor to make sure things weren’t going south quickly, but overall, I am healthy. In October, at my yearly annual, my health is still good, but my blood pressure is still in the new norm. I haven’t gone back, but taking my measurements at home, I can see that the new norm is staying.
It wouldn’t be so bad at work except everyone on the team are feeling the effects and it is so hard to stay optimist amidst all the negativity. Add in the feeling that if I show my stress, it stresses everyone else more and there is definitely a double standard that is beyond not fair. Of course, that then competes with the fact that sharing the stress lessens it a bit as you are not alone. It’s been very hard balancing the right amount of sharing with those who understand versus holding back to keep things moving and not stressing everyone else out.
The balance in my life has definitely been out of alignment. The higher ups constantly talk about work-life balance and I would like to know how that is supposed to happen with mandatory overtime and yet an unbalanced work load. Not everyone was doing overtime and yet I was told there was no option. Sure, I had a couple weeks off at the start of the whole mess, but I know my work level and my work ethic. I caught up quickly and was baffled on how I was doing hours of overtime while others were bored. But now their quality of work is starting to show. The mistakes and missed items are starting to pile up and let’s just say if I thought the whole thing was unfair at the beginning, then by the end, I was pissed.
There was a part of me that was impressed on how well my unit was handling the stress, except cracks have started to show and now we have people off for medical reasons. I even took extra time off so I could just get some rest, get stuff done at home, try to recharge. Except it appears the expectations are different for me. I was expected to work one day this week while everyone else got a break. And then instead of being able to relax and maybe clean up my emails and such, instead, I am working on two priorities. Thank goodness, I pay attention and am fairly smart. I was able to reuse previous material and make our lives easier to get both jobs done. But really?!? And then we get an email with our next priority.
The good thing at work that happened was for my birthday my assignment became a permanent position. The question I, and so many people around me, have is whether I want to stay in this unit. I am finding the moments that make me happy are few and far between. How do you recharge when you feel constantly bombarded with more and more tasks and less and less time to catch up? We are supposedly changing our email system sometime soon – I need time to clean out my emails. We are supposed to have all of this knowledge at our fingertips and I am finding that I am sifting through so much information I have trouble finding the information. I have this vague feeling that I have dealt with this issue previously, but when and where and what was my response.
What I have definitely discovered is that my patience is no longer as deep as it was. I get frustrated much faster and though I still try to take it out only on myself, I am finding I need to walk away more. I tend to shut up more because what I want to say would not help at that time. That is probably the most evident effect this constant stress has put on me. I try really hard not to show how annoyed I get. Sometimes, I succeed, but other times, I just need to retreat. I want my patience back. I need my patience back.
Anyway, I have spent a lot of time talking about work and that is because work has taken over my life. Yes, I know it can only do that to some extent if you let it, but let’s be honest, after June, I had no reason to come home every night on time. There was no kitty waiting for me, giving me unconditional love and accepting my love in return. Even working overtime, I still beat D home. Taking work home doesn’t affect many activities, because I’m not involved in much and I can do most of my overtime work in front of the TV. In Vancouver, there is a cat café. It sounds like a wonderful place to go and goodness knows I could have used one of those here the last few months. I will get another cat… eventually. I just miss my kitty so much. And who knew I would miss having a reason to be home every night by 7.
This Christmas season has been hard. I have been so far behind in getting prepped, I haven’t been able to enjoy it like I want to, and it just goes by so fast. I haven’t been able to see my brother and family yet – they were sick this year and so we didn’t get together. It would be nice to see the wonder in the kids’ eyes again ad remember what Christmas is about. Instead, it has been hassles and disappointment and exhaustion and wanting to enjoy, but just can’t sustain it.
We have hardly seen any friends. Heck, I have hardly seen any friends lately. Work has been kicking me arse so much that time away from it has been spent sleeping, vegging, cleaning the house, catching up on all the other chores I need to do. Thank goodness for yoga and massages, but yoga has been cancelled by the community league now and to be honest, I haven’t been enjoying the massages as much as I used to.
That’s not to say that there haven’t been some happy moments as well. D and I have been having some great conversation and connection. This has been key as we both were stressed out at the same time. Not a good combo. There is something to be said for having our stress swing between the two of us so only one person is stressed at one time. That is the ideal if we are going to have stress. At least, we know it won’t destroy us – it just requires us to be really committed to talking and listening.
At the Comic Expo in September, I had great interactions with Billy Boyd and James Marsters. It is fun to be at one of these and be one of the few talking to the actors about their music. James let me hold his phone and listen to a song off his new album. Swoon. Then after having a great conversation with his band, Billy thanked me for wanting to talk about music and said I was the first person to do so. When I tried to give a book on behalf of a friend, he signed the book instead. And then I had great talks with some of the artists we regularly see, including Tanner and Amy, Peter, and Jaysin. It also gave me an opportunity to spend some time with my friend J, who I hardly see, but miss greatly. D worked the whole show, so really it was just Neil and I walking the show, but it was still fun.
L and I went to the 80s dinner show at the Mayfield dinner theatre. My first time at that dinner theatre – it was quite enjoyable. The food was delicious and the show was totally entertaining. And it was a nice way to spend an evening with a good friend who has supported me throughout this year. It has been fun listening to all the excitement in her life (I’m sure she would not use excitement for all of it), but it is fun seeing your friend grow in different ways and how brave she is taking on new things and stepping outside of her comfort zone. She inspires me often.
Our Christmas even party was small, but it was a nice evening. Got to see the Hat and his gf – we have nummy food and played rock band and talked. It was good as just an evening off and away from everything.
Sadly, I haven’t seen N and M in a while. I did around my birthday, but life has been crazy. Honestly, I’m not kidding. I have spent most of my time when I am not working trying to recharge. This last week I have been cleaning various parts of my house - partly because I let organization slide during the stress, but also because I am looking for some of my hobbies. There is so much I want to be doing elsewise – seeing friends, getting out and doing something, being active, catching up on shows. I am still reading because that is just a given. I am still trying to finish one puzzle after almost a year because I just can’t get into doing the black zones – goodness is it hard to do distinguish between the shadow areas. I’m behind in reading my magazines. My emails and computer at home are just as messy as work. I don’t want to be on the computer when I get home. I play my mindless games on my phone and that’s about all I want to do. It’s a struggle to keep up with emails and finances and keeping in touch. I want to write letters to my friends. I want to update my blog more often. I want to get back into shape. A few years ago I felt like I had so much energy and this year I am just so blah. Trying to getting into the mood to even go out is a chore. It’s not that I don’t want to – part of me is all like rah, rah but the other part of me is fighting the need to get out of house clothes, to put on make-up, to get the energy and shields up to deal with other people.
And I want to spend more time with S, who I haven’t been able to see in what feels like forever. And all of my other friends – I want to spend more time with people I adore and who accept me. I want to catch up and laugh and connect.
I’ve been trying to surround myself with quotes to help motivate me. I wouldn’t say they are 100% working, but there are helping. Here are some of my favorites:
So what else has happened this year? The first part of the year was busy; then the second half has just been stressful. We paid off the furnace. That was a reward. Then we started the roof, which of course, also involved attic insulation. It started late fall, ran into some difficulties, and now we are waiting until spring for it to be finished. Not cool. At least we have new attic insulation. And the roof is water proofed and mostly done. But mostly is not completely. And of course, we are paying for part of that already. Joy.
Losing the cat really affected me. I don’t think I have fully dealt with it. I think part of me is doing all this overtime and other stuff to keep me from feeling the loneliness and pain of her death. I miss so many little things and part of me is like get over it already, no one wants to hear about it, but the other part of me keeps looking for her. It pauses when I pull out the Christmas stockings because there is no reason to put out hers. I still get that little stutter in my heart before I get home thinking about her greeting me, except then I remember she won’t be there. When life would get really bad, I just wanted to pick her up one more time and hug her. I really do miss her so much.
Anyway, 2015 has been a tough year. There were ups and there were lows. I need something to change though. So I am hopeful 2016 will be better. To everyone, I wish a life full of acceptance and love. To all my friends, I am grateful for your friendship so much and I wish you a future full of promise and opportunity. Here’s to a new year full of fun, friends, laughter, cuddle piles, intimate connections, opportunities for what the heart desires, good health, adventure, and of course, love.
Let’s start with 2015 was a year of constant stress, competing priorities, unhealthy habits, and a desperate desire for something.
Starting last November, work began with project after project after project, etc. In theory, the current project has a break now – not sure for how long and it really doesn’t matter because we have already been given our next priority/project. This has been the story of the year at work. Just when you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you find out it is another train coming and goodness, each train hits you harder than the last because there is no time to recover. By May, my blood pressure was no longer averaging in the beautiful range. It moved up just a little bit, but it was a definite new norm. In July, I went to the doctor to make sure things weren’t going south quickly, but overall, I am healthy. In October, at my yearly annual, my health is still good, but my blood pressure is still in the new norm. I haven’t gone back, but taking my measurements at home, I can see that the new norm is staying.
It wouldn’t be so bad at work except everyone on the team are feeling the effects and it is so hard to stay optimist amidst all the negativity. Add in the feeling that if I show my stress, it stresses everyone else more and there is definitely a double standard that is beyond not fair. Of course, that then competes with the fact that sharing the stress lessens it a bit as you are not alone. It’s been very hard balancing the right amount of sharing with those who understand versus holding back to keep things moving and not stressing everyone else out.
The balance in my life has definitely been out of alignment. The higher ups constantly talk about work-life balance and I would like to know how that is supposed to happen with mandatory overtime and yet an unbalanced work load. Not everyone was doing overtime and yet I was told there was no option. Sure, I had a couple weeks off at the start of the whole mess, but I know my work level and my work ethic. I caught up quickly and was baffled on how I was doing hours of overtime while others were bored. But now their quality of work is starting to show. The mistakes and missed items are starting to pile up and let’s just say if I thought the whole thing was unfair at the beginning, then by the end, I was pissed.
There was a part of me that was impressed on how well my unit was handling the stress, except cracks have started to show and now we have people off for medical reasons. I even took extra time off so I could just get some rest, get stuff done at home, try to recharge. Except it appears the expectations are different for me. I was expected to work one day this week while everyone else got a break. And then instead of being able to relax and maybe clean up my emails and such, instead, I am working on two priorities. Thank goodness, I pay attention and am fairly smart. I was able to reuse previous material and make our lives easier to get both jobs done. But really?!? And then we get an email with our next priority.
The good thing at work that happened was for my birthday my assignment became a permanent position. The question I, and so many people around me, have is whether I want to stay in this unit. I am finding the moments that make me happy are few and far between. How do you recharge when you feel constantly bombarded with more and more tasks and less and less time to catch up? We are supposedly changing our email system sometime soon – I need time to clean out my emails. We are supposed to have all of this knowledge at our fingertips and I am finding that I am sifting through so much information I have trouble finding the information. I have this vague feeling that I have dealt with this issue previously, but when and where and what was my response.
What I have definitely discovered is that my patience is no longer as deep as it was. I get frustrated much faster and though I still try to take it out only on myself, I am finding I need to walk away more. I tend to shut up more because what I want to say would not help at that time. That is probably the most evident effect this constant stress has put on me. I try really hard not to show how annoyed I get. Sometimes, I succeed, but other times, I just need to retreat. I want my patience back. I need my patience back.
The person who has a tremendous reserve of patience and tolerance has a certain degree of tranquility and calmness in his or her life. Such a person is not only happy and more emotionally grounded but also seems to be physically healthier and to experience less illness. This person possesses a strong will, has a good appetite, and can sleep with a clean conscience. – Dalai Lama
Anyway, I have spent a lot of time talking about work and that is because work has taken over my life. Yes, I know it can only do that to some extent if you let it, but let’s be honest, after June, I had no reason to come home every night on time. There was no kitty waiting for me, giving me unconditional love and accepting my love in return. Even working overtime, I still beat D home. Taking work home doesn’t affect many activities, because I’m not involved in much and I can do most of my overtime work in front of the TV. In Vancouver, there is a cat café. It sounds like a wonderful place to go and goodness knows I could have used one of those here the last few months. I will get another cat… eventually. I just miss my kitty so much. And who knew I would miss having a reason to be home every night by 7.
This Christmas season has been hard. I have been so far behind in getting prepped, I haven’t been able to enjoy it like I want to, and it just goes by so fast. I haven’t been able to see my brother and family yet – they were sick this year and so we didn’t get together. It would be nice to see the wonder in the kids’ eyes again ad remember what Christmas is about. Instead, it has been hassles and disappointment and exhaustion and wanting to enjoy, but just can’t sustain it.
We have hardly seen any friends. Heck, I have hardly seen any friends lately. Work has been kicking me arse so much that time away from it has been spent sleeping, vegging, cleaning the house, catching up on all the other chores I need to do. Thank goodness for yoga and massages, but yoga has been cancelled by the community league now and to be honest, I haven’t been enjoying the massages as much as I used to.
That’s not to say that there haven’t been some happy moments as well. D and I have been having some great conversation and connection. This has been key as we both were stressed out at the same time. Not a good combo. There is something to be said for having our stress swing between the two of us so only one person is stressed at one time. That is the ideal if we are going to have stress. At least, we know it won’t destroy us – it just requires us to be really committed to talking and listening.
Genuine, human friends stand by whether you are successful or unlucky and always share your sorrow and burdens. The way to make such friends is not by being angry, nor by having good education or intelligence, but by having a good heart. – Dalia Lama
At the Comic Expo in September, I had great interactions with Billy Boyd and James Marsters. It is fun to be at one of these and be one of the few talking to the actors about their music. James let me hold his phone and listen to a song off his new album. Swoon. Then after having a great conversation with his band, Billy thanked me for wanting to talk about music and said I was the first person to do so. When I tried to give a book on behalf of a friend, he signed the book instead. And then I had great talks with some of the artists we regularly see, including Tanner and Amy, Peter, and Jaysin. It also gave me an opportunity to spend some time with my friend J, who I hardly see, but miss greatly. D worked the whole show, so really it was just Neil and I walking the show, but it was still fun.
L and I went to the 80s dinner show at the Mayfield dinner theatre. My first time at that dinner theatre – it was quite enjoyable. The food was delicious and the show was totally entertaining. And it was a nice way to spend an evening with a good friend who has supported me throughout this year. It has been fun listening to all the excitement in her life (I’m sure she would not use excitement for all of it), but it is fun seeing your friend grow in different ways and how brave she is taking on new things and stepping outside of her comfort zone. She inspires me often.
Our Christmas even party was small, but it was a nice evening. Got to see the Hat and his gf – we have nummy food and played rock band and talked. It was good as just an evening off and away from everything.
Sadly, I haven’t seen N and M in a while. I did around my birthday, but life has been crazy. Honestly, I’m not kidding. I have spent most of my time when I am not working trying to recharge. This last week I have been cleaning various parts of my house - partly because I let organization slide during the stress, but also because I am looking for some of my hobbies. There is so much I want to be doing elsewise – seeing friends, getting out and doing something, being active, catching up on shows. I am still reading because that is just a given. I am still trying to finish one puzzle after almost a year because I just can’t get into doing the black zones – goodness is it hard to do distinguish between the shadow areas. I’m behind in reading my magazines. My emails and computer at home are just as messy as work. I don’t want to be on the computer when I get home. I play my mindless games on my phone and that’s about all I want to do. It’s a struggle to keep up with emails and finances and keeping in touch. I want to write letters to my friends. I want to update my blog more often. I want to get back into shape. A few years ago I felt like I had so much energy and this year I am just so blah. Trying to getting into the mood to even go out is a chore. It’s not that I don’t want to – part of me is all like rah, rah but the other part of me is fighting the need to get out of house clothes, to put on make-up, to get the energy and shields up to deal with other people.
And I want to spend more time with S, who I haven’t been able to see in what feels like forever. And all of my other friends – I want to spend more time with people I adore and who accept me. I want to catch up and laugh and connect.
I’ve been trying to surround myself with quotes to help motivate me. I wouldn’t say they are 100% working, but there are helping. Here are some of my favorites:
Today well-live makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. – Sanskrit proverb
Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive. I have a precious human life and I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefits of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts toward others. I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can. – Dalai Lama
I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude. – Henry David Thoreau
How about you take a few skill ranks in Kiss My Ass? - Belkar
Hey I don’t make the rules; I just twist them to my purpose – Celia
I’m true neutral. I go both ways. – Julia
I think I just had an Evilgasm – Xykon
So what else has happened this year? The first part of the year was busy; then the second half has just been stressful. We paid off the furnace. That was a reward. Then we started the roof, which of course, also involved attic insulation. It started late fall, ran into some difficulties, and now we are waiting until spring for it to be finished. Not cool. At least we have new attic insulation. And the roof is water proofed and mostly done. But mostly is not completely. And of course, we are paying for part of that already. Joy.
Losing the cat really affected me. I don’t think I have fully dealt with it. I think part of me is doing all this overtime and other stuff to keep me from feeling the loneliness and pain of her death. I miss so many little things and part of me is like get over it already, no one wants to hear about it, but the other part of me keeps looking for her. It pauses when I pull out the Christmas stockings because there is no reason to put out hers. I still get that little stutter in my heart before I get home thinking about her greeting me, except then I remember she won’t be there. When life would get really bad, I just wanted to pick her up one more time and hug her. I really do miss her so much.
Anyway, 2015 has been a tough year. There were ups and there were lows. I need something to change though. So I am hopeful 2016 will be better. To everyone, I wish a life full of acceptance and love. To all my friends, I am grateful for your friendship so much and I wish you a future full of promise and opportunity. Here’s to a new year full of fun, friends, laughter, cuddle piles, intimate connections, opportunities for what the heart desires, good health, adventure, and of course, love.
Labels: life, quote of the day
posted by Taryn at 5:10 pm
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